Random thoughts

Been thinking a lot about things that have or haven't happened over the years, opportunities I had, choices I made... where I would be today had I made different choices.
The first big one- what if I had admitted to myself and to others that I preferred women over men way back when...? Everything would be different, that's for sure! I wouldn't have 2 amazing daughters, and that is probably the biggest difference.But it would have completely changed the path of my life- jobs, education, even where I lived. Where would I be today?
Second- much further down the road. What if I had taken that job, that one job that would have given me a career, a future, benefits including retirement... as a single mom- that was a dream come true- that I turned down.
What if I had pulled the trigger that night? would I be locked up for murder for the rest of my life? before I had kids. Or would they have seen it as I did- or as I chose to- defending my own life, protecting me.
All the choices to this point were made because I needed something different than what was in front of me. Some logical choices, some emotional choices- either way, they were what I felt was best in the long term.
Moving on to other 'what-ifs'...
I made a choice to start doing pornography. There were, at the time, a number of positives to this! But what if I hadn't? What if I had stepped back and chosen to not take that path? That really is a big question mark in my mind. I still have no regrets from that part of my life, I have no regrets about anything. It was an interesting experience, fun, educational, very profitable...
Which brings me to my next 'what if'...
Where would I be today if I had gone back into that line of work after prison? Would I be married? Would I be rich? Would I even be successful with it at this age?
My point that has been eating at me is this... no matter what choices I made, they were what I needed at the time to bring me to where I am today. Today I am happy. I may not have as much money as I would like, I may not have the retirement savings to keep my mind at ease. I may still have nightmares about that night with the gun. But I am happy. I have everything I need and want- a wonderful husband, who never would have come into my life if any of those choices had been different, a beautiful daughter, who may not even exist if some of those choices had been different.
Life gives us choices every single day. We can take option A or option B- one will take us down a completely different path than the other. But as I have learned, you can't allow yourself to over think these options. Do what feels right! Don't look at them both and ask where will this take me 10 years from now- because I can tell you from experience, a choice you make today may be offset by one you make tomorrow, or next month.
Live for now, live for happiness. And for goodness sake don't dwell on the past and those what ifs!