I just can't...

I've had amazing distractions recently from all the depression, doing charity work and focusing on helping others makes me feel great! But eventually reality sets back in, and usually harder than before... 
How am I supposed to do this? Any of it? Just when I think my heart can't be destroyed anymore- it is. Just when my financial stress gets to a point I think we are going to be ok- another unnecessary expense... and it goes on.
Homicidal? yes. Suicidal? oh yes! Homicide would only solve a part of my problems. Suicide would just remove me from all of it, and my pain would stop. Others would hurt, that's really the only reason I hang on- I worry about how I would hurt others and the effect it would have on them. Why do I even care about that? Doesn't my pain matter? To anyone?
Yes, I feel alone again. Yes, I feel like my thoughts and opinions on things don't matter. Yes, I feel like I just want to not exist anymore... again.
Still broken hearted, my reason for living has walked away from my life... I have given up on hope, I have given up on pretty much everything. I just can't do it anymore.
I can't keep hoping, I can't keep trying. I can't keep hurting.
I'm in a place that I am slowly and painfully allowing my surroundings to kill me... or I could do it quick and painessly.
Everyone says I'm so strong and such a tough fighter. I've been thru a lot on my life, and I have fought thru it all and come out a stronger person. Not now. I am weak, I don't have the fight or even the desire to find the fight.
I'm just done.