Answers...

Today I saw my doctor, I recently had some tests done- tests I have had dozens of times over the past 30 years. Never any answers, never a why. So I went into today not expecting any answers. What came next was shocking... the MRI actually showed something. Then we talked about it, and so much came back. I am still trying to process everything said, and the things going thru my head today...
I remember the night so well. I was 12, it was November (yes, more reason to love this month!). I was with my parents traveling to Arizona, grandmas house for Thanksgiving. It was late, we left Salt Lake in the afternoon and had just crossed into Arizona. The weather was off and on snowing. I remember my mother complaining about the way dad was driving... too fast considering it was so dark... but we were on dry roads and we were all so tired- we just wanted to get to Grandmas where it was warm and safe. I was sleepy, I laid down in the back seat, my head on the drivers side. I don't know how long I had been asleep, but I remember what woke me. My mother screamed, the car stopped- like we hit something, then my head got slammed thru the back door. Things are a bit fuzzyas far as the time line. I remember my mother was screaming and freaking out, I saw blood on her face. Dad was trying to calm her down and get her to get out of the car... he couldn't get his door open and needed to get to me. I felt blood, or maybe rain... probably both. the window above my head was shattered, dad told me not to move but was asking me to talk to him. I remember dad starting the car and telling mom to get in... next thing I remember was waking up at grandmas. My aunt and mom were picking glass out of my hair, my back and my head hurt a lot, but Thanksgiving went on as planned. When I looked at the car, a VW Rabbit, the hood looked like someone had taken a prybar to the front to open it, and there was a tear in the metal. the entire driver side was smashed in, the mirror was gone. I remember trying to figure out what happened to me and I looked in the back seat... the door, pretty much the entire side of the car, had been smashed in more than 4 inches... I fell asleep with a jacket against the door to cushion my head- I was against that door.
So what was it? we came across a deer or elk or something, elk probably, that believed it was bigger than our car. He stood his ground to take us on~ my dads version of what he saw! We hit the animal head on, the antlers caught in the hood and his body swung around and slammed the side of the car.
I was never seen by a doctor, but I was hurt. I had a concussion, and I remember weeks of pulling bits of glass out of my head! I'm pretty sure all three of us should have gone to an emergency room, but I was raised by a mother who believed if you aren't dying- you don't need a doctor.
About 2 years after that is when my seizures started. My first neurologist asked if I had ever had a traumatic experience during the time frame of when the seizures started- but I never thought about that accident, it never came up.
So fast forward to today. My MRI shows scar tissue on my left temporal lobe. He asked if I had any head injuries. That is when it finally clicked about the accident. Asked if there was anything else... well, the abusive first marriage- but that was 5 years after the seizures started. He wrote it down in my file, that was weird.
So we discussed how this happens, the new medications, and the possibility of further treatment. Surgery. Not the VNS, but brain surgery. I'm so freaked out about that!
I walked out of the doctors office holding tight to Troys hand, staring off, confused, overwhelmed, happy, scared, tears streaming down my face. So many thoughts to process. Happy and shocked to have answers after all these years, upset that I didn't put these things together years ago, was this my dads fault? Scared about the idea of surgery, yet, excited about the possibility of never having another seizure ever again! Would it have stopped eventually if I had never married my first husband? I'm still processing.
Thank God I have friends I can turn to. My best friend got a text from me before we even left the parking lot. He is supportive and happy for me that I finally got answers, and he supports the surgery option- I trust his input on things like this. Also a friend who is an RN and a mother of a son with severe seizure disorder. I texted her with my results, and she called. She was able to explain some medical stuff in terms that I could understand. She helped me understand why the abuse is relevant, she explained how these surgeries go... she really did help put my mind at ease a bit.
I had to explain this to my daughter. I wanted to talk to one person about it all, but I had to wipe away the tears and pain on a smile... I had a wedding to go to, and my issues were not going to interfere with my friends daughters big day!
I know this is going to take a while for me to get thru. The decision to have or not to have surgery is not an easy one.
But for now... I am happy to have answers! I am thankful there is a way to treat it permanently. I am grateful for modern technology making this finally appear after years of 'normal' results. I am seeing a light that I never thought I would see! How amazing would it be if I could really go out and do some of those things on my bucket list without fear of having a seizure and killing myself!
Ya know what? LIFE IS AMAZING!