I had another really bad seizure last night. It topped off the week of feeling like crap perfectly. My seizures are becoming stronger again, and more often. Honestly, I am scared. They seem to knock me on my ass worse than they have in the past. I'm getting older, I know this, takes more out of me, takes longer to recover. But I hurt everywhere, and I don't feel any better now, at 10pm, than I did after the seizure at 5am! What is going to happen ten years from now? I already feel like I need to be taken care of and watched over, I feel like I am preventing Troy from doing the things he enjoys. I can't be a part of the things I enjoy nearly as much as I used to! Riding with my husband used to be the best thing in the world! Now, I can't do it very often, and when I do, I pay for it physically! I can't be the person I want to be! It is so depressing! I really don't like feeling sorry for myself or sounding like I want sympathy... this is just how I feel.
On the positive side! I see my family doctor this week, and plan to discuss some of my medical concerns with her and get a referall for a new neurologist! Maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel!
You don't know what really my health problems are, do you? I've never shared more than my epilepsy. I chronic bronchitis and early stage emphysema... they thew that under the umbrella term COPD. I have an inhaler, but rarely use it. I stay indoors when the air is bad, I struggle when we have bad air and humidity. Day to day it isn't too bad, but I do notice it. My anxiety is a result of a number of things, I finally caved and got medicated for it, which has helped immensely! Rare to have major panic attacks anymore, and I can deal with the small ones. I've had cataract surgery in both my eyes, causing me to need reading glasses and I struggle to do much without getting headaches. Since the mini stroke so much has changed with my health... sometimes I wonder if it just a result of that, or results of my seizures, or if there truly is something else wrong with me... I have had problems that have symptoms of things like MS, fibro, ME, and who knows what else! This is a big reason I need to find a new doctor who can listen to my problems and give me suggestions on who to see and give me some answers! I am ok with things as long as I have an explanation! But not knowing why I get these pains and dizzy spells, and memory loss and everything else... drives me nuts! Depression has seemed to get much worse in recent years, I'm sure it is due to all this other crap, along with not being able to work and help support my family.
I think the memory loss is the worst part of it. Short term memory seems to be slipping more every day, and that scares me a lot! I have always been so good at multi tasking and being able to keep lists in my head... now if someone tells me something that needs to be on the shopping list, I forget what it was by the time I walk in the next room to write it down! If I even remember why I came in that room! I get random stabbing pains, I get random throbbing pains. I never got headaches until maybe the past 2 years.
I have small seizures every day now, the slightest thing can trigger what I call mid sized seizures, and even big ones. with the various types I have, I would estimate I have 25 seizures a week now, on a good week maybe 15, on a bad week probably as many as 100! Yes, there have been days I have had over 2 dozen in one day! crazy right? No one knows this. they happen when no one is here or the small ones are so small people in the house don't notice I have them most of the time. So why stress people out when there truly is nothing that can be done? Troy can't stop them, and when I have these little ones, there is nothing anyone can do to help- so why worry them. I love my husband and my daughter, and I don't' want them constantly worrying about me! They deserve to have some stress free time! My daughter is 22 and has an amazing guy in her life. She worries about me enough as it is, I can't have her neglecting her life and her good times to take care of or worry about me.
I do love my life, when I feel good, everything is amazing! Even when I don't feel well, I have a good life outside my health trouble, and I recognize that and thank the goddess every day for what I have! I will survive and I will get thru all this- I always do. But it gets harder every day to believe that it is all going to be ok.
Sorry for such negativity today, I just need to let the real me out and not be afraid to show this side of me. People need to understand why I get in my moods and what my issues really are. Like I said, no matter how sick I feel, I always find a reason to smile every day and something to be grateful for every day to bring positive into what can be a very negative day.
Which reminds me... Yesterday we went for a ride. A very long ride! My sweet friend with breast cancer was in town and I was able to find a back seat for her because we really wanted to spend time together and she really wanted to go for a ride! This girl is such an inspiration to me! She had a double mastectomy two weeks ago, is still healing and dealing with the fact that she went from a quite large chest to this. She was told a couple days ago what she has coming in the near future with radiation and chemo. She has so much on her plate! Yet she rode with us yesterday- 10 hours on the bike, I woke her up so we could be on the bikes before the sun came up! We hit cold weather, rain, and she was not at all dressed for riding! This girl had a smile on her face every time I looked at her! She complained of a couple dizzy spells, and a couple bad pains that had me really concerned, but she still rode out the day and smiled thru it all! I love this girl! If she can manage that smile with all she is struggling with... then my issues should be nothing!
)O( Love & Light
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