I don't speak much of my personal experience, but I was in probably one of the most abusive relationships I have ever even heard about. I fell in love... and made a vow when I married him. I was young, what did I know besides what I grew up being taught? You marry someone forever, if you love them- you make it work. I stayed for more than a year. I don't know how many times I ended up in the ER during that 15 months, or how many time I should have gone to the ER but didn't.
My first husband loved me, I know this. But like me, all he knew of marriage was what he grew up seeing at home. His mom was abused daily by his father, he was also abused by his father. He believed that this is how it works when you get married. We had an incredible relationship for the 2 years we dated... then 2 weeks after we got married- everything changed. He was no longer the man I had dated. And it just got progressively worse.
It didn't help that he had a fascination with guns, knives, and other weapons... just made it more- interesting for him... scary for me.
He hurt me in ways most people can't imagine. I was burned, cut, had loaded guns in places no one wants a gun pointed! But every time he hurt me, I got flowers and a card. Every time he hurt me, he knew it was wrong, he knew it was because of his father... but he couldn't stop himself. It wasn't drugs- he rarely even smoked pot, it wasn't alcohol- we drank on weekends only and it wasn't to get drunk- at least not for him! It was his childhood, his dad.
I remember standing over him one night while he slept, I had a loaded gun in my hand pointed at his head. I stood there with tears running down my face for probably an hour... I was ready to kill him, to save myself. But what if I missed? Or only injured him and he woke up? I'd be dead! He wouldn't hesitate to kill me then!
He was never afraid of me. He taught me to use every gun we owned, and every gun was always fully loaded in the house. He bought me my own gun to carry. There was a trust in our relationship, it wasn't based on fear or threat, it was true trust. I guess it was a really strange relationship we had.
One day I stood looking in the mirror... I had a couple scars from knives, some burn scars, a scar from a bullet that had grazed me, I had bruises on my chest and breast, and some swelling on my face. "What the hell am I doing? This is suicide!" I had started using cocaine to dull the pain. I worked three jobs so I didn't have to face the possibility of being hurt again that day. I drank... all the time, starting with vodka in my morning coffee.
It had to end. But when? How far would this go? I loved him! I couldn't' just walk away! Would he kill me? He tried to stop, really he did. He saw a therapist, he wanted me to be his wife and mother of his children. We still had an amazing relationship most of the time, he loved me like I can't explain. He risked his life for me during our marriage, and I know he would have given his life for me. People say they don't love you if they hit you... that isn't true. I know he loved me.
One night I got home from work and he was upset about something. And so it began... I told him I was done with this, he couldn't hurt me like this anymore. If it didn't stop, I was leaving. He got more angry, and this was the worst beating I ever took from him...
As I walked into my parents house that night, my dad wanted to call 911, I begged him not to. My mother looked at my bleeding face, broken cheek bone, broken tooth, and gashed open arm... "I told ya so" and walked in the other room.
People tell me they have been abused and I have no idea what it is like. I understand more than they can ever realize. But I don't advertise that I was abused. I loved him, and I did not want to hurt him or his reputation in the world we lived in. Many of the people I know today, also knew him- I have no reason to make those people think differently of him. And I have no desire to bring back the pain.
Life after the past, right? that was almost 30 years in the past! But somewhere in my head- I see his face and I still smile, but if I hear his voice... I panic.
If you or someone you know is ever in a violent situation- don't tell them to leave, they have to be ready to do this on their own. Support them, be there for them, love them... and never turn them away!
No comments:
Post a Comment