another day in my miserable life

Another day of the battle. Not a terrible day, but I can't pull out of the funk I'm feeling. Yesterday was a pretty good day, today started out ok- but I just didn't feel good, and the depression seeped in fast. I hate the thoughts I have, I really wish I could just stop thinking about death. I don't really want to die, I just feel like it's the only answer to my problems. My family would have things so much easier without me to worry about. then I look at my dogs... they would miss me and not understand. Who would care for them and love them? They need me. People understand, people have other people to lean on... my fur babies would be lost if I was no longer here. Yes, I cry about this! I am literally hanging on because of my dogs! I care about my family, don't get me wrong, but I don't care- does that make sense? Nothing matters, they will get by without me... they may not believe it, but they will. I always wonder how they get by when I go away for a few days, but I believe they would figure it out and survive without me. I try so hard every day to find positive, search for a reason to smile, a reason to hold on for another day. But I feel like things are just getting worse. And my coping abilities are gone! My husband doesn't understand what is going on really, and he has no idea how to help me. None of the people really close to me, I don't think, realize how bad this really is. I wonder sometimes if maybe I should check in to a psych unit for a while... but really, I don't feel it would do me any good! And who would take care of my babies? I am alive right now because I worry too much about what will happen to my family and my dogs if I am gone... sad! I shouldn't have to remain this miserable, suffering in this pain every single day just because I feel a responsibility to my family! Maybe if they understood just a little, then they would try to help me... just a little. I stare at my pill bottles every day wondering if this is going to be the day I choose to take them all. I get behind the wheel of the car and ponder a fatal accident. The thoughts never leave. but I tell myself I can't- my dogs need me, who will make dinner tonight if I die? I fucking hate this life! I want it to end!