People who have never truly lived with depression, really don't understand what goes thru my head most of the time. It isn't as simple as 'just breathe' or 'smile, you'll feel better.' I get told to just BE positive... really? My mind doesn't work the same way as other people.
People see me as feeling sorry for myself... no, far from it! I am blaming myself for everything that is wrong in the world. Seeking attention? no, the tears I hide are much more than what anyone ever sees, the thoughts I have- most never leave my own head. Tell me I am being dramatic- all I am doing is reaching out for help, trying to release some of the pain in my own head. But most people don't see any of that...
I cry and scream behind closed doors. I question my purpose, my journey, even my existence. But most people don't see that side- they see the mask I put on when I leave my house, the smile that comes thru on the occasions that I am actually enjoying life. But that is not the norm- and no one gets that.
When I try to close off and focus on me, trying to figure things out in my life and get back on a level ground for a while- I get attacked for shutting people out, not doing what I am 'expected' to do. Why do people expect anything of me? Because I have pretended for so long to be ok?
Depression SUCKS! And what makes it worse is when you feel attacked by those around you who claim they care, but they don't understand.
I read a really good article last night called "Invisible 280." For every person who loses their life to suicide- there are 280 people who survive- whether it be surviving that attempt, or stopping just before that moment. I am one of them. The suicidal thoughts, and attempts- ran rampant in my head for a long time- daily. I started to get better, I thought I past all that. Moving to a small town and completely changing every aspect of my life has been much harder on me than I anticipated. The depression has come flooding back, thoughts of taking my own life- yes, thoughts of acting on it- not at this point. But right now I don't even have anyone to talk me down from there if I did get there.
Fake friends, judgmental friends, people telling me I'm making bad choices and doing the wrong things with my life... isn't this MY life? So many people have left me, walked away from supporting me and my choices in the past couple months. That doesn't help my depression. I mean, I always feel alone- no matter who is or isn't there to support me- the feeling of having an empty lonely life is a constant.
If I could take away this disease, I would in a heartbeat! People think I use depression to get the attention and as an excuse for various things... no, I hate it! I can't live the life I want to be living, I have lost important people in my life.
This truly is a daily battle. And whether I have people to support me or not, I will do my best to push thru each day... as I always have.
Go ahead and say what you will, talk about me behind my back, attack me to my face... but until you truly understand what goes on in my head- or anyone who suffers depression- you have no right to judge me.
My hope... for those who don't have a mental illness to try to learn more. My hope- if this disease ever does take my life- that those of you who have been one of those people mentioned above, will learn to understand how you can help someone else in the future rather than causing more damage.
My hope... that some day there will be a real treatment for this nightmare, and people won't have to live like this.
No comments:
Post a Comment