Asking for help, or even admitting I need help, I not easy for me. I have always been one to do everything I can to have what I need- and if I can't make the money- then I go without. That's how I was raised, that is how I believe things should be. My daughter always had what she needed, but not always what she wanted. I worked very hard to provide for her. There were times we went without some things we needed, and there were times we had everything plus!
Altho I feel I should have to go without if I can't afford things, there are others out there who I have always tried to help- the homeless, veterans, families in real need, etc.
This year has been very hard on my family financially. It has led to fights, talk of divorce, going without a number of things we need... and many many tears. Every time I think I am ready to swallow my pride and admit I need help, I look at my family and think- nope, we have a roof over our head, we have food in the fridge- we may not eat a healthy meal every night, but we do have food to eat daily. We have more than a lot of people do. And for that I am blessed. And continue my denial that we really do need help.
Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go to a friend and admit, just a little, of what we are dealing with. And thru the charity work she does and the organizations she works with, I was able to get some things for my kids and for my home to help out just a bit. Christmas doesn't happen in my house, not just because of how I feel about the materialistic aspect of what this holiday has become, but because we can't afford it. So it was really nice yesterday to be able to get an outfit for each of my girls, and a couple things for my grandbaby.
When we left this friends house I was an emotional mess... so extremely grateful for the help and kindness, ashamed for actually accepting help, embarrassed for needing and asking for the help. But so so very thankful for the people in my life who don't judge our situation, who are willing to help us when we truly need it.
Last month I kept dropping hints online about how desperately I wanted a waffle maker, that was all I wanted for my birthday/ anniversary/ Christmas... A couple weeks ago, my daughter walked out the door to go to work and there was a brand new waffle maker sitting on the door step that said Happy December to me. I bawled! I still have no idea who did this for me, but this little gesture meant so much to me. An inexpensive gift that will bring me years of joy... that my husband probably would not have been able to get for me.
I think we appear to be better off than we truly are, at least I like to think so. I got a brand new laptop a couple days ago... truth is, I didn't pay a dime for it. I returned a tablet that didn't work and was given store credit for my full purchase amount- which was enough to get a new laptop. We appear to eat out often, but never without coupons or everyone pitching in. The rare occasions we buy clothing, is when it is absolutely needed or on clearance or with birthday money... or all of the above! We do everything we can to save a few dimes here and there, but it still just doesn't keep us in the black.
It is scary to think things could get even worse, and I pray they don't! I am determined to do whatever it takes this year to make forward progress and not need help.
I see so many people who I personally don't feel are deserving of the help they want. They whine and complain constantly about their situation... my take on that is they are begging for someone to feel sorry for them. Then I see these people who can barely keep a roof over their heads getting excited to announce they are expecting another child! REALLY? We have honestly come close to losing our home this year, but we know where our priorities are... we aren't planning babies, we don't go to movies and blow $30+, we don't go drop $100 at the bar, we pay the bills. And what is left, we feed our family. How hard is that for people with small children to understand?
OK, kind of went off track there on my own rant. I just want people to understand that no matter how proud you are, it is ok to stop and ask for help. If you are truly doing everything you can and still not making ends meet, don't be ashamed to reach out to someone. But if you are living with friends or family because you can't afford a place of your own, and you go out on more date nights than you spend at home, and are expecting another baby... Stop! your financial suffering is your own fault! And please don't expect me to be the one to help you out!
As I said in the beginning, it is very hard for me to admit when I am in need, or struggling in any way. I don't like for others to see that under this outgoing attitude and positive person, is really someone who has feelings and pain and battles. I have always been the strong and proud one who can lift my friends out of their darkest hours. Writing this was very difficult, and yes, there are tears streaming down my face. But I needed to get this out there. I am not perfect, my family is not as well off as we appear... but what we do have is LOVE and SUPPORT for each other... and that, is worth more than anything! It may not keep a roof over our head, or food on our plates, but it keeps us strong enough to get thru these hard times. A year ago, I was contemplating suicide to escape where I am, where my family is... but where would that leave my family? where would that put my daughter? No one would be any better off if I had left this world. MY pain would have been gone... but I would have created so much more pain for my loved ones, on top of what they already are dealing with.
Accept the reality of your situations, own up to your responsibility for that situation, stop the things that make it worse, and do everything you can to make it better. And never be too proud to reach out.
I am so very grateful and blessed to have such amazing people in my life to make my fears and struggles just a little bit easier to accept.
Happy holidays, my friends.