Dysfunction or Detached

This may come across as a rather twisted post, but I never claimed to be normal- nor have I ever said I have normal thoughts!
Recently I have been thinking of my mother. Not like the relationship, or lack there of, but things like when she dies, or if I die before she does (very possible, she is a vry healthy lady).
I wonder if my dad would even call me if she passed, or if she became very ill. I recently learned she had major surgery, so I don't expect I would be contacted if she became ill- like death bed type ill. And if I were, would I be expected to react? To visit? I hope not. Because I truly would not want to visit, not for myself, and certainly not at her request. Possibly, if my dad requested me to be there for him, I would consider it... but that's still a long shot. I mean... I have nothing to say to her, I feel no emotions toward her anymore, she means nothing to me. Sad, huh? I don't hate her, I am past the anger and the hurt and all the other feelings I felt, I just have no feelings. I know, I sound cold and uncaring, how can anyone think that way about their mother? The woman who gave birth to you and raised you? well, I don't apologize for how I feel- or don't feel, most of my life up until recently was hell because of this woman, I do not need to justify to anyone how I became this way. I am a very loving and caring person.
So what about her death? Would my dad call me? Would he call my daughter instead? or would he have my sister contact me? I'm sure she could track me down on Facebook or dig out my email address. Her husband is the executor of my parents estate, so obviously she would get the first phone call. I don't believe I will attend my mothers funeral. I honestly don't believe she would want me there, so maybe one last effort to show her respect- I would stay away. Again, if my father asked me to be there for him, I would have to bounce that thought around in my head, but when it comes down to it- no. I will be there emotionally for my dad, I will be a phone call away for my dad, I will spend any amount of time with my dad- if he wants me around, but not the funeral.
Most people don't understand how I can have such lack of respect, but I truly have no respect for the woman who raised me. I no longer care what happens in her world, in her mind. I don't care what she thinks of me or even what she tells people about me. She means nothing to me.
My dad, on the other hand, this is a very difficult situation. He is my dad! I looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor, my world... for a very long time! Then I learned that I was a disappointment to him. Ouch, that was crushing. But I still love him. I'm terrified that if HE is on his death bed, I wouldn't get a call. I do however, believe that if he passed, I would get a call telling me so. Doubtful I would be given funeral information, just a courtesy call. I truly believe the woman hates me, she has always made me feel as if she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and did things to keep me from him. Sad, right?
The entire situation is sad. I have a mother who has made no attempt to contact me in almost 5 years, a dad who just goes with the flow of what she does- for all I know he has been told horrific stories of why he hasn't seen me for 5 years! and a half sister who, well, who knows! She is far from Utah, she has a telephone relationship with our dad and her step mother.
I guess the older my parents get, the more these things cross my mind. I may never have another chance to see my dad or to tell him that I love him. In part, that was my decision. I chose to remove myself from his life in exchange for the peace of removing his wife from my life.
I have no idea if I will ever see either of them again, no idea if I will even know when they pass away. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, that pain of missing my dad still hits me once in a while, but then I remind myself of what a disappointment I was, and the fact that if he really wanted me in his life- he knows how to use a phone, too!
If any of my family happens to read this, please let it be known that I am hopeful they changed their will. I will not accept a dime, it will be given to charity or passed to my girls. People seem to think all I want from them or ever have, is their money. No, I never did, and no matter how bad off things might be- I don't want their money now. All I ever wanted was love and acceptance... Which I will never have from them.