Wow, What a year! It started out with me at one of my very lowest points... My health, my physical abilities, my mental and emotional state- all lower than I ever remember. I weighed more than I have in 8 years, I was using a cane to get around... some days I couldn't even get out of bed. I didn't leave home alone, I never slept, My epilepsy was at a high, having multiple seizures daily. I was beyond depressed. I wasn't a part of my family anymore- I never wanted to do things, go places... between the pain and the anxiety and the chronic fatigue, I just curled up in a ball and was living life as a hermit. My COPD had gotten very bad, the aches and pains believed to be fibro, altho not diagnosed, all of these issues led me to believe this was what my life would forever be. I was beyond depressed, I had suicidal thoughts daily! My family deserved so much more- they shouldn't have to care for me!
Then I learned about Thrive. Actually, I didn't even really learn much about it at all. I saw a friend using it and feeling amazing and positive after losing her husband. I picked up the phone and asked her about it. I talked to Troy, it wasn't a very cheap product considering my fixed income. But I was desperate for some kind of help and was willing to give it a try. I had to give it a try... I was ready to kill myself! I needed hope, I needed to believe I could get better... even if it only helped a little, that would be better than nothing. We agreed it was worth giving it a try for a month to see how and if it could help me.
Over the past ten months my life has done a complete flip! I cannot explain how much has changed and improved since I started taking the Thrive products! I feel young again, I feel like the ME I was a few years ago! My family has me back, I have me back.
Over the year I slowly started feeling better, gaining confidence in myself again. Yes, I still have some problems but everyday gets a little bit better. I work out, I sleep, I'm losing weight, I can breathe better and don't hurt nearly as much as I used to. I go out more, even go for walks alone. I've stopped all the supplements my doctor had me on- and my blood work last month came back as close to normal as it ever has! way better than when I was on those things. I haven't been sick, I don't take pills that didn't really help me in the first place.
Going into 2016 I am looking forward to a new me, a more positive me than ever! I already have a job prospect that should be falling into place right away. My daughter is getting married this year! So much to look forward to! A better life, a better family situation, a better marriage. Improved health and improved financial well being and improved relationships.
2015 was amazing, 2016 will be the follow up... completing the beginnings of this past year.
Love light and happiness to all for the coming year. If 2015 was not the best of years for you, don't give up hope. You never know what lies ahead.
My Love
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Dysfunction or Detached
This may come across as a rather twisted post, but I never claimed to be normal- nor have I ever said I have normal thoughts!
Recently I have been thinking of my mother. Not like the relationship, or lack there of, but things like when she dies, or if I die before she does (very possible, she is a vry healthy lady).
I wonder if my dad would even call me if she passed, or if she became very ill. I recently learned she had major surgery, so I don't expect I would be contacted if she became ill- like death bed type ill. And if I were, would I be expected to react? To visit? I hope not. Because I truly would not want to visit, not for myself, and certainly not at her request. Possibly, if my dad requested me to be there for him, I would consider it... but that's still a long shot. I mean... I have nothing to say to her, I feel no emotions toward her anymore, she means nothing to me. Sad, huh? I don't hate her, I am past the anger and the hurt and all the other feelings I felt, I just have no feelings. I know, I sound cold and uncaring, how can anyone think that way about their mother? The woman who gave birth to you and raised you? well, I don't apologize for how I feel- or don't feel, most of my life up until recently was hell because of this woman, I do not need to justify to anyone how I became this way. I am a very loving and caring person.
So what about her death? Would my dad call me? Would he call my daughter instead? or would he have my sister contact me? I'm sure she could track me down on Facebook or dig out my email address. Her husband is the executor of my parents estate, so obviously she would get the first phone call. I don't believe I will attend my mothers funeral. I honestly don't believe she would want me there, so maybe one last effort to show her respect- I would stay away. Again, if my father asked me to be there for him, I would have to bounce that thought around in my head, but when it comes down to it- no. I will be there emotionally for my dad, I will be a phone call away for my dad, I will spend any amount of time with my dad- if he wants me around, but not the funeral.
Most people don't understand how I can have such lack of respect, but I truly have no respect for the woman who raised me. I no longer care what happens in her world, in her mind. I don't care what she thinks of me or even what she tells people about me. She means nothing to me.
My dad, on the other hand, this is a very difficult situation. He is my dad! I looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor, my world... for a very long time! Then I learned that I was a disappointment to him. Ouch, that was crushing. But I still love him. I'm terrified that if HE is on his death bed, I wouldn't get a call. I do however, believe that if he passed, I would get a call telling me so. Doubtful I would be given funeral information, just a courtesy call. I truly believe the woman hates me, she has always made me feel as if she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and did things to keep me from him. Sad, right?
The entire situation is sad. I have a mother who has made no attempt to contact me in almost 5 years, a dad who just goes with the flow of what she does- for all I know he has been told horrific stories of why he hasn't seen me for 5 years! and a half sister who, well, who knows! She is far from Utah, she has a telephone relationship with our dad and her step mother.
I guess the older my parents get, the more these things cross my mind. I may never have another chance to see my dad or to tell him that I love him. In part, that was my decision. I chose to remove myself from his life in exchange for the peace of removing his wife from my life.
I have no idea if I will ever see either of them again, no idea if I will even know when they pass away. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, that pain of missing my dad still hits me once in a while, but then I remind myself of what a disappointment I was, and the fact that if he really wanted me in his life- he knows how to use a phone, too!
If any of my family happens to read this, please let it be known that I am hopeful they changed their will. I will not accept a dime, it will be given to charity or passed to my girls. People seem to think all I want from them or ever have, is their money. No, I never did, and no matter how bad off things might be- I don't want their money now. All I ever wanted was love and acceptance... Which I will never have from them.
Recently I have been thinking of my mother. Not like the relationship, or lack there of, but things like when she dies, or if I die before she does (very possible, she is a vry healthy lady).
I wonder if my dad would even call me if she passed, or if she became very ill. I recently learned she had major surgery, so I don't expect I would be contacted if she became ill- like death bed type ill. And if I were, would I be expected to react? To visit? I hope not. Because I truly would not want to visit, not for myself, and certainly not at her request. Possibly, if my dad requested me to be there for him, I would consider it... but that's still a long shot. I mean... I have nothing to say to her, I feel no emotions toward her anymore, she means nothing to me. Sad, huh? I don't hate her, I am past the anger and the hurt and all the other feelings I felt, I just have no feelings. I know, I sound cold and uncaring, how can anyone think that way about their mother? The woman who gave birth to you and raised you? well, I don't apologize for how I feel- or don't feel, most of my life up until recently was hell because of this woman, I do not need to justify to anyone how I became this way. I am a very loving and caring person.
So what about her death? Would my dad call me? Would he call my daughter instead? or would he have my sister contact me? I'm sure she could track me down on Facebook or dig out my email address. Her husband is the executor of my parents estate, so obviously she would get the first phone call. I don't believe I will attend my mothers funeral. I honestly don't believe she would want me there, so maybe one last effort to show her respect- I would stay away. Again, if my father asked me to be there for him, I would have to bounce that thought around in my head, but when it comes down to it- no. I will be there emotionally for my dad, I will be a phone call away for my dad, I will spend any amount of time with my dad- if he wants me around, but not the funeral.
Most people don't understand how I can have such lack of respect, but I truly have no respect for the woman who raised me. I no longer care what happens in her world, in her mind. I don't care what she thinks of me or even what she tells people about me. She means nothing to me.
My dad, on the other hand, this is a very difficult situation. He is my dad! I looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor, my world... for a very long time! Then I learned that I was a disappointment to him. Ouch, that was crushing. But I still love him. I'm terrified that if HE is on his death bed, I wouldn't get a call. I do however, believe that if he passed, I would get a call telling me so. Doubtful I would be given funeral information, just a courtesy call. I truly believe the woman hates me, she has always made me feel as if she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and did things to keep me from him. Sad, right?
The entire situation is sad. I have a mother who has made no attempt to contact me in almost 5 years, a dad who just goes with the flow of what she does- for all I know he has been told horrific stories of why he hasn't seen me for 5 years! and a half sister who, well, who knows! She is far from Utah, she has a telephone relationship with our dad and her step mother.
I guess the older my parents get, the more these things cross my mind. I may never have another chance to see my dad or to tell him that I love him. In part, that was my decision. I chose to remove myself from his life in exchange for the peace of removing his wife from my life.
I have no idea if I will ever see either of them again, no idea if I will even know when they pass away. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, that pain of missing my dad still hits me once in a while, but then I remind myself of what a disappointment I was, and the fact that if he really wanted me in his life- he knows how to use a phone, too!
If any of my family happens to read this, please let it be known that I am hopeful they changed their will. I will not accept a dime, it will be given to charity or passed to my girls. People seem to think all I want from them or ever have, is their money. No, I never did, and no matter how bad off things might be- I don't want their money now. All I ever wanted was love and acceptance... Which I will never have from them.
Monday, December 28, 2015
HouseSitting
A few years ago, I met a family who was going thru the hardest time ever. They had just lost their son in Afghanistan. Troy and I had recently joined the PGR, and this was to be the first of too many KIA missions we have done.
I saw things this family was going thru and it just tore my heart out. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like. There was a mom, a dad, a sister and nephew, a brother, sister in law, and their children... and a wife.
After Matt was laid to rest and the family began to adjust to what these families call the new normal, we had the chance to spend time and get to know them. And over the past 5 years they have become family. I absolutely love and respect this family! We ride together, we celebrate together, we share our lives... and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
A couple years ago they called and asked me to come stay at their home with their dogs while they took a trip. Me? I was touched they would ask, and honored to be trusted like that. Since then I have stayed maybe a dozen times at their home, about an hour from my own home... sometimes for 2 nights, sometimes for a week.
As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee, with a cute little schnauzer curled up next to me... I just realize how blessed I am to have these opportunities. When I started doing this the family had 3 dogs, sadly two have passed. I feel bad leaving my family and dogs, but I know they can take care of themselves for a few days. Meanwhile, I am getting some much needed ME time, I can relax and do nothing, I can think without being interrupted, and I can be a little bit spoiled... a jetted bath, amazing coffees and teas, and really any sweets and treats I could possibly want! A super comfy bed and a quiet neighborhood.
I love these people, they are family and always will be. There is trust, respect, honesty... and love.
I will be here for 6 more days this time. My husband is miserable already, my dogs are probably confused- but they have the rest of the family. And the couple I am house and dog sitting for? They are off making memories with their oldest grandchild! Every opportunity to do that, has to be taken! And every chance I have to help them make that possible- I will.
In the beginning I was really uncomfortable coming here. No one has ever trusted me like this, no one has ever wanted me to stay in their home for an extended period- let alone ask me what they should fill the fridge with before they leave! It was difficult to settle in and make myself feel at home. But as time passed, I felt better about being here and believed in myself a little more... and now it really is my home away from home.
I saw things this family was going thru and it just tore my heart out. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like. There was a mom, a dad, a sister and nephew, a brother, sister in law, and their children... and a wife.
After Matt was laid to rest and the family began to adjust to what these families call the new normal, we had the chance to spend time and get to know them. And over the past 5 years they have become family. I absolutely love and respect this family! We ride together, we celebrate together, we share our lives... and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
A couple years ago they called and asked me to come stay at their home with their dogs while they took a trip. Me? I was touched they would ask, and honored to be trusted like that. Since then I have stayed maybe a dozen times at their home, about an hour from my own home... sometimes for 2 nights, sometimes for a week.
As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee, with a cute little schnauzer curled up next to me... I just realize how blessed I am to have these opportunities. When I started doing this the family had 3 dogs, sadly two have passed. I feel bad leaving my family and dogs, but I know they can take care of themselves for a few days. Meanwhile, I am getting some much needed ME time, I can relax and do nothing, I can think without being interrupted, and I can be a little bit spoiled... a jetted bath, amazing coffees and teas, and really any sweets and treats I could possibly want! A super comfy bed and a quiet neighborhood.
I love these people, they are family and always will be. There is trust, respect, honesty... and love.
I will be here for 6 more days this time. My husband is miserable already, my dogs are probably confused- but they have the rest of the family. And the couple I am house and dog sitting for? They are off making memories with their oldest grandchild! Every opportunity to do that, has to be taken! And every chance I have to help them make that possible- I will.
In the beginning I was really uncomfortable coming here. No one has ever trusted me like this, no one has ever wanted me to stay in their home for an extended period- let alone ask me what they should fill the fridge with before they leave! It was difficult to settle in and make myself feel at home. But as time passed, I felt better about being here and believed in myself a little more... and now it really is my home away from home.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
random thoughts
Still bothered by the rough holiday, I fell apart last night when my daughter shared a post on her FB that said "I wish Santa was real, so the parents who can't afford Christmas could see their kids smile on Christmas morning." That killed me. I am trying so hard to just put this miserable holiday behind me and have a positive outlook on next year, and set goals and get things in motion to ensure next year is not a repeat of this year. Need to stop dwelling!
So here I sit, at my home away from home, for an entire week still! I have some amazing friends, who I truly think of as family, they invite me to stay and watch the house and keep the dog company when they travel. I do pretty much nothing but relax! I get a break my life and get to just escape and have some ME time. I miss my family and my dogs when I come down here, but they can survive without me.
Right now is a really good time for me to be away and have this time to myself. I have a lot of thinking to do, planning, goals and changes to make... to myself and my life- and ultimately my future and my family's future.
I woke up today and the temperature outside was 5... real feel was -4! so needless to say, this is an indoor mini vacation! When they go away in the summer, I like to sit outside, but this trip I'm curled up with a blanket and a dog on the fabulous sofa!
So as for my goals, I have to look at where i've been and where I want to be, I have to look at where my family is and how I want their future to turn out. Everything I do with my life- affects my entire family one way or another... my husband, my girls, my son in law and grand baby... and future grandbabies.
This past year was a huge step in reaching my goals- but in many ways I was pushed backward. Having my health improve like it has, is the biggest thing that could possibly happen for our future. I am so blessed that Thrive came into my life when it did, or I would not even be thinking about a future! My future as I saw it a year ago, was aging 10 years in the following year and not being able to do anything for myself or with my family. Thrive changed that... it took ten years off! And I am more active thatn I have been in a long time!
This upcoming year will for sure be one of many changes for me. I have the motivation and the desire to have a different life!
So here I sit, at my home away from home, for an entire week still! I have some amazing friends, who I truly think of as family, they invite me to stay and watch the house and keep the dog company when they travel. I do pretty much nothing but relax! I get a break my life and get to just escape and have some ME time. I miss my family and my dogs when I come down here, but they can survive without me.
Right now is a really good time for me to be away and have this time to myself. I have a lot of thinking to do, planning, goals and changes to make... to myself and my life- and ultimately my future and my family's future.
I woke up today and the temperature outside was 5... real feel was -4! so needless to say, this is an indoor mini vacation! When they go away in the summer, I like to sit outside, but this trip I'm curled up with a blanket and a dog on the fabulous sofa!
So as for my goals, I have to look at where i've been and where I want to be, I have to look at where my family is and how I want their future to turn out. Everything I do with my life- affects my entire family one way or another... my husband, my girls, my son in law and grand baby... and future grandbabies.
This past year was a huge step in reaching my goals- but in many ways I was pushed backward. Having my health improve like it has, is the biggest thing that could possibly happen for our future. I am so blessed that Thrive came into my life when it did, or I would not even be thinking about a future! My future as I saw it a year ago, was aging 10 years in the following year and not being able to do anything for myself or with my family. Thrive changed that... it took ten years off! And I am more active thatn I have been in a long time!
This upcoming year will for sure be one of many changes for me. I have the motivation and the desire to have a different life!
Friday, December 25, 2015
one more missed holiday
I lied... I thought I would do ok this Christmas. I was wrong. But my struggle this year was totally different than previous years.
For years I have had anger and hurt and every negative emotion about the holidays. As I mentioned previously- I have found peace with all that, which, by the way, feels amazing! I wasn't mad at anyone, I didn't have hurt feelings or memories that made me sad... all that is gone! It's an incredible feeling to be FREE of all that!
Last night I started feeling a little down, and today I fell apart a couple times. This was the first year that I actually WANTED to do Christmas... I looked forward to it for months- even bought ornaments last year! I was going to have a tree and decorate and wrap presents- I even wanted to cook a holiday dinner.
Then the closer it got, the more reality set in. That wasn't going to happen this year. None of it. I feel like I let my daughter down. I know, she doesn't expect these things from me, but she usually at least gets a gift... not this year.
No tree or decorations, no gift wrap- or even gifts, and no fancy family dinner. I probably shouldn't complain, this is what I have chosen for years. And at least I have what is important- my family, a home, a hot meal.
But I wanted it so badly. I wanted my family to have a Christmas they deserve. I have a son in law, and another daughter and grand daughter... I want my family to celebrate and make memories, create traditions, have family photos, and share our love.
If any of my family reads this, I am sorry, I failed. But I will fix it the best I can- hopefully with help from my husband, and we will have Christmas next year.
For years I have had anger and hurt and every negative emotion about the holidays. As I mentioned previously- I have found peace with all that, which, by the way, feels amazing! I wasn't mad at anyone, I didn't have hurt feelings or memories that made me sad... all that is gone! It's an incredible feeling to be FREE of all that!
Last night I started feeling a little down, and today I fell apart a couple times. This was the first year that I actually WANTED to do Christmas... I looked forward to it for months- even bought ornaments last year! I was going to have a tree and decorate and wrap presents- I even wanted to cook a holiday dinner.
Then the closer it got, the more reality set in. That wasn't going to happen this year. None of it. I feel like I let my daughter down. I know, she doesn't expect these things from me, but she usually at least gets a gift... not this year.
No tree or decorations, no gift wrap- or even gifts, and no fancy family dinner. I probably shouldn't complain, this is what I have chosen for years. And at least I have what is important- my family, a home, a hot meal.
But I wanted it so badly. I wanted my family to have a Christmas they deserve. I have a son in law, and another daughter and grand daughter... I want my family to celebrate and make memories, create traditions, have family photos, and share our love.
If any of my family reads this, I am sorry, I failed. But I will fix it the best I can- hopefully with help from my husband, and we will have Christmas next year.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Another Christmas
Another Christmas is here... strange feelings this time around, hard to put into words. I really struggle to enjoy the holidays, normally it is a time of depression and anger for me.
But not this year. I am far from excited and joyous, but I am more at peace this year than I can remember in a very long time. Altho things in my life are very difficult right now, I am seeing the blessings in my life and the positive future shining thru. I am beyond grateful for the friends and support I have. I am still just blown away about how much my health and attitude have improved since last year. I have things to truly look forward to in the coming year. I have an incredible family! A loving and hard working husband who puts up with my insane mood swings. the most wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. Her fiance, whom I am so proud to consider a part of our family. And the adopted daughter, who is a smile in the home always. I have my dogs who I can't imagine life without, as well.
Christmas this year is again without gifts or decorations, and yes- that saddens me. I really was hoping to be able to have the holiday spirit fill my home. But it hasn't destroyed my attitude. I am thankful for the things we have, I am thankful for the family my daughter has- the other side of her family that makes a big deal of celebrating the holidays and being together to make happy memories.
I have faith that one year soon I will find the holiday spirit, and the financial stability to decorate my home and fill it with everything Christmas!
But until then, I know my family is understanding, and most importantly I am at peace with my life and this holiday. I have finally gotten past the anger and hurt, past the painful memories. This is my life and I am living it with people who matter, people who love me.
Tomorrow will be spend quietly while the kids are off with other family. Afternoon will be dinner with my mother in law. Then I will be off to spend ten days alone... my ME time housesitting for some very special people. Time to reflect, decompress, plan for the new year, and probably- blog!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and whatever you may be celebrating this time of year.
But not this year. I am far from excited and joyous, but I am more at peace this year than I can remember in a very long time. Altho things in my life are very difficult right now, I am seeing the blessings in my life and the positive future shining thru. I am beyond grateful for the friends and support I have. I am still just blown away about how much my health and attitude have improved since last year. I have things to truly look forward to in the coming year. I have an incredible family! A loving and hard working husband who puts up with my insane mood swings. the most wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. Her fiance, whom I am so proud to consider a part of our family. And the adopted daughter, who is a smile in the home always. I have my dogs who I can't imagine life without, as well.
Christmas this year is again without gifts or decorations, and yes- that saddens me. I really was hoping to be able to have the holiday spirit fill my home. But it hasn't destroyed my attitude. I am thankful for the things we have, I am thankful for the family my daughter has- the other side of her family that makes a big deal of celebrating the holidays and being together to make happy memories.
I have faith that one year soon I will find the holiday spirit, and the financial stability to decorate my home and fill it with everything Christmas!
But until then, I know my family is understanding, and most importantly I am at peace with my life and this holiday. I have finally gotten past the anger and hurt, past the painful memories. This is my life and I am living it with people who matter, people who love me.
Tomorrow will be spend quietly while the kids are off with other family. Afternoon will be dinner with my mother in law. Then I will be off to spend ten days alone... my ME time housesitting for some very special people. Time to reflect, decompress, plan for the new year, and probably- blog!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and whatever you may be celebrating this time of year.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Just a Silly Rant
Times are hard these days for everyone. Not a day goes by that I see friends and acquaintances struggling to get by... living less than pay check to pay check, not able to provide much Christmas for their kids, living with friends or family to keep living expenses down... it is hard and it is sad to see these things. But it is unfortunately the reality of the times for many.
I have been there, I am there now. And I do absolutely everything I can to be sure I can afford to care for my family and provide the necessary things for us... a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. Thankfully my family is not big into gift giving and celebrating, and we all understand the situation. I scrimp and save and go without, I coupon and shop sales and put off wants for a very long time- sometimes until it is no longer a want!
What do I see in society? I see people complaining they have to live with friends, but I see them going out every weekend. I see them not able to afford to see a doctor, but can afford all the junk food and crap they spend on daily. Then my biggest issue, and probably the most financially irresponsible thing they could do... they complain about all of these things- not having a home of their own, not being able to have a Christmas, etc, etc... then sheer excitement and joy when they announce they are expecting another child! Really? you can't afford rent but you can afford a new baby? News alert*** condoms are cheaper than diapers! A new baby is a life long expense. Why do people do this? Get your finances on track before growing your family!
I feel bad for people who are in the situations I first mentioned, but once they make this kind of irresponsible decision... I have no sympathy and I will not support your choice to have a child, nor will I try to help you thru those rough times. There is a difference in falling on hard times and creating your own.
I love seeing families grow and thrive, I love seeing happy moms and dads and new babies. But be sure you are in a place in your life that it is possible! Your children are the ones who will suffer from you being stupid.
I don't care if you are married or single, there are a lot of single parents out there who are more capable of caring for a child than 2 parent homes!
When I had my daughter, I was married, we had our house and could afford our bills with enough money to spare for special occasions. I quickly learned how fast that can all change. I ended up raising my child as a single mother for the most part, struggling off and on. Living with family, going without so my daughter had what she needed... and I ALWAYS made sure there was no chance I would end up with another child before the time was right.
That is my rant for today, my apologies if I upset anyone, but I need to be honest- and I am not sorry for my opinion.
Happy Holidays to all who follow me.
I have been there, I am there now. And I do absolutely everything I can to be sure I can afford to care for my family and provide the necessary things for us... a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. Thankfully my family is not big into gift giving and celebrating, and we all understand the situation. I scrimp and save and go without, I coupon and shop sales and put off wants for a very long time- sometimes until it is no longer a want!
What do I see in society? I see people complaining they have to live with friends, but I see them going out every weekend. I see them not able to afford to see a doctor, but can afford all the junk food and crap they spend on daily. Then my biggest issue, and probably the most financially irresponsible thing they could do... they complain about all of these things- not having a home of their own, not being able to have a Christmas, etc, etc... then sheer excitement and joy when they announce they are expecting another child! Really? you can't afford rent but you can afford a new baby? News alert*** condoms are cheaper than diapers! A new baby is a life long expense. Why do people do this? Get your finances on track before growing your family!
I feel bad for people who are in the situations I first mentioned, but once they make this kind of irresponsible decision... I have no sympathy and I will not support your choice to have a child, nor will I try to help you thru those rough times. There is a difference in falling on hard times and creating your own.
I love seeing families grow and thrive, I love seeing happy moms and dads and new babies. But be sure you are in a place in your life that it is possible! Your children are the ones who will suffer from you being stupid.
I don't care if you are married or single, there are a lot of single parents out there who are more capable of caring for a child than 2 parent homes!
When I had my daughter, I was married, we had our house and could afford our bills with enough money to spare for special occasions. I quickly learned how fast that can all change. I ended up raising my child as a single mother for the most part, struggling off and on. Living with family, going without so my daughter had what she needed... and I ALWAYS made sure there was no chance I would end up with another child before the time was right.
That is my rant for today, my apologies if I upset anyone, but I need to be honest- and I am not sorry for my opinion.
Happy Holidays to all who follow me.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Asking for help, or even admitting I need help, I not easy for me. I have always been one to do everything I can to have what I need- and if I can't make the money- then I go without. That's how I was raised, that is how I believe things should be. My daughter always had what she needed, but not always what she wanted. I worked very hard to provide for her. There were times we went without some things we needed, and there were times we had everything plus!
Altho I feel I should have to go without if I can't afford things, there are others out there who I have always tried to help- the homeless, veterans, families in real need, etc.
This year has been very hard on my family financially. It has led to fights, talk of divorce, going without a number of things we need... and many many tears. Every time I think I am ready to swallow my pride and admit I need help, I look at my family and think- nope, we have a roof over our head, we have food in the fridge- we may not eat a healthy meal every night, but we do have food to eat daily. We have more than a lot of people do. And for that I am blessed. And continue my denial that we really do need help.
Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go to a friend and admit, just a little, of what we are dealing with. And thru the charity work she does and the organizations she works with, I was able to get some things for my kids and for my home to help out just a bit. Christmas doesn't happen in my house, not just because of how I feel about the materialistic aspect of what this holiday has become, but because we can't afford it. So it was really nice yesterday to be able to get an outfit for each of my girls, and a couple things for my grandbaby.
When we left this friends house I was an emotional mess... so extremely grateful for the help and kindness, ashamed for actually accepting help, embarrassed for needing and asking for the help. But so so very thankful for the people in my life who don't judge our situation, who are willing to help us when we truly need it.
Last month I kept dropping hints online about how desperately I wanted a waffle maker, that was all I wanted for my birthday/ anniversary/ Christmas... A couple weeks ago, my daughter walked out the door to go to work and there was a brand new waffle maker sitting on the door step that said Happy December to me. I bawled! I still have no idea who did this for me, but this little gesture meant so much to me. An inexpensive gift that will bring me years of joy... that my husband probably would not have been able to get for me.
I think we appear to be better off than we truly are, at least I like to think so. I got a brand new laptop a couple days ago... truth is, I didn't pay a dime for it. I returned a tablet that didn't work and was given store credit for my full purchase amount- which was enough to get a new laptop. We appear to eat out often, but never without coupons or everyone pitching in. The rare occasions we buy clothing, is when it is absolutely needed or on clearance or with birthday money... or all of the above! We do everything we can to save a few dimes here and there, but it still just doesn't keep us in the black.
It is scary to think things could get even worse, and I pray they don't! I am determined to do whatever it takes this year to make forward progress and not need help.
I see so many people who I personally don't feel are deserving of the help they want. They whine and complain constantly about their situation... my take on that is they are begging for someone to feel sorry for them. Then I see these people who can barely keep a roof over their heads getting excited to announce they are expecting another child! REALLY? We have honestly come close to losing our home this year, but we know where our priorities are... we aren't planning babies, we don't go to movies and blow $30+, we don't go drop $100 at the bar, we pay the bills. And what is left, we feed our family. How hard is that for people with small children to understand?
OK, kind of went off track there on my own rant. I just want people to understand that no matter how proud you are, it is ok to stop and ask for help. If you are truly doing everything you can and still not making ends meet, don't be ashamed to reach out to someone. But if you are living with friends or family because you can't afford a place of your own, and you go out on more date nights than you spend at home, and are expecting another baby... Stop! your financial suffering is your own fault! And please don't expect me to be the one to help you out!
As I said in the beginning, it is very hard for me to admit when I am in need, or struggling in any way. I don't like for others to see that under this outgoing attitude and positive person, is really someone who has feelings and pain and battles. I have always been the strong and proud one who can lift my friends out of their darkest hours. Writing this was very difficult, and yes, there are tears streaming down my face. But I needed to get this out there. I am not perfect, my family is not as well off as we appear... but what we do have is LOVE and SUPPORT for each other... and that, is worth more than anything! It may not keep a roof over our head, or food on our plates, but it keeps us strong enough to get thru these hard times. A year ago, I was contemplating suicide to escape where I am, where my family is... but where would that leave my family? where would that put my daughter? No one would be any better off if I had left this world. MY pain would have been gone... but I would have created so much more pain for my loved ones, on top of what they already are dealing with.
Accept the reality of your situations, own up to your responsibility for that situation, stop the things that make it worse, and do everything you can to make it better. And never be too proud to reach out.
I am so very grateful and blessed to have such amazing people in my life to make my fears and struggles just a little bit easier to accept.
Happy holidays, my friends.
Altho I feel I should have to go without if I can't afford things, there are others out there who I have always tried to help- the homeless, veterans, families in real need, etc.
This year has been very hard on my family financially. It has led to fights, talk of divorce, going without a number of things we need... and many many tears. Every time I think I am ready to swallow my pride and admit I need help, I look at my family and think- nope, we have a roof over our head, we have food in the fridge- we may not eat a healthy meal every night, but we do have food to eat daily. We have more than a lot of people do. And for that I am blessed. And continue my denial that we really do need help.
Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go to a friend and admit, just a little, of what we are dealing with. And thru the charity work she does and the organizations she works with, I was able to get some things for my kids and for my home to help out just a bit. Christmas doesn't happen in my house, not just because of how I feel about the materialistic aspect of what this holiday has become, but because we can't afford it. So it was really nice yesterday to be able to get an outfit for each of my girls, and a couple things for my grandbaby.
When we left this friends house I was an emotional mess... so extremely grateful for the help and kindness, ashamed for actually accepting help, embarrassed for needing and asking for the help. But so so very thankful for the people in my life who don't judge our situation, who are willing to help us when we truly need it.
Last month I kept dropping hints online about how desperately I wanted a waffle maker, that was all I wanted for my birthday/ anniversary/ Christmas... A couple weeks ago, my daughter walked out the door to go to work and there was a brand new waffle maker sitting on the door step that said Happy December to me. I bawled! I still have no idea who did this for me, but this little gesture meant so much to me. An inexpensive gift that will bring me years of joy... that my husband probably would not have been able to get for me.
I think we appear to be better off than we truly are, at least I like to think so. I got a brand new laptop a couple days ago... truth is, I didn't pay a dime for it. I returned a tablet that didn't work and was given store credit for my full purchase amount- which was enough to get a new laptop. We appear to eat out often, but never without coupons or everyone pitching in. The rare occasions we buy clothing, is when it is absolutely needed or on clearance or with birthday money... or all of the above! We do everything we can to save a few dimes here and there, but it still just doesn't keep us in the black.
It is scary to think things could get even worse, and I pray they don't! I am determined to do whatever it takes this year to make forward progress and not need help.
I see so many people who I personally don't feel are deserving of the help they want. They whine and complain constantly about their situation... my take on that is they are begging for someone to feel sorry for them. Then I see these people who can barely keep a roof over their heads getting excited to announce they are expecting another child! REALLY? We have honestly come close to losing our home this year, but we know where our priorities are... we aren't planning babies, we don't go to movies and blow $30+, we don't go drop $100 at the bar, we pay the bills. And what is left, we feed our family. How hard is that for people with small children to understand?
OK, kind of went off track there on my own rant. I just want people to understand that no matter how proud you are, it is ok to stop and ask for help. If you are truly doing everything you can and still not making ends meet, don't be ashamed to reach out to someone. But if you are living with friends or family because you can't afford a place of your own, and you go out on more date nights than you spend at home, and are expecting another baby... Stop! your financial suffering is your own fault! And please don't expect me to be the one to help you out!
As I said in the beginning, it is very hard for me to admit when I am in need, or struggling in any way. I don't like for others to see that under this outgoing attitude and positive person, is really someone who has feelings and pain and battles. I have always been the strong and proud one who can lift my friends out of their darkest hours. Writing this was very difficult, and yes, there are tears streaming down my face. But I needed to get this out there. I am not perfect, my family is not as well off as we appear... but what we do have is LOVE and SUPPORT for each other... and that, is worth more than anything! It may not keep a roof over our head, or food on our plates, but it keeps us strong enough to get thru these hard times. A year ago, I was contemplating suicide to escape where I am, where my family is... but where would that leave my family? where would that put my daughter? No one would be any better off if I had left this world. MY pain would have been gone... but I would have created so much more pain for my loved ones, on top of what they already are dealing with.
Accept the reality of your situations, own up to your responsibility for that situation, stop the things that make it worse, and do everything you can to make it better. And never be too proud to reach out.
I am so very grateful and blessed to have such amazing people in my life to make my fears and struggles just a little bit easier to accept.
Happy holidays, my friends.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Reflecting
When I was in prison I spent 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases behind bars. The first was only a month after my arrival, my birthday was only 3 weeks after getting there- I was not even to general population yet. 23 hour lockdown on my birthday. I was still terrified of what my future held in this place. Sad that my girls were not with me. Feeling 100% alone and sorry for myself! The anger was still there- anger for my husband (if I have to be in prison it should be for murdering him, right? not for something he did!) Angry at myself for being so blind and not recognizing what had happened to get me there. But most of what I felt was fear and self pity.
A few days after my birthday I was called to "roll up." I was being moved, my 30 days were up and I was going to the real world of prison- general population. By Christmas I was settled in to a cell, with a roomie who eventually became one of my dearest friends. The cell was almost 'homie', she had pictures on the walls, a gorgeous afghan on her top bunk... and she welcomed me with a smile. So she gave me the grand tour of our 6x10ish suite... I remember the last thing she showed me was our Christmas tree. She had created a tree by zigzagging green yard down the wall, and on the branches she had crocheted small ornaments. That made me smile, but the smile quickly broke into tears and uncontrolled sobbing! Was this what I had come to? A year ago I had the most amazing tree I had ever had in my life! With family and friends and... oh I was miserable over this! But each day, as I learned the routine of life there, and met a couple people- I was very afraid to be social! These were like killers and stuff, right? I'm better than that! Christmas came and I saw women exchanging gifts, there were cakes and treats made out of things that could be purchased thru the commissary, there was laughter and joy. I spent most of my day that day in my cell, still battling how I felt about where I was and how I was going to deal with it.
Fast forward one year... I knew when I was getting out of this place, I had friends, I had people who trusted me- I was even looked up to by many because I worked at the school teaching and was a literacy tutor. I found God by this time. I had my divorce done, I was... happy! My birthday was celebrated! Not just by me, my friends made me feel amazing! People made cards for me and I decorated my room with them (we really didn't call it a cell, it was out room, our suite- I mean, we were, after all, at Utah's finest gated community- so why not have a suite?)
Then came Christmas- our tree was even more fabulous than the previous year! We were allowed a party- they even brought in the television to have a movie night. A special dinner was prepared by the kitchen crew. I spent little time in my room that day, not when I was allowed to not be there! I had happiness to spread, people to cheer up as I had been cheered up a year before.
People wonder why I am not a big fan of the holidays anymore. Draper was a big reminder for me of what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Love, friendships, family... time. It's not about money and gifts and faking a smile to please that dysfunctional family! The best times ever are spent with people who don't judge, who have been in a similar situation, who have no expectations. Christmas isn't about a big tree or a meal that cost way too much and makes you miserable the rest of the day. It's not about opening gifts that you didn't really want in the first place.
As I have said before, you have no idea what true freedom is until you have had it taken from you. I am thankful to be another year older this week, to see another Christmas with my daughter (and husband and future son in law), but celebrating just isn't my thing. I would rather donate every dime spent on me for my birthday and Christmas to the prison library so they can get new books!
Thanx for reading my thoughts, I truly hope that at some point someone can find the help you are searching for thru my experiences and views. Love and Light.
A few days after my birthday I was called to "roll up." I was being moved, my 30 days were up and I was going to the real world of prison- general population. By Christmas I was settled in to a cell, with a roomie who eventually became one of my dearest friends. The cell was almost 'homie', she had pictures on the walls, a gorgeous afghan on her top bunk... and she welcomed me with a smile. So she gave me the grand tour of our 6x10ish suite... I remember the last thing she showed me was our Christmas tree. She had created a tree by zigzagging green yard down the wall, and on the branches she had crocheted small ornaments. That made me smile, but the smile quickly broke into tears and uncontrolled sobbing! Was this what I had come to? A year ago I had the most amazing tree I had ever had in my life! With family and friends and... oh I was miserable over this! But each day, as I learned the routine of life there, and met a couple people- I was very afraid to be social! These were like killers and stuff, right? I'm better than that! Christmas came and I saw women exchanging gifts, there were cakes and treats made out of things that could be purchased thru the commissary, there was laughter and joy. I spent most of my day that day in my cell, still battling how I felt about where I was and how I was going to deal with it.
Fast forward one year... I knew when I was getting out of this place, I had friends, I had people who trusted me- I was even looked up to by many because I worked at the school teaching and was a literacy tutor. I found God by this time. I had my divorce done, I was... happy! My birthday was celebrated! Not just by me, my friends made me feel amazing! People made cards for me and I decorated my room with them (we really didn't call it a cell, it was out room, our suite- I mean, we were, after all, at Utah's finest gated community- so why not have a suite?)
Then came Christmas- our tree was even more fabulous than the previous year! We were allowed a party- they even brought in the television to have a movie night. A special dinner was prepared by the kitchen crew. I spent little time in my room that day, not when I was allowed to not be there! I had happiness to spread, people to cheer up as I had been cheered up a year before.
People wonder why I am not a big fan of the holidays anymore. Draper was a big reminder for me of what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Love, friendships, family... time. It's not about money and gifts and faking a smile to please that dysfunctional family! The best times ever are spent with people who don't judge, who have been in a similar situation, who have no expectations. Christmas isn't about a big tree or a meal that cost way too much and makes you miserable the rest of the day. It's not about opening gifts that you didn't really want in the first place.
As I have said before, you have no idea what true freedom is until you have had it taken from you. I am thankful to be another year older this week, to see another Christmas with my daughter (and husband and future son in law), but celebrating just isn't my thing. I would rather donate every dime spent on me for my birthday and Christmas to the prison library so they can get new books!
Thanx for reading my thoughts, I truly hope that at some point someone can find the help you are searching for thru my experiences and views. Love and Light.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Family Closeness
Last week a member of my husbands family passed away. I had met her only a few times, but she always remembered me and asked about my health- always thought of others before her own troubles. She way so happy and full of life.
At the service yesterday it was amazing to me to see the love for this woman. Friends and family, coworkers and students- telling stories of her love and caring, funny stories and happy memories. Each of her children spoke- each cried and laughed...
Then as we left I saw her daughter completely break down. This is when I realized what a true family bond is really like. She collapsed in her dads arms- who was at his own breaking point, and cried "please don't ever leave me."
I have never had that type of relationship with my mother, that I would be in the state she was in. My family never had the bond this family has. My first thought was that I am glad I don't have that closeness- I don't want to ever feel that pain that I saw in her... But that is the way we are supposed to feel! The family bond, the relationship between a mother and her daughter- these are things that can't compare to anything, right?
My family was never really close like that. We didn't share emotions or feelings. Crying, showing love or sadness or true happiness- not things I grew up with. I have mixed feelings and opinions on that. I mean, there will be less pain when my parents do pass away, less emotions, less tears... if any. But I realize I missed out on so much!
When I was young, there were obvious differences between my mothers side of the family and my dads side. My mothers family was cold and pretty much emotionless. My dads family was once a very close and loving family, and the people in that family who I am still in contact with are still that way with their own families, but our big Smith family 'unit' is no longer.
I thought about what I would say if I spoke at each of my own parents funerals... I truly don't have any of those 'moments' with my mother. She was for the most part emotionless and cold. Not the mom most girls grow up with. My dad? well, everyone knows he was my best friend and mentor for years. I have a few of those 'moments', but still... nothing like what most people have.
If you have ever read "the dash", this reminds me of my dad. It isn't about the years you live, its about what you do during the time inbetween. My dad will be remembered by many with smiles and laughter. My mother? I don't know who will speak at her funeral. I can say it won't be me, and I won't be there to witness who does.
Back to my original thoughts... I feel I missed out as a child, as a young adult, and even know. My family is/was nothing like the family I am trying to have with my daughter. Nothing like the closeness my husband has with his family- altho he and his brother are not real close, mom holds the family close and cherishes every one of us. And I know how much my husband misses his dad.
I think I am lucky to live in a place where family is so important. Families stay close. My husband has so many aunts, uncles, cousins... and most of them stay in touch! Not directly calling and getting together, but family get togethers happen a couple times a year, and everyone keeps up on each other thru social media. I love that! I feel lucky to be a part of such an incredible family! I think every family member was at the service to show their love and support for Troys cousin and his kids, no matter what! They took the time off work, they traveled from out of state- they are FAMILY defined.
McCann clan- thank you for giving me back my faith in family.
At the service yesterday it was amazing to me to see the love for this woman. Friends and family, coworkers and students- telling stories of her love and caring, funny stories and happy memories. Each of her children spoke- each cried and laughed...
Then as we left I saw her daughter completely break down. This is when I realized what a true family bond is really like. She collapsed in her dads arms- who was at his own breaking point, and cried "please don't ever leave me."
I have never had that type of relationship with my mother, that I would be in the state she was in. My family never had the bond this family has. My first thought was that I am glad I don't have that closeness- I don't want to ever feel that pain that I saw in her... But that is the way we are supposed to feel! The family bond, the relationship between a mother and her daughter- these are things that can't compare to anything, right?
My family was never really close like that. We didn't share emotions or feelings. Crying, showing love or sadness or true happiness- not things I grew up with. I have mixed feelings and opinions on that. I mean, there will be less pain when my parents do pass away, less emotions, less tears... if any. But I realize I missed out on so much!
When I was young, there were obvious differences between my mothers side of the family and my dads side. My mothers family was cold and pretty much emotionless. My dads family was once a very close and loving family, and the people in that family who I am still in contact with are still that way with their own families, but our big Smith family 'unit' is no longer.
I thought about what I would say if I spoke at each of my own parents funerals... I truly don't have any of those 'moments' with my mother. She was for the most part emotionless and cold. Not the mom most girls grow up with. My dad? well, everyone knows he was my best friend and mentor for years. I have a few of those 'moments', but still... nothing like what most people have.
If you have ever read "the dash", this reminds me of my dad. It isn't about the years you live, its about what you do during the time inbetween. My dad will be remembered by many with smiles and laughter. My mother? I don't know who will speak at her funeral. I can say it won't be me, and I won't be there to witness who does.
Back to my original thoughts... I feel I missed out as a child, as a young adult, and even know. My family is/was nothing like the family I am trying to have with my daughter. Nothing like the closeness my husband has with his family- altho he and his brother are not real close, mom holds the family close and cherishes every one of us. And I know how much my husband misses his dad.
I think I am lucky to live in a place where family is so important. Families stay close. My husband has so many aunts, uncles, cousins... and most of them stay in touch! Not directly calling and getting together, but family get togethers happen a couple times a year, and everyone keeps up on each other thru social media. I love that! I feel lucky to be a part of such an incredible family! I think every family member was at the service to show their love and support for Troys cousin and his kids, no matter what! They took the time off work, they traveled from out of state- they are FAMILY defined.
McCann clan- thank you for giving me back my faith in family.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
November 18... the day that broke me
Ten years ago, November 18, 2005... it was a Friday. After months of what in my mind was hell- I learned what hell truly was. I sat in the courtroom for what seemed like hours- thinking of my daughter who was in foster care, and my other daughter whose dad had taken her from my life. I was thinking about where I was going for lunch. I was thinking about all the stuff I had been thru since March that brought me to where I was that day...
I heard my name, my attorney motioned for me to join him at this little podium in front of the judge. I handed my phone and my wallet to my best friend and brother, gave my boyfriend a peck, and went to stand at my lawyers side. No big deal, I read the pre-sentence report, my lawyer explained what is going to happen... I make my plea, I say yes your honor and no sir and be really polite, then it's done, he tells me a sentence, and I go to lunch.
Nope! That judge tore me down to nothing. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to feel any more like a failure as a parent or a person than I already did, I didn't think anyone could make me feel more guilt than I already had. I was a mess. In my head just begging him to tell me the sentence so I could leave that room, leave that court, and leave that chapter of my life behind me- moving forward to fix what I had been a part of destroying, rebuild my family with the pieces we had left- and make it stronger. I listened, with teats running down my face for what seemed to be forever... and then he was ready to announce my sentence.
First reaction- he was wrong! Didn't he see the pre sentence recommendation? I collapsed, this wasn't happening to me!!! Then this officer comes and puts handcuffs on me and takes me thru a door. What the hell was happening? How was this happening? Wait... I need my lawyer! No. But what happens now? I need my meds. I need... omg my meds! After a half hour- when I finally started to breathe and calm down a bit, the officer came to me. He could see how freaked out I was, I was not the typical female heading off to prison. He asked about my meds, then agreed to put the cuffs in front rather than behind my back. He explained I would be transported to the jail for a few days and they would make sure I got my medications, then I would be transferred to the prison a few days later.
I was so scared. So confused. So lost. I sat in a holding cell for ?? hours, freezing and trying to figure out what went so wrong. I was finally taken in a van with 3 other women to the jail. I had done a 'book and release' a few months prior when charges were originally filed, so apparently my intake process was very short. Another holding cell for a while, then I got sent to a unit, and a cell.
So much confusion and fear. All these women around me were like real criminals! Or junkies. I was terrified. I needed to talk to someone- anyone! I called my parents... "don't they have a phone you can call me from that doesn't charge me for a collect call?" Yes, that is what I got from my mother. Screw this, I'm on my own.
This first night in jail... I was terrified I wouldn't get my meds, I was so freaked out about having a seizure there! I was scared of these girls who were going thru withdrawls- I new nothing about that. I would see someone walk by and wonder why she was there. I spent most of that first night in my cell, hiding from the reality I was in.
That was the beginning of a very long 5 days in jail, followed by 15 months of prison. The most eye opening, educational experience of my life... and for that I am thankful. But that day... November 18... ten years ago... it truly broke me. Every part of the day just broke me down more and more... each new experience that day- was a new life experience. Each time I felt I couldn't be broken any more- I got shattered.
A year prior to this I was at the top of my life! I had my home, my 2 children, my pets, I was making more money than I ever imagined I could- and it was all home based so I could be a mom. And this night I laid curled in a ball crying, on an uncomfortable bed, freezing, locked in a small room with some girl I thought was dying- turns out she was coming down off heroin, but I had no idea at the time.
Life can change in an instant. Even without you knowing what happened. I do my best to live every day to its fullest, I find the best in every situation and every person I encounter. I try so hard to put the past behind me and live for today- and what I am learning- to live for tomorrow. Last year I did a little better than years past, but it has been ten years. Ten years since I lost my children, since I lost my careers, ten years since I learned who really loves me and who are the judgemental ones.
Ten years since I lost my freedom? NO! That was what I thought for a very long time, but it actually is not at all how I see it today. That, tho, is subject for another post.
Thank you, for taking time to read my thoughts and stories... it helps me so much to have a place to release these things.
I heard my name, my attorney motioned for me to join him at this little podium in front of the judge. I handed my phone and my wallet to my best friend and brother, gave my boyfriend a peck, and went to stand at my lawyers side. No big deal, I read the pre-sentence report, my lawyer explained what is going to happen... I make my plea, I say yes your honor and no sir and be really polite, then it's done, he tells me a sentence, and I go to lunch.
Nope! That judge tore me down to nothing. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to feel any more like a failure as a parent or a person than I already did, I didn't think anyone could make me feel more guilt than I already had. I was a mess. In my head just begging him to tell me the sentence so I could leave that room, leave that court, and leave that chapter of my life behind me- moving forward to fix what I had been a part of destroying, rebuild my family with the pieces we had left- and make it stronger. I listened, with teats running down my face for what seemed to be forever... and then he was ready to announce my sentence.
First reaction- he was wrong! Didn't he see the pre sentence recommendation? I collapsed, this wasn't happening to me!!! Then this officer comes and puts handcuffs on me and takes me thru a door. What the hell was happening? How was this happening? Wait... I need my lawyer! No. But what happens now? I need my meds. I need... omg my meds! After a half hour- when I finally started to breathe and calm down a bit, the officer came to me. He could see how freaked out I was, I was not the typical female heading off to prison. He asked about my meds, then agreed to put the cuffs in front rather than behind my back. He explained I would be transported to the jail for a few days and they would make sure I got my medications, then I would be transferred to the prison a few days later.
I was so scared. So confused. So lost. I sat in a holding cell for ?? hours, freezing and trying to figure out what went so wrong. I was finally taken in a van with 3 other women to the jail. I had done a 'book and release' a few months prior when charges were originally filed, so apparently my intake process was very short. Another holding cell for a while, then I got sent to a unit, and a cell.
So much confusion and fear. All these women around me were like real criminals! Or junkies. I was terrified. I needed to talk to someone- anyone! I called my parents... "don't they have a phone you can call me from that doesn't charge me for a collect call?" Yes, that is what I got from my mother. Screw this, I'm on my own.
This first night in jail... I was terrified I wouldn't get my meds, I was so freaked out about having a seizure there! I was scared of these girls who were going thru withdrawls- I new nothing about that. I would see someone walk by and wonder why she was there. I spent most of that first night in my cell, hiding from the reality I was in.
That was the beginning of a very long 5 days in jail, followed by 15 months of prison. The most eye opening, educational experience of my life... and for that I am thankful. But that day... November 18... ten years ago... it truly broke me. Every part of the day just broke me down more and more... each new experience that day- was a new life experience. Each time I felt I couldn't be broken any more- I got shattered.
A year prior to this I was at the top of my life! I had my home, my 2 children, my pets, I was making more money than I ever imagined I could- and it was all home based so I could be a mom. And this night I laid curled in a ball crying, on an uncomfortable bed, freezing, locked in a small room with some girl I thought was dying- turns out she was coming down off heroin, but I had no idea at the time.
Life can change in an instant. Even without you knowing what happened. I do my best to live every day to its fullest, I find the best in every situation and every person I encounter. I try so hard to put the past behind me and live for today- and what I am learning- to live for tomorrow. Last year I did a little better than years past, but it has been ten years. Ten years since I lost my children, since I lost my careers, ten years since I learned who really loves me and who are the judgemental ones.
Ten years since I lost my freedom? NO! That was what I thought for a very long time, but it actually is not at all how I see it today. That, tho, is subject for another post.
Thank you, for taking time to read my thoughts and stories... it helps me so much to have a place to release these things.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Attitude
As I watch everything going on in the world, I sit back and realize I have more important things to focus my energy on. Whether it is a Starbucks cup or a terrorist attack in France... I personally cant change it, and honestly, my problems are bigger to me than these kind of things.
I sit here watching my life as I've known it, fall apart a little bit more every day. I keep the best possible attitude I can, but behind the screen of my tablet- I am filled with sadness and fear. My positive attitude processes ideas and things I want to do to change this, but there are real things stopping me. But I know once I get past these road blocks- there will be no stopping me! I have goals, I have dreams... nothing and no one will stop that!
I believe in myself not because I matter, but because of my why... My daughter is my life. Everything I do, is with her in mind. People are selfish, but when you become a mother, and have to fight for that child to have what she needs- not what she wants, you learn what sacrifice really is. Not everyone in my life gets this. Yes, I will do whatever I have to do, to be sure my kids have a roof over their heads, and food on their plates. If a person can't or won't put their kids needs ahead of their own, they have no business being a parent.
As I have mentioned, this is a miserable depressing month for me, but I am staying positive that I can find some good. I'm playing a waiting game with doctors and facing life changing surgery... my attitude is what is getting me thru these things. I have so much I want and need to do- for myself, for my daughter... but I can't do a thing until after the waiting, after the surgery. But the outlook for my future is amazing! I am maintaining an incredible attitude because of that.
Tears every day- yes. wanting to run away from home- yes. wishing things were different- yes!
I feel so alone.
I sit here watching my life as I've known it, fall apart a little bit more every day. I keep the best possible attitude I can, but behind the screen of my tablet- I am filled with sadness and fear. My positive attitude processes ideas and things I want to do to change this, but there are real things stopping me. But I know once I get past these road blocks- there will be no stopping me! I have goals, I have dreams... nothing and no one will stop that!
I believe in myself not because I matter, but because of my why... My daughter is my life. Everything I do, is with her in mind. People are selfish, but when you become a mother, and have to fight for that child to have what she needs- not what she wants, you learn what sacrifice really is. Not everyone in my life gets this. Yes, I will do whatever I have to do, to be sure my kids have a roof over their heads, and food on their plates. If a person can't or won't put their kids needs ahead of their own, they have no business being a parent.
As I have mentioned, this is a miserable depressing month for me, but I am staying positive that I can find some good. I'm playing a waiting game with doctors and facing life changing surgery... my attitude is what is getting me thru these things. I have so much I want and need to do- for myself, for my daughter... but I can't do a thing until after the waiting, after the surgery. But the outlook for my future is amazing! I am maintaining an incredible attitude because of that.
Tears every day- yes. wanting to run away from home- yes. wishing things were different- yes!
I feel so alone.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Answers...
Today I saw my doctor, I recently had some tests done- tests I have had dozens of times over the past 30 years. Never any answers, never a why. So I went into today not expecting any answers. What came next was shocking... the MRI actually showed something. Then we talked about it, and so much came back. I am still trying to process everything said, and the things going thru my head today...
I remember the night so well. I was 12, it was November (yes, more reason to love this month!). I was with my parents traveling to Arizona, grandmas house for Thanksgiving. It was late, we left Salt Lake in the afternoon and had just crossed into Arizona. The weather was off and on snowing. I remember my mother complaining about the way dad was driving... too fast considering it was so dark... but we were on dry roads and we were all so tired- we just wanted to get to Grandmas where it was warm and safe. I was sleepy, I laid down in the back seat, my head on the drivers side. I don't know how long I had been asleep, but I remember what woke me. My mother screamed, the car stopped- like we hit something, then my head got slammed thru the back door. Things are a bit fuzzyas far as the time line. I remember my mother was screaming and freaking out, I saw blood on her face. Dad was trying to calm her down and get her to get out of the car... he couldn't get his door open and needed to get to me. I felt blood, or maybe rain... probably both. the window above my head was shattered, dad told me not to move but was asking me to talk to him. I remember dad starting the car and telling mom to get in... next thing I remember was waking up at grandmas. My aunt and mom were picking glass out of my hair, my back and my head hurt a lot, but Thanksgiving went on as planned. When I looked at the car, a VW Rabbit, the hood looked like someone had taken a prybar to the front to open it, and there was a tear in the metal. the entire driver side was smashed in, the mirror was gone. I remember trying to figure out what happened to me and I looked in the back seat... the door, pretty much the entire side of the car, had been smashed in more than 4 inches... I fell asleep with a jacket against the door to cushion my head- I was against that door.
So what was it? we came across a deer or elk or something, elk probably, that believed it was bigger than our car. He stood his ground to take us on~ my dads version of what he saw! We hit the animal head on, the antlers caught in the hood and his body swung around and slammed the side of the car.
I was never seen by a doctor, but I was hurt. I had a concussion, and I remember weeks of pulling bits of glass out of my head! I'm pretty sure all three of us should have gone to an emergency room, but I was raised by a mother who believed if you aren't dying- you don't need a doctor.
About 2 years after that is when my seizures started. My first neurologist asked if I had ever had a traumatic experience during the time frame of when the seizures started- but I never thought about that accident, it never came up.
So fast forward to today. My MRI shows scar tissue on my left temporal lobe. He asked if I had any head injuries. That is when it finally clicked about the accident. Asked if there was anything else... well, the abusive first marriage- but that was 5 years after the seizures started. He wrote it down in my file, that was weird.
So we discussed how this happens, the new medications, and the possibility of further treatment. Surgery. Not the VNS, but brain surgery. I'm so freaked out about that!
I walked out of the doctors office holding tight to Troys hand, staring off, confused, overwhelmed, happy, scared, tears streaming down my face. So many thoughts to process. Happy and shocked to have answers after all these years, upset that I didn't put these things together years ago, was this my dads fault? Scared about the idea of surgery, yet, excited about the possibility of never having another seizure ever again! Would it have stopped eventually if I had never married my first husband? I'm still processing.
Thank God I have friends I can turn to. My best friend got a text from me before we even left the parking lot. He is supportive and happy for me that I finally got answers, and he supports the surgery option- I trust his input on things like this. Also a friend who is an RN and a mother of a son with severe seizure disorder. I texted her with my results, and she called. She was able to explain some medical stuff in terms that I could understand. She helped me understand why the abuse is relevant, she explained how these surgeries go... she really did help put my mind at ease a bit.
I had to explain this to my daughter. I wanted to talk to one person about it all, but I had to wipe away the tears and pain on a smile... I had a wedding to go to, and my issues were not going to interfere with my friends daughters big day!
I know this is going to take a while for me to get thru. The decision to have or not to have surgery is not an easy one.
But for now... I am happy to have answers! I am thankful there is a way to treat it permanently. I am grateful for modern technology making this finally appear after years of 'normal' results. I am seeing a light that I never thought I would see! How amazing would it be if I could really go out and do some of those things on my bucket list without fear of having a seizure and killing myself!
Ya know what? LIFE IS AMAZING!
I remember the night so well. I was 12, it was November (yes, more reason to love this month!). I was with my parents traveling to Arizona, grandmas house for Thanksgiving. It was late, we left Salt Lake in the afternoon and had just crossed into Arizona. The weather was off and on snowing. I remember my mother complaining about the way dad was driving... too fast considering it was so dark... but we were on dry roads and we were all so tired- we just wanted to get to Grandmas where it was warm and safe. I was sleepy, I laid down in the back seat, my head on the drivers side. I don't know how long I had been asleep, but I remember what woke me. My mother screamed, the car stopped- like we hit something, then my head got slammed thru the back door. Things are a bit fuzzyas far as the time line. I remember my mother was screaming and freaking out, I saw blood on her face. Dad was trying to calm her down and get her to get out of the car... he couldn't get his door open and needed to get to me. I felt blood, or maybe rain... probably both. the window above my head was shattered, dad told me not to move but was asking me to talk to him. I remember dad starting the car and telling mom to get in... next thing I remember was waking up at grandmas. My aunt and mom were picking glass out of my hair, my back and my head hurt a lot, but Thanksgiving went on as planned. When I looked at the car, a VW Rabbit, the hood looked like someone had taken a prybar to the front to open it, and there was a tear in the metal. the entire driver side was smashed in, the mirror was gone. I remember trying to figure out what happened to me and I looked in the back seat... the door, pretty much the entire side of the car, had been smashed in more than 4 inches... I fell asleep with a jacket against the door to cushion my head- I was against that door.
So what was it? we came across a deer or elk or something, elk probably, that believed it was bigger than our car. He stood his ground to take us on~ my dads version of what he saw! We hit the animal head on, the antlers caught in the hood and his body swung around and slammed the side of the car.
I was never seen by a doctor, but I was hurt. I had a concussion, and I remember weeks of pulling bits of glass out of my head! I'm pretty sure all three of us should have gone to an emergency room, but I was raised by a mother who believed if you aren't dying- you don't need a doctor.
About 2 years after that is when my seizures started. My first neurologist asked if I had ever had a traumatic experience during the time frame of when the seizures started- but I never thought about that accident, it never came up.
So fast forward to today. My MRI shows scar tissue on my left temporal lobe. He asked if I had any head injuries. That is when it finally clicked about the accident. Asked if there was anything else... well, the abusive first marriage- but that was 5 years after the seizures started. He wrote it down in my file, that was weird.
So we discussed how this happens, the new medications, and the possibility of further treatment. Surgery. Not the VNS, but brain surgery. I'm so freaked out about that!
I walked out of the doctors office holding tight to Troys hand, staring off, confused, overwhelmed, happy, scared, tears streaming down my face. So many thoughts to process. Happy and shocked to have answers after all these years, upset that I didn't put these things together years ago, was this my dads fault? Scared about the idea of surgery, yet, excited about the possibility of never having another seizure ever again! Would it have stopped eventually if I had never married my first husband? I'm still processing.
Thank God I have friends I can turn to. My best friend got a text from me before we even left the parking lot. He is supportive and happy for me that I finally got answers, and he supports the surgery option- I trust his input on things like this. Also a friend who is an RN and a mother of a son with severe seizure disorder. I texted her with my results, and she called. She was able to explain some medical stuff in terms that I could understand. She helped me understand why the abuse is relevant, she explained how these surgeries go... she really did help put my mind at ease a bit.
I had to explain this to my daughter. I wanted to talk to one person about it all, but I had to wipe away the tears and pain on a smile... I had a wedding to go to, and my issues were not going to interfere with my friends daughters big day!
I know this is going to take a while for me to get thru. The decision to have or not to have surgery is not an easy one.
But for now... I am happy to have answers! I am thankful there is a way to treat it permanently. I am grateful for modern technology making this finally appear after years of 'normal' results. I am seeing a light that I never thought I would see! How amazing would it be if I could really go out and do some of those things on my bucket list without fear of having a seizure and killing myself!
Ya know what? LIFE IS AMAZING!
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Wake Me Up When November Ends
November is so many things to me! One thing is Epilepsy Awareness month. When I was 14ish, I started having seizures. But I had no idea at the time, what was happening. It wasn't until I was 17, about to be a senior in high school, that I finally had a seizure in front of someone... a lot of someones, actually! I was in a grocery store on a Friday afternoon. I was taken to a hospital via ambulance, and was finally diagnosed. I had no idea what epilepsy was, why it was happening to me, what it meant for my future- my life! I had a lot to learn! And for years to follow, I continued to learn more about this disease. And the fact that it was such a taboo subject for the rest of society... people had no idea what it was, people made fun of others who had seizures. I was scared to tell people I suffered from it. I've come a long way since then. Today it is one of the first things I tell people about myself, I educate my friends on what to do if I have a seizure, and I help others understand what it is like to live with epilepsy and to experience a seizure. Epilepsy awareness is important to me.
November also represents a time of family loss. Not just death, but loss of what once was. November was the last time I saw my grandfather before he passed in December. It is also the last time I saw my favorite uncle before his heart attack that put him on life support, ultimately ending his life on Christmas day. (the family joked that I was no longer allowed at family gatherings at that point, because someone always dies after I visit.) That was the last year my family was truly a family. True colors started to show thru, the troubles we hid behind fake smiles- finally broke free... We all have dysfunctional families, but my family chose to all go separate ways for the most part. I have some incredible memories of Thanksgiving with family as a child, and that last year prior to my dads brother passing when my entire family was here, together. They are good but painful memories. November was the last time I saw my youngest daughter, it has been ten years since I have seen her. I hold on the fact that one day I will be reunited with her and we can build some kind of relationship, friendship... but for now her smile is in my eyes when I close them.
November- the month I was sentenced to spend time in prison, I spent 4 days in jail, and was transferred to the prison 2 days prior to Thanksgiving. I didn't eat for days! Have you seen prison food? They brought us our 'holiday meal' and I fell apart! I swore I would never eat another Thanksgiving feast again.
November is also the month a dear friend who suffered from PTSD took the life of his girlfriend and then his own life. As I mourned this loss, I heard 2 things about this incident... first- he was a drunk, abusive man who murdered a 911 operator. second- from friends, I could be the one he killed, I should be glad I got away from him. Why do I still struggle with this loss? Nobody understood him, no one recognized he suffered every day. He drank because he was fighting so many demons from HIS past. That woman he killed, no, she didn't deserve that, but no one acknowledged the fact that she was the abusive one in the relationship. He was not given a military funeral, he was treated as a murderer- not a combat hero.
So yes, I very much dislike the month of November, I dread Thanksgiving! But every year I find a way to push thru it, I fall apart multiple times a week but find the strength to lift myself up and keep pushing. I have a wonderful husband, he may not understand everything I go thru, but he is supportive and does whatever he can to help me smile and get thru it all. I have my daughter, my reason for continuing! Her smile can change my entire day, her hug can remind me that we are a family and we get thru it all together. This year I have more to be thankful for, I have my health back, and an incredible new circle of friends who are so positive and motivating and supportive. I have things to look forward to, life is changing for the better. My daughter will be married by this time next year, and that is the start of a new family for me to build new traditions around!
We all have struggles, we all have difficult periods that bring emotions flooding back... don't bury that and destroy yourself from the inside out... let those emotions flow, talk to someone, whatever helps you deal with it all! I know there are thousands of people out there with more difficult times than mine, and I pray for those people to find some peace and happiness. I do a pretty good job at putting the past in the past, but once in a while- like this time of the year, it does become overwhelming.
November also represents a time of family loss. Not just death, but loss of what once was. November was the last time I saw my grandfather before he passed in December. It is also the last time I saw my favorite uncle before his heart attack that put him on life support, ultimately ending his life on Christmas day. (the family joked that I was no longer allowed at family gatherings at that point, because someone always dies after I visit.) That was the last year my family was truly a family. True colors started to show thru, the troubles we hid behind fake smiles- finally broke free... We all have dysfunctional families, but my family chose to all go separate ways for the most part. I have some incredible memories of Thanksgiving with family as a child, and that last year prior to my dads brother passing when my entire family was here, together. They are good but painful memories. November was the last time I saw my youngest daughter, it has been ten years since I have seen her. I hold on the fact that one day I will be reunited with her and we can build some kind of relationship, friendship... but for now her smile is in my eyes when I close them.
November- the month I was sentenced to spend time in prison, I spent 4 days in jail, and was transferred to the prison 2 days prior to Thanksgiving. I didn't eat for days! Have you seen prison food? They brought us our 'holiday meal' and I fell apart! I swore I would never eat another Thanksgiving feast again.
November is also the month a dear friend who suffered from PTSD took the life of his girlfriend and then his own life. As I mourned this loss, I heard 2 things about this incident... first- he was a drunk, abusive man who murdered a 911 operator. second- from friends, I could be the one he killed, I should be glad I got away from him. Why do I still struggle with this loss? Nobody understood him, no one recognized he suffered every day. He drank because he was fighting so many demons from HIS past. That woman he killed, no, she didn't deserve that, but no one acknowledged the fact that she was the abusive one in the relationship. He was not given a military funeral, he was treated as a murderer- not a combat hero.
So yes, I very much dislike the month of November, I dread Thanksgiving! But every year I find a way to push thru it, I fall apart multiple times a week but find the strength to lift myself up and keep pushing. I have a wonderful husband, he may not understand everything I go thru, but he is supportive and does whatever he can to help me smile and get thru it all. I have my daughter, my reason for continuing! Her smile can change my entire day, her hug can remind me that we are a family and we get thru it all together. This year I have more to be thankful for, I have my health back, and an incredible new circle of friends who are so positive and motivating and supportive. I have things to look forward to, life is changing for the better. My daughter will be married by this time next year, and that is the start of a new family for me to build new traditions around!
We all have struggles, we all have difficult periods that bring emotions flooding back... don't bury that and destroy yourself from the inside out... let those emotions flow, talk to someone, whatever helps you deal with it all! I know there are thousands of people out there with more difficult times than mine, and I pray for those people to find some peace and happiness. I do a pretty good job at putting the past in the past, but once in a while- like this time of the year, it does become overwhelming.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
A Reminder of my Why
When I started blogging, it was my plan to help people thru my stories and experiences. I still do this, but it has turned into more of just a personal thoughts page, a place to clear my mind. But last night I was given a reminder.
I had posted something about my seizures on my Facebook page, a friend commented and we took it to a private chat for quite a long time. Her sister in law just this week, had her first ever seizure- in her mid 30s. She is lost and confused and scared, as is the entire family! I did what I could to give some advice for the family, as well as the sister in law.
I have lived with epilepsy for over 30 years. My family and friends have lived with it, they have had to learn what to do, how to react. My daughter has been at my side since she was born experiencing all of it with me. I have experienced various types of seizures, ranging from grand mal that put me unconscious followed by 3 day recovery time, to 10 second absence seizures that most people don't even notice I have! I have had periods of my life where I had monthly seizures, I've had periods where I have gone up to years with none! and the past couple years, I was having so many each day I lost count. I had a stroke caused by a seizure, I've had many injuries caused by falling, hitting furniture, etc.
So why don't I talk about it more? Why don't I use my experiences with this disease to help others who are trying to deal with it?
I have opened up and talked about prison and abuse and some health issues, but my epilepsy seems difficult for me to talk about. But chatting with Chelsea last night was an ah-ha moment for me! She was truly appreciative of me talking to her, and offering to talk to her brother and sister in law! I've never really felt that... need, from anyone when it came to this part of my life. I have always felt my condition, or disease, or whatever people choose to call it, was a burden on others- so who would really want to hear about it?
Really, I so often feel like I am a burden. I no longer drive, so I have to find a ride anywhere I want to go. I don't even walk places by myself, my daughter worries about me more than anyone! She hates to even leave me home alone.
I started this over a week ago, my tablet froze up, and I was unable to finish! Now I don't remember what all I was wanting to say... so I will just wrap it up with this...
I share my experiences, I reach out to others who are struggling, in hopes I can make a difference. If I am not willing to help others, what is the purpose of my struggles?
I had posted something about my seizures on my Facebook page, a friend commented and we took it to a private chat for quite a long time. Her sister in law just this week, had her first ever seizure- in her mid 30s. She is lost and confused and scared, as is the entire family! I did what I could to give some advice for the family, as well as the sister in law.
I have lived with epilepsy for over 30 years. My family and friends have lived with it, they have had to learn what to do, how to react. My daughter has been at my side since she was born experiencing all of it with me. I have experienced various types of seizures, ranging from grand mal that put me unconscious followed by 3 day recovery time, to 10 second absence seizures that most people don't even notice I have! I have had periods of my life where I had monthly seizures, I've had periods where I have gone up to years with none! and the past couple years, I was having so many each day I lost count. I had a stroke caused by a seizure, I've had many injuries caused by falling, hitting furniture, etc.
So why don't I talk about it more? Why don't I use my experiences with this disease to help others who are trying to deal with it?
I have opened up and talked about prison and abuse and some health issues, but my epilepsy seems difficult for me to talk about. But chatting with Chelsea last night was an ah-ha moment for me! She was truly appreciative of me talking to her, and offering to talk to her brother and sister in law! I've never really felt that... need, from anyone when it came to this part of my life. I have always felt my condition, or disease, or whatever people choose to call it, was a burden on others- so who would really want to hear about it?
Really, I so often feel like I am a burden. I no longer drive, so I have to find a ride anywhere I want to go. I don't even walk places by myself, my daughter worries about me more than anyone! She hates to even leave me home alone.
I started this over a week ago, my tablet froze up, and I was unable to finish! Now I don't remember what all I was wanting to say... so I will just wrap it up with this...
I share my experiences, I reach out to others who are struggling, in hopes I can make a difference. If I am not willing to help others, what is the purpose of my struggles?
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
A Few Extra $$$
Every Tuesday for the past few months I have anxiously awaited looking at my deposit from Le-Vel. I am not making a ton of money at this point, but every few bucks helps! 5 years ago we were a 2 income family, with both of us making about the same amount before bonuses... then we were suddenly a one income family, our income cut in half! That hurts. It took over 2 years for my disability to go thru, which isn't even remotely close to what I was making! This is one of the reasons I decided to become a promoter for this company. My first commission check was $7.43... I know, that doesn't even buy lunch at McDonalds! But then I started getting bigger checks, and right now they vary depending on the week- anywhere from like $30 to $150... each week, not month! And now my husband is doing the same thing. His first commission came in today... I was so excited to see the amount! Way more than my first one! So between us we can now really make a dent in our future- just with what we are accomplishing with this business.
$50 a week... put it in savings for vacation or a home, or pay down your debt each week? A nice date night every week? Or maybe a new pair of shoes? There is a lot that can be done with that money! So what if ... a month or two from now that wil be double for each of us! And the harder we work for what we want, the faster we will reach those goals! What if you had an extra $50 a week? or $200 a week??
A lot of people roll their eyes at me when I tell them that I do this... really? Don't tell me you can't see the changes in me and my health since I started using these products! Why wouldn't I promote something that has honestly saved my life? I will tell everyone about it if I have the chance! And I can get paid for just telling people how it has helped me? Pretty easy way to make money! My goal is not to be a millionaire, my goal is to be healthy, and help others feel as good as I do. The benefit is that I have a little extra money. My goals do include being out of debt, I think everyone shoots for that! And being able to buy a new pair of boots if I see some I love! I want to be able to have breathing room with my budget... but I don't dream of being a millionaire!
A lot of people say its a pyramid scheme, or its just the latest fad... they don't know until they try it. What I know is not just what I hear and see in others who use the products- I know the results my husband and I have both had! I don't care that someone else is making money every time I make money, good for them! It is because of them that I have this opportunity to feel good and to make money! Pyramid schemes are illegal, they are bogus products. Look at me now and look at me a year ago and tell me this is a bogus product!
I am excited about having my life back, having dreams for my future again, and having a few extra bucks every week! I am happy again~ and that is all that matters right now.
If you are interested in this life~ you know how to contact me-- Facebook* Red McCann; Twitter, Periscope or instagram* Redxamy; or my Le-Vel page* www.redmccann.le-vel.com
Have an incredible day!
$50 a week... put it in savings for vacation or a home, or pay down your debt each week? A nice date night every week? Or maybe a new pair of shoes? There is a lot that can be done with that money! So what if ... a month or two from now that wil be double for each of us! And the harder we work for what we want, the faster we will reach those goals! What if you had an extra $50 a week? or $200 a week??
A lot of people roll their eyes at me when I tell them that I do this... really? Don't tell me you can't see the changes in me and my health since I started using these products! Why wouldn't I promote something that has honestly saved my life? I will tell everyone about it if I have the chance! And I can get paid for just telling people how it has helped me? Pretty easy way to make money! My goal is not to be a millionaire, my goal is to be healthy, and help others feel as good as I do. The benefit is that I have a little extra money. My goals do include being out of debt, I think everyone shoots for that! And being able to buy a new pair of boots if I see some I love! I want to be able to have breathing room with my budget... but I don't dream of being a millionaire!
A lot of people say its a pyramid scheme, or its just the latest fad... they don't know until they try it. What I know is not just what I hear and see in others who use the products- I know the results my husband and I have both had! I don't care that someone else is making money every time I make money, good for them! It is because of them that I have this opportunity to feel good and to make money! Pyramid schemes are illegal, they are bogus products. Look at me now and look at me a year ago and tell me this is a bogus product!
I am excited about having my life back, having dreams for my future again, and having a few extra bucks every week! I am happy again~ and that is all that matters right now.
If you are interested in this life~ you know how to contact me-- Facebook* Red McCann; Twitter, Periscope or instagram* Redxamy; or my Le-Vel page* www.redmccann.le-vel.com
Have an incredible day!
Sunday, October 18, 2015
death and respect
The other night there was a fatal accident, the facebook posts and comments really bothered me!
The media released a photo of the bike, and stated a name was not being released until the family was notified... but gave an age and what city he lived in. First of all, this is not at all acceptable in my opinion- any of it! They should say there was an accident, but no photos and no description should be released until they have the ok to give all the info!
I was one of many people who saw the photo and read that description and honestly believed my husbands best friend was dead. Dozens thought it was the same person I did. I called him, he answered his phone and I burst into tears! when I posted on Facebook it was not this person, to put friends minds at ease, all I saw were posts saying how glad they were it wasn't him... then I saw a response that it was a friend of a friend. I also got a message from a friend of a family member of the deceased.
What bothered me? Everyone was so happy it wasn't my friend, no one was sorry for the person who did lose his life. This man had a family, and a lot of friends! In the riding community he was no less important than any other rider, to his family and friends~ he was more important than anyone can imagine... until they lose someone!
Every time I see news stories that someone died... my heart hurts for the family and friends. I don't ask who it was, or if I knew them... everyone has someone who loves them and cares for them~ a mom, a wife or sister, a daughter or nephew... those people are hurting and deserve respect from me, from you, and most importantly- from the media! I cannot imagine looking at my facebook or twitter and seeing a photo of my own husbands bike laying on the ground with a heading saying WVC man killed in accident. No body has a right to do that without me being informed by the police and being asked permission to release that info to the public!
Next time you see there has been an accident, don't say "I hope that's no one I know," instead, say a prayer for the family!
That is my rant for today... now back to my Packers game!
The media released a photo of the bike, and stated a name was not being released until the family was notified... but gave an age and what city he lived in. First of all, this is not at all acceptable in my opinion- any of it! They should say there was an accident, but no photos and no description should be released until they have the ok to give all the info!
I was one of many people who saw the photo and read that description and honestly believed my husbands best friend was dead. Dozens thought it was the same person I did. I called him, he answered his phone and I burst into tears! when I posted on Facebook it was not this person, to put friends minds at ease, all I saw were posts saying how glad they were it wasn't him... then I saw a response that it was a friend of a friend. I also got a message from a friend of a family member of the deceased.
What bothered me? Everyone was so happy it wasn't my friend, no one was sorry for the person who did lose his life. This man had a family, and a lot of friends! In the riding community he was no less important than any other rider, to his family and friends~ he was more important than anyone can imagine... until they lose someone!
Every time I see news stories that someone died... my heart hurts for the family and friends. I don't ask who it was, or if I knew them... everyone has someone who loves them and cares for them~ a mom, a wife or sister, a daughter or nephew... those people are hurting and deserve respect from me, from you, and most importantly- from the media! I cannot imagine looking at my facebook or twitter and seeing a photo of my own husbands bike laying on the ground with a heading saying WVC man killed in accident. No body has a right to do that without me being informed by the police and being asked permission to release that info to the public!
Next time you see there has been an accident, don't say "I hope that's no one I know," instead, say a prayer for the family!
That is my rant for today... now back to my Packers game!
Friday, October 16, 2015
felons and honesty
Something came up today, I see so much on social media and the internet in general of people talking trash or lying about who they are. It got me thinking...
There are 3 types of excons...
First, there are the ones who walk around all bad ass saying they've been to prison and know how to kick your ass. I laugh at these people. first of all, been there! in my 15 months in the womens facility, I saw ONE fight. And it wasn't at all the kind of fight you would expect. it was a hair pulling, nail gouging, biting fight... aka, a cat fight! Second, if they are going to be talking like that, it means they probably a- learned that on the streets, and b- went right back to the same life they had prior to lock up.
Second, there are the ones who are silent about ever being in prison. Denial, shame, whatever the reason, it is never mentioned, even lied about to keep others from knowing their past. I respect these people, I understand the stigma! I have such a growing circle of friends, most of whom would probably never, before now, consider having friends who are felons. It trulym is hard to have a 'normal' life after prison.
Third, people like me. I never claimed to be a bad ass (other than jokingly when my daughter would bring home a new boyfriend), I am not in denial- it happened, it changed my life, it made me the person I am today. And I am not ashamed of it... people make mistakes! I talk about it, I am totally honest about my experience. Why hide it? If I lie to someone about it, eventually the truth come out, right? Then people don't trust you... why should they trust you? First you lied, and of course- you are a felon! If I am upfront and honest, people are more likely to trust and even respect you. No, I don't introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Red, and I'm a felon." But as I get to know someone, when they ask about my background, my family, etc. then it comes up. A lot of people as they get to know me, will pull up my blog and start reading and get it from here.
I get asked things like why I don't own a gun when it is obvious to most that I want one, I am asked why I don't work in the field I have my degree in... things like that bring up the subject.
Everyone has their own reasons for doing the things they do, and I am not one to judge. I do however, feel being honest with ourselves, as well as forgiving, is a key part of our emotional well being. And being honest with those we expect to give us that same respect, is vital to any relationship.
Maybe it depends on the reason a person goes to prison, or how many times they have been there, how long maybe? Who knows. I know my reasons for how I am about my time served... and that really is all that matters, right?
There are 3 types of excons...
First, there are the ones who walk around all bad ass saying they've been to prison and know how to kick your ass. I laugh at these people. first of all, been there! in my 15 months in the womens facility, I saw ONE fight. And it wasn't at all the kind of fight you would expect. it was a hair pulling, nail gouging, biting fight... aka, a cat fight! Second, if they are going to be talking like that, it means they probably a- learned that on the streets, and b- went right back to the same life they had prior to lock up.
Second, there are the ones who are silent about ever being in prison. Denial, shame, whatever the reason, it is never mentioned, even lied about to keep others from knowing their past. I respect these people, I understand the stigma! I have such a growing circle of friends, most of whom would probably never, before now, consider having friends who are felons. It trulym is hard to have a 'normal' life after prison.
Third, people like me. I never claimed to be a bad ass (other than jokingly when my daughter would bring home a new boyfriend), I am not in denial- it happened, it changed my life, it made me the person I am today. And I am not ashamed of it... people make mistakes! I talk about it, I am totally honest about my experience. Why hide it? If I lie to someone about it, eventually the truth come out, right? Then people don't trust you... why should they trust you? First you lied, and of course- you are a felon! If I am upfront and honest, people are more likely to trust and even respect you. No, I don't introduce myself, "Hi, I'm Red, and I'm a felon." But as I get to know someone, when they ask about my background, my family, etc. then it comes up. A lot of people as they get to know me, will pull up my blog and start reading and get it from here.
I get asked things like why I don't own a gun when it is obvious to most that I want one, I am asked why I don't work in the field I have my degree in... things like that bring up the subject.
Everyone has their own reasons for doing the things they do, and I am not one to judge. I do however, feel being honest with ourselves, as well as forgiving, is a key part of our emotional well being. And being honest with those we expect to give us that same respect, is vital to any relationship.
Maybe it depends on the reason a person goes to prison, or how many times they have been there, how long maybe? Who knows. I know my reasons for how I am about my time served... and that really is all that matters, right?
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I still get angry
So, I really do my best to maintain a positive happy carefree attitude. I don't let the little things get to me anymore. But every once in a while... someone pisses me off!
About an hour ago I heard my dog barking- not her normal bark that she does when anyone walks by- but a bark telling me maybe I should check and see whats up. Troy went outside, and dragged the dog back in telling me of a man walking his pit bull past the house, he was on the ground and seemed a little sore like maybe the dog had pulled him down. I felt bad, but thought "if you can't control your dog on a leash, maybe you should have a wiener dog."
So just a few minutes ago my dog starts that bark again. I run to the door and what do I see? A man on the ground with his pit bull at the fence... at this point I was a little annoyed. Why not go on the other side of the street if you know there are dogs here?!
Then he got up. I noticed his Big Gulp cup on the sidewalk- empty with soda all over! He took two steps and immediately I knew who this was. Concerned for the guy? No. Annoyed? Oh not anymore! Just flat pissed! Then he opened his mouth... don't you EVER yell and swear at my dogs!
This guy walks by the house every day. He laughs at my dogs when they bark at him- he's always alone, I've never seen him with a dog. He disabled, walks with a really bad limp- I have honestly wondered if it is due to a bullet injury! He has one of those sexy tattoos on his face that says "I'm in a gang" or "this is prison ink"... either way, I am always a bit leary when he walks by and avoid eye contact- made that mistake once and he asked me for a cigarette... and had that amazing aroma of alcohol- not spilled, like sweating out alcohol. Oh yeah, he seems to have trouble with one of his eyes, too... not blind, but obvious damage to the eye (maybe from that prison tattoo gun?)
Anyway, back to my rant... I am a responsible dog owner. My dogs are fenced, they cannot get out of the front yard. Sure they bark, it's what dogs do when another is in their territory! My dogs were not a threat to him or his dog. He knows I have dogs, and he walks by with a freaking pit bull? The man can't even walk himself let alone a strong dog! Then he comes right back by the same way, knowing the dogs will be there? And is swearing at my dog while he gets past the house. I was ready to go off! But... I am not a gun owner, and I'm pretty sure under those baggy pants and shirt that could fit all his siblings- he has a gun. I shouldn't say that, kind of stereotyping, but seriously! I know I will see him again at some point this week... and I really need to just bite my tongue. But I am mad, it seems to be a common sense thing to me, that could have totally been avoided. I know that I avoid things that could cause problems (ok, most of the time), so many things could have happened! I want to just scream at him and ask him how much dope he has smoked in his life! What if his dog somehow managed to get over the fence into my yard?
Yes, I am angry. Yes, it is justified. No, I haven't let things bother me like this for a long time! My new attitude and outlook on life has kept me from so much anger and other emotions that I see as damaging to myself, and I love this new me!
About an hour ago I heard my dog barking- not her normal bark that she does when anyone walks by- but a bark telling me maybe I should check and see whats up. Troy went outside, and dragged the dog back in telling me of a man walking his pit bull past the house, he was on the ground and seemed a little sore like maybe the dog had pulled him down. I felt bad, but thought "if you can't control your dog on a leash, maybe you should have a wiener dog."
So just a few minutes ago my dog starts that bark again. I run to the door and what do I see? A man on the ground with his pit bull at the fence... at this point I was a little annoyed. Why not go on the other side of the street if you know there are dogs here?!
Then he got up. I noticed his Big Gulp cup on the sidewalk- empty with soda all over! He took two steps and immediately I knew who this was. Concerned for the guy? No. Annoyed? Oh not anymore! Just flat pissed! Then he opened his mouth... don't you EVER yell and swear at my dogs!
This guy walks by the house every day. He laughs at my dogs when they bark at him- he's always alone, I've never seen him with a dog. He disabled, walks with a really bad limp- I have honestly wondered if it is due to a bullet injury! He has one of those sexy tattoos on his face that says "I'm in a gang" or "this is prison ink"... either way, I am always a bit leary when he walks by and avoid eye contact- made that mistake once and he asked me for a cigarette... and had that amazing aroma of alcohol- not spilled, like sweating out alcohol. Oh yeah, he seems to have trouble with one of his eyes, too... not blind, but obvious damage to the eye (maybe from that prison tattoo gun?)
Anyway, back to my rant... I am a responsible dog owner. My dogs are fenced, they cannot get out of the front yard. Sure they bark, it's what dogs do when another is in their territory! My dogs were not a threat to him or his dog. He knows I have dogs, and he walks by with a freaking pit bull? The man can't even walk himself let alone a strong dog! Then he comes right back by the same way, knowing the dogs will be there? And is swearing at my dog while he gets past the house. I was ready to go off! But... I am not a gun owner, and I'm pretty sure under those baggy pants and shirt that could fit all his siblings- he has a gun. I shouldn't say that, kind of stereotyping, but seriously! I know I will see him again at some point this week... and I really need to just bite my tongue. But I am mad, it seems to be a common sense thing to me, that could have totally been avoided. I know that I avoid things that could cause problems (ok, most of the time), so many things could have happened! I want to just scream at him and ask him how much dope he has smoked in his life! What if his dog somehow managed to get over the fence into my yard?
Yes, I am angry. Yes, it is justified. No, I haven't let things bother me like this for a long time! My new attitude and outlook on life has kept me from so much anger and other emotions that I see as damaging to myself, and I love this new me!
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Who Am I
Yesterday I was interviewed by a college student for one of her classes. It really got me thinking! I didn't have answers to some of her questions, things most people would be able to answer easily.
My past and my experiences have made me the person I am today. I no longer have 'family' as most people would define family. I don't celebrate holidays in any special way. I don't have traditions from my childhood that I have carried on. Kind of makes me feel like I am just existing. How does my family feel about these things? Am I neglecting them, keeping them from experiencing life to it's fullest?
When I chose to walk away from my family, I walked away from everything they represented, from the memories, from the things we did together. Altho most of those 'traditions' had died long before I left the family. Multiple marriages, I think, also has an impact on that. Each marriage, each family, that I became a part of, had their own traditions and way of doing things. I adapted to that, became comfortable and even enjoyed some of those. Then divorce happens, and those celebrations, and the people, are no longer a part of your life. Then eventually a new partner- with new family and new traditions.
I got tired, burned out, and actually cold to any of that. My own doing? Absolutely! Fair to my daughter and my current husband? No.
I have tried, but I have such terrible memories, that it is just too hard to open up and try to have positive experiences with some of these things. I have hopes that by the time I become a grandmother, that I will find it in myself to create memories and family traditions... I want my daughter to be able to tell her children about their first Christmas, about 'that one year at Easter.'
I am thankful that my daughters dads family still continues with many of the traditions from her childhood. Honestly, that family made me feel more a part of the family, than my own family ever did! And for years after our divorce, I was still a welcome, and expected, part of those family celebrations.
For years I didn't celebrate Christian holidays- which really, is the majority of our holidays. I celebrated for my daughter. Now, that I have accepted God and Jesus, maybe the holidays will be different... I still struggle with that, this is all kind of new to me and I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me in that aspect. But only time will tell. Maybe it's time I start some traditions, maybe it's time I give my family reason to enjoy the holidays and to look forward to specific times of year.
I don't ever want to be asked what defines me and not be able to answer. I don't want to be asked about tradition and family and shrug my shoulders. Just because I have had some really craptastic experiences in my life, and my family won't have anything to do with me... shouldn't stop me from being an incredible wife and mom and making life the best it can possibly be for all of us!
Who am I? I am a woman who has overcome more than I like to admit. I am a mom and a wife who would take a bullet for my family. I am passionate and caring. I have built walls that are due to be knocked down.
My past and my experiences have made me the person I am today. I no longer have 'family' as most people would define family. I don't celebrate holidays in any special way. I don't have traditions from my childhood that I have carried on. Kind of makes me feel like I am just existing. How does my family feel about these things? Am I neglecting them, keeping them from experiencing life to it's fullest?
When I chose to walk away from my family, I walked away from everything they represented, from the memories, from the things we did together. Altho most of those 'traditions' had died long before I left the family. Multiple marriages, I think, also has an impact on that. Each marriage, each family, that I became a part of, had their own traditions and way of doing things. I adapted to that, became comfortable and even enjoyed some of those. Then divorce happens, and those celebrations, and the people, are no longer a part of your life. Then eventually a new partner- with new family and new traditions.
I got tired, burned out, and actually cold to any of that. My own doing? Absolutely! Fair to my daughter and my current husband? No.
I have tried, but I have such terrible memories, that it is just too hard to open up and try to have positive experiences with some of these things. I have hopes that by the time I become a grandmother, that I will find it in myself to create memories and family traditions... I want my daughter to be able to tell her children about their first Christmas, about 'that one year at Easter.'
I am thankful that my daughters dads family still continues with many of the traditions from her childhood. Honestly, that family made me feel more a part of the family, than my own family ever did! And for years after our divorce, I was still a welcome, and expected, part of those family celebrations.
For years I didn't celebrate Christian holidays- which really, is the majority of our holidays. I celebrated for my daughter. Now, that I have accepted God and Jesus, maybe the holidays will be different... I still struggle with that, this is all kind of new to me and I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me in that aspect. But only time will tell. Maybe it's time I start some traditions, maybe it's time I give my family reason to enjoy the holidays and to look forward to specific times of year.
I don't ever want to be asked what defines me and not be able to answer. I don't want to be asked about tradition and family and shrug my shoulders. Just because I have had some really craptastic experiences in my life, and my family won't have anything to do with me... shouldn't stop me from being an incredible wife and mom and making life the best it can possibly be for all of us!
Who am I? I am a woman who has overcome more than I like to admit. I am a mom and a wife who would take a bullet for my family. I am passionate and caring. I have built walls that are due to be knocked down.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Goals and Dreams
We all have goals and dreams, some want to drive a nice car, some want to live in New York City, some want to be able to live life on their terms... and we all have our own reasons for these things.
A lot of people don't understand my dreams, there are times that even I don't quite get why I want the things I do!
I want to live in a small town. I want to be financially stable- not rich, just to be able to stay out of debt and know that if an emergency comes up, it can be covered. I want to be able to give my grandkids the things I was never able to give my daughter as a parent. I want to cut my friends down to those who truly care, who are not filled with negativity. I want to help people, and I want my family to be happy. I want to work again, and drive again... and I want my husband to work less.
Doesn't seem like too much to ask, right? Then why does it seem so hard!?
Some of my goals and dreams need work from both my husband and I, we need to support each other in our goals. But some are things I need to work on by myself. Those seem to be the hard ones. Where I have to dig deep inside and decide how to do things without hurting people, how to succeed at one thing without failing myself in another way.
I also have to take into consideration my husbands goals. What if he wants to live in New York City? He doesn't, I'm just using that as an example. But what if your dreams are totally opposite your spouses? What do you do? What if he won't support you in reaching your goals? What if you think his goals are stupid?
Sacrifice. You married this person, you love this person. You both have to make sacrifices until you can come to an agreement on life goals. If he wants to retire to Alaska, and you want to retire to Hawaii... then compromise, find a place you both like that can offer you both something. Never force your partner to give up on their dreams... chances are, he will give up on you before giving up the dream. Support is huge!
For me, I am done with the city, I am done with all the people. I know my husband still needs to work and I know that I can't move away from my daughter yet, she still needs me for now. So I am being patient but working on the things I need to do to be able to make that escape from the city happen when we are ready... if it ever happens. Like I said, we don't always have the same dreams as our partners and I have no idea if mine is really willing to change to that kind of life. But, compromise can happen.
I will never stop living for my goals... whether it is owning an acre in a town of less than 1000 people, or losing 10 pounds... any goal I set- I will achieve. What do we live for if we don't have something to look forward to tomorrow?
A lot of people don't understand my dreams, there are times that even I don't quite get why I want the things I do!
I want to live in a small town. I want to be financially stable- not rich, just to be able to stay out of debt and know that if an emergency comes up, it can be covered. I want to be able to give my grandkids the things I was never able to give my daughter as a parent. I want to cut my friends down to those who truly care, who are not filled with negativity. I want to help people, and I want my family to be happy. I want to work again, and drive again... and I want my husband to work less.
Doesn't seem like too much to ask, right? Then why does it seem so hard!?
Some of my goals and dreams need work from both my husband and I, we need to support each other in our goals. But some are things I need to work on by myself. Those seem to be the hard ones. Where I have to dig deep inside and decide how to do things without hurting people, how to succeed at one thing without failing myself in another way.
I also have to take into consideration my husbands goals. What if he wants to live in New York City? He doesn't, I'm just using that as an example. But what if your dreams are totally opposite your spouses? What do you do? What if he won't support you in reaching your goals? What if you think his goals are stupid?
Sacrifice. You married this person, you love this person. You both have to make sacrifices until you can come to an agreement on life goals. If he wants to retire to Alaska, and you want to retire to Hawaii... then compromise, find a place you both like that can offer you both something. Never force your partner to give up on their dreams... chances are, he will give up on you before giving up the dream. Support is huge!
For me, I am done with the city, I am done with all the people. I know my husband still needs to work and I know that I can't move away from my daughter yet, she still needs me for now. So I am being patient but working on the things I need to do to be able to make that escape from the city happen when we are ready... if it ever happens. Like I said, we don't always have the same dreams as our partners and I have no idea if mine is really willing to change to that kind of life. But, compromise can happen.
I will never stop living for my goals... whether it is owning an acre in a town of less than 1000 people, or losing 10 pounds... any goal I set- I will achieve. What do we live for if we don't have something to look forward to tomorrow?
Wednesday, September 23, 2015
Soul Searching
I was not raised in a religious home. My dad was raised Southern Baptist, my mother- Lutheran... I have a memory of being sent to some random church as a child, but my parents didn't go with us. We protested and never had to go again. that was it. The only time there was ever a prayer in my house was at the holidays if there was family visiting.
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Relationships
Relationships, as most people know, are not fairy tales! Happily ever after doesn't really exist... if you are lucky enough to find that- it actually takes a lot of work! Any relationship takes a lot of work! As some of you know, my marriage has been kind of rocky, almost to the point of giving up. But we love each other more than anything, and we are determined to make it work and make each other happy.
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
Pick your battles... is it really the end of the world if she squeezes the toothpaste tube in the middle? Is it worth walking away because he drinks milk out of the carton?
Sacrifice is mandatory! You love this person the way he is, don't try to turn him into that guy with the six pack abs. Don't tell her she can't hang out with that one friend you don't like.
Trust? Do you love him? Or a better question- do you believe he loves you? Then why in the world would there be a reason not to trust him?
Quality time is vital! Not with the family, not with friends, and not with the TV! Remember date night? That shouldn't end just because you are married! This past weekend we went away, just the two of us. We stayed at a place that had no televisions and no cell phone service! It was an amazing weekend!
Don't forget the little things! A card, a nice dinner, a surprise of any kind! Open her car door, put a love note in his lunch. Romance needs to remain in a relationship if you want to avoid the rut that most of us fall into.
Remember to always communicate! If you have a concern, talk about it! If you broke her favorite vase- tell her, if you overspent at the mall- tell him!
That brings me to finances... money is the biggest issue in relationships! It needs to be talked about! Expenses, budgets, splurges, don't hide money and don't try to pretend there is more money than there is. Communicate and budget!
I sadly admit that I have been married 5 times, none of the first 4 lasted more than 2 years... I refuse to give up this time, I love my husband and he loves me and what we have is worth fighting to keep... no matter how hard it gets- don't walk away if you truly love someone!
I watch as my daughter is falling more and more in love, and planning for a wedding. They are learning some of the struggles already, but they are so in love and I know they will do whatever it takes to have their happily ever after. It is refreshing to see young new love. it's a reminder of how things should be!
I see friends struggling in relationships- it seems there is usually one partner who keeps screwing up and one partner who is incredibly strong, supportive, and devoted... be that devoted person! Look at your loved one and remind yourself why you fell in love, think back to what your dreams were- and make them happen now! life is too short to let the best thing in your life slip away!
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