Another day of pain, another day of not being able to handle the pain. Another day of feeling like there is only one solution. Only one way to make you understand how I feel. We were once best friends, now you won't talk to me. Everyday something happens that breaks me a little bit more. You were my life, now I don't know what my life is without you in it. Everything I've done- for you. And now? I am empty. Lost. Broken.
I cannot go on seeing what has become of your life, how you are being used and abused. I cannot bear to not be part of any future you may have planned. I cannot stand that you don't care anymore. I cannot go on without you in my life.
No one understands, no one can really see what is happening inside of me. They think I'm strong and I will get thru this depression. This isn't depression, this is life altering, soul shattering heartbreak that I cannot recover from.
I have a plan. Yes, it's that serious. Suicide is no longer a passing thought- it is something I have thought long and hard about, thought out ways that wouldn't be too painful or messy. I have a plan. I fight it every day, tell myself I can hold on just a little longer to see if maybe things will change... then I have a day or two that seem ok. Then I hear something about you, or I see that you did something or something else happened... and it just twists that knife a little bit more in my heart. Pushing me that much closer to the end. I reached the edge a while ago, now it's just a matter of reaching the end of that edge. How many steps until I fall off?
I can't fight these thoughts anymore. I know the pain it will cause others, but what about my pain? No one understands how bad it is. I ask myself all the time- what am I waiting for? Nothing will change, you will never see things from my eyes- or anyone elses for that matter. Something serious has to happen before you will get it. And maybe this will do it! I am willing to sacrifice my life in an attempt to save yours. But even if it doesn't help you see things, at least my pain will stop.
I don't want to hurt anyone. But how do I prevent that? You don't care, so why should I? Yeah, that's pretty much my new found attitude. You were my world... and you are gone.
I have considered getting help, I even started seeing a therapist. But I now realize there is no help, I am beyond that point... I don't think I want help anymore.
Forgive me, all I ever did was love you and try to give you the best life I could.
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