Reflecting

When I was in prison I spent 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases behind bars. The first was only a month after my arrival, my birthday was only 3 weeks after getting there- I was not even to general population yet. 23 hour lockdown on my birthday. I was still terrified of what my future held in this place. Sad that my girls were not with me. Feeling 100% alone and sorry for myself! The anger was still there- anger for my husband (if I have to be in prison it should be for murdering him, right? not for something he did!) Angry at myself for being so blind and not recognizing what had happened to get me there. But most of what I felt was fear and self pity.
A few days after my birthday I was called to "roll up." I was being moved, my 30 days were up and I was going to the real world of prison- general population. By Christmas I was settled in to a cell, with a roomie who eventually became one of my dearest friends. The cell was almost 'homie', she had pictures on the walls, a gorgeous afghan on her top bunk... and she welcomed me with a smile. So she gave me the grand tour of our 6x10ish suite... I remember the last thing she showed me was our Christmas tree. She had created a tree by zigzagging green yard down the wall, and on the branches she had crocheted small ornaments. That made me smile, but the smile quickly broke into tears and uncontrolled sobbing! Was this what I had come to? A year ago I had the most amazing tree I had ever had in my life! With family and friends and... oh I was miserable over this! But each day, as I learned the routine of life there, and met a couple people- I was very afraid to be social! These were like killers and stuff, right? I'm better than that! Christmas came and I saw women exchanging gifts, there were cakes and treats made out of things that could be purchased thru the commissary, there was laughter and joy. I spent most of my day that day in my cell, still battling how I felt about where I was and how I was going to deal with it.

Fast forward one year... I knew when I was getting out of this place, I had friends, I had people who trusted me- I was even looked up to by many because I worked at the school teaching and was a literacy tutor. I found God by this time. I had my divorce done, I was... happy! My birthday was celebrated! Not just by me, my friends made me feel amazing! People made cards for me and I decorated my room with them (we really didn't call it a cell, it was out room, our suite- I mean, we were, after all, at Utah's finest gated community- so why not have a suite?)
Then came Christmas- our tree was even more fabulous than the previous year! We were allowed a party- they even brought in the television to have a movie night. A special dinner was prepared by the kitchen crew. I spent little time in my room that day, not when I was allowed to not be there! I had happiness to spread, people to cheer up as I had been cheered up a year before.

People wonder why I am not a big fan of the holidays anymore. Draper was a big reminder for me of what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Love, friendships, family... time. It's not about money and gifts and faking a smile to please that dysfunctional family! The best times ever are spent with people who don't judge, who have been in a similar situation, who have no expectations. Christmas isn't about a big tree or a meal that cost way too much and makes you miserable the rest of the day. It's not about opening gifts that you didn't really want in the first place.

As I have said before, you have no idea what true freedom is until you have had it taken from you. I am thankful to be another year older this week, to see another Christmas with my daughter (and husband and future son in law), but celebrating just isn't my thing. I would rather donate every dime spent on me for my birthday and Christmas to the prison library so they can get new books!
Thanx for reading my thoughts, I truly hope that at some point someone can find the help you are searching for thru my experiences and views. Love and Light.