Defeated But Not

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and sometimes it gives us an entire shut out. But somehow we always find a way to hit that ball out of the park, right?
This week has been full of curve balls! I have felt so completely defeated. But it isn't because of anything I did wrong- I have to remember this! I have done everything right, everything I could to the best of my ability to make things fall into place as they should... but those curve balls come out of random places that I have no control over.
We hit a detour with the house- not a road block! We had expected to close this week, but something that we knew was going to hold us back, but had gotten swept under the rug by the mortgage lady- came back to bite us... we have to wait until December. My dream of being home owners before my husband turns 50 went out the window this week, but we will be home owners before 2018 is over. I am forced to find the positive in all of it, and really- there are positives in waiting!
This entire parenting thing SUCKS! In my childs eyes I am sure I am the worst mother ever, and at this point I just don't care anymore. I have done everything I can, destroyed my own emotional and mental health trying to be the mom she wants me to be... but I honestly don't think she even knows what she wants from me. She wants support- I support her- I get attacked for treating her like a child. I can't win... I'm just done playing. The last 2 years have completely killed my heart and soul, I have nothing left to give her. She isn't a person I recognize, she isn't a person who cares about anything or anyone that matters. I lost her to a darkness that I won't- can't- allow myself to be involved with any longer. All I can do is hope and wait... for the day her wakes up from the nightmare we see.
A lot of changes in my life in recent months, a lot more to come- I'm sure. I've started with a second direct sales company, I am looking to get a part time job. My husband is still adjusting to small town life and we are both searching for that place to fit in here. It doesn't happen over night- but I know in a couple years everything will be so perfect for us here! Right now it's rough, depression in us both- but we are supporting each other and lifting each other up... getting thru it together.
Tears have been flowing off and on all week, but I am getting thru it all. One day I can say the stress was worth it when we sign for this home. One day my daughter will love me again and just maybe see that her happiness is all that has mattered to me- ever.