Who Am I

Yesterday I was interviewed by a college student for one of her classes. It really got me thinking! I didn't have answers to some of her questions, things most people would be able to answer easily.
My past and my experiences have made me the person I am today. I no longer have 'family' as most people would define family. I don't celebrate holidays in any special way. I don't have traditions from my childhood that I have carried on. Kind of makes me feel like I am just existing. How does my family feel about these things? Am I neglecting them, keeping them from experiencing life to it's fullest?
When I chose to walk away from my family, I walked away from everything they represented, from the memories, from the things we did together. Altho most of those 'traditions' had died long before I left the family. Multiple marriages, I think, also has an impact on that. Each marriage, each family, that I became a part of, had their own traditions and way of doing things. I adapted to that, became comfortable and even enjoyed some of those. Then divorce happens, and those celebrations, and the people, are no longer a part of your life. Then eventually a new partner- with new family and new traditions.
I got tired, burned out, and actually cold to any of that. My own doing? Absolutely! Fair to my daughter and my current husband? No.
I have tried, but I have such terrible memories, that it is just too hard to open up and try to have positive experiences with some of these things. I have hopes that by the time I become a grandmother, that I will find it in myself to create memories and family traditions... I want my daughter to be able to tell her children about their first Christmas, about 'that one year at Easter.'
I am thankful that my daughters dads family still continues with many of the traditions from her childhood. Honestly, that family made me feel more a part of the family, than my own family ever did! And for years after our divorce, I was still a welcome, and expected, part of those family celebrations.
For years I didn't celebrate Christian holidays- which really, is the majority of our holidays. I celebrated for my daughter. Now, that I have accepted God and Jesus, maybe the holidays will be different... I still struggle with that, this is all kind of new to me and I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me in that aspect. But only time will tell. Maybe it's time I start some traditions, maybe it's time I give my family reason to enjoy the holidays and to look forward to specific times of year.
I don't ever want to be asked what defines me and not be able to answer. I don't want to be asked about tradition and family and shrug my shoulders. Just because I have had some really craptastic experiences in my life, and my family won't have anything to do with me... shouldn't stop me from being an incredible wife and mom and making life the best it can possibly be for all of us!
Who am I? I am a woman who has overcome more than I like to admit. I am a mom and a wife who would take a bullet for my family. I am passionate and caring. I have built walls that are due to be knocked down.