Failure

Of course- I had half a post written last night, and because my brain and eyes were tired I put it on hold... and end up deleting it all and starting over. So on with a totally different topic...

Have you ever felt like a failure? Not like the typical "oh, I failed at being a mom cuz my kid smokes," or "I am a failure as a friend because I forgot your birthday." I mean really feel like a failure- in so many aspects of life that you just feel you have failed in general. That's me.

I know, I have done a damn good job with what I've been dealt in life. I have accomplished a lot and succeeded in so many things I set out to do... but with as much as I have let people down, including myself, and the failures I have had...

I am almost 50. When I was young I saw myself having a great career and family, being active and living the life I wanted. HA!

As of today I am officially unemployed- again. this is devastating to me. I can't hold a job, well- not the job I want! My health is declining more each day and I see where I am headed in the next couple years if not sooner. I failed myself and my family. My husband wants a fun active life of being out on the motorcycle, spending time with our friends- and me... and all I can do is sit home because Im sick.

People say they failed as a parent... really? Did you raise your kids? Are you in their lives? Do they visit you? I can't say yes to those things. I raised my oldest with a lot of help from my mother in law, I went days sometimes not seeing her, then when she was 12 she was taken from me and I didn't see her for almost 3 years. My youngest is still a child, but not part of my life really- why? because I failed again- at marriage that time. A 4th failed marriage caused me to lose my youngest at a year and a half. My first contact with her was when she was 12, I've seen her 3 times. Neither of my kids chose to visit or contact me, the youngest is understandable. The oldest is my big failure... We were once close, best friends. But things changed- she got married and moved away, her head has somehow been filled with negative about me and I can't change that.

My health- I can't control my health, but I feel I have failed myself, failed my family. I am sick again! I can't work- which means I can't make money to contribute. It means I again feel I am a burden in more ways than just financial, on my family. I fail my friends too, when I am sick. I make plans, then I have to cancel. And eventually they are no longer there for me... just as I am terrified my family will eventually do. Which brings me back to failing myself- being alone.

I know, a lot of this is my depression talking, but really- why wouldn't I be depressed? Quitting my job today was a big blow for me. The realization that I again am too unhealthy to be working... I failed at yet another dream...