todays thoughts

Not 24 hours can go by in my life without tears rolling down my face. How did this become my life? It started out that I just couldn't deal with that one thing that was going on... then it became a couple more. Now? I have zero coping skills. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing is going right. I struggle each day to find anything to be positive about... and sometimes when I do, I realize that positive is actually a negative in some ways.
How long can I keep going like this? I said that S word again today- am I really there again? I know the depression has grown but I thought I had left those thoughts behind me and was doing better in that aspect, I had kind of found some hope for me and a future. Now, I don't have hope- again. I don't see a reason, other than abandoning my husband, to keep going. I no longer care what would happen to others if I was gone, I don't care how people would feel if I took my life. I have always hated that, even after losing friends to suicide- the friends who say "how can you do this to me?" This is about me, not you. This is about the pain that I want to stop, not about the pain it would cause you. When I start feeling like this, and actually let people know how I feel- I get texts and calls trying to guilt me out of it. Make me feel guilty? Because I don't already feel shitty enough? Guilt won't help!It makes a person feel like they failed yet another person.
I try to figure out what it would take to change these feelings and the tears, I know it can't all happen at once! I'm back to work- that's a baby step. But with each baby step I get shoved back three steps in other places! And that's even another thing that brings me down... I start feeling better about how Im doing, making progress... then bam! I get knocked down again. It is all so frustrating... and I can't deal with frustration these days. I blew up and started crying at work today, I cried when I came home, oh- and of course cried this morning... I can't go a day, or even 10 hours without tears.
What happened to the strong me? What happened to the me who could hide her troubles? The me who just didn't let shit get to her?
This whole week has been rough, more hidden tears than usual, more feeling of inadequacy than normal... (what is normal for me anymore?) I can't fix every problem, I can't be the one responsible for everyones health and happiness. I can't help you if you won't help yourself. I can't be the one that everything comes down on.
At some point I will stop caring. I will give up. I already have stopped caring about a lot of things, and I have given up on a lot as well... soon... nothing... will... matter...