This is the most difficult week for me, from yesterday until Thanksgiving (which in 2005 was the 24th).
November 16~ the last time I saw my baby. The last time I heard her voice, held her, told her I loved her. The last time she called me mommy, I saw that chubby smile, touched her amazing hair. That night I had no idea it would be the last, I think that is why it is so hard for me to get past. I had plans to see her again just a few days later! No one told me what would happen in the next couple days, or months! Would it have been easier to know? To see her that last time and tell her goodbye? Knowing it would be the last time I would see her, be called mommy? Probably not, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy that last visit. But now I am left with this emptiness... a non-closure of sorts. The difference tho, between me and say someone who has lost a child to death- I know where my girl is, I know she will be in my life again one day, I know she is happy and healthy... and that is what truly matters to me.
November 18, 2005... 8 am~ heading to court with my brother and my boyfriend, discussing the what ifs. Planning for just in case. All the hell I had been thru over the previous months came down to this. 9 am~ Meeting with my lawyer and being told the good news of the sentencing recommendations and the DA, being assured all would be ok. 10 am~ Sitting in the court room feeling wonderful! Thinking this will all be over in just a few minutes, I can go home and get my baby back and start the battle of getting my other daughter back! Listening to that judge started making me a bit nervous, he was quite the jerk!
My name is called, my turn. It's ok, I have talked to the DA, I've seen the sentencing report, relax! WOW! Really? This judge made me feel an inch tall! He did not look at anything but what he wanted to see! He had his own opinion of me without having any clue! He ignored the sentencing recommendation, he even told the DA to be quiet when she tried to argue against his sentence! I heard the words, but they didn't connect... until I heard my mother cry out behind me. Did he just say prison? I collapsed to the floor. As they helped me up I turned to look at my brother- he was holding my mother and motioned to me he would help her. They cuffed me and led me away... what the hell just happened? Where is my lawyer? I want to talk to someone! I need my meds! I started hyperventilating, crying hysterically... I was terrified!
I sat in some little room behind the courtroom for who knows how long, everything from that point on was a total fog for a few days. They took me to a holding cell, there were a couple other girls there- obviously NOT the kind of people I was used to being around. One of the girls explained to me what was going on, the 'routine' for her, I guess. The rest of the day in this holding cell then off to the jail... "No, they told me prison," "not til Tuesday, they only do prison transfers on Tuesdays."
Later that day I was taken to a van, along with four or five other girls, and transported to the jail. That was the beginning of hell.
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