Women I have loved

As I am pretty sure I have said in the past, I am bisexual... The few days have had me thinking. In my life there have been a small handful of women who I truly cared about and wanted in my life forever. Jules was project, she had a lot of problems that I wanted to save her from. We had incredible times together, we really clicked. but she couldn't get off the drugs and stay out of jail... I still think about her all the time. Michelle was honestly the love of my life, we fought like sisters, but we could read each other, we could make each other laugh no matter what. Both of us married, but we still had that connection, one that I didn't think could ever be lost. When she got sick I struggled- I didnt' want to see her like that, I wanted to wait until she was better... then I realized she wasn't going to get better, so I saw her as much as I could. We talked- we both hid our feelings, of the situation at hand and for each other. Neither of us wanted to accept what was happening. The day I lost her was the worst day of my life. I hurt, I was devastated. My best friend, my soulmate- gone. I think of her every single day, I talk to her every day. I miss her more than I ever thought I could miss a person. Then there was Jennifer. We never met in person, we met online. messaged, emailed, then started talking on the phone. We wrote real paper letters that went thru the mail, sent gifts... she was amazing. We had talked about her coming out here to visit or even stay. Then one day she decided because I had a different view of this countrys political situation, that she never wanted to hear from me again! I was so lost and confused! Seriously- over a comment about the president? End a 3 year relationship? How did that even happen? I still wake up some days and want to text her, then I remember- she won't respond, she obviously isn't the person I thought she was... it isn't worth it. But I miss her.
I think some of this is tied to my depression. For sure the loss of Michelle affects me daily. But I have always felt my life was missing something, unless I had a female in my life- I just have a vacant space inside. I have my bestie who lives with me, and she fills a big part of that void I have had, but its not quite the same. I miss my Michelle, she could always fix things, she could always heal my heart and calm my temper.
I don't think I will ever find, or even search for, someone to fill that place again. I have my husband- yes, we have some problems, no we don't have the greatest communication, but i love him and he loves me and he will never give up on me.