one more missed holiday

I lied... I thought I would do ok this Christmas. I was wrong. But my struggle this year was totally different than previous years.
For years I have had anger and hurt and every negative emotion about the holidays. As I mentioned previously- I have found peace with all that, which, by the way, feels amazing! I wasn't mad at anyone, I didn't have hurt feelings or memories that made me sad... all that is gone! It's an incredible feeling to be FREE of all that!
Last night I started feeling a little down, and today I fell apart a couple times. This was the first year that I actually WANTED to do Christmas... I looked forward to it for months- even bought ornaments last year! I was going to have a tree and decorate and wrap presents- I even wanted to cook a holiday dinner.
Then the closer it got, the more reality set in. That wasn't going to happen this year. None of it. I feel like I let my daughter down. I know, she doesn't expect these things from me, but she usually at least gets a gift... not this year.
No tree or decorations, no gift wrap- or even gifts, and no fancy family dinner. I probably shouldn't complain, this is what I have chosen for years. And at least I have what is important- my family, a home, a hot meal.
But I wanted it so badly. I wanted my family to have a Christmas they deserve.  I have a son in law, and another daughter and grand daughter... I want my family to celebrate and make memories, create traditions, have family photos, and share our love.
If any of my family reads this, I am sorry, I failed. But I will fix it the best I can- hopefully with help from my husband, and we will have Christmas next year.