Ten years ago, November 18, 2005... it was a Friday. After months of what in my mind was hell- I learned what hell truly was. I sat in the courtroom for what seemed like hours- thinking of my daughter who was in foster care, and my other daughter whose dad had taken her from my life. I was thinking about where I was going for lunch. I was thinking about all the stuff I had been thru since March that brought me to where I was that day...
I heard my name, my attorney motioned for me to join him at this little podium in front of the judge. I handed my phone and my wallet to my best friend and brother, gave my boyfriend a peck, and went to stand at my lawyers side. No big deal, I read the pre-sentence report, my lawyer explained what is going to happen... I make my plea, I say yes your honor and no sir and be really polite, then it's done, he tells me a sentence, and I go to lunch.
Nope! That judge tore me down to nothing. I honestly didn't think it was possible for me to feel any more like a failure as a parent or a person than I already did, I didn't think anyone could make me feel more guilt than I already had. I was a mess. In my head just begging him to tell me the sentence so I could leave that room, leave that court, and leave that chapter of my life behind me- moving forward to fix what I had been a part of destroying, rebuild my family with the pieces we had left- and make it stronger. I listened, with teats running down my face for what seemed to be forever... and then he was ready to announce my sentence.
First reaction- he was wrong! Didn't he see the pre sentence recommendation? I collapsed, this wasn't happening to me!!! Then this officer comes and puts handcuffs on me and takes me thru a door. What the hell was happening? How was this happening? Wait... I need my lawyer! No. But what happens now? I need my meds. I need... omg my meds! After a half hour- when I finally started to breathe and calm down a bit, the officer came to me. He could see how freaked out I was, I was not the typical female heading off to prison. He asked about my meds, then agreed to put the cuffs in front rather than behind my back. He explained I would be transported to the jail for a few days and they would make sure I got my medications, then I would be transferred to the prison a few days later.
I was so scared. So confused. So lost. I sat in a holding cell for ?? hours, freezing and trying to figure out what went so wrong. I was finally taken in a van with 3 other women to the jail. I had done a 'book and release' a few months prior when charges were originally filed, so apparently my intake process was very short. Another holding cell for a while, then I got sent to a unit, and a cell.
So much confusion and fear. All these women around me were like real criminals! Or junkies. I was terrified. I needed to talk to someone- anyone! I called my parents... "don't they have a phone you can call me from that doesn't charge me for a collect call?" Yes, that is what I got from my mother. Screw this, I'm on my own.
This first night in jail... I was terrified I wouldn't get my meds, I was so freaked out about having a seizure there! I was scared of these girls who were going thru withdrawls- I new nothing about that. I would see someone walk by and wonder why she was there. I spent most of that first night in my cell, hiding from the reality I was in.
That was the beginning of a very long 5 days in jail, followed by 15 months of prison. The most eye opening, educational experience of my life... and for that I am thankful. But that day... November 18... ten years ago... it truly broke me. Every part of the day just broke me down more and more... each new experience that day- was a new life experience. Each time I felt I couldn't be broken any more- I got shattered.
A year prior to this I was at the top of my life! I had my home, my 2 children, my pets, I was making more money than I ever imagined I could- and it was all home based so I could be a mom. And this night I laid curled in a ball crying, on an uncomfortable bed, freezing, locked in a small room with some girl I thought was dying- turns out she was coming down off heroin, but I had no idea at the time.
Life can change in an instant. Even without you knowing what happened. I do my best to live every day to its fullest, I find the best in every situation and every person I encounter. I try so hard to put the past behind me and live for today- and what I am learning- to live for tomorrow. Last year I did a little better than years past, but it has been ten years. Ten years since I lost my children, since I lost my careers, ten years since I learned who really loves me and who are the judgemental ones.
Ten years since I lost my freedom? NO! That was what I thought for a very long time, but it actually is not at all how I see it today. That, tho, is subject for another post.
Thank you, for taking time to read my thoughts and stories... it helps me so much to have a place to release these things.
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