A lot has taken place the past week. And I know a lot of friends are wondering how I am doing.
My mind... The anxiety got to a point that was destroying me mentally as well as physically, but as of this posting- seems to be getting a bit better. I have been out a couple times, today I actually had my husband drop me off at the grocery store and I was able to do most of my shopping solo. Doesn't seem like a big deal to most, but for me- it's huge right now. I saw my therapist today- I feel like a lot was accomplished and I really did feel better after leaving her office. I am setting small goals every day, things to get done without anxiety or emotional breakdowns. And I feel good about being able to do the simplest of chores! I am focusing more on the positive and less on the negative, what I can do rather than what I can't do. As for the depression, I have realized I need to stop dwelling on the things that I cannot control, and again, focus on the positive- the things I can change. My memory is having trouble again, the short term stuff I have had problems with in the past. It is very frustrating! My thoughts get scrambled, I forget what the topic is in conversations occasionally.
My body... well, I certainly don't feel 30 anymore! The aches and pains are almost entirely back to where they were 3 years ago. The random stabbing pains, feeling like my muscles are being squeezed, I am constantly getting cramps in my feet. My knees are getting weak, my right hip is locking and aching again. And I've been having trouble with a very stiff and sore neck the past couple days. On Sunday I talked myself into going on the Fallen Officers Ride, I knew it would be a low impact ride and I really wanted to do this. I knew I taking chances... and sadly, the strength I found to got on the bike that morning did not last thru the day. I had a bit of anxiety prior to the ride, an attack that caused a small seizure. Then a few miles into the ride same thing happened... my amazing husband got us off the road and stopped in seconds, and before I knew it I had a couple of our ride friends, a police officer, and Provo Fire Dept medic by my side. Thank the gods it was small, and I had my magnet, and such amazing people watching out for me! After a few minutes I was up and back on the bike. A few miles later is when my hip started bothering me- and did for the remainder of the day. Other than that- it was an incredible day and I would do it again! And I am this Saturday! Each day I feel myself getting closer to needing to use my cane. On the up side... my tennis elbow is almost entirely recovered! I have almost full range of motion and very minimal pain!
My heart... ouch! I am still at a loss as to how to repair this, I honestly don't think it ever can be fully repaired. Since my last post I have had so many friends reach out to me in support and that has been huge in lifting this darkness that has surrounded me. Altho no one really understands the pain, they are there for me when I have my breakdowns. Yesterday morning I woke up, looked at my phone and saw that I had a text message. I unlocked my phone and clicked messages and there was the most beautiful thing anyone could ask for... a photo of the daughter I gave up starting her first day of 8th grade. I knew it would be a good day! She isn't really a part of my life at this point, but I have hopes of a future friendship. These little things warm my heart. Then later in the day my other daughter, who I never talk to or hear from, posted on facebook that she loves me. That actually brought tears to my eyes. She doesn't understand the love I have for her, she doesn't understand the things I say are meant to help her... She doesn't understand how much I hurt because of her. Every little action or word I have to remind myself that I cannot change her choices, I have to focus on the things I can change and distance myself from the things that hurt me. This week I had a moment of... well, I had a complete breakdown realizing something that is rather life changing for me... I cried and cried, really all I can do- and accept it.
20 years ago if someone had asked me where I see myself at 50- I wouln't have said anything near where I am now. Married- yes. The rest, any of it- no. Pretty hard to swallow. More accepting things the way they are... things I cannot change.
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