Because I Care

I have figured out why this girl gets to me so bad! She drives me insane, aggravates me, frustrates me... just knows how to push my buttons! And when she ignores me it doesn't really anger me as much as it hurts. A week without being acknowledged at all really got to me! But it saddened me more than anything. Why? Because I care about her! I know she has some problems, and I have tried to help her, I have been understanding and have offered dozens of times to be there if she needs to talk. I know I am not her mom, and I know she has walls up because we are not a permanent fixture in her life. But no matter what, I still care about her! It's just who I am! It tears me up to see her hurting or struggling, and I really want to just take her aside, hug her, and talk with her assuring her everything will eventually work out! But she won't let me in. And I get that. I have hopes that once my family moves out of this house, that maybe she and I can become friends and I can show her that not everyone is going to abandon her.
I have a good heart, I care about people- whether they are close to me or irritate me, I do whatever I can to make sure they are ok. This girl has a long road ahead of her to be ok, but if she sticks with it and maintains the support of Cory and her boyfriend, I know she will eventually make it... She just needs to be shown love and reassured that not everyone will treat her as her mother did. She needs to be told she is smart and beautiful- no one can survive without that sort of thing.
I wish this girl the best, I really do care about her. She drives me crazy at times, but I feel bad that she is so young and has had to live thru so much pain and rejection already. 
You ARE smart, I've had talks with you. You ARE beautiful, I've seen you do your hair and make up and put a smile on your face. You ARE a good person, I've seen that in you, too. Stay strong and and know that even if you don't believe I care- I really do!

Who Am I?

A lot of people wonder why I am the person I am. Who is Red, and why is she the way she is? Then when people learn just the slightest bit of my story- they have no idea how I can be such a loving, caring person who has no hate or regrets. So many people judge, but is it fair to judge without knowing the person? How can one judge someone else without having been in that same situation? 

So here is a short summary of me, who I am, where I've been... judge if you feel you must, or accept me for the person I have become after all I've been thru.

In my early teens, I had a cheating dad and an alcoholic mother, that was the beginning of me being a rebel who didn't care about anything. My entire life has been spent trying to please a mother who can't be pleased, who finds fault in everything I do or say, even the things I saw as positives. At 18 I was forced to have an abortion, then a few months later I married my first of 5 husbands. This man put me thru more horror than most people could ever imagine, the kind of things you read in fiction books. I was kidnapped and tortured, I carried a weapon in my vehicle to protect myself. I have physical and emotional scars to this day. He did unspeakable things, and I was involved in very dangerous situations that put my life at risk on a regular basis. I went thru a bad period of drinking, as well as a lot of drug use. I had a a number of miscarriages while trying to have a child. When I did finally have my first child she was a blue baby- no heart beat, no respiration... 2 1/2 minutes I had a dead child. I have lived on the streets, I have worked jobs in more fields than I can remember. I have traveled by hitch hiking and train jumping.. life has been quite an adventure! Fast forward to husband #4. Lies and manipulation. He married me not because he loved me- because he wanted my daughter. I had a child with this man, who I was forced to give up for adoption when he was arrested for molesting my older daughter. Then I was put in prison. 15 months of living a life I didn't deserve. 15 months of being punished for something someone else did. But it was 15 months of one of the most amazing experiences I've had. I was told I was a sex addict... I still have a hard time understanding that one. a three hour test to tell me this. I lost both my children, I lost my career, I lost friends, and I lost almost all of my material belongings. I had to start from scratch. I had to fight to get my oldest daughter back in my life. And I had to lie about who I was and what I wanted in life to be allowed to see her. I went thru years of anger and hatred, being mistreated and taken advantage of by men. All along wishing I could eliminate men from my life! I love women, I prefer relationships with women, but I was forced to appear 'normal' to get the things I needed and wanted in life. I have been pretty much disowned by my entire family- my parents havent tried to contact me in 3 1/2 years, my sister never contacts me. I am not the person they think I should be, I don't have a husband who makes a million dollars a year, I have tattoos, I don't base friendships on financial status- I base it on people! And I speak my mind, if I have something to say- I'm gonna say it! I've lived a polyamorous lifestyle at a couple points in my life, it is my preferred way of living. I am Wiccan, I don't believe in the Christian God.

I don't trust many people, but I am always trying to please and help people. I don't believe in family, I believe in people who care.

I have done things I am not proud of, I have witnessed things that would shock most. My life has been far from perfect, but I have no regrets. All these things have made me the person I am today- and I am so very thankful for everything that has happened to me.

So that is who I am boiled down to a few sentences. Like me or hate me, I might be a felon, but I am not a criminal, I might be a rebel, but I am not a hater. I am not christian, but I have a good heart filled with love. I am bisexual, but I don't want your wife!

This is who I am. Take me or leave me. I am happy with who I am.

Down Sizing

So we are being forced to move. And with this move, we expect to go into a smaller home than what we are currently in, losing a lot of space! With the down sizing of living space, means there must be a down sizing of stuff! Thank the heavens for virtual yard sale pages! I was able to sell off my entire salt and pepper shaker collection in a day, my daughter was able to sell off all her dolphin stuff in a matter of a couple hours! I have other items I have sold and other items currently listed. I figure if I start the packing process now, as I go thru things I can determine what we really need and what can realistically go! It feels good to get rid of things that are just taking up space and collecting dust! Also feels good to get a little cash out of it. And, of course, help others get things they want without having to spend a fortune at stores. I really hope to eliminate a lot more, less to pack and less to move. It is hard to let go of some of these things, it is still hard to accept that I am letting go of this home. But we must do what is best for everyone.
One day, hopefully in the not too far off future, we will be buying a home- all ours. We can then collect and accumulate all the stuff we want! And fill the house with things! But until then, we need to keep things small. I am hoping we can find a rental house to stay at for 2 years, then be in a situation to make a purchase. I want to be a home owner before I am 50! And I know it is possible if we just take the right steps to get there!
Meanwhile the house hunt continues, with little luck at this point, but I am convinced we will find just the right place for us.

My 4 Letter Word

Something just got into my head that I felt the urge to write about. People think of specific swear words when you say 'four letter word', or if you are in Utah 'snow' is considered another one. most of those words don't bother me much... the one that bothers me is HATE. Hate is such a terrible thing! It is a wasted emotion, a strong statement. It causes pain- not only to the person the hatred is directed at, but for the person experiencing the hatred! How can you have an open heart and a free mind if there is hate inside of you? Dislike is one thing- hate is so extreme. I can honestly say I don't hate anything or anyone. If I feel dislike, even to a high level, it still could never cross into hatred. I don't think I have that in me anymore- to hate. Years ago I know I would say I hate this or I hate him, or what ever it was. But my life has changed, I have changed so much, and grown. I feel love for everyone and everything. People who have done me wrong- I don't hate them. They taught me a lesson, were put in my path for a reason... how can I hate that? I dislike a number of people, but I find good in them as well. People I want to hate, I can't. Someone who hurt my daughter... I SHOULD hate him, right? But what happened to her made her who she is today, so how do I even hate that? I have my own reasons for not hating HIM, I loved him, I had a child with him... can you really feel hatred for someone after they give you a child? I have other things in my life that people don't understand why I don't hate them... people just don't understand me. I want my life to be peaceful. There is no room for hate in a peaceful life.
I am not the person I was 30 years ago, I am not the person I was 12 years ago. Today I strive for peace and love and happiness in my life, and for the most part I have that. I am happy and content with how my life is moving along. I am rid of the anger and the hatred, I am at peace with the choices I have made and lessons I have learned. I am content with some choices to eliminate angry people from my life. 
I do not need a god to have peace, I do not need family to be happy.
I have gods and goddesses to help guide me to peace. I have my husband, daughter, and chosen family of friends to bring me happiness.
Try not to hate. You will feel so much healthier and happier!

Alpine Loop

We went on an incredible ride yesterday with some wonderful friends. It was a much needed escape! There truly is nothing like being on the bike away from the city with just the beauty of the of the mountains and the laughter of friends. We rode, we stopped for shakes, we rode some more. The sun set as we approached home. It was a perfect day! With all the stress and anxiety I have been under the past week, this just freed my mind and soul of all of that! It is so hard to put into writing what the experience is like.

I haven't been on that ride in three or four years, I had forgotten how gorgeous it is up there, so green, plants you wouldn't expect to see in Utah! Almost forgot we were even in Utah! It is a ride we need to do more often!

Friday night we will be leaving to go stay in Ogden with friends so we can go to the Dan Dolan Ride Saturday morning (it is a long day to ride from SLC to Ogden then start a long ride!) The Dolan Ride is one we try to never miss, honoring fallen hero Dan Dolan, his mother and her crew have created an amazing ride that supports local military charities. It will be a full day of riding, and it is always a beautiful route with good food, music and prizes at the end! A sweet friend is allowing us to crash at her house that night before... I'm excited for that because she is one of the sweetest people I know and we never really have a chance to talk... and I still haven't met her new husband! 

House hunting today wasn't very promising~ found one I will call on, but I plan to wait a couple days to look online again- so I can hopefully see new listings! 

The past week or so has been so crazy, I haven't known what day was what. Tomorrow is Monday, Troy goes back to work, Cory goes back to work, I can get focused on my normal schedule of doing things! I love my weekends, but I do really like my routine during the week!

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday (if you are in Utah), and a great weekend!

Getting Better

After a couple weeks of depression, and a week of what felt like the silent treatment from Cory along with intense stress... I am finally feeling much better!

A couple nights ago Troy and I got out and went to see Styx and Foreigner in concert, it was a long overdue night out for us and it was amazing! Came home and had a terrible seizure, but the following morning I felt as tho that seizure had drained every bit of stress and tension out of me- like if I can't destress on my own, that's why the seizures come! Today I was finally able to talk to Cory- as friends, like we always have. It felt good. Then we talked a little about the situation and where things are going from this point, I can relax some now. 

My mind has been racing all week, so much to do before we can move- and I didn't know if I had a week or a month or what to do it. Money, packing, dogs, a place, organizing, mail... just too much! But now that I can let my mind slow down, I can actually enjoy the good times and allow myself to have some fun. Today we jumped on the bike and rode... We went to Tooele, stopped and visited with LouAnn and Jay and the dogs for a bit, then over to see a friend who I sold some things to. Then riding back into Salt Lake we decided to go get a cheap dinner and ran into some friends who we ate with. It felt so good to be on the bike and have my head phones blasting some music... not a care in the world!

Tomorrow I will do some more planning for a bit, then off again to be on the bike! A long ride with a few friends up the mountains is exactly what this girl needs!

A couple months from now many things will be different, but the important things will remain~ I will have my family and the love and strength we give each other, I will have friendships unbroken, and I will have my sanity! Things will be a struggle financially, but we can and will survive this challenge... as we have everything else. I have been in much worse situations with not nearly the support I have now- I will get past this and come out on top as with every other test the gods have given me.

Life is getting better, I am getting better.

Blessed Be 

I've been thru a lot of bad stuff in my life, I know I can get thru this! Sure is a struggle tho, with my depression at an all time low and not planning or expecting this to happen... I am just not having a very easy time accepting what is happening.  I have to find a new home... no way around it. And there really is nothing out there that will work for us. I guess I just need to stay hopeful. As with everything else I have dealt with in my life~ it all happens for a reason, and it all works out in the end. A part of me still has hope that we will eventually get Cory talking to us again and he will reconsider. He has never been like this- not talking to me, it hurts and I feel like he's angry with me. But I realize he needs time, he needs to think and just have some time for himself before addressing anymore of this. But I have been not only not talked to, but ignored... and that really does tear me up. I'm hopeful we can talk today. There are still unanswered questions, a lot was left unfinished when we last talked.
Everyone in my family is feeling this is unfair... not only to my family but to Cory as well. But we can't change what he thinks he needs to do.
I've still been in a fog but starting to be able to focus a bit. House hunting is a pain, there is really nothing available right now that works for us. I'm frustrated with it already!
Taking a break tonight from the stress and anxiety and reality... going to the Styx and Foreigner concert! As long as I can get out and have a little fun, I can forget all the pain I'm experiencing! So I am looking forward to an evening with my sweety and some good music from our generation! Peace for a couple hours!
Then tomorrow I can get back to focusing on finding a place. I have given up on yard work and my outside projects... what's the point if I won't be here to enjoy it? And really, I have zero motivation to clean house either! Bad attitude, I know, but it's how I feel. I'm sure I will pop out of it in the next few days.
Ugh! Just needed to vent for aminute, I know this post doesn't really say anything.

End of a Dream

Last night we were told it is time for us to find a new place to live. I had a feeling this was coming, but really hoped it would never happen. I thought we could make things work and keep our dream home. But Cory doesn't see current situations getting any better, he can't take the stress, and either can I really. He is just tired of all of it. It really has nothing to do with anything we did wrong, it just is what it is. I can see his side of things, not that I agree, but I can understand and I am not mad at him. Just frustrated and hurt with the situation.

This is beyond devastating for me. He has been telling us for a year and a half that this is our home, make it that way. And we have. I have memories here, I have plans for the house and the yard, I see my future here with my family.

But not now. I don't even know how to start looking for something else, I have been believing this was my home, that I would never have to look for something else. The depression that hit last week has been taken to  a totally new level. I have to find a new home for my family, my dogs, something we can fit in and afford, something that works for us... something exactly like what we have had here. It's scary in a way, but I am mostly just sad. Sad to be losing all this, sad to have to walk away from the dream we created and had. 

So how do I do this? How do I stay strong for my family and find us a new home that will satisfy all our needs? How do I not let this destroy me any worse than it has?

I still have so many questions I need answered, but I am getting nothing. I think thats part of the problem, I still feel there is so much in limbo. I'm the kind of person who needs to know everything before setting out to face the challenges. And right now I only have the basic info- we have to leave.

Troy is stressed, I can tell. He doesn't show much feeling, but I know he is worried about taking care of his family. My daughter I think is more worried about me than anything. She doesn't really understand the big picture, she only sees that we have been told to leave. 

There will be some big changes with this. It will be a very hard transition. But, we have to do what we have to do.

I am just so lost right now.

GOOD BYE HOME OF MY DREAMS

Depression Sucks

When depression strikes me, it strikes hard! Every day I put on a happy face and a happy attitude showing as much positiveness as I can possibly have... but the truth is that isn't who i truly am. It takes a lot to do these things every day, I don't think anyone- even my husband, understands how hard it is. But I do it. I am the kind of person who is always there for everyone else, I put my friends and family before myself- they need me! But inside I am suffering, and once in a while- like today- I hit that point that I can't hold together any longer. The depression wins and I can't do a thing to change it. I can't find that smile of positive attitude, all I do is see the pain and the bad. And I cry- I hate people to see me cry! I don't like people to know that I am not happy! But the truth is I am rarely truly happy. My life is not what I saw it being, this isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it is so far off track that it is hard for me to accept that I allowed my life to get here. I don't like to use this word, but I really am miserable. Nothing that any one person caused, other than myself. I have a couple amazing people in my life, my husband is one of them, and so is my daughter, who support me and try lifting me back up when I fall like this. But I don't have the close friends I can call on or count on to be there when I need them, or who see that I am struggling and check to see if they can help... I once thought I had those kind of friends, but I don't. That's part of this latest break. Do I have true friends? I have friends, but no one checks up if they don't hear from me, I haven't been included in outings in I don't remember how long. I feel abandoned by them all. Sad right? Sad that I feel that way or sad that its true? Good question! My marriage, altho I love my husband and we do have a good relationship, it isn't what I want, it isn't what I expected- then again- is it ever what we expect? We are in a serious rut and have a lot of problems... but we do have love, and no matter what we will work thru all the problems, most of them anyway, and keep it working. Yes, my life is feeling incomplete because I don't have that other person, that wears on me more and more as time goes by. Our living arrangements are so up and down that I don't even know where we sit right now as far as having a home or needing to look for a new one... and no one will talk to me. Everything I do seems to piss someone off or hurt someone or cost them something. I am constantly trying to do what is right and keep the peace and it gets me nowhere! I am frustrated and tired! My little family doesn't understand what I deal with. I have a husband who is focused on work and bills and responsibilities, I have a daughter who has become more focused on her amazing boyfriend, altho she is still very aware of my needs and health issues and always makes sure I am ok. I have a son-in-law-ish who is wonderful, but stubborn not totally willing to listen or help me. He has actually helped me a lot with things like installing the dog door and taking care of my daughter and taking me to appointments when I need a ride. But as far as emotionally helping me- he's young and doesn't like giving in to others and thats how he sees things here with the situations that come up. I get it, but I need his support. I need to keep the peace. when things go bad here it all falls on 2 people... me and Cory. both of us are in not so good health and each time there is a problem everything comes to us and we are the ones working it out, we are the ones getting our stress elevated and screwing up our health more. And now I don't even feel I can work things out with him! Pretty much feeling like not even Cory wants to work with me or talk to me. He has been my one person I could turn to, and now I feel like I did something wrong that has turned him against me as well.

Troy saw how upset and miserable I was this morning and made me leave the house. We wnt for a long drive- but not really what I was hoping for. When we go places the windows are down and the radio is up and there is no talking over all that noise. I was hoping for husband time- not just being in the car with him, but talking and trying to get some of the bull shit out of my head. Yes it felt good to get out, don't get me wrong, but I don't really feel like I'm spending time with him when we can't talk. We bought lottery tickets- maybe we will win something substantial and be able to change a lot of this, we saw my brother in law, and we had dinner and a couple drinks with a friend who lives 2 hours away who we rarely see! It was a nice time and I am glad Troy made me go out. 

But then as soon as we got home, back to my reality, the smile was gone and the depression was still right there. I haven't slept, I've hardly eaten, I am officially a wreck! And I don't know how to fix it at this point. I think every time I fall into this it gets worse each time, making it harder to bounce back. I need someone to understand me, someone I can tell everything to, someone who really gets it! I miss my therapist, she really had me on the right path I think. But now that I don't drive, I can't see her. There is so much more to my depression than what anyone understands. They can see some of it, they can hear what I say, but some things I don't let out, I hold many of the problems inside because I don't like to burden others with my problems... and discussing one or two of the issues is more than enough to overwhelm people.

I know I will come out of this, I always do. But like I said- it gets harder each time, scarier, more real. I wish I could sit down with my husband and tell him every little thing that is behind this... but I can't, he wouldn't understand and I don't know that he could do anything anyway! Altho just telling him and letting it out I am sure would help me... but then he has that info hanging over him, things he doesn't need to stress over.

I am emotionally and mentally exhausted, physically I am barely hanging in. I am strong and I have been thru more in my life than anyone could ever imagine... I will get thru this as well. But until I do... it SUCKS! 

I apologize for this being a negative post, but I am being real and posting things I need to let out. This is me, this is my life after the past.

What Do I Do

Not in the best of moods tonight, we had a rough evening and now I feel terrible! I hate when this happens, I feel responsible and it makes me sad and angry. We live with a room mate, who I have become very good friends with. His step daughter moved in a few months ago, and life has been a struggle since. She can be a very sweet girl, and I know and understand some of the problems she has so I do my best to help her and be patient. I care about her, I want to see her improve herself and be happy. But because of some of her problems, she can at times be quite difficult to live with. Today became one of those days. Over the years I have learned to control my temper unless very pushed... and tonight I was pushed and I went off. Thing definitely came to a a head, I walked away and cooled off, she took a while but eventually cooled off... we both apologized and hugged and things are calming down. Problem is- when things like this happen, Cory gets brought into it, whether he is home or on the road, he gets pulled in. His daughter, he is the only person who can calm her down or even talk to her when she gets like that. Today I messaged him just letting him know and apologizing in advance that things might not be so good when he gets in... I should not have done that! Why couldn't I have just dealt with this on my own? After talks with me and with her and texts and everything, he is more in the middle than anyone! His anxiety acts up, he has chest pains, and I then stress about him and his health and safety. I hate it! He shouldn't have todeal with any of this! In a way I don't feel it is my fault... but then again it I feel totally responsible for it and feel just terrible! I'm almost in tears right now because I feel like he would be better off if my family moved out. I care about this man, I don't want to see him hurting or getting sick. And if we weren't here, he wouldn't be having this... it is me and my family that causes her breakdowns, therefore it is my fault. I am really lost right now. She and her boyfriend have plans to move in a few weeks, but meanwhile I don't know if this will happen again tomorrow or next week or a month from now. And Cory is the one who suffers most. Yes, it all affects my health as well... but my health isn't as important as his! He has a job, he has way more responsibilities than I do. Troy gets upset, but doesn't let it bother him much. Dallon gets angry and does his best to ignore it all. And my daughter gets stressed and scared. She is an empath, she can feel all the emotions in the house- the anger the sadness the fear... all of it! And it hurts her inside, she either falls apart crying because she is hurting and scared, or she has to leave. I hate seeing that more than anything. But really, my main concern right now is Cory. How do I make all this better? I don't think I can really. Bottom line is we need him and he needs us. Otherwise we would have been gone a long time ago. Last thing I want is to lose the amazing deal we have worked out here and lose this house! But at what point do I look at it and say it isn't worth the health issues and possibly losing a friendship when its all over? Do I walk away from my dream home or do I continue to do my best to make this work? Because I really do, I bite my tongue if I ever have something to say to his daughter, I remind my kids constantly about mutual respect, or showing respect to try to get it in return. And I do everything I possibly can to make sure Cory is taken care of. I see it as this is still his house and he is the one who pays most of the bills and deserves the most respect of anyone here. I hate that he is unhappy, I hate that he is hurting, that he is stressed, and all of it. I hate it!!! I want to just go away so we aren't the cause of his stress anymore.
I feel so guilty right now. I am so very sorry Cory. I do love you. 

Religion or Lifestyle Choice?

My mind has been turning for a couple days now and really curious about some things. I am a huge fan of the tv show Sisterwives, About the Brown family who were driven out of Utah due to their "coming out" about their polygamous lifestyle, pretty much only associated with the FLDS church. Cody Brown has 4 wives and more kids than I can keep track of. This past episode the family traveled to meet another poly family, but not of the same faith. They call themselves Christian polygamists. I found it very interesting that there are others who practice this lifestyle outside the FLDS religion.
I have always thought I was born into the wrong religion or family or whatever, because I believe I belong in a polygamous, or polyamorous family. But I do NOT share the religious beliefs of the FLDS. Actually I don't share religious beliefs with Christians either. But it brings the question to my mind... are there others who practice this lifestyle who are not religious? Who just choose this life because it is what they want and feel works best for them? How do I find these things out? Where do I turn? I'm assuming there are groups online, I just need to do some research.
I have, in the past, lived a polyamorous lifestyle, and loved it! It was truly the perfect situation for me. And really, probably a better one than polygamy. But I am so curious to find nonreligious polygamists! Just to talk to and ask questions. I have always been very intrigued by these nontraditional lifestyles, and want to learn more about them.
I do know there is an online dating service for polys. Maybe I should contact some of those people! I am registered, just not active.
Anyway, this was just a release of a cramped brain, I needed to transfer the thoughts from my head to writing. 
Don't get me wrong here, I love my husband and my life as it is. But I have always felt something was missing. If it came down to chosing what I have now or losing my husband to live a different lifestyle, I would keep what I have and let go any thoughts of change.

Facing The Past

I like to think we can all just start fresh and leave the past behind us, not always possible. My daughter lives with the effects of the past every day. And in a matter of months we will be face to face with that past. The man who hurt her has his next parole hearing in March, and with the love and support of family and friends, she is going to stand and speak to him for the first time in over 9 years. His first parole hearing she wasn't ready emotionally to stand and say what she felt, now, 6 years later, she is. I am so very proud of her, she has been an inspiration to me and to other girls going thru similar things. She went thru hell for 2 years, and I am thankful this man pled guilty for the simple fact that my little girl didn't have to testify.
I am guessing his parole will be denied again, but there is a chance he will be granted parole and released. My daughter is no longer afraid of what might happen when he is no longer in prison. She was terrified, but she is a very strong young lady. 
We are all preparing for this hearing, altho she isn't afraid of him being out- she does want him to stay in prison. We will be sending a number of letters to the parole board, my daughter will have a speech prepared, and we plan to have the hearing room filled with family and biker friends! My girl feels safe with her biker family, her dad, and her boyfriend- who has been an incredible support for her as well as helped her come out of her shell and experience so much of life! 
One day I also have to face this man, but I need to prepare what I need to say, because I will only do it once. I won't bring back that past! There will be years of having to face parts of that, but my daughter and I have both chosen to live for now and leave that pain in the past, only facing those issues as they need to be.

Judgment

I need to vent today. I am so tired of people claiming to be good hearted, caring christians! Even leaving the christian part out of it... we have been taught acceptance and love, and to not be judgmental! And many of those who preach this are the worst! I may lose friends over this post, but really, if they can't accept my opinions and respect me for having them... they aren't the kind of friends I want!

Bowe Bergdahl. Prisoner of war for a few years. Everyone wanted him home... then we got him home and everyone turned on him! It's not his fault our gov't released war prisoners in exchange for him, don't blame him. There are rumors he deserted... ok, so he did walk away from his unit, but did he actually desert? We don't know! Troops were killed in attempts to rescue him... his fault? no! If your child was being held by the enemy wouldn't you want troops trying to save him? Wouldn't you want our president to do whatever he could... including trading for other prisoners? There are pictures of him smiling with his captors... and you say this means he was working with them. Really? How about trying to stay alive! They wanted him to appear well for our government! Treason... did he? I haven't even heard that until all these judgmental people started talking! But if he did, again, he was trying to stay alive!
This man should have been welcomed home with a celebration, instead- they cancelled any celebration due to controversy and possible protests! What if this was your child!? Would you care that he was scared and walked away? NO! You would be happy he's alive, and even more happy he is coming home! I feel terrible for his family! They have endured so much over the years he was held prisoner, then they get one day of joy when they are told he is coming home... then BAM! All the evil, judgmental, hatred started in.
Today it was announced he will be returning to regular duty. I'm sure if he did not want to return to military life, he could have avoided it with all he has been thru! But he is, he is still serving his country. There is an investigation in all of this, good! But let the experts investigate and release facts and make their decision! Who are you, or me, to make these judgments? Doesn't your Bible tell you that your 'God' is the only judge? Or a court of law, of course. 
Just as with any other controversial subject... "How does this directly affect your life?" answer... It doesn't! Why get yourself all worked up over something you cannot control and that doesn't change your life? Live and let live! Be glad this man was not another KIA in the masses we have lost! 
That's my rant for today. I'm sorry this isn't a more positive post, I am just so frustrated and my heart hurts for his family and what they are being put thru.
Blessed Be )O(

Life is What it Is

I have a lot of health issues, but I do my best not to allow them to control my life. One of my biggest pet peeves is seeing people complain that this hurts or that hurts and they don't want to go to work, or need more drugs to feel better. People make excuses to get out of things over the slightest ache or pain. If they had any idea what it is like to not be able to work because of their health, maybe their attitude would change! I have struggled my entire life with my epilepsy, I worked more than most people and raised a child mostly alone. Even after my stroke, I fought to return to work and have a normal life. Day after day it was a battle, but it wasn't an option for me! I wanted to work, so I told myself I could do it! Even now that my health has gotten to the point I can't work, yes, it still drives me insane that I can't! I have days I wake up feeling like I can't get out of bed... but I do. I don't always get things done when I want to, but I never give up! I rarely complain about how I feel... what good does that do? It throws negative energy out to the universe! Positive attitude puts positive energy out, bringing positive results back to me. Most of my friends don't even know how bad my health problems are, I don't like burdening them with my silly issues. Sometimes they think I am blowing them off if I cancel plans last minute, and really- I'd rather have them upset for that than have them thinking I'm too sick to enjoy myself.

Currently between my epilepsy, severe anxiety, depression, and possible ME... I struggle to leave my home without my husband, sometimes not even then. Do I like this life? No, but I love MY life, and these things are just a part of it that I have to deal with day to day. I never know if I will be able to make that ride we planned, or even the grocery shopping tomorrow... until that day, that hour gets here. A lot of times I force myself to get out even if I don't feel up to it, just so I can make an appearance and people won't think I am being anti-social or something. 

It is hard for people to understand what I go thru and how I feel, so I don't try to explain. Yes, I hurt, yes, I'm tired most of the time. Headaches, them too. And the seizures... nobody has any idea the pain and total exhaustion that goes along with them unless they have experienced the kind of seizures I have. 

I get up everyday, even if I feel like death. I take care of my animals and start my day no matter what. I look in the mirror and tell myself I can get thru this day and WILL get thru this day! And it's ok if I don't get everything accomplished that I had on my todo list. My health is more important than the laundry!

I would give anything to be able to have a job again and go to work everyday, doing something productive and helping to bring money into the home. My family tells me that I am still helping, even if not financially. Cooking, cleaning, and being there emotionally for everyone. I have never done well as a stay at home mom, but I accept it for what it is. Everything happens for a reason, my health challenges have been great lessons on a number of levels. And I will continue to be thankful for being able to get out of bed everyday and care for my family!

It is what it is, so make the best of it and love your life and be grateful for that job!

Independence Day 2014

What an amazing 4th of July weekend! I had an amazing time with family and friends. I think this is the first time in a very long time that I really enjoyed this holiday. Thursday night we had a friend and her kids for a marshmallow roast and laughs around the fire. Friday, the 4th, we had a few friends and their families over, friends I haven't spent much time with, it was really nice to see them and have the chance to talk and get to know these people better. We laughed, we BBQed, had lots of food and drink. We lit fireworks, and of course~ the fire pit and marshmallows! Such a wonderful time! Saturday was spent relaxing and recouperating, then family time spent with the dogs outside. Today was shopping and resting, and then finished off the weekend with a birthday party for one our favorite PGR friends. Then home for some bbq.

I continued all weekend thinking about how times have changed. So many people, especially children, don't even understand why we celebrate this day. Just like Memorial Day, they think it is National BBQ & Firework Day. It is sad to me, that these things are not taught properly, or appreciated the way it should be. But it is what it is, I know I am very grateful for my freedom! I lost it once, and I will forever remember the feeling of zero freedoms. I think it makes me appreciate all these holidays more than ever before.

Live and Let Go!

Sunday was the most amazing day, and I honestly feel different since then! What matters? My family and our happiness, not that cool pair of shoes at the mall! the trees and birds and beauty Mother Nature has to offer, not the latest hit movie in theaters. Does it matter that I rarely get help around the house? NO! Does it matter that the neighbors are loud? NO! Why allow the little things to ruin such a beautiful life? Why stress over things you cannot control? Life is short, life is amazing, let it happen! I am so very happy right now, altho I have things I could be stressed over, I'm not! The bills will get paid, laundry can get done tomorrow, that big project outside? it can wait until I am ready to do it... why push myself when it will cause pain? Family, friends, happiness, these are the priorities in life! I come across people who constantly complain... this hurts, that hurts, I don't have any money, my boyfriend is a jerk... really? I can top all of that! But it isn't a competition to see who is more miserable! Obviously those people are more miserable if they dwell on all that negativity! I have a lifelong illness that effects me daily... but I still get up everyday with a smile and set out to do what I can, the best I can... and not use my illness as an excuse! I can be happy no matter what I am faced with! If more people could view life this way, things would be so much calmer, more peaceful. My life has no room for drama, or gossip, or any of that craziness! My life has room for love.
I love you all, friends, family, readers of my blog. Blessed Be )O(