My Birthday Weekend- Fun, fabulous... fear

This entire year has been so full of change- I truly did go on a soul searching mission, I needed to re-find myself, my passions, figure out what truly is important to me. When we moved in June, I walked away from a lot of people who I honestly felt just weren't that important anymore. I have eliminated so much negative from my life, and welcomed so much peace, I have built relationships that feel good to me, and am still working on rebuilding relationships that I have realized are important.
We had a number of things to take care of in the city and had put them off- knowing we would end up going to the city during the holidays whether we wanted to or not. So we made a list of what had to be done and who we truly wanted to see, and Friday we headed up.
Priorities were deal with first thing- business. Then off to visit a few people.
I can truly say our visit with my parents, altho short, was the best time I have had with them in I don't even know how long. We talked, we laughed, it was like everything is finally normal with us... after all the hurt and the anger, the years of no contact... I feel like I have my mom and dad again- and it is the best feeling ever!
We stayed the night with my mother-in-law and had a nice visit with her as well. She is truly the sweetest, kindest woman I have ever had in my life. We went to dinner with her and just spent some time visiting. She is often alone, both of her kids live a couple hours away. But she is a very kind and loving woman.
Saturday started with a phone call from my daughter- as my birthday always does, It sucks that I can't see her more, but that is part of having our kids grow up. Then some friends met us for breakfast, it was great to just relax and laugh with a bunch of our friends who really didn't even know each other! People I missed more than I realized- people who I care about a lot. There were people who couldn't be there that do mean the world to me, but it felt good that these few took the time to come see us.
We made one last stop half way home to see a dear friend who I realized I haven't seen in almost 3 years- but the friendship remains, she makes me laugh like no other.
We came home and spent a quiet evening at home with our fur babies who missed us terribly! Birthdays aren't what they used to be- I didn't care that I wasn't out drinking and dancing, I just wanted to be home.
Then Sunday came... catching up on chores and such, and watching football. Then a call from my daughter again... reality. Fear hit hard, shock, panic really. Her dad, my ex husband, had a heart attack. He turned 50 the day before and has always been one of the healthiest people I know. How does that even happen? I was overwhelmed with sudden thoughts of how do I help my daughter thru this- how would I help my daughter thru this if it had been a more serious heart attack? The thought of losing him has never entered my mind. My heart hurt, for her, for his mom who has been my best friend and my rock for almost 30 years, for my good friend who just became his wife a couple months ago... and for myself. I thank the gods he is going to be ok! He was taken by helicopter to the U of U, and if all goes well he could be home tomorrow. So much goes thru your head when something like this happens. I worry about my daughter, she knows her grand parents aren't well- but to have this now, to have the concern over her dad, too, just makes me sad. She has dealt with my health issues for as long as she can remember- but they have never been life threatening.
I think it is time for all of us to reevaluate our lifestyle choices and make some changes and do what it takes to improve our health and live longer so we can be here for her for as long as possible.

Family Time

My daughter and I have always been so very close... until she got married. Our relationship became strained, we didn't spend time together- we hardly even talked much. She moved away, then I moved further away the other direction.
Things are getting back to normal with us- talking more, laughing more... and she came to spend this past weekend with us.

Nothing compares to time spent with the one person who is truly your everything. We had an amazing time just being together, the three of us. We spent some time with friends, we went sight seeing, and just hung out at the house together.

I wish she lived closer, I wish we could see each other more, I wish a lot of things for her. But she is living the best life she can and I am so proud of her and the life she is making for herself. 

Sadly our visit barely lasted 48 hours... but every minute was cherished. We took the time, with the help of a dear friend, to get photos and memories of this weekend. We haven't had real photos done for so many years- it is nice to have something updated, as well as memories of our time together.

This is us, this is out life, this is my world...

I was so truly happy this weekend, nothing mattered other than the moment. I love my life and I am so blessed to have this husband and this daughter.

Something About a Small Town

A year ago if someone had said "hey, let's go out tonight," I would have given them a list of reasons not to go... Friday night traffic, crowds, drunk drivers, the list goes on. That was life in the city, we stayed in most weekends because we just didn't feel safe going out, or have any desire to deal with crowds of any kind.
Tonight Troy came home from work and I said lets go! We drove into town and parked behind the diner. The place was packed, I think we got the last table other than the 8-top. We had a nice dinner, I chatted with the lady raffling a quilt for a fund raiser, we saw people coming and going with faces painted for Day of the Dead... and the entire staff had their faces and hair done, as well. 
After dinner we walked Main Street. It was a beautiful night- the weather was just right, not too cold. Families and people walking their dogs, the tamale lady we can always count on to be there, there was a booth doing flu shots, the galleries and shops were all open. We went to the new Harley museum... when we came out I could hear the kids across at the park laughing and playing. THIS is why I wanted to live in a small town. Kids can play after sunset and not be afraid of being snatched away, people can wander in the street and not fear being hit by a car. People come out on Friday nights- not to cause trouble, but to have fun!
We talked to strangers, we enjoyed being outside. To date I have heard one siren since we moved here, I've seen no car accidents. I don't hear traffic other than an occasional loud train.
I stepped outside before bed last night leaving my porch light off- I saw so many stars! There is almost no light pollution here to keep me from seeing them.
This move has had its ups and downs, and sometimes I have to remind myself why we made this decision... last night was one of those reminders that my small town gave me without me having to tell myself.
It was a perfect evening in this new chapter of our life.

4 letters...

Dear Young Teen Girl~ So many people will ask why you didn't speak out sooner, why you let it continue. You will be told what you 'should have' done... you can't change the past. I bet I know why you never spoke up- you were scared, manipulated, confused. Don't let any of this make you feel inferior, don't allow this experience to define you, and don't you ever let anyone tell you that it was your fault- even what is to come- it is not your fault! You have a long road of healing and court and rebuilding your own life and your relationships with your family. You won't be ok tomorrow, you may not be ok next year... but you will be ok. He hurt you, he violated your trust and your privacy and so many other aspects of you. He lied and probably made you lie, and he will be in a place far from where he can ever hurt you or anyone in your family ever again. Don't let this weigh you down, rise up and grow from this experience, be strong and move forward with your life, help others to be strong- teach them that what happened to you is not ok and they need to use their voice. Strengthen your bond with your sister, and your mother. Your mother feels she failed you, feels like the worst mother ever... she didn't do this, she would have done something if she had known. She loves you more than life!
Dear Mother of Teen Girl~ You did not fail! You are not responsible. I know what people are saying to you- I also know what your response is. 'How could you not know?' People like him are good at what they do, hiding it, manipulating the child. And you had your dream! You had the man of your dreams and your family and he took such good care of you all... you were blinded by that to anything going on that might take that away. He made sure you were happy, so you wouldn't question anything he did. He had your trust, what would make you doubt him? You did not fail your daughter, it hurts! It is not just an emotional pain- it is a physical pain that won't go away any time soon... but it will go away. And you will heal and your daughter will heal. More than ever you and your family need to bond and be stronger than ever together, support her, believe her! Hear her. You need time to heal, she needs time to heal. Be that mom that your daughter needs, show her what a strong and amazing young lady you are creating in her. Therapy- family therapy, healing process and putting it behind you. But don't hide behind the walls of your home. Have a voice, don't let this experience fade into the shadows- make it known what he has done to your daughter, to your family. Make it known that this is not acceptable for any step parent or parent. Make it known that your family is stronger than he is. Believe in your daughter, believe in yourself... and believe that people believe you. Don't allow anyone to blame you.
Dear Step Father- How dare you! You married a woman you supposedly loved, you took on her children and created a family. You had them all trusting you and loving you. And then you manipulate everything and destroy every aspect of that picture perfect family. You lied to them all, you kept secrets and made them keep secrets from each other! You scared an innocent girl into doing what you wanted. And in a matter of hours 4 innocent lives crumbled because of your sick, selfish, disgusting existence! Your wife has had the man who she trusted and loved exposed as a monster, she has had her children ripped from her home, and she has been attacked by outsiders for not protecting her children from you. Two girls have been forever traumatized by you, they can- and will heal emotionally, but the physical scars and the nightmares... no, they will live with that. And a young man who is far away in the military unable to rush to his sisters' side or his mothers to comfort any of them right now. You are the definition of evil.
Dear Former Friend~ I am completely mind blown by what I have heard and read over the past 48 hours. You? No, that isn't you... yeah, it is. But you love your family... UGH! Why didn't I see this? I've been there- and you know that! I opened up to you about the hell we went thru, the nightmare my daughter lived. What I as a mom went thru and as the wife of that monster. And you acted like you fucking cared! I hate you! I have literally been sick to my stomach thinking about this. Why? No, I know why... because I have been there! You just sicken me. I am still just at a loss for words at this point- you were my friend! Like a little brother! How did I not see this in you? Maybe because you live so far away and we were never around each other, I don't know. But I guess it just goes to show- you never truly know a person.

Just in time

When we were first talking about leaving the city we had a lot of reasons- traffic, noise, accidents... the basic stuff that pushes peoples buttons. Shortly before we left, we witnessed a sheet being pulled over a biker- that had followed numerous motorcycle accidents already this year. I feared getting on the bike anymore.
After we left the city it seemed every week there were multiple motorcycle accidents- and more than half were fatal.
In the past month or so- there have been more bike accidents, a large number of fatal car accidents, and shootings! Violence seems to be on the rampage up there lately! My last place of employment has been robbed twice! The last time, the clerk was stabbed! All of this terrifies me!
We truly did leave just in time. Are we free of all that here? Of course not- I know that. But I think we are a lot less likely to be caught in the middle of a shooting or get stabbed when we go for a snack, or even be victim of a drunk driver.
My daughter is learning to drive, scares the hell out of me! she will be driving and moving back to the city. I know- she's an adult, she needs to face the things we all do. But those mom thoughts will always be in my head- why can't I just protect her forever? Then soon her sister will be driving too? I haven't raised my other daughter, but she is still in my head every single day. Her dad is amazing, so is her mom, I know they are teaching her well, but the things happening in the city- most of the time can't be avoided! You can't forsee a drunk driver coming at you, you can't know that your work is going to be held up- or that an ex will lose his mind and come hunt you down with a gun.
I see these things on the news and just breathe a sigh of relief that I am not in the middle of that anymore. I will worry every day for the rest of forever about my girls and others I care about... But as I keep reminding myself, I have chosen to live for me, we moved to save ourselves.
So now what do I worry about here? I worry about the first deer that comes into the yard and what my dog will do! I worry about my husbands work truck having problems in the winter... yes, small town life is stressful! lol

Random thoughts

Been thinking a lot about things that have or haven't happened over the years, opportunities I had, choices I made... where I would be today had I made different choices.
The first big one- what if I had admitted to myself and to others that I preferred women over men way back when...? Everything would be different, that's for sure! I wouldn't have 2 amazing daughters, and that is probably the biggest difference.But it would have completely changed the path of my life- jobs, education, even where I lived. Where would I be today?
Second- much further down the road. What if I had taken that job, that one job that would have given me a career, a future, benefits including retirement... as a single mom- that was a dream come true- that I turned down.
What if I had pulled the trigger that night? would I be locked up for murder for the rest of my life? before I had kids. Or would they have seen it as I did- or as I chose to- defending my own life, protecting me.
All the choices to this point were made because I needed something different than what was in front of me. Some logical choices, some emotional choices- either way, they were what I felt was best in the long term.
Moving on to other 'what-ifs'...
I made a choice to start doing pornography. There were, at the time, a number of positives to this! But what if I hadn't? What if I had stepped back and chosen to not take that path? That really is a big question mark in my mind. I still have no regrets from that part of my life, I have no regrets about anything. It was an interesting experience, fun, educational, very profitable...
Which brings me to my next 'what if'...
Where would I be today if I had gone back into that line of work after prison? Would I be married? Would I be rich? Would I even be successful with it at this age?
My point that has been eating at me is this... no matter what choices I made, they were what I needed at the time to bring me to where I am today. Today I am happy. I may not have as much money as I would like, I may not have the retirement savings to keep my mind at ease. I may still have nightmares about that night with the gun. But I am happy. I have everything I need and want- a wonderful husband, who never would have come into my life if any of those choices had been different, a beautiful daughter, who may not even exist if some of those choices had been different.
Life gives us choices every single day. We can take option A or option B- one will take us down a completely different path than the other. But as I have learned, you can't allow yourself to over think these options. Do what feels right! Don't look at them both and ask where will this take me 10 years from now- because I can tell you from experience, a choice you make today may be offset by one you make tomorrow, or next month.
Live for now, live for happiness. And for goodness sake don't dwell on the past and those what ifs!  

The story of Troy

This amazing guy- my husband... turned 50 this past week. Life I'm sure has not turned out the way he expected, our marriage- I know is not what he expected.

I met Troy in 1984 in high school. We had a ton of mutual friends and he was the quieter one of the group... always there, but never got into trouble, never was the center of attention. He was nice with the bad boy look. I was a year older, and pretty much had my life planned out- engaged already.
We remained friends thru my dark marriage and rebellious divorce period... even went out once... until I drifted away to live my life day by day, taking things as they came. 
Fast forward to when I became a mom. I was separated from my husband and working nights at Village Inn- back when they were a 24 hour place. Troy would come in, sometimes alone sometimes with friends- sit for hours drinking coffee. He rode his motorcycle year round, we would make sure he had plenty of hot coffee! He came in almost every night and would help care for my daughter. There were many nights I had no choice but to take her to work with me, and she was so happy with him.
Again life got in the way and we lost track of each other. I married a third time (to another friend of Troys), left the state for a while. Then was in a long term relationship that ended weeks before I was to marry again. Then met someone I thought would be my last. Turns out he and Troy knew each other, I saw Troy off and on at the coffee shop during that time.
That marriage turned my entire life up-side-down, I thought I would never see anyone I knew again- ever.
Fast forward 2007... I was working at a gas station and guess who walked thru the door! I threw my arms around him like he was my long lost brother! I had been thru some shit and every familiar face at that point was a blessing!  He told me to go outside with him, he needed to show me something... so I did. He finally, after so many years, got himself a brand new Harley. He was so excited to show it to me, so proud of that bike! We talked for a few minutes until I had to get back to work. We made plans to go for a ride.
We have been together ever since.
Troy had a good job driving truck locally, I quickly moved up from a cashier to assistant manager, to getting my own store. He helped me get places- I was truly just starting my life over, with nothing. He helped my self esteem, he helped me believe in myself so I could climb to where I got. He stood by me when a lot of people wouldn't. He didn't care what others thought or said. Troy loved me for me... and still does.
Troy has been there for me thru things I never would have expected in my life, he has supported me emotionally and financially. He has sat at my bedside thru major illnesses and surgeries, and sat at my side when we celebrated my high points as well. He has put up with who I am and things I do... face it- I am not the quiet reserved type! He never said a word when I chose to help this friend or that family when they were in need of a roof over their head- he helped me.
When depression set in he just wanted me to be better, he was willing to do anything to make sure I was ok...
Which led us to where we are today. I needed out of the city, I couldn't take it anymore. He went along with what I wanted, he left an amazing job- giving up all the benefits, he left everything he has ever known... to move to small town life- for me.
It has not been an easy adjustment for him, for either of us. But he is making the best of it until we get our life where we want it to be... because he knows this is what is saving my life.
We have had our share of ups and downs, separations, talk of divorce, all couples go thru hard times. We aren't a typical couple, behind closed doors we are much different than what our friends see... or are we? I am more in love with this man than I was the day I married him. There were times I questioned my love for him- but every day that passes, every challenge we face together, I fall more in love with the man he is and the husband he is.
I was so lucky to find him when I did. He truly is my happily ever after... no matter what we face. It will be together.

Defeated But Not

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and sometimes it gives us an entire shut out. But somehow we always find a way to hit that ball out of the park, right?
This week has been full of curve balls! I have felt so completely defeated. But it isn't because of anything I did wrong- I have to remember this! I have done everything right, everything I could to the best of my ability to make things fall into place as they should... but those curve balls come out of random places that I have no control over.
We hit a detour with the house- not a road block! We had expected to close this week, but something that we knew was going to hold us back, but had gotten swept under the rug by the mortgage lady- came back to bite us... we have to wait until December. My dream of being home owners before my husband turns 50 went out the window this week, but we will be home owners before 2018 is over. I am forced to find the positive in all of it, and really- there are positives in waiting!
This entire parenting thing SUCKS! In my childs eyes I am sure I am the worst mother ever, and at this point I just don't care anymore. I have done everything I can, destroyed my own emotional and mental health trying to be the mom she wants me to be... but I honestly don't think she even knows what she wants from me. She wants support- I support her- I get attacked for treating her like a child. I can't win... I'm just done playing. The last 2 years have completely killed my heart and soul, I have nothing left to give her. She isn't a person I recognize, she isn't a person who cares about anything or anyone that matters. I lost her to a darkness that I won't- can't- allow myself to be involved with any longer. All I can do is hope and wait... for the day her wakes up from the nightmare we see.
A lot of changes in my life in recent months, a lot more to come- I'm sure. I've started with a second direct sales company, I am looking to get a part time job. My husband is still adjusting to small town life and we are both searching for that place to fit in here. It doesn't happen over night- but I know in a couple years everything will be so perfect for us here! Right now it's rough, depression in us both- but we are supporting each other and lifting each other up... getting thru it together.
Tears have been flowing off and on all week, but I am getting thru it all. One day I can say the stress was worth it when we sign for this home. One day my daughter will love me again and just maybe see that her happiness is all that has mattered to me- ever.

Was t Worth It

Three and a half years- you were out of prison and out of trouble for three and a half years. You had finally left my head- the fears and anxiety of bumping into you- didn't even enter my head anymore, the stress of my daughter seeing you at the mall- always there to some degree- but very much faded. You, your face, your existence- barely a thought. My daughter- forever traumatized by you- no longer living in the county you are in, me- moving hours away, and the child we had together- wouldn't know you if she were standing next to you... peace of mind was finally found, your existence almost forgotten.
Then out of the blue... a phone call... "you are receiving this call because you are registered with VINE to receive notifications of any status change in an offender named...."
The next 24 hours was filled with stress. Did he hurt someone else? Did he run? Is he going back to prison? Off parole?
Within hours I was able to find that a warrant had been issued- not by the city or county, by the Board of Pardons. Parole violation. OMG, he did it to someone else, is what went thru my head. My heart hurt as I laid in bed sleepless that night. First thing yesterday morning I was able to get more information- I spoke to the board, I spoke to his parole officer... no, no one else has been hurt. You violated your parole by committing a totally different crime. What were you thinking? A crime that will get you sent to another state to stand trial and serve time- as much time as you served here your first time around. I shouldn't care, and really- I don't! But I cannot wrap my head around the thought process. I hear of people all the time re-offending shortly after release because they have become institutionalized and cannot live without that structure... but you had over three years of staying out of trouble!
24 hours after that phone call, I got confirmation that you were in custody and behind the gates of the Utah State Prison again. Your family- clueless, your victims- elated... and breathing a sigh of relief. Relief because we no longer have to worry about bumping into you at the mall or standing next to you at a bus stop, relief that my youngest child can go to school with her parents not fearing an abduction or any kind of contact.
As I laid my head down on my feather pillow, stretched my legs in my queen sized bed, felt the a/c blowing over me... I did think about you- I thought about that flat pillow that has been slept on by dozens of others, that 3 inch thick mat that is barely as tall as you are, in an 8x8ft cinder block room. Was it worth it? When I stepped outside at 1am for some fresh air and to see the stars- I thought about you... locked in that cinder block room 23 hours a day. Was it worth it? When I woke up this morning and made a cup of coffee and stepped outside for a cigarette- I thought about you being given food with no choice of what you eat or drink. Was it worth it? As I drove to the post office this morning- I thought about you... you can write a letter- but to who? You can make a phone call- when they tell you you are allowed... and if anyone will accept charges for it. Was it worth it? I'm sitting here on my computer- able to search any website, email anyone, with my phone at my side able to call anyone anytime... thinking of you... no internet, no computer- just paper and pencil. Was it worth it?
You went to prison for 9 years because you "thought you could get away with it." Yes, that statement is burned into my head forever. Was that worth it? Your family, your friends, your reputation, your life- forever changed. Was that worth it? It must have been, because I cannot comprehend how you would do something to put you back in that same position.
I was so close to making arrangements to come face to face with you, to confront my demons of that chapter of my life... to look you in the eye and say the things I need to say to you, ask the things I need to ask. That option is gone... out the window the minute you were taken into custody. I cannot visit you in prison, the protective order won't allow that. So I will again stare you down will flames in my eyes as you enter the room for your hearing- as I have each time. And after that, I will close the door on that chapter again, hopefully for good this time.
Remember the card reader? Remember what she said? This would be your only chance... she was right... and look at what you did to that chance, look at what you did to destroy what you created... look at where you are now...
Was It Worth It?

understanding depression

People who have never truly lived with depression, really don't understand what goes thru my head most of the time. It isn't as simple as 'just breathe' or 'smile, you'll feel better.' I get told to just BE positive... really? My mind doesn't work the same way as other people.
People see me as feeling sorry for myself... no, far from it! I am blaming myself for everything that is wrong in the world. Seeking attention? no, the tears I hide are much more than what anyone ever sees, the thoughts I have- most never leave my own head. Tell me I am being dramatic- all I am doing is reaching out for help, trying to release some of the pain in my own head. But most people don't see any of that...
I cry and scream behind closed doors. I question my purpose, my journey, even my existence. But most people don't see that side- they see the mask I put on when I leave my house, the smile that comes thru on the occasions that I am actually enjoying life. But that is not the norm- and no one gets that.
When I try to close off and focus on me, trying to figure things out in my life and get back on a level ground for a while- I get attacked for shutting people out, not doing what I am 'expected' to do. Why do people expect anything of me? Because I have pretended for so long to be ok?
Depression SUCKS! And what makes it worse is when you feel attacked by those around you who claim they care, but they don't understand.
I read a really good article last night called "Invisible 280."  For every person who loses their life to suicide- there are 280 people who survive- whether it be surviving that attempt, or stopping just before that moment. I am one of them. The suicidal thoughts, and attempts- ran rampant in my head for a long time- daily. I started to get better, I thought I past all that. Moving to a small town and completely changing every aspect of my life has been much harder on me than I anticipated. The depression has come flooding back, thoughts of taking my own life- yes, thoughts of acting on it- not at this point. But right now I don't even have anyone to talk me down from there if I did get there.
Fake friends, judgmental friends, people telling me I'm making bad choices and doing the wrong things with my life... isn't this MY life? So many people have left me, walked away from supporting me and my choices in the past couple months. That doesn't help my depression. I mean, I always feel alone- no matter who is or isn't there to support me- the feeling of having an empty lonely life is a constant.
If I could take away this disease, I would in a heartbeat! People think I use depression to get the attention and as an excuse for various things... no, I hate it! I can't live the life I want to be living, I have lost important people in my life.
This truly is a daily battle. And whether I have people to support me or not, I will do my best to push thru each day... as I always have.
Go ahead and say what you will, talk about me behind my back, attack me to my face... but until you truly understand what goes on in my head- or anyone who suffers depression- you have no right to judge me.
My hope... for those who don't have a mental illness to try to learn more. My hope- if this disease ever does take my life- that those of you who have been one of those people mentioned above, will learn to understand how you can help someone else in the future rather than causing more damage.
My hope... that some day there will be a real treatment for this nightmare, and people won't have to live like this.

Lost

I've been a little lost lately, trying to find my purpose and what I should be doing. I am not saying I am not happy, I am just in a major transition... and finding it hard to get thru.
I left the city. I left with hopes and dreams of a better life and a better quality of life. I left behind a big part of who I have been for a long time. So now I have to create a new life, a new me. I need to find what it is that I really want in this next chapter. I want peace, I know this. I want my marriage to thrive- we have struggled from the beginning for a number of reasons, and this is our chance to refresh what we had, to get to know each other again. No distractions like we had in the city.
I walked away from the charity, and all the charitable things I did to help others- I really believe that weighed on me physically and emotionally, and I feel my time for those things has passed... and I am ok with that. I walked away from so many friends- not just leaving the city, but removing them from  my social media. A few of whom have come back into my life- who truly are meant to be here. I walked away from negativity... but have I come to a different kind of negativity?
I have found a place that I feel happy and content and where I can see my future- my permanent future. A place where my husband and I can grow old together.
Things never go a perfectly as planned, and we are experiencing that with the purchase of our home getting pushed back, and my husbands job having some minor issues. But I am hanging on, and doing what I need to do to make everything fall into place.
The idea of leaving the company I have represented for almost 4 years really threw me for a loop yesterday. But I cannot allow myself to believe that defined me. Yes, I am a Thriver, no, that is not all I am. But it still leaves a hole in who I was.
Maybe once we sign on this home, I will start to feel like I belong and fit in, and will find my niche in this community or at least in who I am.
I'm finding it hard to not have my daughter around, to not have her a major part of my life. But that was a choice I had to make.
I know in time I will find my way... but for now I feel lost.

Mixed Emotions

Today was filled with super excitement and happiness, followed by huge sadness and tears. I'm not even sure how I feel right now, other than this- I have again failed... I failed my husband and I failed my team.

This morning I got everything run thru and approved and set up to start as a consultant for Pampered Chef. I love their products, I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity with joining the company- and I jumped on it! I know I can do well with this business, not only make money but fill my own kitchen with the products I love at a super discounted price! Yay me! 
Then my husband came home from work early... sad, upset, lost. I started questioning our choice to move here. He left everything for me, he came here because it was what was best for me. And now he isn't happy. Yeah, guilt set in- I failed him.
Just when I am trying to bring myself out of that hole- a phone call... what the hell have I done? Apparently by becoming a consultant for this company, I am in violation of the rules of promoting for the company I've been with for over 3 years. I can't do both. I have to make a choice? I am risking losing even my right to buy the products that I love and have completely changed my life! How do I make a choice like that? I made a financial investment in this new company, and I feel strongly that the financial rewards will be better than what I have done with LeVel. I am a Thriver for life and I will always support the company and recommend the products- no matter what! But I am being forced to make a choice between the two, and I hate that. Had I understood that in the beginning- things would be very different today. I feel I have let a bunch of people down... unintentionally.
Yeah, I'm kind of a mess today. But I won't give up and I won't go back. I will move forward searching for the good, finding the best in this life for my husband and I. He is still promoting Thrive, and I will back him and help him find customers as much as I can!
For now, I believe I will be voluntarily stepping down from LeVel before they remove me. Hopefully I can find a way to maintain my customer status at least. I am sorry- to my upline, to the people who believed in me and supported me, to my team- even tho we had shrunk to a very small team, they were still my team.

Failure

Failure... this defines how I have been feeling the past week. My logical brain knows I am not a failure, but the rest of me just sees all the things I did wrong.
~ As a daughter... my parents raised me well, and what did I do in return? I treated them like crap! I have been nothing but a disappointment to them. I didn't turn out how they wanted- or expected. I shut them out of my life for a number of years- the reason doesn't matter, it was wrong.
~As an adopted daughter... mom passed away, I never said good-bye. I never went to see her before I moved away from the city... I rarely went to visit her at all. It was hard to see her in the shape she was in, it hurt my heart. So out of selfishness I stayed away. In reality it probably hurt her a lot more by me not visiting than it would have hurt me to see her once in a while.
~As a dog mom... a couple weeks ago I took in Bella. I believed we had the room in our home and heart for a third dog. What I didn't realize was the impact it would have on my other 2 dogs. At first I thought they would all adjust and get along after a few days, but it got worse- not better. I traumatized my girls, they were so sad- and I'm sure blamed me. I took a pup from a home she knew, brought her her and gave her love and a home... then sent her away again, to an unknown. I can't even imagine how she feeling right now.
~As a mom... I failed twice here, and it's probably the most important part of life to not fail. I'll start with child #2- I was put in a situation where I had to give her up. I haven't raised her, I am not her mom. If I could turn back time- I would have fought to keep her, but that's another story. child #1- raising her was a struggle, my own life was a mess and I wanted the best for her. I had her grandmother helping me raise her- honestly, she was with my daughter more than I was because I was always working or at school- but she doesn't remember those things, she remembers grandma being there, not mom. Then I married someone who hurt her- yeah big fail there!  And to top it off, I didn't want to believe it! And now, as an adult, she is not the child I raised. She has become someone I don't recognize, someone whose life is headed in a direction I did everything I could to make sure it wouldn't. I love my daughter more than life, but I failed her, I didn't give her whatever it was she needed to see her self worth, to be independent, and to build her future.
~I also, at times, feel as if I have failed as a wife... When we married almost 11 years ago I had a full time job and was moving up in my company. I was a contributing part of our household income. I was outgoing, always doing things. Then my health failed me and I lost my job- honestly the best job I had ever had. I tried to work, but my health got in the way. Then the medical issues took a toll every aspect of my life. I rarely went out, I didn't do things with my husband and our friends, I never left the house alone! I became somewhat of a burden- always needing to be taken to the doctor or even shopping, I was a financial burden because I lost my income and my husband had to pay for everything... including my medical expenses. There have been more days that I was unable to cook or clean, than there have been good days. It has been really hard to remember every day that I am still a good wife, and no matter what he will stand by me and support me in every way possible.
~As a friend... I used to be that friend who was always there, no matter what was going on in my own life- I would put that aside for everyone else. I finally hit a point in my life that I was self destructing by being that friend. I got walked on, taken advantage of, and neglected the most important thing- me. Then after a while I got to where I decided to just distance myself and remove myself from their lives. I was always there for them- but no one was ever there for me- so why was I considering them friends?
Needless to say it has been a very difficult couple months. I made some major changes to my life when we moved, complete transition. It has been a difficult but incredible transition. I am learning a lot about me and about what I do need to focus on in my life. This journey, this transition, isn't complete, it will takes months for me to truly accept and complete the changes that I need to be entirely happy and at peace with myself. But that- myself- is all that matters, and that is a huge step forward.
I often feel down on myself, feel as tho I am a failure. But as I said at the beginning- my logical brain knows I am not a failure.

Alone

Do you ever feel alone? Like really alone?
I am struggling emotionally right now, and all I want is someone to talk to, someone who knows me and understands me... and cares.
Everyone who ever fit those things has either removed themselves from my life or I have removed them. Toxic relationships are never good, they need to be cut. Those people can't help you. And those who act like they care when it's convenient for them, but otherwise have cut you out of their life- what kind of friend is that? Do they care? Most likely no. I don't want to talk to people who are fake, I don't want people around who pretend to care... I want those real friends.
Do I have people like that in my life? Of course I do! But that list is getting shorter every day. But we are all battling our own demons, trying to get thru this life. We don't always have the time for each other that we wish we had.
I struggle with this every single time I get a little down, when my depression starts to kick in. There was a time in my life when i had any number of friends to reach out to. And today I have very few.
This really isn't a bad thing, altho it seems like it- like I said- I feel alone. But looking at it differently, it really is a positive. Toxic, negative people have been eliminated from my circle. I have no room for liars, back-stabbers, angry and hateful people, self-centered, self destructive people or people who are out to destroy you, those who blame everyone else but never own their challenges... these are the type of people we all need to eliminate! For our own mental and emotional health.
It hurts. To not have those people to reach out to, to see people you truly care about turn their backs on you... or having to stand your ground and keep your back turned to them.
I hurt, my depression was fighting to come back and then mom passed away... I need someone who knows. But those people don't exist in my life anymore.
And I am ok with that.

Bella

Last week we decided we were ready to bring another fur baby into our life. Not just any dog, we wanted a rescue- to help a dog that isn't a puppy. As i looked over the classified I found the one.

This is Bella. She is 8 months old, a cattle dog mix- I'm thinking with lab. When we got her, we were told she was healthy and happy, mostly trained, a good dog. Sadly we were misinformed, but we are happy to say she is in a better home where she will be cared for properly.

Bella is thin, too thin. When we feed her, she acts as if she hasn't eaten in days- she just can't get enough. We feed her more than a dog her size would normally eat at this point, hopefully she will get to a healthy weight in no time. She was starved for attention, and still is. We are working on limitations while giving her all the love she needs. Our other 2 get a bit jealous when Bella gets a lot of attention, especially when they see she isn't being good. They know the rules, they know they have to be good. She is starting to follow their lead a bit, key words that they understand- she is beginning to recognize. My other 2 dogs are not as playful nor do they have the energy of the pup! And she wants to play with them, almost constantly... Sadie is more into playing, but Roxy pretty much wants nothing to do with Bella right now. A lot of getting used to each other will be taking place the next couple weeks! A lot of training going on!

We love her, and are happy to have her in our family. We are happy to have her away from the family who didn't want the responsibility.

Motorcycles

I have a bit of a rant today. Almost daily we hear about motorcycles going down, people being killed on bikes- or injured permanently. It breaks my heart, really! We love riding! It has been a huge part of our life together, and knowing that our lives are more at risk on the bike than in a car- is scary.
I have lost count of the deaths this year involving motorcycles, but in the past three days- 2 of our friends have been hospitalized and are in critical condition due to their passion for bikes. But completely different circumstances put them there.
What upsets me? More of the accidents this year, the fatalities this year- have been due to 'rider error', the nice way of saying they were being stupid. And that gives the rest of us a really bad reputation!
Watch out for motorcycles! Yeah, that's what we shove in everyone's face constantly during riding season... But if a motorcycle rider is not obeying the laws and is being wreckless- how can we fault a car or truck for being in an accident with them?
Friend #1- hit by a pick-up truck that didn't see him. No, he wasn't hidden- the driver just wasn't paying close enough attention or watching for bikes. He was life-flighted, has multiple broken bones and bleeding on the brain. I was told this morning that he is now awake... positive step in such a tragedy! But a long road to recovery.
Friend #2- this is going to upset some people. Riding down a canyon highway in busy traffic, pulling a small trailer. Decided he wanted to get home faster than the friends he was with and pulled out ahead. It is estimated that he was going about 100mph, witnesses say he was weaving in and out of traffic. He lost control and went down. He is lucky no other vehicles were involved- he could have been hit or run over by any number of vehicles, including a semi that he came close to sliding under. He has not been awake since they found him, multiple fractures, bleeding and swelling of the brain, oxygen tube- and heavily sedated (which I assume means medically induced coma).
I feel for each of these men, they are friends, we have ridden with both of them. Friend #1 is what most of us expect to hear when someone is in an accident on their bike. Friend #2... was just being an idiot. Sorry, but he was. Go ahead and be suicidal on your bike if that is what you want, but don't put others at risk, do that crap when you are out on the open road with no traffic.
Last week a couple died on their bike- going to fast for the turn they were making... they left behind 4 children.
Earlier this year I drove past an accident, all I saw was a mangled bike and a sheet over what was obviously a body. Later on the news it was said this young man was speeding and missed the turn.
These are the stories I keep hearing. It hurts to hear about dead bikers, but it hurts more to hear that it was their own fault.
I am not the safest passenger out there, I don't wear leathers, I almost never wear a helmet. I have friends who make these kind of choices as well. But most of these passenger friends trust their spouse with their life, the majority of my friends who ride obey the laws, ride smart and safe, and always think about the 'what if' at the next intersection.
Stop being stupid! Stop being an asshole on your bike! You have a family, you have friends, anyone who sees you go down has to live with that vision. Go ahead and make yourself a victim of yourself- but dont make others victim of your stupidity!
I trust very few people to ride with or allow any of my girls to ride with... and this is why!
Pretty soon people will start seeing motorcycles and riders as the casue of accidents, as a danger to the roads.... we have battled that stigma for a long time and finally got to a place where others respect us and watch for us... don't ruin that for those of us who respect the road and respect our bike.
Meanwhile I will keep both these friends in my thoughts- no one ever deserves this kind of thing to happen to them... no matter how stupid they act.

Thursday Thoughts

I am pretty much fed up with people right now. I don't need your judgement or your opinions, I don't need the disrespect or lies, I don't need you approval for anything.
I have lived one hell of a life, and I have worked hard to get where I am today. Where is that? I am confident, I am proud, I am living my life for me and my husband. I have a beautiful home in a place where I have longed to be. I have earned every bit of what I have- including my right to speak my mind and shut out people who bring negative energy into my world.
Why am I buying a home? Because I can! Why did I get a third dog? Because my heart and my home have the room for an animal that was not wanted. Why do I care about a menial amount of money you owe me? Because it is a responsibility. Why do I not work? What do I do with my money? None of these things are any of your concern! Really! Worry about yourselves!
Today I have just had enough of being attacked and lied to and ignored and treated like shit!
I had an amazing short conversation with a very special woman today, she reminded me that my past has made me an incredibly strong person. My story has helped people. Why should I feel intimidated or allow anyone to put me down for being me? I have survived domestic violence, I survived being a single mother, I have gotten thru losing some of my closest loved ones, I survived prison- for hell sake! All with a disability that I fight every day of my life.
No one truly knows my entire story, no one knows what goes on in my head. No one understands the mental and emotional battle I fight every single day. Yes, I occasionally say things I shouldn't, I do really well at biting my tongue most of the time- but once in a while I slip and say what is really on my mind. Do I regret it? Hell no! I am not here to impress anyone, I am not pretending to be someone I am not. I am me- and proud of it.
Go ahead and hate me, talk about me, think what you want. But look at yourself and ask if you are so perfect to be judging me and my life. All I want is peace, I love more than I should- it causes me more pain than I can deal with at times. I care about almost everyone's well being- which has gotten me in trouble more often than I like to admit! People take advantage of good hearted people like me, it has happened over and over and over... maybe somewhere in my head this was one of my reasons for escaping the city... go to where no one can use me.
I am not an idiot, i can see thru the lies and the hidden agendas, I can feel your emotions, I can see your soul. I have overcome a lot in this life, I have experienced more than most- more than I like to admit. 
If you want positive in your life- be positive, if you want positive from me- don't attack me, try understanding me. If you want respect- give respect, earn respect. If you want love, give love- openly, freely, honestly.
I believe it is tie for me to log off the social media world for a bit, and maybe even shut off my phone. I need to regroup, I need to meditate and get some grounding. Too much negativity and hurt lately, that needs to be cleared and forgiven... yes forgiven. That doesn't mean if you hurt me or fucked me over that it will be forgotten and put in the past, it means I will forgive you for what you do not understand, I will forgive your actions that caused me harm. It does not mean we are best friends again, it means I am clearing my soul and my mind of the harm you caused- you still have to live with what you choose to do to others.

Update on my world

Almost a month since I have had time to write, life has been extremely busy since we moved! We are only steps away from owning this home and I couldn't be more excited! Things are falling into place here, Troys job is going well, I've gotten a daily routine with the house and yard, we have definitely found our happy place.
We adopted a rescue dog yesterday, bringing our fur baby count to 3. She is a 7 month old cattle dog mix and we are thrilled to have her!
Last week I made a heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my daughter. She is my world, my entire life, but there comes a time when a parent has to step back and realize when they are not wanted. When an adult child lies and keeps secrets, it is time to walk away. I tried for a long time to stand by and bite my tongue as I watched the choices she makes slowly destroy her life, tried to give advice and help her to see where those choices were leading. But she is stubborn like me, she didn't want my advice or opinions, she is determined to prove the world wrong. And as she does that I see where she will end up, my life has been there. It breaks my heart to see how much she has changed, she has become a person no one recognizes anymore. She doesn't see the big picture- only her immediate desires. We all miss her so much, we only want to see her happy and taking care of herself- but all we see is false happiness, fighting for something that will never be... while the rest of her life crumbles around her without her even noticing. My heart and soul are in darkness over this all, and to avoid my own self destruction- I had to remove myself... until she can see what is happening to her, until she can stop lying to me, to her family, to herself. Until she truly wants me to be a part of her life. Last year I had 2 suicide attempts and constant thoughts of ending my own life... I felt as if I had failed as a mother, I felt that my daughter hated me and everyone else who truly cared for her, I was able to find a little bit of hope a few months ago and lifted up out of that darkness. But it was temporary. She is back to the the same actions and behaviors, but worse. My heart cannot take it, I refuse to allow her choices and her attitude to destroy me again. I need to be well, I need to have my positive light- and sadly that isn't possible with the person she currently is. I hate that I have to do this- she is my entire world, my reason for being! But she has broken me, broken my spirit, crushed my heart, and darkened my soul. I can only pray for her- to learn and understand... and move forward with my own life. I will always be here for her to return when she is ready to be honest with herself and with me. So much damage has been done, I have no idea how it can be fixed- and it may never be. but hopefully someday we can move forward from all this. I love her with everything that I am.
My husband and I are living the best life we can, a life we have worked hard for and deserve! No one is going to dull that for us! We found our happy place, we found our peace- in a small town, away from the big city life and stress. I am healthy here, doing my best to be emotionally and mentally healthy.
We have some incredible friends here, who have lifted us up! Very positive energy from them always, help when we need it, and just real people- can't ask for more than that!

Thurday night thoughts

Just some thoughts on a Thursday night. As I sit here in my wonderful little home- reruns of Criminal Minds on the TV, front door wide open and all I hear is the low volume of the TV. I've had some stresses this past week, but I have also realized how blessed I am.
We left everything behind that was safe, and moved to a world where everything was new, different, and unpromised... and unknown. Other than one thing- a friend, someone who has proven to be a true friend.
We came here only knowing one person (couple), we didn't expect anything of them- they have a life of their own here. But they call and stop by to check on us, to see if I need to go anywhere when I don't have a vehicle. They talk me thru bad days and listen.
We have met a few people here, made some acquaintances. I started a job. Every single day I love it here more and more. And every single day I am reminded why I came here, and how blessed I am to be able to be here!
My dear husband, a man who has never lived outside of the city, a man who doesn't like change, a man who has always been very content living inside the box... Changed everything for me and my happiness. He not only stepped outside the box- he tore it apart. He quit his job- giving up benefits and guaranteed income and top seniority, he left the city for a small town, no WalMart, no AppleBee's, no Starbucks... no stoplights! He is still adjusting, I giggle sometimes when I watch him- he still has a bit of urgency in... well, everyday life. I wake up on his day off and he is just getting home from washing the truck or running to town (the closest WalMart sized town is less than 10 miles) to get gas or a drink, even tho he could have gone 2 miles down the street. He struggles to just do nothing and enjoy the slow pace. But has decided he hates going to the city, back up north where we moved from, he has had to go a couple times and cannot wait to get out of that traffic and noise and everything else.
Troy and I have faced some difficult times, talks of divorce and such. But we didn't want to give up, we pushed thru our problems. He has put up with a lot from me- we are total opposites. I am loud and spontaneous, and always speak my mind... and when I want something I don't stop. I not only wanted out of the city- I needed out of the city. I needed this life for so many reasons. And I believe after watching my health fail a little more every day, seeing me have more breakdown and 2 suicide attempts. And how the general environment of the city and people affected our relationship- he finally saw how much this move would benefit us both and benefit us as a couple.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, and a supermoon eclipse. Greek Fest this weekend here.
I called my parents yesterday, it was so good to hear their voices- both of them. They sound good. I hope they come visit soon. My daughter is planning to come on the train in a couple weeks.
I love this quiet life, this slow pace. I have the perfect job- I make my own hours. Planning a large garden, maybe chickens some day. We have plans for the house, the yard, a garage... this is my life- this is our future.
And I couldn't be happier!

healthcare, being disabled, and the system

I have been very lucky the past 10+ years to have good health care thru an employer- the first couple years of that was my own employment, then thru my husbands employer.
But now I am learning how screwed up our system truly is! When my husband left his job, that caused us to lose his insurance the end of that month- that was 3 days ago. His new employer does not offer health coverage yet, new company still working these things out.
So my first step was to contact our previous insurance provider about COBRA. Holy hell! they want more than double what we were paying to continue our coverage! That option is out!
So because I am disabled and receive disability benefits from Social Security, I decided to look into the Medicare option. What a freaking joke! Online, then call- told to call another number, hold 45 minutes, told to call a different number... that's the number that told me to call you! UGH! Apparently I have hospital coverage standard with my SSDI, but I have to subscribe to Part B and Part D- whater the hell those are! I try asking these questions and I get no explanations that make sense, only a bunch of mumble that I'm sure only makes sense to them! Finally take to someone who can help me understand what these are, and then I'm told the ridiculous amount of money they want for a DISABLED PERSON to get medical care! I get a minimal amount of money each month from the government, that I paid in. And they want me to give about a quarter of that back just for basic medical coverage- to be able to see my doctor! And that doesn't include the prescription coverage- that is an entirely different plan with a different cost, based on where I live. And I can't just sign up, no, that would be way to easy for these people! They want a form from my husbands employer stating I can't get coverage... since when does my husbands job have any thing to do with my disability and my need for coverage? They said something about signing up without penalty... wtf does that mean? They never did answer that question in a way I could understand it. Penalize me for trying to take care of my health? For trying to survive? Seriously, screw them! One woman asked if there was anything else she could do to help me... I said shoot me, and hung up.
I am honestly thrilled with what i thought would be the worst option of the three. The Healthcare Marketplace, or whatever they call it. I went online to check that out, entered my info and had a phone call before I was even done looking over the options. The guy was very nice and very helpful, he explained things in a way that people can understand and gave me the options I currently have... and they are the least expensive of all the options as well!
I am really upset over the whole thing with Social Security. I understand all the politics, and I hear people screaming for free healthcare, but there is a difference in someone who gets less than $1000 fixed income each month and someone who makes more than double that in a week. Disabled people should get free healthcare, at least the basic crap that is related to that disability. My medications cost roughly $500 a month without insurance- just the 2 that I need to be able to have any kind of quality of life, the 2 that keep me from being bed ridden. And my doctor won't call in prescription refills unless he sees me every 6 months, and that office visit is not cheap.
I am frustrated and fed up.

Rumors and Drama- Believe What you want!

In recent weeks and months I have made some major changes to my life... for me. The most recent change was this past few days, I made a choice to remove over 100 people from my social media... Honestly, there could have been a lot more, but this was a very positive start for me. Some of these people I have wanted to remove from my life for a very long time, but just didn't have the nerve to do it, others have been more recent decisions- the past few months. But now that I live away from the city, away from where I might actually see these people- I realize how very unimportant I am in their lives even better than I did before. And that I truly don't have a need for those kind of people.
Rumors started flying! I was accused of this and that, deleting people for such and such a reason... blah blah blah! And these accusations were from someone not even on my social media accounts! Get over yourself!
I made these choices based on who I am and who I need to be, who those people are- or were, to me. I don't need all that in my life anymore, when all it does is cause stress or hurt. And honestly, your opinion of me or my actions- doesn't affect me.
If those people want to fall into the games and believe the hate they are told- so be it, I don't need people like that in my life anyway! If they actually take the time to come to the source, and find out for themselves the true reason I removed them from social media and possible my life- then I know there is still hope for those people, and I am absolutely willing to talk to them and explain my reasoning. Many of those people won't even notice, but the ones who will- they have my phone number, or they can still contact me on social media- they aren't blocked, only deleted.
I am in the most positive and peaceful place in my life right now, I am making choices to improve my life and my marriage. I have only cried once since I moved- and being a parent that is unavoidable. But the depression is fading away, and the more I am able to distance myself from the toxic 'friendships', the better I will be. I know who has my back, I know who cares, and I know the people who are a positive light in my life. For me to move forward on the path I am on, this is what I need. After constant thoughts of suicide- I am no longer thinking of whose feelings I might hurt- I'm thinking about the life I am saving.
Many of those who were removed, I care very much for- considered them family. Yes, it was a hard choice to make. I will always keep them in a positive place in my thoughts, pray for them and hope they can find happiness in the damage they bring others, or at least see that they more than likely don't realize the damage and hurt they cause.
I need to take care of me. I am taking the steps to do so. If that offends you- I'm honestly not sorry. Because this is MY life, and I choose happy.

The McCann Mansion

McCann Mansion

A lot has happened over the past couple months! We left the only place we have ever called home to go to a small town where we know practically no one. So let me back up to what led us here...

May 2nd I was doing yard work and something told me that Troy and I needed to drive to Helper to visit our friends there that weekend. It couldn't wait, it had to be that weekend. So I called my husband at work and told him our ride plans were off, we are going away for the weekend. And on Friday we jumped on the bike and headed out!

We had an amazing time! Not just hanging out with our friends, but the sights and the people and the energy. I could see the stars and the air was clean, there was no traffic and the people were so nice! By Sunday there had been so many signs that this is where we belong, that we just couldn't ignore it. We rode around looking at homes- to buy! Homes are about a third the cost of comparable homes in Salt Lake. Troy was looking into jobs.

We returned almost every weekend for 5 weeks. Troy got a great job offer, we found the perfect home...

On the night on June 7th we met with the owner of the home we ow call McCann Mansion, while she was passing thru Salt Lake, got keys and signed some papers.

And the morning of June 8th-- we pulled out of Salt Lake with everything we owned in our truck and a trailer... for good.

Happiest day in a very long time! I hate the city and everything about it! I have wanted to leave Salt Lake for years, the longer I am there the more unhappy I become.

I was sick of the filthy air and the traffic, I worried sick every day about my husband on his motorcycle- seems there is an accident every other day involving a bike! I am sick of being taken advantage of and unappreciated, fed up with fake friends. I know, those kind of people exist everywhere- but getting away from all the ones who have hurt me and those who were on the path to hurting me... can't get to me now. And my faith in good people is being restored in small town life. We were tired of all the hard work Troy has put in and we still live pay check to pay check, renting, and nothing to show for all that work.

Troy has a wonderful job here. I am still putting our house together and working on the yard as much as I can for now. Our dogs love that they have over a third acre to run on- and no neighbors to yell at them! We have unlimited places to go on the bike- without worrying about traffic!

We will be signing on this home about September first, it will be ours- forever. We can buy a home, have a place to live when we retire. We can also save money, finish getting out of debt, and make this home exactly what we want it to be.

My husband and I now live in a very small community just south of Helper, UT, and we absolutely love it! We have friendly neighbors, we have made friends with people who would stop what they are doing to come help out if needed. I can see the stars at night and hear nothing! It is truly my heaven on earth.

My husband was terrified to make this move, all he has ever known was Salt Lake City. But he knew he needed to step out of his comfort zone for his future, for his own well being, and for his wife. My health, my depression, my sanity... all things that have been on the brink of killing me. And I love him more than anything for it!