Depression Sucks

When depression strikes me, it strikes hard! Every day I put on a happy face and a happy attitude showing as much positiveness as I can possibly have... but the truth is that isn't who i truly am. It takes a lot to do these things every day, I don't think anyone- even my husband, understands how hard it is. But I do it. I am the kind of person who is always there for everyone else, I put my friends and family before myself- they need me! But inside I am suffering, and once in a while- like today- I hit that point that I can't hold together any longer. The depression wins and I can't do a thing to change it. I can't find that smile of positive attitude, all I do is see the pain and the bad. And I cry- I hate people to see me cry! I don't like people to know that I am not happy! But the truth is I am rarely truly happy. My life is not what I saw it being, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is so far off track that it is hard for me to accept that I allowed my life to get here. I don't like to use this word, but I really am miserable. Nothing that any one person caused, other than myself. I have a couple amazing people in my life, my husband is one of them, and so is my daughter, who support me and try lifting me back up when I fall like this. But I don't have the close friends I can call on or count on to be there when I need them, or who see that I am struggling and check to see if they can help... I once thought I had those kind of friends, but I don't. That's part of this latest break. Do I have true friends? I have friends, but no one checks up if they don't hear from me, I haven't been included in outings in I don't remember how long. I feel abandoned by them all. Sad right? Sad that I feel that way or sad that its true? Good question! My marriage, altho I love my husband and we do have a good relationship, it isn't what I want, it isn't what I expected- then again- is it ever what we expect? We are in a serious rut and have a lot of problems... but we do have love, and no matter what we will work thru all the problems, most of them anyway, and keep it working. Yes, my life is feeling incomplete because I don't have that other person, that wears on me more and more as time goes by. Our living arrangements are so up and down that I don't even know where we sit right now as far as having a home or needing to look for a new one... and no one will talk to me. Everything I do seems to piss someone off or hurt someone or cost them something. I am constantly trying to do what is right and keep the peace and it gets me nowhere! I am frustrated and tired! My little family doesn't understand what I deal with. I have a husband who is focused on work and bills and responsibilities, I have a daughter who has become more focused on her amazing boyfriend, altho she is still very aware of my needs and health issues and always makes sure I am ok. I have a son-in-law-ish who is wonderful, but stubborn not totally willing to listen or help me. He has actually helped me a lot with things like installing the dog door and taking care of my daughter and taking me to appointments when I need a ride. But as far as emotionally helping me- he's young and doesn't like giving in to others and thats how he sees things here with the situations that come up. I get it, but I need his support. I need to keep the peace. when things go bad here it all falls on 2 people... me and Cory. both of us are in not so good health and each time there is a problem everything comes to us and we are the ones working it out, we are the ones getting our stress elevated and screwing up our health more. And now I don't even feel I can work things out with him! Pretty much feeling like not even Cory wants to work with me or talk to me. He has been my one person I could turn to, and now I feel like I did something wrong that has turned him against me as well.

Troy saw how upset and miserable I was this morning and made me leave the house. We wnt for a long drive- but not really what I was hoping for. When we go places the windows are down and the radio is up and there is no talking over all that noise. I was hoping for husband time- not just being in the car with him, but talking and trying to get some of the bull shit out of my head. Yes it felt good to get out, don't get me wrong, but I don't really feel like I'm spending time with him when we can't talk. We bought lottery tickets- maybe we will win something substantial and be able to change a lot of this, we saw my brother in law, and we had dinner and a couple drinks with a friend who lives 2 hours away who we rarely see! It was a nice time and I am glad Troy made me go out. 

But then as soon as we got home, back to my reality, the smile was gone and the depression was still right there. I haven't slept, I've hardly eaten, I am officially a wreck! And I don't know how to fix it at this point. I think every time I fall into this it gets worse each time, making it harder to bounce back. I need someone to understand me, someone I can tell everything to, someone who really gets it! I miss my therapist, she really had me on the right path I think. But now that I don't drive, I can't see her. There is so much more to my depression than what anyone understands. They can see some of it, they can hear what I say, but some things I don't let out, I hold many of the problems inside because I don't like to burden others with my problems... and discussing one or two of the issues is more than enough to overwhelm people.

I know I will come out of this, I always do. But like I said- it gets harder each time, scarier, more real. I wish I could sit down with my husband and tell him every little thing that is behind this... but I can't, he wouldn't understand and I don't know that he could do anything anyway! Altho just telling him and letting it out I am sure would help me... but then he has that info hanging over him, things he doesn't need to stress over.

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted, physically I am barely hanging in. I am strong and I have been thru more in my life than anyone could ever imagine... I will get thru this as well. But until I do... it SUCKS! 

I apologize for this being a negative post, but I am being real and posting things I need to let out. This is me, this is my life after the past.