Last night I was watching a reality show and I got some reality reminders of my own. This struggle I have had with my depression... isn't just my struggle. I don't discuss it much with my husband, but he knows I struggle, I've told him how miserable i am and that I have had suicidal thoughts- altho I don't know how much he really see, how serious he believes this is. We don't talk much about it, I feel like I shouldn't burden him with it, and I know he isn't equipped to help me. I know he wants to help, but really doesn't know how. What never hit me until last night, how does this affect him? How does MY depression affect how he thinks and feels- about me, our marriage, our future... even my love and dedication to him. I love Troy, and I am more dedicated to my marriage and our future than I was a year ago! I hate that he probably doesn't understand the pain and unhappiness I am dealing with, I don't like to think that he may feel less than the husband he should be because he can't help me. I hate that he might think I don't want to be with him, or that any of this is his fault!
I don't know that I will ever be the person he chased for so many years, I don't know that I will ever again be the woman he married, or even the person I tried so hard to continue to be after my health started failing me. And I don't know that any of that even matters to him. Whoever I am when and if this all comes to an end, I do know that I will be a different person from who I ever have been- that's how life and experiences work. I just hope that he will accept and love the me who I am becoming.
I cannot, at this time, say that I am getting better or that I will get better. I don't honestly know that my husband will have a wife or be a widower a year from now... or get sick of my shit and divorce me!
I love my husband, and I pray that he is strong enough to get thru this with me. He may not feel like I need him, but I do!
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