My goodness, has it been that long? I so dislike this month!
Nine years (and 4 days) ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer. I have some wonderful memories with Pam, but I also have those last hours embedded in my mind. I will never forget the late night phone call telling me it was time to come say my good byes, she she wouldn't make it another 10 hours. Pam was a mom, a best friend, a cooking teacher, she was so many things to me... and I miss her so much! I have to say, tho, I am glad she passed when she did~ because a week after her memorial I was in front of a judge being told I no longer had my freedom. I was blessed to be able to be there during her last days, and to mourn with other friends. I can still see her smile when she got to hold my little Echo just minutes after she was born, I can still hear her laugh and remember some of the talks we used to have. I have had the joy of becoming very good friends with her daughter Maria, she's my sis!
Nine years ago this week was the last time I saw my baby girl. Echo was a year and a half old, in foster care with a couple who would eventually become her parents. I saw her a few days before that dreadful day I stepped in front of that judge... I miss that little girl with everything I have in me, I think of her every day. I know she is happy and healthy, and that matters more to me than any 'poor me' thoughts I might have. I know one day I will have her in my life again... But nine years is such a long time to not hear your own childs voice, see her smile in person, touch her face or hair...
Nine long years since so many things in my life changed- no, my life itself changed! it was truly the end of one book and the beginning of another. Not chapters, books. I don't regret any of the things that happened, much was beyond my control- so how would I regret those? Others were by my own choices and every choice leads us to something that is meant to be- whether it is meant for us, or meant for someone else, it is meant to happen that way. How can I regret choices made that resulted in other peoples happiness? I hurt and I struggle, but no regrets!
I am trying to locate photos, but I am on the wrong computer. As the month goes on, and the tears continue, I will try to share these wonderful memories, these amazing people.
When Lloyd came up missing in June of 85 I hated summer for a long time. Then just when I was getting okay with the summer months my Pops passed away in August of 96. Yes, I hated summer for many many years. I still have episodes during the summer months, but at least I don't hate summer like I used to.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma passed away in May of 97, my uncle Jeff shortly after that, and Wade topped that off when I found him dead in our apartment on May of 1999.
I didn't think I would ever deal with the summer months well. It was bad enough that my grandfathers, my grandmothers, my brother, and my son all died in summer months, but something I realized is since I have lost close to 150 loved ones in my life they have passed away in most all of the months of the year I try not to hate seasons anymore, and appreciate the living as much as I can. Death is a part of life, and part of living is loving those still with us
Keep your head up.