Failure

Failure... this defines how I have been feeling the past week. My logical brain knows I am not a failure, but the rest of me just sees all the things I did wrong.
~ As a daughter... my parents raised me well, and what did I do in return? I treated them like crap! I have been nothing but a disappointment to them. I didn't turn out how they wanted- or expected. I shut them out of my life for a number of years- the reason doesn't matter, it was wrong.
~As an adopted daughter... mom passed away, I never said good-bye. I never went to see her before I moved away from the city... I rarely went to visit her at all. It was hard to see her in the shape she was in, it hurt my heart. So out of selfishness I stayed away. In reality it probably hurt her a lot more by me not visiting than it would have hurt me to see her once in a while.
~As a dog mom... a couple weeks ago I took in Bella. I believed we had the room in our home and heart for a third dog. What I didn't realize was the impact it would have on my other 2 dogs. At first I thought they would all adjust and get along after a few days, but it got worse- not better. I traumatized my girls, they were so sad- and I'm sure blamed me. I took a pup from a home she knew, brought her her and gave her love and a home... then sent her away again, to an unknown. I can't even imagine how she feeling right now.
~As a mom... I failed twice here, and it's probably the most important part of life to not fail. I'll start with child #2- I was put in a situation where I had to give her up. I haven't raised her, I am not her mom. If I could turn back time- I would have fought to keep her, but that's another story. child #1- raising her was a struggle, my own life was a mess and I wanted the best for her. I had her grandmother helping me raise her- honestly, she was with my daughter more than I was because I was always working or at school- but she doesn't remember those things, she remembers grandma being there, not mom. Then I married someone who hurt her- yeah big fail there!  And to top it off, I didn't want to believe it! And now, as an adult, she is not the child I raised. She has become someone I don't recognize, someone whose life is headed in a direction I did everything I could to make sure it wouldn't. I love my daughter more than life, but I failed her, I didn't give her whatever it was she needed to see her self worth, to be independent, and to build her future.
~I also, at times, feel as if I have failed as a wife... When we married almost 11 years ago I had a full time job and was moving up in my company. I was a contributing part of our household income. I was outgoing, always doing things. Then my health failed me and I lost my job- honestly the best job I had ever had. I tried to work, but my health got in the way. Then the medical issues took a toll every aspect of my life. I rarely went out, I didn't do things with my husband and our friends, I never left the house alone! I became somewhat of a burden- always needing to be taken to the doctor or even shopping, I was a financial burden because I lost my income and my husband had to pay for everything... including my medical expenses. There have been more days that I was unable to cook or clean, than there have been good days. It has been really hard to remember every day that I am still a good wife, and no matter what he will stand by me and support me in every way possible.
~As a friend... I used to be that friend who was always there, no matter what was going on in my own life- I would put that aside for everyone else. I finally hit a point in my life that I was self destructing by being that friend. I got walked on, taken advantage of, and neglected the most important thing- me. Then after a while I got to where I decided to just distance myself and remove myself from their lives. I was always there for them- but no one was ever there for me- so why was I considering them friends?
Needless to say it has been a very difficult couple months. I made some major changes to my life when we moved, complete transition. It has been a difficult but incredible transition. I am learning a lot about me and about what I do need to focus on in my life. This journey, this transition, isn't complete, it will takes months for me to truly accept and complete the changes that I need to be entirely happy and at peace with myself. But that- myself- is all that matters, and that is a huge step forward.
I often feel down on myself, feel as tho I am a failure. But as I said at the beginning- my logical brain knows I am not a failure.