Wake Me Up When November Ends

November is so many things to me! One thing is Epilepsy Awareness month. When I was 14ish, I started having seizures. But I had no idea at the time, what was happening. It wasn't until I was 17, about to be a senior in high school, that I finally had a seizure in front of someone... a lot of someones, actually! I was in a grocery store on a Friday afternoon. I was taken to a hospital via ambulance, and was finally diagnosed. I had no idea what epilepsy was, why it was happening to me, what it meant for my future- my life! I had a lot to learn! And for years to follow, I continued to learn more about this disease. And the fact that it was such a taboo subject for the rest of society... people had no idea what it was, people made fun of others who had seizures. I was scared to tell people I suffered from it. I've come a long way since then. Today it is one of the first things I tell people about myself, I educate my friends on what to do if I have a seizure, and I help others understand what it is like to live with epilepsy and to experience a seizure. Epilepsy awareness is important to me.
November also represents a time of family loss. Not just death, but loss of what once was. November was the last time I saw my grandfather before he passed in December. It is also the last time I saw my favorite uncle before his heart attack that put him on life support, ultimately ending his life on Christmas day. (the family joked that I was no longer allowed at family gatherings at that point, because someone always dies after I visit.) That was the last year my family was truly a family. True colors started to show thru, the troubles we hid behind fake smiles- finally broke free... We all have dysfunctional families, but my family chose to all go separate ways for the most part. I have some incredible memories of Thanksgiving with family as a child, and that last year prior to my dads brother passing when my entire family was here, together. They are good but painful memories. November was the last time I saw my youngest daughter, it has been ten years since I have seen her. I hold on the fact that one day I will be reunited with her and we can build some kind of relationship, friendship... but for now her smile is in my eyes when I close them.
November- the month I was sentenced to spend time in prison, I spent 4 days in jail, and was transferred to the prison 2 days prior to Thanksgiving. I didn't eat for days! Have you seen prison food? They brought us our 'holiday meal' and I fell apart! I swore I would never eat another Thanksgiving feast again.
November is also the month a dear friend who suffered from PTSD took the life of his girlfriend and then his own life. As I mourned this loss, I heard 2 things about this incident... first- he was a drunk, abusive man who murdered a 911 operator. second- from friends, I could be the one he killed, I should be glad I got away from him. Why do I still struggle with this loss? Nobody understood him, no one recognized he suffered every day. He drank because he was fighting so many demons from HIS past. That woman he killed, no, she didn't deserve that, but no one acknowledged the fact that she was the abusive one in the relationship. He was not given a military funeral, he was treated as a murderer- not a combat hero.
So yes, I very much dislike the month of November, I dread Thanksgiving! But every year I find a way to push thru it, I fall apart multiple times a week but find the strength to lift myself up and keep pushing. I have a wonderful husband, he may not understand everything I go thru, but he is supportive and does whatever he can to help me smile and get thru it all. I have my daughter, my reason for continuing! Her smile can change my entire day, her hug can remind me that we are a family and we get thru it all together. This year I have more to be thankful for, I have my health back, and an incredible new circle of friends who are so positive and motivating and supportive. I have things to look forward to, life is changing for the better. My daughter will be married by this time next year, and that is the start of a new family for me to build new traditions around!
We all have struggles, we all have difficult periods that bring emotions flooding back... don't bury that and destroy yourself from the inside out... let those emotions flow, talk to someone, whatever helps you deal with it all! I know there are thousands of people out there with more difficult times than mine, and I pray for those people to find some peace and happiness. I do a pretty good job at putting the past in the past, but once in a while- like this time of the  year, it does become overwhelming.