Days Like These

Days like these give me such emotional struggles. I am happy but hurting.

A little over eleven years ago, I was told I was going to have another baby. I was thrilled! I already had my daughter, she was 11, and I had been told I could not have anymore children. When I married husband number four, he was heart broken that he would never a child of his own. So this was amazing news for us. In March, a year and a week after we were married, I gave birth...

To this adorable little chunk. Her first year was so amazing! I had this wonderful little life who was always full of smiles and always brought smiles to everyone around.

Shortly after her first birthday, is when my world started to collapse. My older daughter taken from me by her father, for good reason. My home torn apart by police. Then the unthinkable... I was being forced to give up my baby to foster care if I couldn't find a family member to take her until all the investigation and court stuff was done. 

Long story short, I was put in a position of giving her up for good, or traumatizing her with an unsure future.

The couple I asked to adopt her are amazing! They have been able to give her things I never could have. They love her more than life itself. And I am beyond grateful to have them in her life.

So the emotional up and down...

This weekend is the annual family reunion camping trip for my first  daughters dads family. Did I mention the couple who adopted my little one is related to my older one on her dads side? My girls have plenty of chances to see each other and spend time, this weekend being one of those. This little chunk has grown into a beautiful ten year old, she knows her sister, she knows she's adopted. I am happy and blessed to be able to have these girls in each others lives. Sisters are so very important! And they love each other so much! This is the up. I love that they are spending time together, keeping their relationship alive. Kayla is there for little sister!

The low? I am not there to see it. I am not-yet- in her life. I see pictures, I hear stories, but I can't reach out and touch this girl who I created. I can't hear her voice or tell her how much I love her. It hurts. I miss her. And I love her so much! There are so many things I want her to know... In time, I know I will be able to. But when I see her with her sister, when I hear that she is with Grandma while I'm on the phone with Grandma... it just tears me up.

I know I did what was best for her. And what was best for everyone involved, including myself. But most importantly- her. She was, and always will be the person who matters. I wanted her to be happy and healthy and have a good life... and that is what I gave her. That is what her (adoptive) parents have given her. And I love them and thank them daily in my prayers!

Here are my girls... one is 22, will be 23 before her little sister turns 11. Aren't they stunning?