Who Am I?

A lot of people wonder why I am the person I am. Who is Red, and why is she the way she is? Then when people learn just the slightest bit of my story- they have no idea how I can be such a loving, caring person who has no hate or regrets. So many people judge, but is it fair to judge without knowing the person? How can one judge someone else without having been in that same situation? 

So here is a short summary of me, who I am, where I've been... judge if you feel you must, or accept me for the person I have become after all I've been thru.

In my early teens, I had a cheating dad and an alcoholic mother, that was the beginning of me being a rebel who didn't care about anything. My entire life has been spent trying to please a mother who can't be pleased, who finds fault in everything I do or say, even the things I saw as positives. At 18 I was forced to have an abortion, then a few months later I married my first of 5 husbands. This man put me thru more horror than most people could ever imagine, the kind of things you read in fiction books. I was kidnapped and tortured, I carried a weapon in my vehicle to protect myself. I have physical and emotional scars to this day. He did unspeakable things, and I was involved in very dangerous situations that put my life at risk on a regular basis. I went thru a bad period of drinking, as well as a lot of drug use. I had a a number of miscarriages while trying to have a child. When I did finally have my first child she was a blue baby- no heart beat, no respiration... 2 1/2 minutes I had a dead child. I have lived on the streets, I have worked jobs in more fields than I can remember. I have traveled by hitch hiking and train jumping.. life has been quite an adventure! Fast forward to husband #4. Lies and manipulation. He married me not because he loved me- because he wanted my daughter. I had a child with this man, who I was forced to give up for adoption when he was arrested for molesting my older daughter. Then I was put in prison. 15 months of living a life I didn't deserve. 15 months of being punished for something someone else did. But it was 15 months of one of the most amazing experiences I've had. I was told I was a sex addict... I still have a hard time understanding that one. a three hour test to tell me this. I lost both my children, I lost my career, I lost friends, and I lost almost all of my material belongings. I had to start from scratch. I had to fight to get my oldest daughter back in my life. And I had to lie about who I was and what I wanted in life to be allowed to see her. I went thru years of anger and hatred, being mistreated and taken advantage of by men. All along wishing I could eliminate men from my life! I love women, I prefer relationships with women, but I was forced to appear 'normal' to get the things I needed and wanted in life. I have been pretty much disowned by my entire family- my parents havent tried to contact me in 3 1/2 years, my sister never contacts me. I am not the person they think I should be, I don't have a husband who makes a million dollars a year, I have tattoos, I don't base friendships on financial status- I base it on people! And I speak my mind, if I have something to say- I'm gonna say it! I've lived a polyamorous lifestyle at a couple points in my life, it is my preferred way of living. I am Wiccan, I don't believe in the Christian God.

I don't trust many people, but I am always trying to please and help people. I don't believe in family, I believe in people who care.

I have done things I am not proud of, I have witnessed things that would shock most. My life has been far from perfect, but I have no regrets. All these things have made me the person I am today- and I am so very thankful for everything that has happened to me.

So that is who I am boiled down to a few sentences. Like me or hate me, I might be a felon, but I am not a criminal, I might be a rebel, but I am not a hater. I am not christian, but I have a good heart filled with love. I am bisexual, but I don't want your wife!

This is who I am. Take me or leave me. I am happy with who I am.