As many know I have been dealing with severe depression in recent months, depression like I have never experienced. Uncontrollable crying at the drop of a hat, suicidal thoughts, hiding in my room... playing with dark magic and thinking of ways to make those people causing me pain- to bring pain to them.
2 months ago I got the job I have been wanting for a long time. But the universe apparently was totally against me having this job- I got sick. Things kept happening- a pulled muscle, an infected bug bite, a bulged tendon, then an allergic reaction to antibiotics and the flu... by the time all that was over, I realized that job was not meant to be. So I quit. My depression was pretty bad, my chronic fatigue was coming back, and I was experiencing quite a bit of pain. I decided to go back to the job I was comfortable in, I returned to 7-11 explaining that my health had declined and I needed to limit hours and get myself better.
That lasted less than 2 weeks. My anxiety kicked in worse than ever, debilitating. I was in bed most of a week- and am still battling it. So bad that it has been triggering seizures. The depression had me having suicidal thoughts for a few days. I have dealt with my depression fairly well I think, but when I stack anxiety and pain and fatigue and whatever other ailments I'm experiencing, combined with financial stress and feeling useless because of all these things... I couldn't take it. I mean why stick around? My daughter doesn't need or want me in her life. My other daughter has amazing parents and really doesn't even know me. I feel I'm a burden to my family if I can't help around the house or bring in any income- and at times have to be waited on an helped with the stupidest of things. I was truly at the end of my rope and feeling 100% hopeless.
Thank the gods I have an amazing family and a few good friends who cared enough to reach out to me, and my angel. I have 3 teenagers who make me smile every day, and really do count on me for things. I have my Katina- my soulmate sisterwife, she understands everything I am dealing with. My husband does his best to understand, and even tho he doesn't get it all- he is so very supportive and helps me with whatever I need, he is so patient with me. And TC, my 'other husband', he makes me laugh and I can talk to him about almost anything.
Last week I was scared, scared of my thoughts- of myself. I told my husband I was considering having him take me to Uni. But I got thru the weekend somehow. And Tuesday morning something happened, I felt my Michelle with me. She was a true fighter, she never gave up and she never let anyone see her pain. Then a light entered my home, a white energy that lifted some of my tension and gave me that much more strength. I called for an appointment with a counselor- whom I met with today and have future appointments with.
I will get a handle on my depression and anxiety, I will eventually figure out why I am so sick and what, if anything, I can do about it. I won't give up, I won't be defeated. I hurt- in my head, in my heart, in my body... but I will not let that pain win.
I want so many things to be different, not just for me but for others I care about. And when I see that I can't fix things- it hurts that much more. I'm the kind of person who has to fix things and when I can't it makes me feel I have failed. I the kind of person who needs to understand why things are the way they are, and when there is no reason or explanation- it is upsetting to me. I don't understand where my anxiety is coming from, I don't know why I am getting sick again. I do know the main source of my depression- altho it isn't just one thing, but I can't fix it- I can't change what is causing that pain.
So my new chapter? FIGHT! fight for me. Distance myself from the negative and the sources of my mental and emotional pain. Keep seeing the therapist. Keep my family and my support system close. Forget about the little things and focus on ME.
I'm sick, that's the bottom line. I won't be returning to work for a long time- if ever. I won't be going on rides much, going places alone- or going many places at all, for quite a while. My life changed this past couple months, I don't know that I will ever be the same again... But I thought that a few yeas ago and I did get better for a couple years. This is worse, I know, so I don't have high expectations for my overall health, but I will get a handle on the depression and anxiety.
This next chapter is going to be rough, but I know I can do it. Thank you to those who have reached out, prayed, and shown support.
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