Yes, I Am Depressed

So I thought my miserable week was coming to an end... boy was I wrong! Still having seizures, and altho I was mentally and emotionally feeling better earlier today, truth is- I'm a mess! My depression will not let go! Maybe I am actually depressed all the time, and just have good moments here and there, rather than the other way around! I just don't know anymore. Reality is I am miserable and do my best not to let anyone see it! But apparently, that's a bad thing. When I do allow it to show I am told I'm being dramatic, or manic, or looking for sympathy... really? Screw you! I don't like people to see me not happy- I don't like not being happy! I don't want people to know how much I cry, how much I really don't like my life... but once in a while, I can't hold it back- it slips out. And those closest to me, who say they care, who matter the most and I think I can count on support from... where are they? They disappear, they are the one talking behind my back or telling me I'm looking for pity. Or they just fade away until they see that I am back to the person they expect me to be. Yeah, those are the friends I trust and keep close... Today is one of those days I feel like just keeping everyone at a distance and stop letting people in. Stop allowing myself to get hurt. But I know that eventually I want those people in my life, and I know that even if I did push them away- I would be stupid and let someone else in who would do the same damned thing.
Depression really sucks! A year ago I was seeing a therapist, and was really making progress on my issues. I really wish I was still seeing her! Or any therapist! I know I need it! I had to stop therapy because winter came and I didn't have the car. Then I gave up my license which made it pretty much impossible to get there. 
So I will be depressed, and I will deal with it. If my so called friends can't accept that- they don't need to be my friends. If they only want the happy Red- they don't get any Red. This is who I am, I have been for a long time, and I doubt I can just make it change. 
Years ago I thought depression was just in a persons head, something you go thru and get over. I was raised that you weren't sick unless you were really physically sick, you didn't need a doctor unless you were gushing blood or projectile vomiting. But I have learned that is far from true! I suffer depression. It does not just go away! And the more that I go thru in life, yes, the worse it gets! I was in denial for a long time about it, but not anymore. I still try to hide it but I know I am sick, I know this is a problem. I no longer lie to myself about it... but I do lie to everyone else. I don't want them to see me from the inside, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or stay away because I'm not a happy person. I pretend to be happy, I struggle to smile every day. I search for things to be happy about, I find positive in every day to try to counter all the negative inside of me. 
As my health progressively gets worse, my depression gets worse. Makes sense, as I see my health decline and realize I am becoming more limited in the things I can do. Which also limits the things my husband can do... or will do because he doesn't want to do them without me. My declining health keeps me from being active, from even doing basic day to day stuff at home! The thought of a future of not being able to care for my family- or even myself- is terrifying! 
Yes, I'm depressed!