2018- new year new me

have you ever had an awakening? a moment in time where you suddenly just change your entire attitude and view of things?

Needless to say I have had one hell of a crappy year! I had given up on so many things- including my own existence. I prayed for death. Nothing mattered to me anymore and I struggled to find anything to be happy or positive about.

But something happened. I cant' even explain it! I was at a place that I didn't want to do Christmas, I wanted to just somehow get past it. Even the day before- I just was in a dark sad place. I left for work on Christmas morning and knew I had to be in the spirit a bit for work- and I did a pretty good job!  I danced and sang to christmas music, wished everyone a merry christmas... and by the time I got home I was in a little better place, but still just wanted it done. But as the day went on, and Christmas happened in our home- something happened to me. A weight was lifted, a light started burning and a darkness began to see sunrise. I found by the end of the day a new desire to BE happy, to enjoy life and the people around me.

So as I enter into 2018, the whole 'new year new me" thing will actually apply to me. I am all about positive energy, happiness, being true to myself and those who share my desire for avoid the negative, those who bring me happiness.

I know that my struggles with depression are far from over, but I will learn to deal with it in a better way. I will vocalize my concerns and things that bother me rather than bottling them up. I will make an effort to express my feelings better, to not stress over things out of my control, and remove negativity!

My health- physical and mental, suffered severely this year... it is time to step back and focus on taking care of myself. I will always help others, but stressing over other lives and trying to help in ways that I am really incapable of doing- has to stop. I want to be healthy and be able to do the things I enjoy in life... my family- all of them, my pets, riding, working, being outside, going on adventures.

Blessings to all for a fabulous 2018! I wish you all good health, family, love, and the things that truly matter!

New Year- New Beginnings

I am not one for new year resolutions or stuff like that. But this year a lot will be changing in my life- maybe not so much resolutions, just change.
This year I made the step toward having my parents back in my life, and that has gone well. I am hopeful it will continue to progress so I can feel we are a family again.
my relationship with my daughter has been very strained this past year, for a couple reasons. But the main reason I believe, is because of the problems between her husband and I. I am going to work toward fixing that. The past cannot be forgotten, but we can learn and move forward. I want to mend fences with my daughter and have that closeness back, as well as have her husband be a part of the family.
I have made a commitment to myself that I am going to work on my marriage, bring the fun and love back and create the friendship that we sort of skipped over in the beginning. I want my life with my husband to be the best possible and I am willing and dedicated to do what it takes to see that happen, this year is the time for that to come together.
Also, it's time for me to put me first. No, I am not being selfish- I have given and given, putting my own well being on the back burner for so long. My marriage, my health, my mental health, my finances, and so many other things have been jeopardized in my desire to help everyone else. It is time to put my foot down and start saying no. Changes need to take place in my life, and they will. I will no longer go along with things just because I don't want to upset someone, or feel bad for them. Many things in my life are coming together so well and running smoothly, I can't put those things at risk for other lesser things that stress me out or upset others in my life.
I am truly looking forward to the future now. I feel really positive that a huge weight has been lifted, and another will be lifted in the next few days... I can be free of the negativity and move forward! 

just todays thoughts

I went back to work today, it's been 5 weeks since I worked! I need a reset button in my head- kinda forgot a few things. Feels good to be back at it tho! Can't wait to be back to 100% and able to work more hours. I'm hopeful to soon return to over 25 hours a week- which I haven't done since June.

I am not  yet fully recovered from surgery, so annoying! I m feeling better but there is still stuff I can't do, pain with some movements, bleeding STILL! I just want to back to normal! I am not a patient person!

It finally snowed today! And still is! not much on the ground, but it's a start! I want a white Christmas. And at least the air is cleaner to breathe now.

I'm fighting to keep somewhat of a holiday spirit this year. It's hard, but I need to. Looking at our tree with all the decorations the kids hung- puts a smile on my face, but also a tear in my heart. Not quite sure how to do this year... but I will.

I'm not big on new years resolutions and a new year new me thing- I figure if I want change and a different life just make it happen- NOW! why wait til next year? well, this year I'm doing it. It is time for change in my life, I will be a different person, I will be in charge of my own happiness and my surroundings. If I don't like something- I will either change it or remove it from my life. the past few months i have allowed too many outside influences effect me and my happiness and attitude, and it has done some serious damage. But also has been very eye opening. My life is a learning experience- and I have learned much this year.

I feel like it seems everything I say about the past year is focused on changes that took place in my home... not true. 15 months ago I moved some amazing people into my home and that did change my life. We have had many ups and downs- mostly ups! But my life has been affected by many other things, other things are what cause my depression, not them. Other things are what have brought me to become cold- not them. Most has been the past 9 or 10 months. Both positive and negative have happened, both have been eye opening.

I am hopeful for my future. A lot of disagreement and I am sure opposition to what I want for my future- but we will see.

600

In just a few hours I will turn 600 months old! Do you know what that is? that's a half century! Holy crap I'm officially OLD. 5 decades, 50 freaking years.
During that time, I have lived and learned! I have cried and laughed, lived in Europe and lived behind bars. I've practiced christianity as well as wicca, I have had a drinking problem, done drugs, and made bad choices. I became a mom, I married and divorced. I shot guns and have been shot at. I made porn, I owned my own business. I went to college after dropping out of high school. I have faced severe health issues including mental health. I have contemplated homicide as well as suicide. I had relationships with women as well as men. I have traveled, I have felt trapped, I have had more jobs than I can remember. I've been loved and hated, I took risks and didn't care what people thought of me- I have been me! I was told a thousand times I was a failure, my life would never be acceptable... I don't care if it is acceptable!
Who has to accept it? It's my life! No one should be judging my life and my choices. I am half century old now! and still feel I am being judged. Ya know... screw those people! I don't believe I will live another 600 months, but if I do- I plan to live it the same as the first- just as I please! Doing what I want to do, what makes me happy.
Happy 600 to me... 

And The Search Resumes... Again

For years I have wanted to leave this city. I have had a couple opportunities but never acted on them for various reasons. Every 8 or 10 months I get on that kick again about getting out of here. My dream would be to live in a town or less than 1000 people and no snow... that is the ideal life. Reality is, less than 10k people, and maybe no snow.
The more time goes by, the less I feel I have holding me in this place, and giving me more motivation to get out! Truly at this point all that is keeping us here is my husbands job. So my quest is to find him work that offers a comparable income.
My health can't take the city anymore, my physical health and my mental health! My COPD has gotten worse and will continue to as long as I live in this terrible air quality, winter brings out the worst in my joints. My depression has gotten so much worse this year and much of that could be improved by living in a place that makes me happy, and a place that doesn't get cold... winter is bad for everyone's depression! 
I guess I have always made excuses about leaving. I didn't want to take my daughter far from her dad and her grandma, I had a career, I didn't want to take my daughter out of school before she graduated with her friends, we can't leave my mother in law here without someone to care for her and check on her... and of course, my husbands job. All excuses.
My daughter is grown and on her own, and honestly- we have become a bit distanced (maybe moving away would help me deal with that distance because it would be physical not just emotional), I don't have a career- I'm disabled! My mother in law has amazing friends and relatives who are always near, and if we move we would always be within a day drive! And we believe she will eventually be moving as well. The idea of walking away from a 12 year job is a bit scary. He has great pay, incredible benefits and is treated really well. To give that up for the unknown is of course intimidating, but chances have to be taken.
I am at a breaking point. I truly feel my life depends on me getting out of this city. Sad but true. I hate to force something like this on Troy, I do feel like I am forcing the issue. But what do I do? Stay miserable and continue to decline with my health? I have tried so hard to be happy and stay positive and support him, but I am running out of energy and umph.
I have checked into a couple trucking companies in an area that isn't ideal, but it works! only a couple hours from here, small, not warmer, but no smog! And even a couple houses for rent for way cheaper than what we pay here!
It's still a dream at this point, but I am hoping and praying it becomes reality!

tangled emotions

Insane that I am being so affected by recent news. My first thought when contacted about it was what the hell am I supposed to do with this information? how do I even respond?'
My former mother-in-law, the woman who raised the man who abused my daughter, had a stroke and is not doing well... actually is now on hospice and not expected to make it even another day from now.
I am not a cold hearted person, I feel for her family. I am still fairly close to my nephew and his wife and kids. Altho I am sure none of the rest of the family would even approve of them staying in contact with me.
She was great the beginning of things, she accepted me into the family, she worked out a plan for us to buy her home, she started out a wonderful grandmother. Even before I even knew she had a son- she was a regular at a bar I worked at, I had been to her house and had some incredible memories with our crowd... then everything changed and she became a hateful woman, blaming myself and my daughter for everything. She kicked me out of my home, then changed the locks on a shared storage unit that had ALL of my belongings. She rejected her own grandchild from that point as well. It was hard not to hate her. But I get it, she was sticking up for her son, refused to admit he was guilty. I don't wish pain on anyone. She was once family to me- how can I ignore that fact? She hurt me, but that was so long ago... in a different lifetime! I have moved on, let go of my anger and resentments.
But I also feel guilty for having sympathy for her and her family. After all MY family was put thru due to them, the pain and lifetime of PTSD my daughter faces, the damage will never be undone- and I feel guilty for my family that I feel bad for hers.
my head is a mess with this! I hardly slept after talking to my nephew last night and getting the latest update. This really has me jacked up.
Live and let die I guess... time for me to really put her behind me.
I love my nephew and his family, I cared very much for most of that family, but have not had contact with them in a very long time. I pray they find the peace they need to get thru this all.

2 weeks post surgery

Well, i have been home recovering from surgery for 2 weeks now... it sucks! The pain from this surgery was the worst I have ever experienced- worse than after my c-section. The emotional rollercoaster has been hell... on top of the depression I am already dealing with, and other issues eating at my brain, this is truly more than I can take. Every day I wish I was dead! I am truly miserable. I want to go back to work, I want to get out of the house. But I can't walk much more than across the house before getting tired or hurting. Yesterday I was feeling pretty good, but I overdid it and pulled something or strained something that was obviously not healed yet- I hurt today. I have done everything I was told- get up and walk, don't stay in bed all the time, don't lift or bend or do anything that will cause further injury, blah blah blah. I just want to be better! I hate this! Once I can get back to a normal life I can focus on all the other bull shit in my life that I don't like and don't want to deal with. I have my follow up  appt on the 11th, hopefully they will prescribe me hormones to deal with this crap better! Until then, I hide in my room crying, only coming out if I feel like my family wants me around, which honestly- I don't feel very much right now. Yes, it hurts, yes, it's probably just me. But along with all those friends who said they were going to come see me and bring me meals and be there for me and my family while I was down... yeah, no one wants to be around when I need them. Yep- feeling sorry for myself at the moment, deal with it- you chose to read this. Normally I am a positive person who takes on more than I can handle for as many people as I can, even thru the hardest times of my depression I do my best to come across positive. But I'm tired of faking it and don't have the energy to fake it! I am miserable! And I want out!

surgery time

Tomorrow morning I will leave my house about 6 am to head to the hospital. Check in at 7, surgery is at 8am... I am finally hving a total hysterectomy!
I've wanted this for years, but insurance makes it difficult unless there is a legit medical reason for it. And I finally have one... a couple actually. First, total hormone imbalance causing all sorts of trouble in my body. Second, they found a fibroid cyst under the lining of the uterine wall.
A few years ago I learned that over 70% of epileptic women stop having seizures after a hysterectomy! This is amazing to me! Gives me so much hope. It's not a guarantee, but it sure is worth having this done!
I am looking forward to having this done, being done with all the crap that goes along with having those parts. I am not, however, looking forward to the recovery. I have heard everything from a week to 6 weeks. I am planning on 3... I don't want to be in bed for a long time, I want to get back to work! I hate having to count on others to care for me... and to do the things I normally do around the house. I know I have an amazing family who is here for me and will support me- but I just struggle with that.
So when I wake from surgery my husband and my daughter will be there. I will stay one night at the hospital and come home the next day.
I've had a ton of support and sweet thoughts sent to me, It has helped me realize that it really is going to be ok.
I got this.

Dogs

Ever wonder what your dogs think or what they actually understand? What do they really want when they give you that look or keep pawing at your leg while you are reading?
I have six dogs in my home, they all have their own unique personalities, they all have their own ways of telling us things... at the moment- they are all sleeping!
My hound will come in the middle of the night and start whining, if I ignore her- she scratches at the bed frame. I get up thinking she needs to go out... nope! She jumps up and lays on my pillow. My lab will lift her paw when sitting in front of me, or put it on my leg. Whether I am petting her or ignoring her or talking to her- what is this? Maggie jumps, she tries to jump into my arms when she gets excited... which is all the time! I wish for a day I could just hear them, read their minds. Do they like the food we feed them? Why won't Sadie eat out of her bowl anymore? Why does Emily insist on eating on the sofa or in the chair? For the longest time I wondered why my dogs would randomly stare and start growling, then I realized they really do see spirits.
I love these dogs, some days they drive me insane with their barking, but I wouldn't trade any of them for the world!
I was raised with a dog, First Heidi- our german shepard, then Squirt- she was a total mutt! Then we got Ginger, she was a golden retriever. I grew up with Ginger, my high school years, my teen, all the times that I struggled. I left home, but I saw her when I visited my folks. It was hard to watch her get old, trouble walking, her eyes got bad. One day my mom called and told me she was finally putting Ginger down. that was rough, but for the best.
I always wanted to have a dog of my own, to raise with my daughter, but living in apartments, moving a lot, and not having the money to care for a pet made that not possible. I got her a dog once, she named him Pepper- he was a black lab. We had him for a couple years then we had to move and were forced to give him up. Grandma's brother took him, so my daughter coud still visit and know he was in good hands. Pepper was a runner, any chance he got he was out the door and running. He was eventually hit by a car and passed away.
I truly can't imagine my life without dogs. They make me smile when I'm sad, they comfort me when I'm sick, they keep me busy and give me purpose when I'm down. I know one day I will have to say good-bye to my sweet girls, but until then I will cherish every moment with them.

Everyone should have a dog in their life!

Visitors

Last night, and the night before, my grandma came to visit. I smelled that parfume, something that will never leave my memory. I felt her sit on my bed. I feel like she wants to tell me something- there is a message... but I haven't heard her speak, not felt a message. I expect another vistit. I loved my grandma so much- Gomma Kitty. She passed away while I was pregnant with my oldest, and has been with my daughter since. This recent experience has been the most powerful of any visits she has made to me, so I am excited to know why she is coming to me, what she is wanting to tell me. I miss her and think of her often.

I'm sure many of you don't believe this stuff, but I do regularly get visits, have energies in my home from those who have left this earth. I welcome them into my space. I love that I can experience this, I have always believed in ghosts or spirits, but not until my early 20s did I ever actually experience one.

I realized I had to be open to them, open myself to accepting what they wanted to show me- then they would come to me. Pretty amazing really. I have had people from my own life come to me, I also have energies from strangers- I usually dont understand why me, but I still try.

It has been and continues to be a fun and educational journey. Open your hearts and your minds- you will be amazed at the experiences you can have!

more brain damage

Every now and then I am reminded that I do have memory loss and other issues related to my seizures and the stroke. Today is one of those times. It is so frustrating to pick up something that has been a hobby for so many years and completely forget how to do it!
I learned to crochet while I was in prison... 12 or so years ago. I learned a lot of different stitches and patterns, I was actually pretty good for a beginner! I continued crocheting after prison, I enjoyed it and figured i could get even better and one day make gifts and blankets for my grand children and all that stuff. Sometimes I have to restart a project three or four times to get the stitch right that I am trying to do.
But today I completely just lost almost all my knowledge of crocheting! I picked up the hook and some really cool yarn ready to start a simple scarf for my daughter... I did the chain to start and then i just froze. Absolutely had no idea how to do the stitch I have done so many times on blankets and other scarves, I just sat here for ten minutes staring at my yarn! So I decided to try another stitch... nope, couldnt' figure that one out either. Drove me mad! I finally settled on a stitch that happened to po back in my head while fighting with this... Not what I want, but it will turn out ok.
So after all this, I have decided that I am really going to put some effort into my crocheting abilities. I am watching tutorials on YouTube, I am going to practice different stitches and see what they come out looking like, I will be able to crochet!
I have gone thru a lot of memory problems, short term and long term. They come up randomly, unexpected. I can be talking to an old high school friend and they bring up a memory- something big that everyone remembers- and I have zero recollection. I can go to the store and forget where I parked... this actually happens often! But never used to. I can remember things today and not remember the same thing tomorrow- if that makes any sense.
It seems to be getting worse. More often, bigger things, more types of things I forget... it's scary! What will my mind be like in 5 years? in 15 years? Do I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing where I am or who my husband is? I actually do! Every seizure causes more leisons on my brain- more killed brain cells, more brain damage. I average 5 seizures a week, sometimes a lot more. granted, they are way less severe than they were in the past, which I assume results in less damage, but it still happens. 5 seizures a week times 52 weeks times 5 years? My entire brain will be dead eventually! No, I don't really think like that- but it is an interesting way to see the possible.
Right now I focus on my day to day, and for the most part if my memory fails me, it isn't a big deal... but once in a while, things like today just really get to me.
I am planning to crochet my recovery away, so these tutorials are kind of cool!

disconnected

This past year I have had health problems- physical and mental. I didn't get out to do the things I usually do, I never went on rides with out friends, we didn't go to summer bbqs, never joined our friends at the bar... I just never felt up to it. Whether I was sick, or hurting too bad, or my anxiety wouldn't allow me out of the house, or even if the depression was so bad I couldn't face my friends...
I was a prisoner to my home. I missed out on so much! I haven't seen any of my friends this year, didn't do any of the things people are used to me doing. I have felt so disconnected from my friends and really, my life. I am that crazy super social girl who makes friends with everyone as soon as I meet them, I'm the one running around at every event I attend making sure I say hi to everyone I recognize. And this year my face and my hugs weren't anywhere... and in return I didn't get to see any of those faces or get any of those hugs. completely emotionaly separated from my friends and many who I consider family. 
I know that has contributed more to my depression than it was in the first place. on the rare occassion I do see people- I light up and feel better. But then I am reminded that I am not a part of that life anymore, and whats worse (yes, a moment of self pity), very few of these people have even checked up on me- none have come by. So there goes my self worth out the window again and I fall back into the depression. Not that I base my self worth on my friends, but people who i think of as family and really would do anything to help them if needed- don't see the severity of my condition, or just dont care. I don't like to think that tho. I know these people have busy lives.
It scares me, really. Am I that far disconnected that I have lost these people? Will I have their support thru my recovery after surgery? Or if and when I get better from all of this- will they be there still, will I still have these friends?
Anyway, maybe this is a topic to take up with my therapist this week!
I love my friends and I love my family. I am very blessed to have the people I have in my life and beyond blessed to know that I am going to have people around me while I am recovering to help me and to care for my dogs and make sure my husband eats and and all that stuff!

Anxiety

Remember when you were younger and nervous about a test? You told people you had anxiety. Was it really? For years I would have what I always considered panic attacks, today I look back and wonder... what exactly was that I was experiencing? I don't know, but it was nothing like the true anxiety I have experienced the past few years!
This year has been worse than any anxiety I have ever experienced, I can't leave the house- I can't even think about leaving the house without hot flashes and shakes and breathing problems. The thought of going to a bar with friends- horrifying! Sometimes I have anxiety for no explainable reason... I can be sitting watching television and just get the hot flashes and loss of breath and other sensations that go along with it. My anxiety has even caused me to go into seizures in recent months. I have lost most of my social life, I'm again unable to drive the majority of time, I work very minimal hours.
People don't truly understand the extent of anxiety until they have been there. it truly is debilitating... and I hate it! I make excuses for everything, I hate admitting that I can't go out because of anxiety.
A friend shared this article tonight on her facebook that was a great read for me, and it inspired me to share...
http://irelease.org/11-things-others-dont-realize-you-are-doing-because-of-your-high-functioning-anxiety/
It's not that simple to just take a deep breath, to push it to the back of your mind, or whatever else people always say/ Anxiety is one of those invisible illnesses, but it affects people physically. Remember that next time a friend tells you they have anxiety.

Therapy

Have I mentioned I started seeing a therapist? When ,y depression was at it's worse and I was feeling suicidal, I realized maybe I sould get help. So every week I go see this sweet gal and tell her how I'm feeling and the latest misery, I cry, I tell her about my anger and my heartbreak... and she listens. She helps me work on coping skills. It has been good for me. I am starting to open up about other things besides the one major cause of my depression, and she is helping me understand myself a bit. Today was a good session. lots of tears and breaking thru frustrations and anger. Next week my husband will be joining us, and I am really looking forward to that. We have some serious communication barriers and I am hopeful she can help us with that- I think it will improve a lot of things in me if I can talk to my husband more easily.
Therapy is not meant to fix me, it isn't going to cure my depression. But it is helping me. It is giving me an outlet, and teaching me better coping skills... actually- I have lost all coping skills, so this is like starting from scratch.
So I have two more weeks of this then I will probably be taking the rest of the year off because of my surgery. That will be hard, because the holidays are the hardest for me. And with everything I'm dealing with- it is going to be even worse! 
But, thru it all, I am feeling better- and I feel I can get thru things now. There was a long time that I did feel I was a danger to myself, but I don't feel that way today, and each day I seem to find more reasons to live rather than wanting to not live. I struggle every day, I cry most days... but I am alive and plan to stay that way.

Roxy

This is Roxy. She is my world. I adopted her 5 years ago to be a companion animal. I was having a lot of trouble with my health and especially anxiety, and knew I needed a dog in my life. Before I knew it she was more than I could have wished for. She was recognizing when I didn't feel well and would stay by my side always! When I have seizures, she gets help, she tries to lift me, and when I pass out from them she licks my face until I wake up. She has been the best companion, friend, and pet ever. She loves all other dogs and people, she is always so loving.
I learned this week she has a bad knee. She has been limping and being gentle on her right leg and I have watched it get worse over the past couple weeks. I was told the only way to resolve this is surgery. If we don't do surgery, she will soon be unable to support her own weight and could stop walking. I am totally heart broken! The cost of surgery is not even something we can consider! A friend suggested that I set up a GoFundMe campaign to try to raise the money... so I did. I am always giving whenever I can, I never ask for help- it's hard for me to ask for help! But it's my turn. I need to do whatever I can to save this fur baby! She is my service dog!
I myself am having surgery in a couple weeks and will be out of work for about a month- making it even harder to come up with money for this.
I have 2 dogs of my own, plus 4 that are kind of fosters- they belong to my family who lives with us. My dream is to have property to adopt as many unwanted pets as I can and give them a loving home. But for now, I have these. I would be lost without any of them. I would be especially lost without Roxy. My first dog to this pack I call my private zoo.
If any of you reading this would be willing to help me, below is the link to the GoFundMe page. I am truly at aloss for what to do at this point. I'm scared. 

https://www.gofundme.com/4zpq7q-roxy-needs-surgery

thankful for family

Have I mentioned how much I love my family? And my ride family?
I haven't been out much this year, this ride season. Between trying to work, having health problems, and financial issues, not to mention the depression- I just haven't been a part of the things I normally am. Last night I had the chance to attend an event for my favorite Gold Star family, as a part of PGR (aka ride family). I even got on the bike for a few miles! It really was healing for me to get out and be around those people and their positive energy. Even one of our longest time members and former state captain who is now battling cancer, was able to attend this event! If she can muster the energy and fight the emotions, then I can too! It helped me more than anything else last night to see her! Then I decided to splurge and we went to dinner with about half the group from the event. It was an evening of forgetting my stress and full of smiles! Very healing! I need to remember these people really are good for me.
My family, the people I consider my family are the people in my home. This weekend marks one year since I met them on the day we moved them in, and one year since my life has been forever changed. They have taught me so much, brought renewed joy to my life. Reminded me of the reasons to have family and be close. And of course- to be thankful for the little things and to always give when you can. I truly can't imagine not having them in my life. There is no doubt in my mind that they are the reason I am alive today.
I also have my Tooele family... of course my daughter- my reason for everything ever. But her dad and grandparents who have been such good friends to me and truly are still family 25 years after divorcing. They have supported me thru some rough times, been there for me no matter what. That's family.
Then there is my own biological family. My sister is not a part of my life, her choice- I tried to reconnect and hope that one day we can get on with life and be friends. I am blessed to have my parents back in my life, altho it is limited, I still have contact and feel like I can open up a bit again with them. I have some contact with a couple cousins, but that's it. My parents are an important part of my life, tho. I need to have them around, I for them to know I really do love them and I want to spend time with them before it's too late.
I have been blessed with so many people I consider family, people I love, people I would die for. I have been blessed people who feel the same for me. Once in a while I forget that I matter to people, and how lucky I really am to have all these incredible people in my life.
My husband, I can't forget him. He has put up with so much- my health, my depression, my past. He is my rock. I don't think he knows that, I don't think he understands how much he really does mean to me. But I believe all this was meant to happen, and we were meant to be together in the end.
I love you all!

randomness

Just some random thoughts tonight...

First the weather. I really don't like the weather in Salt Lake. Actually, I just really don't like Salt Lake! But the winter.... I've never been a fan of cold weather, and as I get older- it gets harder to deal with. I want to live in a warm climate! I want to be where it doesn't get below 40 degrees, I don't need to see snow- I can see it on tv or facebook! I am almost 50 years old and just dread spending another winter here. But I know in reality, I will probably be here another 10 years because of my husbands employment. UGH!

So why do I dislike Salt Lake other than that? it's huge! I am done living in a big city. I have lived here for as long as I can remember, and I was in a big city prior to being here. I want to live in the country, or a small town that doesn't have the traffic and the crime and all the ugliness that goes along with big city life. I want to know my neighbors- even if they live a quarter mile away! I want to live in a place that doesn't have a WalMart! Peace and quiet... and warm.

My dream home... I want to have like 5 acres with a main home for Troy and I, and 3 or 4 small guest homes on the property- so people can come visit us or if friends or family are in need of a place to live- I can always provide! Plenty of room for my dogs to run- and to adopt more dogs that need homes! I have big dreams. Southern Utah, somewhere in Arizona, there are even areas of California I would consider. Far from everything I have known for so long, but I would find some peace in it!

It's hard to try to convince my husband to leave literally everything behind- his family, friends, everything is here. He was born here and has never left. It's hard to think about moving away from all the people who matter, but as long as he and I are together- that's all we need. Friends and family can always visit! But at some point I have to stop using others as an excuse to stay put and believe they will be ok when I'm gone.

I have to dream... or I have nothing.

logic or love

There are things in my head saying stop the madness, take care of you. But the things in my heart tell me otherwise. Money or people? The internal battle is tearing me up! Money has never mattered to me, as long as I have what I need. I give to others who have less than I do- that is what is in my heart- always. But where do I draw the line? or do I? How bad do I let my own situation get before I stop doing for others?
The logical answer is stop now, take care of me. But my heart says no, the love I feel for others won't allow me to do that. I am not a cold person with no feelings! People tell me I care too much, I give too much... maybe so, but I can't just change who I am. 
I will continue to struggle, continue to put myself at risk in a number of ways to make sure other people are cared for. Whether it is putting a roof over someones head or spending my last $5 on a case of water for hurricane victims... if I have to set aside my bills and my wants- I will!
As long as I feel appreciated for the things I do, I will continue doing them. yes, there are times I don't feel that- times I feel taken advantage of, but I know my efforts and my sacrifices are appreciated by those I help.
I know I need to focus on the positive and stop allowing the negative thoughts to overpower my mind and stress me out. But I am facing some serious concerns at this point, things most are not aware of. When faced with these realities again, in the next few weeks, if not sooner, I don't know what I will do or how I will respond. But I do know that I will find a way to deal with it at that time. I always do.
It is getting harder and harder for me to cope and face these kind of things head on. The situations I have had thrown at me this year have shredded my mental strength and ability to manage stress of any kind!
But some way, I will get thru it, one day at a time, one situation at a time. Logic mean nothing to a person like me- love, passion, emotion- that is who I am... No matter what the cost.

What's On My Mind

Last night I was watching a reality show and I got some reality reminders of my own. This struggle I have had with my depression... isn't just my struggle. I don't discuss it much with my husband, but he knows I struggle, I've told him how miserable i am and that I have had suicidal thoughts- altho I don't know how much he really see, how serious he believes this is. We don't talk much about it, I feel like I shouldn't burden him with it, and I know he isn't equipped to help me. I know he wants to help, but really doesn't know how. What never hit me until last night, how does this affect him? How does MY depression affect how he thinks and feels- about me, our marriage, our future... even my love and dedication to him. I love Troy, and I am more dedicated to my marriage and our future than I was a year ago! I hate that he probably doesn't understand the pain and unhappiness I am dealing with, I don't like to think that he may feel less than the husband he should be because he can't help me. I hate that he might think I don't want to be with him, or that any of this is his fault!
I don't know that I will ever be the person he chased for so many years, I don't know that I will ever again be the woman he married, or even the person I tried so hard to continue to be after my health started failing me. And I don't know that any of that even matters to him. Whoever I am when and if this all comes to an end, I do know that I will be a different person from who I ever have been- that's how life and experiences work. I just hope that he will accept and love the me who I am becoming.
I cannot, at this time, say that I am getting better or that I will get better. I don't honestly know that my husband will have a wife or be a widower a year from now... or get sick of my shit and divorce me!
I love my husband, and I pray that he is strong enough to get thru this with me. He may not feel like I need him, but I do!

I miss this

As most of you have read, I have had troubles in my relationship with my family, over 5 years of zero contact with my parents prior to this year. But thru it all, there are things from my childhood that I truly miss. Things I will never have back, things that I didn't carry on in my family- that I probably should have.
I really did have a good childhood, my parents took good care of my sister and I and gave us wonderful memories, taught us family values and good morals.
I miss helping my mom tear up loaves of fresh bread 2 days before Thanksgiving and laying it out on every cooking sheet we own to prepare for homemade stuffing. I miss sitting listening to my parents and their siblings talk about my grandparents- things from way before my day! I miss eggs benedict on Wilbeldon finals Sunday. I miss watching mom cook, altho I never got any of her talent! I miss her food!
I miss sitting in my dads office just watching him work. And the most amazing 10 years working at his side! I miss the polock  jokes and my dads crazy sense of humor that drove mom nuts. I miss their cute bickering.
I miss the road trips, camping, driving across country- 3 people in a person car! I miss the things I learned on those trips and the things I saw, the foods I ate!
I miss being allow to open ONE gift one Christmas eve- and always knowing what it was... grandma made all the girls nightgowns every year, and we had them on Christmas morning every year!
Here's a crazy one... I miss the responsibility. Every Saturday my sister and I knew, without being told, that we had weely chores and we couldn't go play or anything until they were done. we just knew and did it. Rules were made in our family and we all followed them, simple! Just like dishes, we knew whose turn it was and they got done, they were never left even an hour after everyone was finished with dinner... the faster I got dishes done, the sooner I could sit down to watch that show I want to see!
I miss watching tv as a family, even the crap I had zero interest in! 60 Minutes and stuff like that.
Childhood doesn't last forever, but family should. I am blessed to have my parents back in my life. Hopefully one day my sister will open up to having me in her life too.

Who Cares? I do!

Ever feel like you are the only person who give a flying fuck about anything? Yeah, that's me right now. Why do I feel that way?  Better question- Why do I care if no one else does? I honestly want to just stop caring for a few days, about everything... maybe then the people around me would realize maybe they should care, or act like they do! I don't get paid to care, I don't get thanked for caring, it is expected of me- because that's just who I am... Amy will take care of it she will fix it- because she cares.
I'm not going to go off ranting about any of it, that's just what's on my mind tonight.

todays thoughts

Not 24 hours can go by in my life without tears rolling down my face. How did this become my life? It started out that I just couldn't deal with that one thing that was going on... then it became a couple more. Now? I have zero coping skills. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing is going right. I struggle each day to find anything to be positive about... and sometimes when I do, I realize that positive is actually a negative in some ways.
How long can I keep going like this? I said that S word again today- am I really there again? I know the depression has grown but I thought I had left those thoughts behind me and was doing better in that aspect, I had kind of found some hope for me and a future. Now, I don't have hope- again. I don't see a reason, other than abandoning my husband, to keep going. I no longer care what would happen to others if I was gone, I don't care how people would feel if I took my life. I have always hated that, even after losing friends to suicide- the friends who say "how can you do this to me?" This is about me, not you. This is about the pain that I want to stop, not about the pain it would cause you. When I start feeling like this, and actually let people know how I feel- I get texts and calls trying to guilt me out of it. Make me feel guilty? Because I don't already feel shitty enough? Guilt won't help!It makes a person feel like they failed yet another person.
I try to figure out what it would take to change these feelings and the tears, I know it can't all happen at once! I'm back to work- that's a baby step. But with each baby step I get shoved back three steps in other places! And that's even another thing that brings me down... I start feeling better about how Im doing, making progress... then bam! I get knocked down again. It is all so frustrating... and I can't deal with frustration these days. I blew up and started crying at work today, I cried when I came home, oh- and of course cried this morning... I can't go a day, or even 10 hours without tears.
What happened to the strong me? What happened to the me who could hide her troubles? The me who just didn't let shit get to her?
This whole week has been rough, more hidden tears than usual, more feeling of inadequacy than normal... (what is normal for me anymore?) I can't fix every problem, I can't be the one responsible for everyones health and happiness. I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I can't be the one that everything comes down on.
At some point I will stop caring. I will give up. I already have stopped caring about a lot of things, and I have given up on a lot as well... soon... nothing... will... matter...

Las Vegas

As most everyone knows, Sunday night there was a mass shooting in Las Vegas. A man opened fire on an outdoor music festival killing almost 60 and injuring over 500 others. Heart breaking. I sat up all night watching the news, trying to make sense of this as the authorities were trying to figure it out. Innocent people, all races, religions, kids and elderly, this was not an attack on any particular group- other than country music fans.
Initially there were reports of additional shooters, the chaos was insane. Immediately people were claiming to have seen a second and third shooter in other hotels- why then, were there no other shootings?
Three days later we have a dozen alternate stories and conspiracy theories of what happened. I choose to listen to my heart the actual news. What we have learned- aside from the conspiracy theories, is this was one man, not 2 or 3. He was white, he was retired, he was wealthy. Not your 'typical' mass murderer, huh? I have chosen not to judge until I learn more about the man himself. No one knows what led him to this at this point. No letters or suicide notes, no emails have been released, we really know nothing right now.
My big issue right now? people swearing there were other shooters. People calling for immediate gun control changes. People blaming Trump. People attacking the fact that if this was a black guy... People screaming about abortion then saying guns are my right. And the hate being spread when they claim to be so against hate because that is what causes this behavior. Saying what we need is God in schools and back in homes. UGH!
There was another active shooter in the Paris Hotel, I saw him with my own eyes! Really? Active shooter= a person firing a weapon. why were there no injuries or even reports of shots fired?
Stop with the politics, really. Do you realize there are people who haven't even had their loved ones released to them yet? These people need to grieve, for hell sake! They dont' want to hear you fighting over gun control already! And while you are at it- don't tell me how many deaths there are each year by abortion and want that banned but having guns is your right!
And can someone explain how this is Trumps fault? Really? 
The God factor... I have seen a number of people say what we need is God back in the home and prayer in schools. Really? I was raised without God in my home and I turned out to not be a mass murderer. I raised my daughter in a pagan home and she is one of the kindest souls I know. Teaching values and respect and morals has nothing to do with God!
I do think our gun laws need to be changed, I am not saying guns should be banned!
This was a terrible tragic event that will not be forgotten for a long time. And as long as people continue to fight over these issues- nothing will be resolved! Stop the hate, stop the arguing. Come together and be just a little bit open minded to the other sides views. And just maybe we can find a reasonable solution that will help prevent these kind of things from happening. No, they will never be stopped- it is part of todays world. But every angry word you say to a friend who disagrees with your stand on gun control, every negative thought you have about people who have mental health issues, every bit of hate that you let out... that is what creates this behavior in people- even in yourself! 
Just love one another. And pray for the victims.

Women I have loved

As I am pretty sure I have said in the past, I am bisexual... The few days have had me thinking. In my life there have been a small handful of women who I truly cared about and wanted in my life forever. Jules was project, she had a lot of problems that I wanted to save her from. We had incredible times together, we really clicked. but she couldn't get off the drugs and stay out of jail... I still think about her all the time. Michelle was honestly the love of my life, we fought like sisters, but we could read each other, we could make each other laugh no matter what. Both of us married, but we still had that connection, one that I didn't think could ever be lost. When she got sick I struggled- I didnt' want to see her like that, I wanted to wait until she was better... then I realized she wasn't going to get better, so I saw her as much as I could. We talked- we both hid our feelings, of the situation at hand and for each other. Neither of us wanted to accept what was happening. The day I lost her was the worst day of my life. I hurt, I was devastated. My best friend, my soulmate- gone. I think of her every single day, I talk to her every day. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss a person. Then there was Jennifer. We never met in person, we met online. messaged, emailed, then started talking on the phone. We wrote real paper letters that went thru the mail, sent gifts... she was amazing. We had talked about her coming out here to visit or even stay. Then one day she decided because I had a different view of this countrys political situation, that she never wanted to hear from me again! I was so lost and confused! Seriously- over a comment about the president? End a 3 year relationship? How did that even happen? I still wake up some days and want to text her, then I remember- she won't respond, she obviously isn't the person I thought she was... it isn't worth it. But I miss her.
I think some of this is tied to my depression. For sure the loss of Michelle affects me daily. But I have always felt my life was missing something, unless I had a female in my life- I just have a vacant space inside. I have my bestie who lives with me, and she fills a big part of that void I have had, but its not quite the same. I miss my Michelle, she could always fix things, she could always heal my heart and calm my temper.
I don't think I will ever find, or even search for, someone to fill that place again. I have my husband- yes, we have some problems, no we don't have the greatest communication, but i love him and he loves me and he will never give up on me.

another day in my miserable life

Another day of the battle. Not a terrible day, but I can't pull out of the funk I'm feeling. Yesterday was a pretty good day, today started out ok- but I just didn't feel good, and the depression seeped in fast. I hate the thoughts I have, I really wish I could just stop thinking about death. I don't really want to die, I just feel like it's the only answer to my problems. My family would have things so much easier without me to worry about. then I look at my dogs... they would miss me and not understand. Who would care for them and love them? They need me. People understand, people have other people to lean on... my fur babies would be lost if I was no longer here. Yes, I cry about this! I am literally hanging on because of my dogs! I care about my family, don't get me wrong, but I don't care- does that make sense? Nothing matters, they will get by without me... they may not believe it, but they will. I always wonder how they get by when I go away for a few days, but I believe they would figure it out and survive without me. I try so hard every day to find positive, search for a reason to smile, a reason to hold on for another day. But I feel like things are just getting worse. And my coping abilities are gone! My husband doesn't understand what is going on really, and he has no idea how to help me. None of the people really close to me, I don't think, realize how bad this really is. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should check in to a psych unit for a while... but really, I don't feel it would do me any good! And who would take care of my babies? I am alive right now because I worry too much about what will happen to my family and my dogs if I am gone... sad! I shouldn't have to remain this miserable, suffering in this pain every single day just because I feel a responsibility to my family! Maybe if they understood just a little, then they would try to help me... just a little. I stare at my pill bottles every day wondering if this is going to be the day I choose to take them all. I get behind the wheel of the car and ponder a fatal accident. The thoughts never leave. but I tell myself I can't- my dogs need me, who will make dinner tonight if I die? I fucking hate this life! I want it to end!

Hurricane Helpers

Desperately due for a more positive post! So here it is. A couple weeks ago Texas was hit by Hurricane Harvey, altho the coast was somewhat prepared for this huge storm, Houston got hit by insane amounts of rain. Flooding like no one ever could have imagined. Hunderds of thousands of people had to leave their homes with zero notice, unable to save anything. thousands of homes completely destroys, and almost the entire city suffered some degree of damage. No one was immune to Mother Natures wrath.
A friend reached out to me asking if I was interested in helping her out with some relief efforts. Turns out she and a couple friends had contacts in Houston, connections here, and were arranging to send a semi load of supplies. Within a just a few days I witnessed some amazing things, my faith in humanity restored. The first day I was involved- my carport was filled with donations! The night we went to load what was to be the first truck, we packed a 53 foot semi! In a matter of hours. Trucks and trailers pulling up one after another. We had tons of people helping to unload cars and trailers and transfer to the semi. It was amazing! Someone donated 25 pizzas to feed us all. Godfrey Trucking donated the truck and one of their driers donated his time to make the trip... it was all so amazing! That first night with that truck we were already realizing we would need a second truck!
When all was said and done, we had sent 4 fully loaded 53 foot semi trucks to Houston. They went to Grace Woodlands Church, where there were hundreds of volunteers to unload, organize, and distribute the donations. They sent pick-up trucks out to deliver supplies to those trapped and in need. We were able to helps literally thousands of people! We sent clothing and water, baby food and batteries, bug spray and life jackets! Really we had donations of so many things I never would have really thought about needing in a disaster like this.
Now, as Hurricane Irma is breaking apart over the midwest, we are preparing to send a truck or two to Florida. The Keys were destroyed, Miami, Jacksonville- flooded. We will be sending our support where it can be used the most.
We named our group of ladies Hurricane Helpers. We have a Facebook page so people can keep up on our efforts and contribute, we are hashtagging #hurricanehelpers. And we don't plan to stop with these tropical storms!
Did you know Montana and Oregon have been on fire for months? We know we can't save the world, but we sure wish we could! We are making contacts to see what we can do to help, if at all, with these places. One person cannot do a lot, but when each of those people pack up just one box, buy just one case of water or a package of diapers... and all those people come together- WE can make a huge difference!
~I May Not Have Much, But I Have More Than They Do~
This is my life motto, has been without me actually using it, I have always been one to give even if I really don't have anything to give!
Here are some of the photos taken of our Houston Relief efforts...

If anyone is interested in supporting our efforts, check out Hurricane Helpers on Facebook or contact me.
This has been truly a blessed experience for me, as well as a great distraction from everything I have been dealing with. People are amazing when we forget the hate in the world and remember to love thy neighbor.

What happened?

I never thought I'd be thinking about suicide. I never thought I woudl be writing about how miserable I am. I never thought I could hurt this much.
What happened?
I have been thru some really difficult times, some really crappy experiences. So how was I able to get thru all that... alone? And now, here I am, I have friends and some family who love me and support me and who I know are there for me and care... and I can't get thru this one! I feel alone, altho I know inside I'm not. Why? Because I have finally opened up about my pain and my thoughts. 
What happened? I got weak, I let my walls down. When I was young I had a heart of stone! Nothing could break me- no matter how much I hurt. I went thru physical pain- that doesn't hurt like this. I went thru heartbreak in relationships- this is totally different level of heartbreak. I went to prison! My entire life taken away, my freedom taken away, my future, my family, my possessions... all gone. One would think that would push someone over the edge. No, that gave me more strength! But it also gave me a heart. As did having children. I softened. I started to care. That's what happened! I act strong, I say I dont' care... but it's an act... 
I can't keep up that role anymore, I had to let people see inside me or I was going to self destruct. And now, even tho I have allowed myself to be seen as the human that I am- I am still self destructing. With some help from the outside world, of course. This pain isn't just made up crap in my head- it's real, it's outside influences hurting me. People and situations that I have no control over... but they have gained control over me.
I let that happen. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And now I pay the price.
This is not how I saw my life, or my death. This is not how I wanted things to be- ever.
As I said earlier, I have lost hope for any change, but I am still hanging on to each moment that makes me smile, to each thought that reminds me I can't leave. It hurts- I feel that continuing to exist is a responsibility at this point, not something I want. yes, I said exist- am not living anymore- I just exist.
What the hell happened to me?

Suicidal Thoughts Run Deep

Another day of pain, another day of not being able to handle the pain. Another day of feeling like there is only one solution. Only one way to make you understand how I feel. We were once best friends, now you won't talk to me. Everyday something happens that breaks me a little bit more. You were my life, now I don't know what my life is without you in it. Everything I've done- for you. And now? I am empty. Lost. Broken.
I cannot go on seeing what has become of your life, how you are being used and abused. I cannot bear to not be part of any future you may have planned. I cannot stand that you don't care anymore. I cannot go on without you in my life.
 No one understands, no one can really see what is happening inside of me. They think I'm strong and I will get thru this depression. This isn't depression, this is life altering, soul shattering heartbreak that I cannot recover from.
I have a plan. Yes, it's that serious. Suicide is no longer a passing thought- it is something I have thought long and hard about, thought out ways that wouldn't be too painful or messy. I have a plan. I fight it every day, tell myself I can hold on just a little longer to see if maybe things will change... then I have a day or two that seem ok. Then I hear something about you, or I see that you did something or something else happened... and it just twists that knife a little bit more in my heart. Pushing me that much closer to the end. I reached the edge a while ago, now it's just a matter of reaching the end of that edge. How many steps until I fall off?
I can't fight these thoughts anymore. I know the pain it will cause others, but what about my pain? No one understands how bad it is. I ask myself all the time- what am I waiting for? Nothing will change, you will never see things from my eyes- or anyone elses for that matter. Something serious has to happen before you will get it. And maybe this will do it! I am willing to sacrifice my life in an attempt to save yours. But even if it doesn't help you see things, at least my pain will stop.
I don't want to hurt anyone. But how do I prevent that? You don't care, so why should I? Yeah, that's pretty much my new found attitude. You were my world... and you are gone.
I have considered getting help, I even started seeing a therapist. But I now realize there is no help, I am beyond that point... I don't think I want help anymore.
Forgive me, all I ever did was love you and try to give you the best life I could.

I just can't...

I've had amazing distractions recently from all the depression, doing charity work and focusing on helping others makes me feel great! But eventually reality sets back in, and usually harder than before... 
How am I supposed to do this? Any of it? Just when I think my heart can't be destroyed anymore- it is. Just when my financial stress gets to a point I think we are going to be ok- another unnecessary expense... and it goes on.
Homicidal? yes. Suicidal? oh yes! Homicide would only solve a part of my problems. Suicide would just remove me from all of it, and my pain would stop. Others would hurt, that's really the only reason I hang on- I worry about how I would hurt others and the effect it would have on them. Why do I even care about that? Doesn't my pain matter? To anyone?
Yes, I feel alone again. Yes, I feel like my thoughts and opinions on things don't matter. Yes, I feel like I just want to not exist anymore... again.
Still broken hearted, my reason for living has walked away from my life... I have given up on hope, I have given up on pretty much everything. I just can't do it anymore.
I can't keep hoping, I can't keep trying. I can't keep hurting.
I'm in a place that I am slowly and painfully allowing my surroundings to kill me... or I could do it quick and painessly.
Everyone says I'm so strong and such a tough fighter. I've been thru a lot on my life, and I have fought thru it all and come out a stronger person. Not now. I am weak, I don't have the fight or even the desire to find the fight.
I'm just done.