I was not raised in a religious home. My dad was raised Southern Baptist, my mother- Lutheran... I have a memory of being sent to some random church as a child, but my parents didn't go with us. We protested and never had to go again. that was it. The only time there was ever a prayer in my house was at the holidays if there was family visiting.
Growing up in Utah, there is a large majority of LDS (Mormons), and most of my childhood memories of these people are painful. I did go to primary a few times with my friends, but never really paid attention to the whole 'God' thing.
As I hit my early teens I started to get curious... home life was hell and I wanted a distraction, so I decided to start learning about God, Jesus, and various belief systems. Started by reading the Bible, then the Book of Mormon, the Quaran, there were a number of books! I attended services covering most beliefs, including Bhuddism. Then I sat down and started talking with my best friends mom... she is wiccan. And wow, the things she taught me, and the books I read from her shelves, made so much sense to me! So peaceful, so real! So that became the path I took... for a very long time.
When I was in prison, I've told this story in previous blogs, so I'll keep it short... I agreed to go to the chapel one Sunday for the non-denominational service. I honestly felt something, my entire attitude about God and Christianity changed- just that fast. In the back of my head tho, was everything I had learned and practiced for 20 years.
After a couple years I started seeing things thru my old eyes, maybe it was influence from the friends and sisters who are a part of that life, or maybe it was just me seeing things for what they really are. I returned to that life of a witch, more proud and practicing than ever before. Now that I look back, I wonder if it was pride or if I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to tell others I was proud.
In recent months, expecially this past month, I am starting to rethink everything! But feel a bit trapped as far as talking about it to anyone. I keep seeing things that tell me God is real, things that can't be explained by my pagan beliefs. Really, it is kind of scary.
Our weekend at the B&B I think was the beginning of the reality for me. Then this past weekend- our annual trip with the Wagstaff family. So much faith, trust in God, with this group of people. Normally, when there is a prayer said, a blessing given, I lower my head,listen, and wait for it to end... not this weekend. We had a group prayer for a dear friend who couldn't be there because of her health... I got goosebumps and tears. Our last morning there a nice gentleman came and asked to pray for our group... it hit me hard- it reminded me so much of the first time I 'found Jesus' when I was in prison. It was amazing... yet terrifying at the same time. I've been so confused, so lost for a few weeks... but I think this weekend made it clear where I belong.
I plan to pick up my bible in the next few days and do some reading, make some phone calls and talk some of this out. I don't want religion in my life, but I think it's time for me to let God back in.
A year ago my life was such a mess, I was not only falling apart health wise, but I was self destructing every other aspect of my life! How can things just turn around like they have? is it coincidence? I'm beginning to doubt that.Everything happens for a reason... that reason has to come from somewhere, right? There are still a lot of things I don't understand or agree with, but if I follow thru with this HUGE change in my ... existence, I will learn.
A dear friend of mine who has traveled the pagan path, the atheist path- just last week announced to everyone that she has become a Christian again! I admire that courage, and I think that is what brought me to actually put this out there for myself! So if you are reading this- thank you!
I'm sure my dear husband will read this before I am even awake tomorrow, I haven't even discussed this with him! I have constantly tried to disprove Christianity to him for the past 7ish years... Hunny, I love you!
Here's to new beginnings! this year has been so incredible and so full of change... I am truly happier than I have been in so very long!
No comments:
Post a Comment