Almost a month since I have had time to write, life has been extremely busy since we moved! We are only steps away from owning this home and I couldn't be more excited! Things are falling into place here, Troys job is going well, I've gotten a daily routine with the house and yard, we have definitely found our happy place.
We adopted a rescue dog yesterday, bringing our fur baby count to 3. She is a 7 month old cattle dog mix and we are thrilled to have her!
Last week I made a heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my daughter. She is my world, my entire life, but there comes a time when a parent has to step back and realize when they are not wanted. When an adult child lies and keeps secrets, it is time to walk away. I tried for a long time to stand by and bite my tongue as I watched the choices she makes slowly destroy her life, tried to give advice and help her to see where those choices were leading. But she is stubborn like me, she didn't want my advice or opinions, she is determined to prove the world wrong. And as she does that I see where she will end up, my life has been there. It breaks my heart to see how much she has changed, she has become a person no one recognizes anymore. She doesn't see the big picture- only her immediate desires. We all miss her so much, we only want to see her happy and taking care of herself- but all we see is false happiness, fighting for something that will never be... while the rest of her life crumbles around her without her even noticing. My heart and soul are in darkness over this all, and to avoid my own self destruction- I had to remove myself... until she can see what is happening to her, until she can stop lying to me, to her family, to herself. Until she truly wants me to be a part of her life. Last year I had 2 suicide attempts and constant thoughts of ending my own life... I felt as if I had failed as a mother, I felt that my daughter hated me and everyone else who truly cared for her, I was able to find a little bit of hope a few months ago and lifted up out of that darkness. But it was temporary. She is back to the the same actions and behaviors, but worse. My heart cannot take it, I refuse to allow her choices and her attitude to destroy me again. I need to be well, I need to have my positive light- and sadly that isn't possible with the person she currently is. I hate that I have to do this- she is my entire world, my reason for being! But she has broken me, broken my spirit, crushed my heart, and darkened my soul. I can only pray for her- to learn and understand... and move forward with my own life. I will always be here for her to return when she is ready to be honest with herself and with me. So much damage has been done, I have no idea how it can be fixed- and it may never be. but hopefully someday we can move forward from all this. I love her with everything that I am.
My husband and I are living the best life we can, a life we have worked hard for and deserve! No one is going to dull that for us! We found our happy place, we found our peace- in a small town, away from the big city life and stress. I am healthy here, doing my best to be emotionally and mentally healthy.
We have some incredible friends here, who have lifted us up! Very positive energy from them always, help when we need it, and just real people- can't ask for more than that!
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