Thanksgiving 2014

When a person says they don't do the holidays, what is so hard for others to understand about that? To respect that? All I ask is one day... no, I woke up this morning to a dozen text messages! Lovely, already a craptastic day- remind me what day it is! UGH!
So other than that, I start out with coffee and football, just a normal weekend morning. Kids had plans, so they got ready and left- and had a wonderful day with Dallons family.
Then my husband starts dinner. He was determined to have turkey and mashed potatoes, and get me to have some. He mentioned it a few times over the past couple weeks and all I did was tell him I was not interested but if thats what he wanted to do, fine. I tried to get him to go with his family, no. He wanted to be with me, he wanted to try to make this day better for me.
So after watching him peel one potato, I stepped in and helped with that. Then I left it all to him. I really wanted nothing to do with any of this. It was killing me just to see him making a fake thanksgiving dinner. It tore me apart to see that box of something they tried to say resembled turkey... looked like meat loaf to me. I can't accept that, if you are going to have a feast- make it a real feast. Honestly, I think that meat was what pushed me over the edge today. Silly, right?
So he gets everything fixed and asks me how much meat I want... and he was so angry when I said none. THIS is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I fell apart, I cried thru eating my potatoes and I went to bed and totally lost it! 
My husband loves me more than anything, and just wants to make me happy, and I love and appreciate every bit of it. But by trying to help, he made things worse- for both of us. After we talked I think he finally understands that, and I hope next year he will remember the things we talked about and allow me to just be alone next year. I really think if I can have just one year all to myself, not having to eat, not having to fake smiles, not having to pretend I'm ok... I really think that will help me to move on. I want more than anything to be happy, and enjoy the holidays, make memories with my family. I just can't right now!
it has been 9 years... my first meal I remember being served in prison was Thanksgiving dinner... I remember eating a small dish of fruit and looking at the rest and wanting to be sick. The turkey resembled what my husband bought for today, the potatoes were like wallpaper paste and the gravy was brown water. There was a roll, and of course the little pouch of milk. My room mate was happy to eat it all for me, while I sat on my bunk curled up crying the entire day. I was still so numb to everything that had happened the previous week, I was honestly thinking I would not survive. And what the hell did I have to be thankful for that year?
Today I am thankful for a lot! I am thankful for that experience for one! I know my life is in a good place right now and I have so many blessings. I have no regrets of that past, but that doesn't mean there is no pain. I feel like there is no place I belong, no where I feel I can really be myself during the holidays. My inlaws love me and are wonderful to me, but I am not comfortable there, my husband isn't even comfortable around them... at least it seems that way. I have no family, I made that choice and no one challenged it. No phone call or email saying 'we love you, come be part of the family.'  My family is my husband and kids... my daughter and her boyfriend. There was a point in time I had my chosen family that I spent times like this with, I don't even hear from them anymore...
Wow, sounds like a pity party here, doesn't it? Not at all what I intended! Yeah, it hurts to feel unwanted and not cared about by the people I always thought would be there. But I do still have the people who matter the most- Troy and Kayla. They are my life. And I love them!
I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and all your travels were safe. Now lets get on to December... crazy month around here, and I don't even celebrate Christmas!