My health is declining, it scares me. I don't want to be that person who can't do things, can't work, can't go out. I don't want to be that person who feels like a burden to those around me. The chronic fatigue is back, the fibro aches and pains are back, the fog is back... it's almost like I went into remission for 2 years and am now coming out of it.
I had a scary reality this weekend when my dear friend, my daughters grandmother, was hospitalized. She has not been in the best of health in recent years, but never have I considered the thought of her not being here... until this weekend. She had another small stroke and some liver trouble and dehydration... she's ok and out of the hospital. But this was a real wake up call for me, I was terrified. I'm not ready to lose her. She has been there for me since I met her 27 years ago.
I have an amazing family. And by family I mean the people who live in my home and share my life. I feel there are times they think they are a burden or think I would be happier if they weren't here... that is so far from the truth for me! These people- all of them, adults and kids, have changed my life and have helped me in ways they will never understand. Yes, I suffer with my depression, but that isn't their fault and they can't fix it. They bring smiles to my face when I am in tears, they help me see the good when all I can see is bad, the kids have brought new faith to my vision of our future... just having people around me helps me.
My zoo- my 2 dogs, my familys 4 dogs, my 2 cats, lizard, and snake... yes, it's a zoo and yes, it gets a bit crazy to say the least! There are times that I wish I could get rid of three of these dogs, but then I think how much I really adore them and they are family. Then a couple days ago I get told by a neighbor that there have been complaints from more than just one person in the area about the noise from our dogs. What do I do? I can't just get rid of them, but if I don't do something- someone is on the brink of calling animal services and they will come take the 4 dogs that aren't registered... no questions asked. I am at a loss with this.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about. Yet all I can seem to do is stay in this dark place over the one thing that matters most, the one thing that has me lost and broken. I need to find the strength to see past it for now and focus on those positive things in my life. I cannot change how other people choose to live or think, I can only hope that one day they will see what everyone else sees. I cannot fix the wrongs, I have to sit back and watch a life self destruct.
Yes, my thoughts are scrambled! I sit here watching American Ninja Warrior and thinking about working (which I can't do but plan to anyway), I have 3 little dogs on the sofa between me and my bestie, while my lab is chasing flies around the house. I have a comfortable life, I am content for the most part. Watching tv with my besties and hubby and pets- nothing better.
I had a scary reality this weekend when my dear friend, my daughters grandmother, was hospitalized. She has not been in the best of health in recent years, but never have I considered the thought of her not being here... until this weekend. She had another small stroke and some liver trouble and dehydration... she's ok and out of the hospital. But this was a real wake up call for me, I was terrified. I'm not ready to lose her. She has been there for me since I met her 27 years ago.
I have an amazing family. And by family I mean the people who live in my home and share my life. I feel there are times they think they are a burden or think I would be happier if they weren't here... that is so far from the truth for me! These people- all of them, adults and kids, have changed my life and have helped me in ways they will never understand. Yes, I suffer with my depression, but that isn't their fault and they can't fix it. They bring smiles to my face when I am in tears, they help me see the good when all I can see is bad, the kids have brought new faith to my vision of our future... just having people around me helps me.
My zoo- my 2 dogs, my familys 4 dogs, my 2 cats, lizard, and snake... yes, it's a zoo and yes, it gets a bit crazy to say the least! There are times that I wish I could get rid of three of these dogs, but then I think how much I really adore them and they are family. Then a couple days ago I get told by a neighbor that there have been complaints from more than just one person in the area about the noise from our dogs. What do I do? I can't just get rid of them, but if I don't do something- someone is on the brink of calling animal services and they will come take the 4 dogs that aren't registered... no questions asked. I am at a loss with this.
I have so much to be thankful for, so much to be happy about. Yet all I can seem to do is stay in this dark place over the one thing that matters most, the one thing that has me lost and broken. I need to find the strength to see past it for now and focus on those positive things in my life. I cannot change how other people choose to live or think, I can only hope that one day they will see what everyone else sees. I cannot fix the wrongs, I have to sit back and watch a life self destruct.
Yes, my thoughts are scrambled! I sit here watching American Ninja Warrior and thinking about working (which I can't do but plan to anyway), I have 3 little dogs on the sofa between me and my bestie, while my lab is chasing flies around the house. I have a comfortable life, I am content for the most part. Watching tv with my besties and hubby and pets- nothing better.
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