Merry Christmas!

I have struggled with Christmas over the years~ loved it as a kid, not so much in my teens. Then I had my little girl and Christmas was fun again. She grew up, learned Santa wasn't real- and I let the spirit in me die again. Then my two Christmases in prison really made it hard for me. I lost an uncle on Christmas day one year, money issues have always made me not so merry.
But this year... no, I didn't have the money to spend, and I still have a lot of those negative memories... but I found my holiday spirit! I have realized there is no reason I can't change my attitude and truly enjoy Christmas time.
I pulled some friends together to pay it forward and give a little girl I don't know a good Christmas- that was the start of it all! to see the smiles and tears on that moms face, and to feel the true appreciation from the family. I send Christmas cards, over 50 of them! I talked my husband into driving downtown to see the lights, I have always loved this time of year- why not show it?
Last night we went to my mom in laws for dinner and gift exchange, I realized this is my family, this is who matters in my life. Why do I torture myself over losing my 'real' family when this is all I really need? We had Kayla and Dallon with us, it was perfect.
I always tell myself, and others, that I do my best to leave the past in the past... but in reality- it hangs over my shoulder trying to destroy every day of my life. Not any more! I see how MY past has affected my family, not only myself. I won't do this anymore. Time to turn over a new leaf! Next Christmas will be amazing at the McCann house! And there will be no regrets!
Merry Christmas to all of you! Merry Christmas to all my friends and family, to all our military and veterans, Merry Christmas to those who have no one, or no place to go. Merry Christmas to everyone! 

Happy Holidays! I am actually in the Christmas spirit a little bit! Yesterday was my 7th anniversary... Holy cow! my first 4 marriages didn't even total this long! Our marriage is far from perfect, but what is important is that we love each other, and can get thru the hard times. Nothing major to cause us to split up, no drugs or cheating or anything illegal going on- so why wouldn't we fight to make it work? I'm tired of giving up, because that is really what I did with three of the first four.
Squirrel! Back to what I was saying... I was away over the weekend house sitting and getting my ME time in, and Troy had to work at midnight last night, so we weren't able to do anything for our anniversary. So we went out tonight~ Dinner at Ruby River, then driving downtown to see the Christmas lights. 

I even turned Christmas music on in the car and was singing along! I was having a great time! I may not be a big fan of the holidays, but I sure am enjoying it this year. All we need is a little snow!
Tonight as we were coming home, we had to stop for milk... my husband finally realized something really is wrong with me. I totally fell apart in the car crying in his arms. My short term memory has been going, I try to laugh it off as just being spacy or not mentioning things, he hasn't really noticed how bad it is. He has teased me and made jokes that I'm getting old or turning blonde... but tonight he saw it for what it really is. I'm scared, it has gotten that bad. But I am so thankful that he sees it now, I don't have to pretend nothing is wrong, he will understand if I ask him something five minutes after he already told me. It is important to me to have him know and understand what is wrong and what is going on with me, his support means the world to me. But it is so hard to admit to myself, let alone to him, when something serious comes up.
A lot of new and worsening health issues that I am very hopeful to get answers about in the next couple months. But even if I don't get answers, I have my family to support me thru it all. 2015 is going to be amazing, I know it is! I feel it, I see things falling into place and calming down. I believe there will be less death of friends and loved ones, there may be illness, but I believe everyone will be strong this upcoming year! I unfortunately have some energy telling me I will lose one person this year whose passing will devastate me, but I cannot dwell on that! I cannot let that linger in my head all year. Death is a part of the life cycle, and if someone goes, they are meant to.
Christmas for me this year consists of the 50+ cards I sent out, and hanging cards on my wall that we get. Christmas eve we will be spending with my mother in law for dinner and gifts. And I plan to make a nice Christmas morning breakfast for the four of us. Next year I am going to decorate the house! Probably not a tree, but I can still decorate!
I think I am rambling, maybe I should stop.
Merry Christmas everyone, I wish you all a safe and happy holiday week.

Death Pretty Much Sucks

So much death surrounding these holidays. Two days ago my ex husband, who I am still very good friends with, lost his wife to brain cancer. She was a breast cancer survivor and just a few months ago developed aggressive brain cancer that spread thru other parts of her body. Johnna leaves behind her loving husband and mother and two kids- Morgan who is in her last year of high school, and Van who is only 7. Then today, just less than an hour ago, one of our Gold Star sisters, lost the love of her life, her husband to a rare form of leukemia. Houston fought so hard and was so very strong. They had no children, but so many close family and friends. I can't imagine what she is going thru... first she loses her brother in the war, then her husband to cancer- I have to say she is one amazing woman to hold it together as well as she has.
Two friends have recently lost their mothers to age related deaths. This doesn't make it any easier to accept. Wonderful, loved people who lived a full life... they have been a part of the kids and grand kids lives for their lifetime, and now gone. It is all a expected, but not easy. I dread the day I get a call about my father.
Another friend of mine lost her dad a few weeks ago, and after a conversation I had with her last night- I am a little freaked out. Her parents had been married 49 years, same as mine. Her dad committed suicide. My first thought when I heard this, what in the world does a man of that age have to be that upset about to feel death is the option? Then I learned last night this was not his first try. As we talked about her parents I heard my own voice echoing in hers, our mothers are like the same person, her mother has driven her away just like mine has. She is a control freak just like mine. Her dad was that unhappy with his life and in his marriage, that he felt death was the only way out. This is so very sad, but I understand to some point. At that age, he was probably a believer in 'til death do us part,' not divorce. I bet he loved her, just didn't like her. I know my dad loves my mother, but I also don't think he is happy. Years ago he cheated on her and the separated... I prayed for a divorce! And I was barely a teenager at that time! I learned tonight that my dad is now volunteering at a hospice center- talking to people who have days or even hours left. Very wonderful thing he does, but my first thought was he would rather talk to strangers who are about to die, than spend time with his wife... how pathetic is that?! Do I think he would choose death over more time with her? I doubt it. But I'm sure that is what my friend thought of her dad as well. 
My heart aches for my friends who are feeling the pain of their losses. And I pray for peace and acceptance for them.
Cancer is an evil disease that has taken too many people from my life as well as from the lives of people I care about. I am grateful for the treatment and survival of many tho. Suicide is something not enough people understand. People are suffering, not just looking for an easy way out.
To any of you dealing with a loss right now~ love and light to you all. If you are contemplating suicide~ please talk to someone, find a different option.

It's All Worth It

It is days like today that remind me that all those other days are totally worth it! This is why I love my life and where I am and who I am!
It is December 7th, my daughter turned 23 today. Not a big celebration, she's all grown up and off with friends. But I look at her and see such an incredible young lady- I did that! Not alone, but I have a daughter who I am so very proud to call mine!
December 7th, I was outside playing frisbee with my dogs and doing yard work without a jacket! How awesome is that?!
Then I see something online that grabs my heart. A woman looking on internet yard sale pages to find Christmas gifts for her 4 year old. The little girl has never shown interest or understanding of Christmas until now, and her parents are struggling to give her a Christmas. How can I ignore this? I reached out to my friends... I have incredible friends! This little girl will have a wonderful first Christmas!
I also messaged the woman to make sure she didn't mind me doing this- I know some may be offended by the 'charity' of it. I honestly believe she was crying as she thanked me! Which brought tears to my eyes! That's what Christmas is about! It's not about getting expensive gifts, or any of that crap... it is a season of giving. I, as well as a large number of my friends, understand what it is like to be in that situation. And we all believe in paying it forward! I am truly blessed to have the friends I do! And to have the chance to help this family understand the true meaning of the season. I am not at all a big Christmas fan, but this, more than anything, gets me in the spirit! This little girl will have toys and clothes, and things to open under the tree! Yes, some may be used, but I will make sure there are new things as well! I love helping others, it is who I am, it is what makes me feel complete!
This topped off my day perfectly! I feel amazing right now!
Please, during this holiday season, find someone to do something nice for. Whether it is helping give a family a Christmas, or giving a homeless guy a cup of coffee, or even helping that little old lady to her car with her groceries. Pay it forward~ remember the reason for the season- it's about giving.
Bless you all!

I'm Sick... And I hate it

Yes, I am sick. I am sick all the time~ That is what chronic illness is. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel terrible. I do my best to hide it when I don't feel well- I hide it from my friends, and from my family- even my husband. I don't like people worrying about me and fussing over me. So I struggle thru the rough days with a smile on my face, not showing the pain. But then once in a while I mention I don't feel good... it's not anything new, it's the same everyday thing, I just happened to mention it. So on the rare occasion that I do make it known that I am not at the top of my game, I get treated like I'm sick. I don't want to be treated like that, I also don't want to be treated like nothing is wrong, tho. It is so hard to find a middle ground. I need people to understand that I never actually feel good, most days are not good and I need that to be recognized without sympathy, just understanding. Help me! And the days that are worse than others, support me. The good days, altho they seem to be getting less and less, I need to feel normal- as normal as possible, but I can't be expected to act normal every day. 
I have become a terrible house wife! I rarely cook, I clean as much as I can, I don't do much of anything anymore. Part illness, part depression. Depression is obviously worse because no one understands, and I have a difficult time communicating how I feel so that they can understand better. It is all so frustrating! I live with three people, my family, who are all very loving and caring- but none of whom understand or help me. I feel like I am the only one who is responsible for everything in this home. I sometimes feel guilty asking them to do things because they all have jobs, I am the one who is home all the time. But they are healthier than I am, on days I have things that need to get done but feel like I can't even get out of bed- like today- I just want people to understand that I don't feel well, and maybe someone just once do something without me asking them to. My daughter does once in a while, she has seen my decline over the years, and she has always been helpful because she and I did it alone for so long. My husband used to help me a lot with dinner and other things... not so much now. I don't know what has changed, I do know he works his ass off to support our family, and is very tired when he comes home. I feel so guilty and seriously think sometimes this family would be better off without me. There is so much about my life I am not happy with, I sometimes think if I just packed up and left Utah that maybe some of it would improve. But I love my family, and I know they love me. So I struggle thru the pain, and I struggle thru the things that make me unhappy to find those things that do make me happy! There really is plenty about my life that makes me happy, I shouldn't complain. Just another one of those days I guess. 
Today I felt bad that I didn't feel good, and I felt like my husband was irritated with me for not feeling good. That is so frustrating! It hurts and it makes me sad. I know he just cares and wants me to be ok. 
I wish I wasn't sick, I wish I could be the person he thought he married, I wish I could be the mom and wife and friend I want so badly to be again! I hate being sick! But it is who I am, and it isn't going to change. I would give anything to have my full health back for one year... to go do all things I miss doing~ hiking, swimming, working. Going out drinking and dancing. Driving and being independent. But that's not going to happen. 
I'm sick, that's who I am.

LIFE!

Isn't life amazing? I can go from miserable to happy and feeling so blessed in just a day! Even on my miserable days I know that I have a good life.

I have more than what I need to be happy! I have my freedom, I have my family, and I have a home and food. I have friends who care, I have better health than many.

Today is nothing special, I am just pondering what I have.

There are so many people who dwell on the negative. Focus on material things. They don't look at it the right way. I have seen on Facebook complaints that someone only has a $1000 budget for Christmas gifts for their kids... really? Some people are lucky to have money for one gift! Not enough money to feed everyone you invited to that party? Think of those who will be having turkey cold cuts for Christmas dinner! Had to work on Thanksgiving? I bet one of the many people who can't find work would have taken the job! Only make $9 an hour? Better than not having a job! You couldn't buy that $350 sweater? Bummer! What about the hundreds of people who don't have a winter coat? Have the flu? yeah, it sucks... but it will go away! Think of the 7 year old who was just told his mom has incurable cancer and will be dead before he turns 9! 21 years old and don't have a boyfriend? I promise, it's not the end of the world!

I am so tired of seeing stuff like this! I don't have money for a lot of things, but I have the things that I need, and that makes me happy. I have more than one chronic illness... but it's not terminal and it's not as bad as some illnesses are!

I see pain, real pain, all the time. I have friends who have lost loved ones and struggle every day. That mom who has cancer- that's a friend of mine. And these people all find a way to smile every day, to be thankful for what they have.

I truly believe you have to go thru hell to actually be able to see the blessings in what we have always taken advantage of.

I've been homeless, I've lost my freedom, I've been hungry and unemployed. I've had my family abandon me. And I have these illnesses. I know what it's like to struggle. No one promised life was easy... but our attitude and outlook changes how easy it is.

My first few months in prison I looked at everything in a terrible light... poor me! My life sucked! Then I met a couple people who helped me see things different. And I embraced every moment I was there, I learned from it, I helped others, I took advantage of every possible resource to keep a positive attitude! And the day I walked out of there, I honestly felt a little sad that the experience was over. But I entered my new life with an incredible fresh outlook... And was grateful for everyone and everything!

Society has become greedy, it is really sad. I hope everyone at some point in time, has to go thru a situation that puts them at the lowest of lows.

This is life. It is the life we were given, and the life we have chosen. Make the best of it and embrace what you have!

LOVE YOU LIFE!

DECEMBER IS HERE!!!

I Think I made some progress this year! I got thru the holiday with a lot of tears and no alcohol, but I really think progress has been made, and some attitude changes are taking place! I am hopeful for next year.

So December will be here in a couple hours, what a crazy month! I love it and hate it at the same time, but altho I can't make this month all my family deserves, I will do my best! I already have some holiday spirit seeping into my heart. A week from now I will be celebrating my daughter's 23rd birthday! I still see my sweet little girl, but I also see an amazing young lady that we have raised. Not just me, we. Her dad, her grandmother, her dad's second wife, Alan, there have been a number of people involved in Kayla turning out the way she has. I am a very proud mother, she truly is amazing. I just can't believe it has been 23 years! I remember every detail of the day she was born. Now she has a boyfriend living with her, she has a job and credit cards, she wears make up and worries about her outfit looking right... not that little girl anymore.

The following week~ my birthday. Then our anniversary- 7 years! Troy and I have had plenty of ups and downs, times we both have considered divorce, but we love each other and we fought thru those times. Things still are far from perfect, I don't know many couples who have a perfect marriage, but we will get thru these things... somehow, someday, we will! We love each other and want to be together. Didn't get married for the hell of it, got married because we wanted to be together for life. Our anniversary falls on Yule, the December holiday I choose to recognize.

Christmas is difficult with a family like ours. one day is set aside for Kayla to spend with her dad's family, one day with her boyfriend's family, and one day for us to spend with Troy's family. no, we don't take time for my parents. Maybe one day she will call and ask to see us. I can't afford to buy gifts, and I am not fond of receiving gifts. It kills me that my daughter doesn't get much from me with her birthday and Christmas coming up, I would give her the world if I could!

I have huge hopes for 2015! December is when I start looking to the coming year for change. Financial and health changes for all of us are my big focuses- I think they always are really. But as I look at where I have been and where I am and the road that I've been on... I don't like where things have gone but I have found the fork in the road to change it! To change a lot!

Whatever holiday you choose to recognize or celebrate this time of year... 

Happy December! Happy Bodhi Day. Happy Krampusnacht. Happy Saint Lucias Day. Happy Pancha Ganapati. Happy Saturnalia. Blessed Yule. Happy Zamenhof Day. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Chalica. Happy Sadeh. Happy Haukkah. Happy Maslenitsa. And HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL!!!   

Thanksgiving 2014

When a person says they don't do the holidays, what is so hard for others to understand about that? To respect that? All I ask is one day... no, I woke up this morning to a dozen text messages! Lovely, already a craptastic day- remind me what day it is! UGH!
So other than that, I start out with coffee and football, just a normal weekend morning. Kids had plans, so they got ready and left- and had a wonderful day with Dallons family.
Then my husband starts dinner. He was determined to have turkey and mashed potatoes, and get me to have some. He mentioned it a few times over the past couple weeks and all I did was tell him I was not interested but if thats what he wanted to do, fine. I tried to get him to go with his family, no. He wanted to be with me, he wanted to try to make this day better for me.
So after watching him peel one potato, I stepped in and helped with that. Then I left it all to him. I really wanted nothing to do with any of this. It was killing me just to see him making a fake thanksgiving dinner. It tore me apart to see that box of something they tried to say resembled turkey... looked like meat loaf to me. I can't accept that, if you are going to have a feast- make it a real feast. Honestly, I think that meat was what pushed me over the edge today. Silly, right?
So he gets everything fixed and asks me how much meat I want... and he was so angry when I said none. THIS is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I fell apart, I cried thru eating my potatoes and I went to bed and totally lost it! 
My husband loves me more than anything, and just wants to make me happy, and I love and appreciate every bit of it. But by trying to help, he made things worse- for both of us. After we talked I think he finally understands that, and I hope next year he will remember the things we talked about and allow me to just be alone next year. I really think if I can have just one year all to myself, not having to eat, not having to fake smiles, not having to pretend I'm ok... I really think that will help me to move on. I want more than anything to be happy, and enjoy the holidays, make memories with my family. I just can't right now!
it has been 9 years... my first meal I remember being served in prison was Thanksgiving dinner... I remember eating a small dish of fruit and looking at the rest and wanting to be sick. The turkey resembled what my husband bought for today, the potatoes were like wallpaper paste and the gravy was brown water. There was a roll, and of course the little pouch of milk. My room mate was happy to eat it all for me, while I sat on my bunk curled up crying the entire day. I was still so numb to everything that had happened the previous week, I was honestly thinking I would not survive. And what the hell did I have to be thankful for that year?
Today I am thankful for a lot! I am thankful for that experience for one! I know my life is in a good place right now and I have so many blessings. I have no regrets of that past, but that doesn't mean there is no pain. I feel like there is no place I belong, no where I feel I can really be myself during the holidays. My inlaws love me and are wonderful to me, but I am not comfortable there, my husband isn't even comfortable around them... at least it seems that way. I have no family, I made that choice and no one challenged it. No phone call or email saying 'we love you, come be part of the family.'  My family is my husband and kids... my daughter and her boyfriend. There was a point in time I had my chosen family that I spent times like this with, I don't even hear from them anymore...
Wow, sounds like a pity party here, doesn't it? Not at all what I intended! Yeah, it hurts to feel unwanted and not cared about by the people I always thought would be there. But I do still have the people who matter the most- Troy and Kayla. They are my life. And I love them!
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and all your travels were safe. Now lets get on to December... crazy month around here, and I don't even celebrate Christmas!

Emptying My Head

Depression sucks. Pain sucks. But considering everything, I am really staying fairly upbeat! I have kept myself as busy as I can doing things around the house... altho I end up hurting worse by the end of the day and having to take a nap because of the fatigue I always have. But cleaning and hanging pictures and still unpacking here and there... is such a helpful distraction! And of course crocheting!

A dear friend has invited me to go stay with her tomorrow night and spend Wednesday with her~ girl time, me time... away from home, away from the dogs that wake me up all thru the night, away from my sweet husband who I really feel is in need of a break from me. I always miss my family and my pets when I go away, but I really need this time! I need someone I can talk to, trust, who can help me with a few things... and she is that person. I used to have my sister for these things, but she and I have kind of grown apart recently and I don't feel I can turn to her right now. I know that will all change, she and I have gone thru this before... but I love her and we always come back to each other.

Anyway, a day of forgetting what is causing some of this depression, or maybe a day of talking about it- either way I should have some answers or at least feel a little better. A good night sleep, a relaxing bath and some tea... it will be heaven!

I will come home Wednesday to my family with a smile on my face. It is so hard for me to communicate to my friends and family what is truly going on in my head and heart. My daughter understands pretty well, she has been there thru so much, seen the things I have gone thru. Troy does his best to be compassionate and understanding, but so much is too hard for me to explain and I can't expect him to read my mind. Maybe we need to spend more time really talking when I get in these phases. I know he loves me, I know he would take away all the hurt if he could. 

My daughter has a scope tomorrow, we are still trying to determine what is going on with her stomach. I really hope this finds something- gives us some kind of answers! It kills me to see her suffering, it is as frustrating for me as it is for her I think... she tries to eat, and after just a couple bites she is having pains- no matter what she eats! I really just hope she feels ok for Thanksgiving, I would hate for her not to be able to enjoy all that wonderful food.

I can't wait for this week to be over! Then I can focus on important things... our insurance and other benefits paperwork, my letter and Kaylas speech to the Board of Pardons for the upcoming parole hearing, and dealing with December. Depression seems to lift a little in December, some fabulous things have happened in December. But it is still not a great month. I just want summer to get here! Or I want my Jennifer to come visit. Maybe then I will feel more complete and this depression will lift for good!

THANXGIVING BLESSINGS TO ALL 

turkey day

It is Sunday night, been a really rough week with an even rougher week to come with Thanksgiving this week.
I am so happy that my daughter will be joining her boyfriend at his familys gathering on turkey day, then she has her big family Thanksgiving on Saturday with her dad's family. They always have an amazing time! Troy's mom is going to Logan to spend the holiday with my brother-in-law and his wife and kids. So it's just Troy and I. UGH! I thought I would be happy about that, but this is even worse. I feel bad for my husband that I absolutely hate that day and want nothing to do with it. He asked about making a turkey roast and some potatoes and stuffing... and he will cook it. Honestly, I'm gonna fall apart. His brother called tonight asking if we would like to join them... I have been telling Troy to go with his mom, but he doesn't want to. He would rather be here, miserable, with me- than enjoying a good home cooked feast and time with his family. Truth? I don't think he gets how truly difficult this is for me. I don't want him to hang out with me- that makes me feel even worse! Like I am the reason he isn't doing what people should do on that day. Why should he be stuck home with a drunk, crying, miserable wife? I hate that I feel I have changed his traditions and happiness... just because I don't like things like this? I really prefer just being alone, but he wants to be with me. I get that he loves me and wants to support me, but I really just want to be by myself. One day I swear these feelings and attitude will change, but I have fought it and done my best to put on a smile and hide the tears every year so our family could enjoy this day without my issues... Why can't I have just one year? One day to let the tears flow, let the memories and past escape and maybe, just maybe get out of my system! I want more than anything for my husband to have the Thanksgiving he wants and deserves... but is a day at home with a wreck of a wife how he wants it? A turkey roast and stove top stuffing? That right there brings me to tears! That isn't Thanksgiving- that's depressing! I have my image of the ideal Thanksgiving, family or friends, lots of food, smiles... doesn't sound too difficult, right? 
In other news... my daughter has a test on Tuesday that will hopefully give us some answers and step in the right direction to getting her treated and feeling better! Troy was sick earlier this week, stayed in bed for a couple days. And me? well, same old same old... zero energy, a lot of aches and pain, too many seizures- actually this week, since my last grand mal- I've had probably less than 20 total seizures, which is amazing compared to what I have been dealing with! Making good use of my beautiful new cane, the arthritis goes back and forth from left knee to right. Tendinitis in my wrist has had me in tears a few times the past few days. 
This seems to be a fairly negative post, but really, I am happy with my life, and I am thankful for things in my life. I have a wonderful husband who treats me better than I sometimes deserve, I have the most incredible daughter a woman could ask for, and a son in law (at least I see him as that) who is an amazing help to me.
Thanksgiving blessings to everyone. I wish you all safe travels and wonderful times!

9 Years- part 2~ Beginning of Hell

This is the most difficult week for me, from yesterday until Thanksgiving (which in 2005 was the 24th). 
November 16~ the last time I saw my baby. The last time I heard her voice, held her, told her I loved her. The last time she called me mommy, I saw that chubby smile, touched her amazing hair. That night I had no idea it would be the last, I think that is why it is so hard for me to get past. I had plans to see her again just a few days later! No one told me what would happen in the next couple days, or months! Would it have been easier to know? To see her that last time and tell her goodbye? Knowing it would be the last time I would see her, be called mommy? Probably not, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that last visit. But now I am left with this emptiness... a non-closure of sorts. The difference tho, between me and say someone who has lost a child to death- I know where my girl is, I know she will be in my life again one day, I know she is happy and healthy... and that is what truly matters to me.
November 18, 2005... 8 am~ heading to court with my brother and my boyfriend, discussing the what ifs. Planning for just in case. All the hell I had been thru over the previous months came down to this. 9 am~ Meeting with my lawyer and being told the good news of the sentencing recommendations and the DA, being assured all would be ok. 10 am~ Sitting in the court room feeling wonderful! Thinking this will all be over in just a few minutes, I can go home and get my baby back and start the battle of getting my other daughter back! Listening to that judge started making me a bit nervous, he was quite the jerk!
My name is called, my turn. It's ok, I have talked to the DA, I've seen the sentencing report, relax! WOW! Really? This judge made me feel an inch tall! He did not look at anything but what he wanted to see! He had his own opinion of me without having any clue! He ignored the sentencing recommendation, he even told the DA to be quiet when she tried to argue against his sentence! I heard the words, but they didn't connect... until I heard my mother cry out behind me. Did he just say prison? I collapsed to the floor. As they helped me up I turned to look at my brother- he was holding my mother and motioned to me he would help her. They cuffed me and led me away... what the hell just happened? Where is my lawyer? I want to talk to someone! I need my meds! I started hyperventilating, crying hysterically... I was terrified!
I sat in some little room behind the courtroom for who knows how long, everything from that point on was a total fog for a few days. They took me to a holding cell, there were a couple other girls there- obviously NOT the kind of people I was used to being around. One of the girls explained to me what was going on, the 'routine' for her, I guess. The rest of the day in this holding cell then off to the jail... "No, they told me prison," "not til Tuesday, they only do prison transfers on Tuesdays."
Later that day I was taken to a van, along with four or five other girls, and transported to the jail. That was the beginning of hell. 

9 Years...

My goodness, has it been that long? I so dislike this month!

 Nine years (and 4 days) ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer. I have some wonderful memories with Pam, but I also have those last hours embedded in my mind. I will never forget the late night phone call telling me it was time to come say my good byes, she she wouldn't make it another 10 hours. Pam was a mom, a best friend, a cooking teacher, she was so many things to me... and I miss her so much! I have to say, tho, I am glad she passed when she did~ because a week after her memorial I was in front of a judge being told I no longer had my freedom. I was blessed to be able to be there during her last days, and to mourn with other friends. I can still see her smile when she got to hold my little Echo just minutes after she was born, I can still hear her laugh and remember some of the talks we used to have. I have had the joy of becoming very good friends with her daughter Maria, she's my sis!

Nine years ago this week was the last time I saw my baby girl. Echo was a year and a half old, in foster care with a couple who would eventually become her parents. I saw her a few days before that dreadful day I stepped in front of that judge... I miss that little girl with everything I have in me, I think of her every day. I know she is happy and healthy, and that matters more to me than any 'poor me' thoughts I might have. I know one day I will have her in my life again... But nine years is such a long time to not hear your own childs voice, see her smile in person, touch her face or hair...

Nine long years since so many things in my life changed- no, my life itself changed! it was truly the end of one book and the beginning of another. Not chapters, books. I don't regret any of the things that happened, much was beyond my control- so how would I regret those? Others were by my own choices and every choice leads us to something that is meant to be- whether it is meant for us, or meant for someone else, it is meant to happen that way. How can I regret choices made that resulted in other peoples happiness? I hurt and I struggle, but no regrets!

I am trying to locate photos, but I am on the wrong computer. As the month goes on, and the tears continue, I will try to share these wonderful memories, these amazing people.

November...

My least favorite month of the year. So many bad things in my life happened in November, so many memories of good times long gone. So far I am doing pretty well, none of those things have seeped into my mind yet, but it's just a matter of time. I think because of the move and how busy I have been keeping myself with doctors and unpacking and everything else~ my mind just hasn't had a chance to realize November really is here. It will hit probably next week... and then I will want to disappear into the bottom of a bottle. No, it doesn't help, but it seems to be the only way I deal with it all... alcohol and lots of tears... and my wonderful family helping me, supporting me, loving me.
I had an MRI on my knee, nothing there. Turns out it is just arthritis and I get to live with the pain, take ibuprofen or whatever other method of pain control I choose. A sweet friend from PGR is making me a custom cane out of rose wood and a crystal ball for the handle, I am really excited to see it! And I will have that help walking when the knee decides to not cooperate with me.
I meet my new neurologist tomorrow, I really excited about that! I know there will be a lot of testing that will need to be done for her, but it will all be worth it! I am hopeful for possible medication changes, and the possibility of  getting a hysterectomy to cure my seizures is a huge hope with a new doctor! Fresh eyes and ears, female, younger... what could go wrong with this?
My family doctor has me on a bunch of supplements that seemed to be working in the beginning, but not so much anymore, I am back to feeling miserable more days than I feel good. I plan to talk with the neurologist about these issues as well, see if she has any thoughts.
We are slowly getting Kayla's stomach issues dealt with... or at least ruling things out. She is being scheduled for a scope in hopes the doctor can see something that will explain her symptoms.
See- way to busy to worry about how much I dislike this month! 
In addition, I am really pushing Epilepsy awareness month and making sure people are a little more educated than they were. One of my biggest fears is having a seizure in a place full of strangers and no one knows what to do... a big part of the reason I never leave home alone.
I decided December will be good for a house warming party, I should be done unpacking and getting things settled by then. Honestly, not a big fan of December either, but an open house for our friends to come say HI, see where we live, etc... will keep my mind busy.
We are settling in nicely, finally got a new stove that works great, got some shelves to store things. Still unpacking a few things a day when I feel up to it. Today I finally found a box I had been searching for since the day after we moved in! Seriously, I thought it had gotten thrown out or left behind or something! I've never been so happy to see a box of socks and bras! My husband and I have different ideas about our future in this house, I like it, I want to make it home, long term. A few little things here and there and it will be like our own. Give us a few years to get stable and get some things paid off and our credit improved. I'm in no rush to move again!
Well, I have dogs bugging me to go outside, so enough of me just airing what's on my mind.

More On Epilepsy

So here is my second post about Epilepsy. Have you ever been around when someone had a seizure? There are a lot of things people say to do, but don't! Get the right info or you could really hurt someone! 
~ Never put anything in the mouth. No, I won't swallow my tongue, and no I won't bite it off! I will very likely bite my tongue, but not to that point. A person could actually damage teeth or have the tongue shoved back to block the throat if something were put in the mouth.
~ Don't restrain me. Holding a person down can cause torn muscles. When I have a seizure every muscle in my body gets super strength and does what it wants, if someone tries to stop that, those muscles will be damaged, and I will be in more pain than I already appear to be in.
~ The only time you should even touch a person having a seizure is to block them from hitting something they could get hurt on.
~ Everyone is different, but I feel better if someone is speaking to me, just telling me to not fight it and it will be over soon... just so I know someone is there and that I will be ok. I've had thousands of seizures, but it is still something I dread, and I fear being alone when they happen.
~ After a seizure is over, two things you should have for someone- water and a blanket. I don't like water, but after my seizures I am so dehydrated and water tastes amazing! And I am always cold, toss a blanket or jacket over me.
~ Don't force a person to hurry to get up after a seizure. What we just went thru drains us physically more than anything you will ever experience. Many people will sleep for a half hour, I prefer to at least be woken up a few minutes later just to be checked on. But allow me to lay there, and get up in my own time. There is a good chance I have a bump on my head or some other injury, and I need to kind of self assess before jumping up and trying to get back to whatever it was I was doing. Just talk to me, let me gather myself. A lot of times my memory is shot and I don't understand where I am or even what day it is... after a few minutes all that comes back to me.
It is not always mandatory to call 911. Most public places have a policy about it, just for their own liability. But it really is not always necessary. Grab my phone, call one of my ICE contacts.
Even with medication, epilepsy cannot be cured or even controlled as much as we would like. There are over a million people in this country who have uncontrolled seizures. I take my meds, but they don't really help much. I'm sure if I didn't take them my seizures would be much more often and out of control. Currently I take 2 medications- somewhat high dose, I have big seizures that knock me unconscious about once or twice a month, major seizures that I stay awake thru almost weekly, and other various strengths and types of seizures every day- many that are so minor no one around me notices them.
One day I hope to have better control over this disease, getting old and having seizures scares me. But it is something I have dealt with for over 30 years, and I am sure I will deal with for another 30! 

Epilepsy Awareness Month

I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 17. I had been having seizures for about 3 years, but always in my sleep, never witnessed, so they went untreated and undiagnosed. All I knew at the time was something had happened in my sleep and I felt like crap! Then I started having other types of seizures, but I just hid it from my parents... until that day. The day I finally had a seizure during the day, in a public place. 30 years I have been dealing with this disease! I can go up to 2 years without a single seizure, then there are times I can't go 6 hours! It used to be predictable, not now, now they just happen. I am terrified of the future- my future with this disease. I have given myself black eyes, cuts, bumps on my head, a number of injuries over the years... I am getting close to 50- I am getting to a point that I could seriously hurt myself during a seizure.
With epilepsy awareness month, I realize not a lot of people understand the disease, and even worse, have no idea how to respond if someone has a seizure. So I decided to share some information...
Some basic triggers for seizures? Sleep Deprivation. Yes, I have insomnia and it doesn't help my situation at all! Hormones. When I first started having seizures, I could set my calendar by them... day before my cycle- every month. And pregnancy? Just as a womans hormones are crazy uncontrollable- so are the seizures! They also say menopause- I'm not looking forward to that! I am actually meeting with a new neurologist this week and will be discussing a hysterectomy with her, as there is evidence it can help eliminate or reduce seizure activity in women. They say Drug and Alcohol use, but I honestly don't believe that. I have a friend with seizures... his wife hands him a beer each time he feels one coming on, and it helps stop that. As for the drugs, I do not condone drug use, but there was a time in my life that I was kind of a heavy user... and during that time- not once did I have a seizure. Once I stopped with the drugs, the seizures started again. Doesn't make sense, but I can assure you, I am done with drugs other than the meds my doctor gives me! Emotional stress. Low blood sugar. The stress is a for sure thing, blood sugar could be a problem for some, not me.Bright lights. Strobes, lasers, flashing lights, yes, they do bother me! I havent' been to an indoor concert in years because of my fear of seizing. My daughter once yelles at a cop to turn off his lights because the flashing red and blues would put me in a seizure. Things that trigger me personally? Well, loud sudden noises, anything that surprises me from a noise to stubbing my toe or stepping in a pot hole! Even getting hit by a bug while on the motorcycle. Yeah, all of these things have put me into seizures. I can't go to haunted houses because people sneaking up on me would send me over. Hormones are still a problem. And sometimes there is no trigger, they just happen!

Tomorrow I will share some pointers on what to do if you see someone seizing.

For today, this is all. Wear purple, support Epilepsy Awareness. Tell your employer to have a first aide class including seizure training!

Frustration

So we got into the new house... But I have hardly done any unpacking yet! I have boxes everywhere, can't find things, and worst of all- I can't cook! As I clean, I find more that needs to be cleaned, as I put things away, I find more that needs to be cleaned. The land lady said she had a cleaning crew in here... I should have taken pictures of the filth for her to have when she refuses to pay the cleaners! I have scrubbed and scrubbed and have more scrubbing to do! 
I was so excited that I had finally found my pots and pans and could cook for my family- first time in over a week! As I begin to fix dinner, I realize we only have one large burner on the stove... and it doesn't work! So I move my large pan to a small burner and realize the burner is filthy. I take off the burner to scrub it and notice under the stovetop... make me ill just to look at it! I put my planned dinner in the fridge and took my family to dinner! I cleaned the stove for about an hour after we got home... wondering if there is any point! If the only burner I use doesn't work, and over an hour of cleaning can't get it even close to clean- maybe I can talk them into a new stove! Keeping my fingers crossed for that! Land lady is out of town and unreachable until Tuesday, but I will be seeing the handy man probably tomorrow... as I have a couple things that need to be fixed. Yes, that is another issue I am finding as I clean and unpack- broken or failing cabinets and drawers. Frustrated!
Then to add to my frustration I feel like I am the only person doing any of this. Troy is at work all day, Kayla is trying to get downstairs taken care of, Dallon works and helps Kayla downstairs... so that leaves me to deal with this all. And all I hear is where is this, I can't find that, this needs to get done, this is such a mess... it seriously makes me want to cry and tell everyone to do it themselves! I am doing the best I can! I'm doing it alone, not in the best of health, in conditions way worse than expected. I feel guilty for needing to rest or nap, I feel guilty for even sitting when I see so much that needs to be done!
I know, I am the one who is always home, no job, the one expected to do the house work. But this is more than house work, it was the family moving, the family should be doing this, at least some of it!
I should be so happy right now, but I'm not... I am frustrated and irritated, sad and feeling guilty and like I'm failing my family. Yes, I am happy to be in our own home, away from the stress and tension and feeling like I had to live up to someone elses expectations. Away from room mates and sociopathic pregnant chicks who my family was afraid of. In a place where my dogs can play and bark and I don't have to keep them quiet.
I miss having a clean and sanitary kitchen, but I have to keep a positive attitude! Things will all come together and I will be ok. Just stressed and frustrated and having some anxiety over all this.
When I owned a cleaning company I knew the basics, I knew the standard that was expected... and I really thought maybe this cleaning crew was just a bunch of slackers. No, they didn't do a thing- I'd be surprised if they even came in the house! I would have fired people like that.
I am seriously expecting another couple weeks before I am all done and can settle down and be comfortable and relax and not see boxes everywhere I look! That frustrates me too... I like to be able to get moved and unpacked within a week!
Well, sorry for the negativity tonight, just down about all this.
On the positive side, I have gotten a lot done! We have bought some shelves and rugs, we got a snow shovel and rake. I am slowly figuring out where things can fit and what works best for the things I have been able to put away. And I am getting boxes in the proper rooms. Yes, there is quite a bit of progress, I need to focus more on that than what happened today. 
The dogs are now familiar with the house and yard, altho they are still exploring every inch of the yard, and the cats seems to be doing a lot better. The house has a lot of new sounds the animals are not familiar with, but they will learn. We live on a major road, so there is a lot of noise from the street that gets the dogs riled up, and more people walking and riding bikes, hopefully this will help the dogs get used to people and they won't bark as much every time someone goes by! But for now, there is a lot more barking! But I know I am safe with my dogs barking at strangers! And that makes me happy!
Just a reminder... October is breast cancer awareness month~ I have lost an aunt to breast cancer, I have one friend who is getting close to a year cancer free, one friend who recently started treatment, and someone who means a lot to me has a wife who survived breast cancer 4 years ago, and is now battling brain cancer. Please get checked or have your loved ones checked. If it is caught early, it can be treated!
Two weeks til Halloween, or Samhain for those of us who celebrate the pagan holidays. I am excited for both! Due to moving, I was not able to decorate this year, but next year will be incredible! I do have a costume of course- a new witch every year! I hope to get pics done this year like I did two years ago!
Have a blessed day or night or where ever you may be on the clock!

Home!

We are in the new house! I don't have pictures yet, but I will! What an amazing feeling to finally have our own space! The place is a disaster, of course, but it is ours and only ours. We had incredible help getting moved and were pretty much done by 2 in the afternoon Saturday. Troy's back survived, but Kayla's ankle didn't. had to call her doctor today for that. And my knee didn't! It started bothering me while we were loading up, and just into unloading here- it blew and I was done doing anything! By the time I went to bed totally exhausted, I was in too much pain to even sleep. I iced it, I even took Ibuprofen- which I never do! Sunday I stayed off it, used crutches when we ran some errands. And by last night I could finally walk on it a little. Today it was much better!
Kayla and I have actually gotten a lot of unpacking done, but you can hardly tell! The space we have for kitchen and bath type storage is less than half what we had before... so we need to find ways to make room for a lot of things! And cleaning? Oh My Goddess! Our land lady actually paid someone to do... nothing! Kayla and I have done more cleaning, basic stuff that residential cleaners would normally do, than we have unpacking! And I have more cleaning to do before I can finish unpacking. Very frustrating! Even when the land lady came by Saturday she was furious about the cleaning. The previous tenants were refugees and didn't keep house very well, that along with the painters and the pest control (yes, the previous tenants had roaches), I have to clean everything! The cleaners honestly I don't think touched a thing! I used to do that for a living, I know what is expected and what is acceptable in a rental. And the condition of this place- not acceptable at all! I feel like telling my land lady I want to be paid for the time I am putting in cleaning!
The cats are struggling to adjust, but doing better than they were the first night! My dogs are curious of everything! New smells, new sounds, new layout. We have tile thru most of the upstairs other than the bedrooms, so the sounds are much different! They are still exploring the yard every time they go outside. They love that there are apples all over the ground! They both have stayed very close to me, unsure I think. At least they have the sofa and the bed and a few familiar things!
We met our next door neighbor as we were moving in. Wonderful lady named Sue. She was super friendly, even brought us a bundt cake when she returned from the store! As she was leaving she said "thank you lord for giving me normal neighbors!" And I was thinking... normal? I have rainbow hair and she is calling me normal? As we talked I found I am really going to enjoy her, and her husband- who I have yet to meet. She and her husband both have Harleys and love to ride, they have lived here over 25 years, she is so sweet, and I could probably spend all day talking with her! 
I am hoping to live here a while, five years? There is a lot of work to do, improvements that can be made, but it is home! And the more fixing and improving we do, the more homey it will feel! I have a really good feeling about this place, and about my family finally being able to be ourselves! I can't wait to have more visitors and be as loud as we want and do what we want! And just relax. There is zero tension, no bad energy. I did a blessing on the house before anyone started moving things in, the broom has yet to be hung, but it is near the door. I started to set up my altar today, but realized some of my items had been packed in a different box. We have the living room mostly set up, the bedrooms for the most part. the three spare rooms are a disaster and my dining table is hidden by boxes... on it and around it!
All that matters is that we are here and together. The rest will come together.
We are home.

Couple Things On My Mind

A couple things to write about tonight, so bear with me.
First- Things are perfectly falling into place for our move! Packing is moving along well, a plan to get things in the garage Friday to make things go smoother Saturday. Did I mention Troy's work is letting him take a big truck with a lift gate to help with the move! All the utilities are taken care of, we will pay the rent and get the keys on Friday! I am stoked! Things are staying peaceful here and the friendship with Cory is being maintained, which is really important to me! The house was finished today, I believe... Carpet cleaners were there. I have plenty more packing to do, but really, we are about there! My only concern is having enough muscle help to do this move. Troy has a bad back, I am not the healthiest, a number of our friends have back or shoulder trouble... yes, we are getting old! And moving day is the same day as the service for one of our PGR members who passed last week, and the breast cancer walk is that day as well! Really thankful for the people I know will be here!
We have had a couple people mention they would like to rent a room from us... currently our only answer is NO! We are really in need of our own space, uninterrupted space! MAYBE after a few months, if we really need the financial help, we might consider it, but not at this point. 
Secondly- just a short rant about the idiots battling the gay marriage issue! Whether a person feels it is right or wrong, the law has spoken... yet government offices are still denying these people their rights! A gay friend who married for that short couple of days back in December, attempted today to get his name legally changed with social security. They refused! This was not his first attempt, but because of the ruling this week, he chose to try again. He called the governors office and was told his marriage license was made invalid after the marriage ban was put back into effect- is that even legal? The county clerks office did not know of the governors statement until this friend called them, they were not happy about it! This friend is rightfully on a rampage! He has contacted the main SS office, national news media, and will be on our local news in about 20 minutes! He is standing up for what so many people in this country will be running into... and he refuses to stop until he is behind bars or has what he wants! And I stand behind him 100%! Not a lot of LGBT couples change their name when they wed, but they should be able to if they choose to! This isn't about gay rights anymore, they have been given the right to marry... it's just about jerk politicians! Also on this subject, 2 of the five states who had their appeal shot down to ban marriage equality, have chosen to ignore that ruling! The governors are openly ignoring it... is this contempt? Can they serve time for that? The one governor said this is not a federal issue, it is a state by state issue, therefor he will not follow the ruling. My thought on this- isn't HE the one who made it a federal issue by taking it to federal  appeals court? I am so fed up with politicians, especially politicians who drag religion into politics! And this really shouldn't even be a political issue!

Last, I think, I am happy to report that I have been feeling much better the past couple days! I am sure it won't be permanent, but I hope it lasts thru the move and organizing the new house! However, I have a couple friends, people I care very much about, who are not doing well. And it hurts to see them sick and hurting. I would rather be sick like I was for the rest of my life than to see my loved one suffering like they are. I know I can't fix it, I can't take away their suffering, but I include them in my daily rituals and prayers.
2 days 7 hours 4 minutes until we have the moving truck!
)O( BLESSED BE

It's Life

I recently joined a support page on Facebook for people with epilepsy. For the most part it has been a wonderful group! Supportive people who understand each other, informative, and really nice to just be able to chat about our day to day lives and how we managed to get where we are now with this disease.
Then every once in a while a person pops in with a whiny poor me attitude. Really? We have all been there! Your situation isn't any more sad than mine! Change your attitude and don't bring the rest of the group down! We are there for support, but this last gal was totally just sounding suicidal and looking for pity. Honestly, I feel that if a person thinks their life is so miserable they would rather be dead- then do it. Cold hearted? maybe, But I don't have time for that crap. She thinks she is so bad off because her seizures, she can't work, she has no social life... whah! At least she has her mother there to help her thru seizures, at least she has a warm bed at night and food and meds! There are so many homeless people with serious illnesses who don't have anyone, no roof over their head, no 3 meals a day, no meds to help treat the problems. Do they complain constantly? People are so greedy! Be thankful for what you do have! I have been thru hell and back, all while dealing with this diesease... yes, I get a little down at times about ways my life has been affected, but I don't dwell on it and tell myself I'd be better off dead! I have so much to live for! There are people out there with much bigger problems than just epilepsy, and I see them making the most of every minute they have! That is how I want to be remembered! I don't want people to say "oh she was so depressed over her illness, she had no quality of life." That isn't who I am.
This is life, no one has it pain free. Everyone has something to deal with... a chronic illness, blindness, amputee, thousands of things out there! And some people deal with multiple problems. I have a dear friend who has a glass eye, hearing in only one ear, walks with 2 canes due to massive injuries to his legs and body, he doesn't have a functional bladder, the list of his "problems" is endless! And even with all that, he has a huge smile on his face every day, has amazing words of wisdom to give, he rock climbs, has a special bicycle built for him, has gone paragliding... he makes a point to attend every event he can. Feel sorry for himself? Hell no!
This is life. Make it what you want- it is your choice. Do not allow your illnesses to control you... you control your illness!
LOVE & LIGHT

Getting Past The Past

I do my best to live in the now, and keep the past in the past. Sometimes this is easier said than done. The past has made me who I am, the past has memories that can't be forgotten, people who won't be forgotten, and experiences that shouldn't be forgotten. My 'life after the past' must include the past for it to be the life it is now.
Once in a while I am reminded of some of these things... I see someone I grew up with, I am reminded of a vacation I went on with my family, or something comes up in conversation about something I have been thru personally. I can't just pretend those things never happened, I want my experiences to be a part of who I am, and how I can help people.
I was reminded recently of the domestic violence I experienced at the hand of my first husband- I had to speak out and show my understanding and support for this woman when everyone else criticized her choices.
I have had a couple things come up- one on both sides of the fence, about women in prison... I'm innocent, I did nothing wrong! Really? I've come across these people, I've talked to them, heard their story then read the media side of the story. People lie! Then there are those who say I did this and I did that, when all they really did was something small. Why? well, they all have a different story, their own reason for saying what they do. Try playing truth or dare with a bunch of felons! Sometimes I would like to put that 15 months of my past out of my mind... then I think- no, I cherish those memories, and the education I got from these women. I studied psychology my first attempt at college, I could read these people and understand (somewhat) who they were and why they did what they did- or why they deny their guilt.
You never understand another persons choices or actions until you have been in their shoes, or spent an incredible amount of time listening to their stories. And that brings their past into their present. My past helps me keep an open mind, helps me be more understanding, and helps me be me. There are things in my past I am not proud of, but I will never regret those choices, nor will I lie and claim I never did them!
I guess what I am saying is I don't really want to get past my past, but I am living this life as a result of my past... and I am happy with it!

Welcoming October

I'm really struggling with October being here already, I would normally have Halloween decor up, but not this year... we are moving in less than week. That- I am so excited about! I am going to miss a lot about this place, but it will be nice to be away from the things we don't like, and to have our own space.
Welcomed in October different than usual... We normally do a ride this first weekend- the Breast Cancer Ride was yesterday. Instead, we went to watch Kacey play football, then last night went to an end of summer bbq. Very nice, relaxing day. Today we dropped Sadie at the vet for a few hours and took Roxy to play with Pilot. Roxy has so much energy and could probably just run forever if we let her! She and Pilot are perfect playmates. It was good to visit with my best friend for a bit while the dogs played. After we picked Sadie up, we just watched football the rest of the day, Sadie is still pretty much out of it, so it has been a quiet day. Overall a very nice weekend.
I'm getting more and more frustrated about my health. I thought once I started getting answers, and treatments that I would feel better about things. Not happening! I got answers- some so far. I am taking the pills the doctor told me to take, I am working on my eating and nutritional changes that my nutritionist is telling me to do... and I still feel like crap much of the time! What am I doing wrong? Or what do we need to test next? I know it can't all be fixed over night, but seriously- it's been close to a month! I do have days where I don't feel bad at all, and less days of feeling really terrible. the past couple days tho- vertigo. I haven't had that since my stroke! I am doing my best not to complain to my family and let them know how upset this all makes me, and how sick I feel most of the time. But then I know they get irritated when I want to go home, or take a nap if I don't let them know this is why. 
I am really hoping after we move and get settled, I will start feeling better just because of the stress and tension that will be missing from my life. There will be new stress, of course, but the tension will be gone, the thick negative energy will be gone... and I should be able to breathe clear air again.
So our new landlord confirmed the house will be ready on Saturday! Troy's boss is letting him borrow a 24 ft box truck from work to move with for the day. Everything seems to be falling into place! Now I just have to hope I get some help from friends so we have the muscle to get the truck loaded! I'm pretty sure we will be able to get everything in one load, and we should be able to be out of here in one day. Altho I will probably come back on Sunday to to clean up a bit and double check we got everything. I am so looking forward to this! I am sure this week will drag by just because we are all so anxious for Saturday to get here!
To everyone who reads this, I pray you had a wonderful weekend and I wish you a beautiful week! And remember... whatever challenges you may be going thru, they are happening for a reason. You may not realize that reason for a few years, but there is a reason! Never give up, keep fighting that fight!

Feeling a little down tonight. So much going on in my head, I want it all to just go away and let me be positive about things!
 I got a call from a doctors office- never heard of the doctor! They tell me my doctor referred me, and I need to see this sleep specialist in regards to the oxygen test I had done. WTF??? I didn't think I had a problem, I wasn't expecting this out of all the testing I have had done and still have to do.
I am tired of the childish attitude from the girl we live with, and I am getting a bad attitude again toward her, no matter how hard I try to maintain. I'm tired of feeling like we are being pushed to get out sooner than we can, and I don't like feeling like I am the reason for the repairs and stuff that are going into this house!
Is it too much for me to just get a little peace and positive energy? All I want is to keep my health at least as good as it is currently going, at least until we get moved. I want to not feel guilty for things- whether I am or not, I still feel I am. I want to detach from things so I can just focus where I need to focus. I am scared about more tests, I am scared about things they might think are going on. Yes, I want and need to know, but it terrifies me! I had such a wonderful weekend, but reality was there, I still had seizures, I still had weak and dizzy spells and had to nap, and I had a long serious talk with a friend who is going thru some very similar stuff who has at least one diagnosis.
I always say I am not afraid of anything... but in reality, I am. all this that is going on scares me. I am afraid of what the doctors are going to tell me, I am afraid of losing friends in this move, I am afraid of  the coming struggles we will face when we do move. 
But I know I will get thru it all, I always do- and my attitude will hopefully be better in a day or two. I just need to vent once in a while. 

Wagstaff Weekend

What an incredible two weekends I have had! remembering and honoring fallen hero Matthew Wagstaff, as well as other heroes. Last weekend we released balloons in his honor on the four year anniversary of his death. This weekend we traveled to Daniel's Summit with friends and family. We had a very nice time! Tears and laughter, memories and so much love and support for the Wagstaff family. Teena Nemelka, GS mother of Aaron Nemelka, was also with us. It is always such an emotional time with this group, but the love and support is just amazing. The Wagstaff family suffers every day, as does Teena. And we are there to bring smiles and laughs when they are needed, to give hugs whenever we can, and to create new and wonderful memories for them!

We started out driving Saturday morning, went up Big Cottonwood Canyon, over Guardsman Pass, and dropped into Midway to stop at Memorial Hill. It is a must see if you are ever in Midway!

This was originally planned to be a riding trip. Mother nature didn't think it should be. This turned out to be the wettest September in like 30 years! this weekend was the wettest in over ten years. We all arrived in cars! But we still went for a drive, lunch at Jeremy Ranch. 

Then the drive back to the lodge. After a bit of a rest, the traditional showing of Transformers was held. We had one of the conference rooms set aside for us. All the candy and treats that Matt enjoyed at movies, and other snacks and drinks. Everyone dressed in jammies, wrapped in blankets, just comfy and having a nice movie night. Then many of us headed to the hot tub! I wanted to swim, but my hair is still bleeding, and that would not have been good! Sitting in the hot tub talking and laughing and watching the rain pour down outside was a memory I won't let go. 

The next morning we all met up for breakfast at the lodge...

And pretty much ended the weekend there. Some of the group went up on Friday and had an entire weekend. Some went home in a group making a few stops along the way. And everyone made it home safely. It was a wonderful weekend with wonderful people. It was a much needed night away for me, I slept well, I wasn't stressed, I just relaxed. Altho I still wasn't feleing real well and did have a couple minor seizures, it was still fabulous. I love the Wagstaff family and am so honored to be included in their events and memories.

I saw tears and smiles on the faces of all of them. I saw happiness I've never seen in Jason and Cassie. I made memories with many friends and my wonderful husband. It was another fantastic event planned and carried out by Suzanne Wagstaff, another incredible event that will hold many amazing memories in my heart.