Yes, I am sick. I am sick all the time~ That is what chronic illness is. Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel terrible. I do my best to hide it when I don't feel well- I hide it from my friends, and from my family- even my husband. I don't like people worrying about me and fussing over me. So I struggle thru the rough days with a smile on my face, not showing the pain. But then once in a while I mention I don't feel good... it's not anything new, it's the same everyday thing, I just happened to mention it. So on the rare occasion that I do make it known that I am not at the top of my game, I get treated like I'm sick. I don't want to be treated like that, I also don't want to be treated like nothing is wrong, tho. It is so hard to find a middle ground. I need people to understand that I never actually feel good, most days are not good and I need that to be recognized without sympathy, just understanding. Help me! And the days that are worse than others, support me. The good days, altho they seem to be getting less and less, I need to feel normal- as normal as possible, but I can't be expected to act normal every day.
I have become a terrible house wife! I rarely cook, I clean as much as I can, I don't do much of anything anymore. Part illness, part depression. Depression is obviously worse because no one understands, and I have a difficult time communicating how I feel so that they can understand better. It is all so frustrating! I live with three people, my family, who are all very loving and caring- but none of whom understand or help me. I feel like I am the only one who is responsible for everything in this home. I sometimes feel guilty asking them to do things because they all have jobs, I am the one who is home all the time. But they are healthier than I am, on days I have things that need to get done but feel like I can't even get out of bed- like today- I just want people to understand that I don't feel well, and maybe someone just once do something without me asking them to. My daughter does once in a while, she has seen my decline over the years, and she has always been helpful because she and I did it alone for so long. My husband used to help me a lot with dinner and other things... not so much now. I don't know what has changed, I do know he works his ass off to support our family, and is very tired when he comes home. I feel so guilty and seriously think sometimes this family would be better off without me. There is so much about my life I am not happy with, I sometimes think if I just packed up and left Utah that maybe some of it would improve. But I love my family, and I know they love me. So I struggle thru the pain, and I struggle thru the things that make me unhappy to find those things that do make me happy! There really is plenty about my life that makes me happy, I shouldn't complain. Just another one of those days I guess.
Today I felt bad that I didn't feel good, and I felt like my husband was irritated with me for not feeling good. That is so frustrating! It hurts and it makes me sad. I know he just cares and wants me to be ok.
I wish I wasn't sick, I wish I could be the person he thought he married, I wish I could be the mom and wife and friend I want so badly to be again! I hate being sick! But it is who I am, and it isn't going to change. I would give anything to have my full health back for one year... to go do all things I miss doing~ hiking, swimming, working. Going out drinking and dancing. Driving and being independent. But that's not going to happen.
I'm sick, that's who I am.
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