turkey day

It is Sunday night, been a really rough week with an even rougher week to come with Thanksgiving this week.
I am so happy that my daughter will be joining her boyfriend at his familys gathering on turkey day, then she has her big family Thanksgiving on Saturday with her dad's family. They always have an amazing time! Troy's mom is going to Logan to spend the holiday with my brother-in-law and his wife and kids. So it's just Troy and I. UGH! I thought I would be happy about that, but this is even worse. I feel bad for my husband that I absolutely hate that day and want nothing to do with it. He asked about making a turkey roast and some potatoes and stuffing... and he will cook it. Honestly, I'm gonna fall apart. His brother called tonight asking if we would like to join them... I have been telling Troy to go with his mom, but he doesn't want to. He would rather be here, miserable, with me- than enjoying a good home cooked feast and time with his family. Truth? I don't think he gets how truly difficult this is for me. I don't want him to hang out with me- that makes me feel even worse! Like I am the reason he isn't doing what people should do on that day. Why should he be stuck home with a drunk, crying, miserable wife? I hate that I feel I have changed his traditions and happiness... just because I don't like things like this? I really prefer just being alone, but he wants to be with me. I get that he loves me and wants to support me, but I really just want to be by myself. One day I swear these feelings and attitude will change, but I have fought it and done my best to put on a smile and hide the tears every year so our family could enjoy this day without my issues... Why can't I have just one year? One day to let the tears flow, let the memories and past escape and maybe, just maybe get out of my system! I want more than anything for my husband to have the Thanksgiving he wants and deserves... but is a day at home with a wreck of a wife how he wants it? A turkey roast and stove top stuffing? That right there brings me to tears! That isn't Thanksgiving- that's depressing! I have my image of the ideal Thanksgiving, family or friends, lots of food, smiles... doesn't sound too difficult, right? 
In other news... my daughter has a test on Tuesday that will hopefully give us some answers and step in the right direction to getting her treated and feeling better! Troy was sick earlier this week, stayed in bed for a couple days. And me? well, same old same old... zero energy, a lot of aches and pain, too many seizures- actually this week, since my last grand mal- I've had probably less than 20 total seizures, which is amazing compared to what I have been dealing with! Making good use of my beautiful new cane, the arthritis goes back and forth from left knee to right. Tendinitis in my wrist has had me in tears a few times the past few days. 
This seems to be a fairly negative post, but really, I am happy with my life, and I am thankful for things in my life. I have a wonderful husband who treats me better than I sometimes deserve, I have the most incredible daughter a woman could ask for, and a son in law (at least I see him as that) who is an amazing help to me.
Thanksgiving blessings to everyone. I wish you all safe travels and wonderful times!