more brain damage

Every now and then I am reminded that I do have memory loss and other issues related to my seizures and the stroke. Today is one of those times. It is so frustrating to pick up something that has been a hobby for so many years and completely forget how to do it!
I learned to crochet while I was in prison... 12 or so years ago. I learned a lot of different stitches and patterns, I was actually pretty good for a beginner! I continued crocheting after prison, I enjoyed it and figured i could get even better and one day make gifts and blankets for my grand children and all that stuff. Sometimes I have to restart a project three or four times to get the stitch right that I am trying to do.
But today I completely just lost almost all my knowledge of crocheting! I picked up the hook and some really cool yarn ready to start a simple scarf for my daughter... I did the chain to start and then i just froze. Absolutely had no idea how to do the stitch I have done so many times on blankets and other scarves, I just sat here for ten minutes staring at my yarn! So I decided to try another stitch... nope, couldnt' figure that one out either. Drove me mad! I finally settled on a stitch that happened to po back in my head while fighting with this... Not what I want, but it will turn out ok.
So after all this, I have decided that I am really going to put some effort into my crocheting abilities. I am watching tutorials on YouTube, I am going to practice different stitches and see what they come out looking like, I will be able to crochet!
I have gone thru a lot of memory problems, short term and long term. They come up randomly, unexpected. I can be talking to an old high school friend and they bring up a memory- something big that everyone remembers- and I have zero recollection. I can go to the store and forget where I parked... this actually happens often! But never used to. I can remember things today and not remember the same thing tomorrow- if that makes any sense.
It seems to be getting worse. More often, bigger things, more types of things I forget... it's scary! What will my mind be like in 5 years? in 15 years? Do I have a fear of waking up one day and not knowing where I am or who my husband is? I actually do! Every seizure causes more leisons on my brain- more killed brain cells, more brain damage. I average 5 seizures a week, sometimes a lot more. granted, they are way less severe than they were in the past, which I assume results in less damage, but it still happens. 5 seizures a week times 52 weeks times 5 years? My entire brain will be dead eventually! No, I don't really think like that- but it is an interesting way to see the possible.
Right now I focus on my day to day, and for the most part if my memory fails me, it isn't a big deal... but once in a while, things like today just really get to me.
I am planning to crochet my recovery away, so these tutorials are kind of cool!