Feeling a little down tonight. So much going on in my head, I want it all to just go away and let me be positive about things!
 I got a call from a doctors office- never heard of the doctor! They tell me my doctor referred me, and I need to see this sleep specialist in regards to the oxygen test I had done. WTF??? I didn't think I had a problem, I wasn't expecting this out of all the testing I have had done and still have to do.
I am tired of the childish attitude from the girl we live with, and I am getting a bad attitude again toward her, no matter how hard I try to maintain. I'm tired of feeling like we are being pushed to get out sooner than we can, and I don't like feeling like I am the reason for the repairs and stuff that are going into this house!
Is it too much for me to just get a little peace and positive energy? All I want is to keep my health at least as good as it is currently going, at least until we get moved. I want to not feel guilty for things- whether I am or not, I still feel I am. I want to detach from things so I can just focus where I need to focus. I am scared about more tests, I am scared about things they might think are going on. Yes, I want and need to know, but it terrifies me! I had such a wonderful weekend, but reality was there, I still had seizures, I still had weak and dizzy spells and had to nap, and I had a long serious talk with a friend who is going thru some very similar stuff who has at least one diagnosis.
I always say I am not afraid of anything... but in reality, I am. all this that is going on scares me. I am afraid of what the doctors are going to tell me, I am afraid of losing friends in this move, I am afraid of  the coming struggles we will face when we do move. 
But I know I will get thru it all, I always do- and my attitude will hopefully be better in a day or two. I just need to vent once in a while. 

Wagstaff Weekend

What an incredible two weekends I have had! remembering and honoring fallen hero Matthew Wagstaff, as well as other heroes. Last weekend we released balloons in his honor on the four year anniversary of his death. This weekend we traveled to Daniel's Summit with friends and family. We had a very nice time! Tears and laughter, memories and so much love and support for the Wagstaff family. Teena Nemelka, GS mother of Aaron Nemelka, was also with us. It is always such an emotional time with this group, but the love and support is just amazing. The Wagstaff family suffers every day, as does Teena. And we are there to bring smiles and laughs when they are needed, to give hugs whenever we can, and to create new and wonderful memories for them!

We started out driving Saturday morning, went up Big Cottonwood Canyon, over Guardsman Pass, and dropped into Midway to stop at Memorial Hill. It is a must see if you are ever in Midway!

This was originally planned to be a riding trip. Mother nature didn't think it should be. This turned out to be the wettest September in like 30 years! this weekend was the wettest in over ten years. We all arrived in cars! But we still went for a drive, lunch at Jeremy Ranch. 

Then the drive back to the lodge. After a bit of a rest, the traditional showing of Transformers was held. We had one of the conference rooms set aside for us. All the candy and treats that Matt enjoyed at movies, and other snacks and drinks. Everyone dressed in jammies, wrapped in blankets, just comfy and having a nice movie night. Then many of us headed to the hot tub! I wanted to swim, but my hair is still bleeding, and that would not have been good! Sitting in the hot tub talking and laughing and watching the rain pour down outside was a memory I won't let go. 

The next morning we all met up for breakfast at the lodge...

And pretty much ended the weekend there. Some of the group went up on Friday and had an entire weekend. Some went home in a group making a few stops along the way. And everyone made it home safely. It was a wonderful weekend with wonderful people. It was a much needed night away for me, I slept well, I wasn't stressed, I just relaxed. Altho I still wasn't feleing real well and did have a couple minor seizures, it was still fabulous. I love the Wagstaff family and am so honored to be included in their events and memories.

I saw tears and smiles on the faces of all of them. I saw happiness I've never seen in Jason and Cassie. I made memories with many friends and my wonderful husband. It was another fantastic event planned and carried out by Suzanne Wagstaff, another incredible event that will hold many amazing memories in my heart.

Becoming a house wife

I was raised with the desire to work. I wanted to be independent, make my own money, and support myself. I loved to work, to keep busy and feel like I was doing something that mattered. I started babysitting pretty young, I was one of the very few girls in my area who parents trusted to watch their kids. By junior high I had a regular babysitting job- everyday after school until about 7 pm, every other Friday off. Summers I babysat three days days a week and volunteered at the hospital three days a week. I got a regular job at 16, but my parents wouldn't let me keep it when I was in school, so the following summer I got a job at McDonalds, and stayed during school... went full time three days after quitting school. I worked two and three jobs for the first few years out of school, then when I had my daughter, I had to take time off, but I got right back to work- as much as I could as a single mom. Slowly getting back to more work as I found more help with my daughter. When I went to work for my dad, There were weeks I would put in 14 hours days. When we slowed down, I worked an additional job as well as starting school. I worked the entire time I was in school. When I married my previous husband, I worked, but started working from home, so I could try to be a wife and mom, as well as bring in an income. That worked out financially FABULOUS! Working from home was a huge success for me and I was able to kind of be that house wife person, but not really because I was always so busy!

When I got out of prison, I knew it was going to be hard to find work. My degree meant nothing with that felony attached to me. So I started searching, day after day I looked for work, I was determined. I got hired on as a part time clerk at Maverik and within a couple weeks I was working more hours than my body could handle. I proved myself. I transferred and became an assistant manager, then started putting in for management spots every time one opened up. I finally got one! And I worked my butt off, I was good at what I did and proud of what I was accomplishing. Then out of the blue I lost my job. I fought with everything I had to get my job back. That failed, and I was crushed. But life goes on, I started searching for a new job. And found one fairly quick. After less than 2 months there my health started failing me, when I talked to my boss about reducing my hours to normal hours, I was being over worked and under too much stress! After a couple serious seizures at work and at home, and my employer not seeming to understand that I can't work after a seizure, I left that job. Think my health would improve with time to rest, it didn't... it was the beginning of this.

It has been over 4 1/2 years since I worked, and it is so hard for me on so many levels! Once in a while I start feeling like I am well enough to start looking for a job, then I start doing worse again. I have had about 2 years now that my health has been worse than ever before. Just the last couple weeks I have gotten a lot of answers to what some of the additional problems are, and getting treated. 

But this is me, this is my life now. It has taken me almost 5 years to accept that I will never work again, that I am now, and will be a house wife- home maker... domestic goddess! Now that I am learning to accept it, I am embracing it! I've been making Troys lunch to take to work with him, I baked a cake tonight, I've been keeping the kitchen spotless! I can do this! I am actually excited about this! We are moving into a new house, no room mates, just my family! I can be the one to take care of them, and not have to take care of others! Yes, they need me and I am going to be there for them! I will cook and clean and keep my home the way a house wife should! As long as I can maintain my health, I can be that person!

It's still hard to not be a financial contributor to my household, but I can deal with that, I contribute in other ways. I still have that desire and drive to go out and work, but I know my health must come first.

The new me. I am a housewife. And excited and proud of this job!

Earlier today I wrote about m next chapter... well, our country and its next chapter has also been something on my mind! We joke about kids not having to deal with any of the things we did, but what does that all really mean for the future of this country? 
My husbands cousin is a teacher, today she took her class outside to sit on the grass for a lesson on trees. Fabulous idea, right? Then why did someone report her to child services for it? For treating the kids "like common animals?" Kids these days get a cell phone before they are ten years old! They get what they want out of their parents rather than having to work for anything! Kids are not taught respect or values. Kids proud to say they are not virgins at 12 years old- what does that mean for America? Kids have no respect for the police, for teachers, for any authority. When I was a kid if I talked back to a teacher or parent I got in a lot of trouble! We just knew to respect cops and other authority. And then there is the president... Yes, he has screwed up a lot. But that does not excuse teaching your children to be disrespectful and make jokes! As an adult, I still have issues with it! But if we must bad mouth him, don't do it in front of kids- teach your kids respect! Obama is the highest authority this country has! I am so sick of the disrespect shown to him so publicly! Other presidents have messed up, dis we teach our kids to not respect them? I know if I had ever said a bad word about Nixon, I would have been punished for the simple fact that he was the president and I should be respectful. Kids don't want to work- at all! they feel they deserve things handed to them... what happens when they grow up and have to get out in the real world? Yes, my daughter is an adult and lives with me, and I do as much as I can for her. BUT- she has a job, she helps pay the bills, and has her own bills to be responsible for. And she works around the house to help me when she is not at work. Her boy friend lives with us as well, we are teaching them both responsibility. He pays us rent, he has a full time job and a car to take care of. I want to give them the best chance at success they can get, and I think learning finances and budgeting and basics of having a place to take care of, is a really good start. Kids don't go outside to play, they sit and play video games. They don't get any exercise, and eat fast food because parents are too busy to make family time and a home cooked meal. They don't read books, they read stupid internet stuff. 
I hope somehow there will be enough good seeds out there to be able to keep this place afloat for a long long time. I'm pretty sure my generation is ok, but my daughter? I think by the time my daughter is 60- this place will have fallen apart.
Teach your children values- moral- respect- honesty- and faith. Not faith in a god, but faith in themselves! I won't get into my opinions of the 'God' issue here, but kids need to believe in themselves, have self respect. And have faith that things will work out in the end... Teach them work ethics. Teach them peace, turn off some of those violent video games and spend quality time with them! Remember how you were raised? Did you like it? If you did, then repeat- if you didn't, change it with your kids!
Love &light

The Next Chapter

So the next chapter of my life, of our life is beginning! We have found a new house to rent, to make our home. My medical issues are being addressed. Things are looking up!
The house hunting was a terrible experience! Always is I think. But a friend of mine kept me posted on available places her landlord had, and we finally hooked up with her and found one we liked. Only about 8 blocks from here, so it shouldn't be a terrible move. The day we handed over the deposit I felt so much stress lift off me! And I got thinking... it has been a long time, about 5 years or more, since we have had our own space. We have always had room mates or friends staying with us. This will be just us! the four of us- my husband and daughter and her boyfriend! It will be so nice to just live as we want- no restrictions, no one to answer to or worry about upsetting. This will be a huge help for my mental and emotional health- therefor helping my physical health as well. The house is bigger than we need, but that's ok! And there is no garage, but we can build a shed for the bike. I am excited for this move, this change... this next chapter.
As for my health, I have been thru a lot of testing, a lot of blood work and have gotten quite a few answers already! I have about doubled the pill intake, but I am feeling almost as good as before all this started! I am learning what my limits are and what I can and cannot do. Still need to get a few answers from the doctor and one or 2 more tests before we decide on the next step of all this. But the wheels are moving, and that alone is keeping me positive! I have an appointment to meet with a new neurologist in about 5 weeks, I really looking forward to that! I am hoping she will have some new ideas for my treatment, as well as being able to determine if some of this other stuff is neurological or not. Thru all this health crap, I have put on quite a bit of weight the past couple months, and it really bothers me to see those numbers on the scale, but I am doing my best to come to terms with it... better a little heavier than I want to be, than totally unhealthy, right? I am actually hoping the weight will start coming back off now that I am feeling a little better and have some new pills and a nutritionist to work with. My biggest concern is being able to do the things I enjoy, and be the me I was a year ago! I have been on the bike once in the past 6 weeks, and it was a very short ride. I miss it, I don't like not going riding. And even worse, I don't like that Troy feels he has to stay home with me rather than go ride and enjoy himself!
I was looking back to a year ago, I was in great health! I was even looking for a job! I felt good enough to think I could work part time. The seizures were pretty much controlled, I was at the top of my game! crazy what a year can do... 6 months ago I was having a dozen seizures a day- at least! I had too many days I wasn't even able to get out of bed because of the other problems.
This weekend we are going on a short little overnight getaway with friends, the original plan was to take the bikes, but weather is not expected to cooperate so everyone is driving. I feel better about that anyway, not sure I'm up for that much riding yet. It will be nice to just hang with friends for a day and sleep away from home! Hopefully relax!
I have so much on my mind that I want to write about, but I have to pace myself with everything I do, including computer time. So I hope to return soon!
Happy reading!
Love and Light

Domestic Violence

Domestic violence has been on my mind a lot lately. I allowed a young girl to live in my home because she had the strength to walk away from a man who put bruises on her and made her feel worthless. I will never someone away who has taken that step! That is the hardest step a woman can take. We have a number of pro athletes who are currently in trouble on domestic abuse charges. 

I don't speak much of my personal experience, but I was in probably one of the most abusive relationships I have ever even heard about. I fell in love... and made a vow when I married him. I was young, what did I know besides what I grew up being taught? You marry someone forever, if you love them- you make it work. I stayed for more than a year. I don't know how many times I ended up in the ER during that 15 months, or how many time I should have gone to the ER but didn't.

My first husband loved me, I know this. But like me, all he knew of marriage was what he grew up seeing at home. His mom was abused daily by his father, he was also abused by his father. He believed that this is how it works when you get married. We had an incredible relationship for the 2 years we dated... then 2 weeks after we got married- everything changed. He was no longer the man I had dated. And it just got progressively worse.

It didn't help that he had a fascination with guns, knives, and other weapons... just made it more- interesting for him... scary for me.

He hurt me in ways most people can't imagine. I was burned, cut, had loaded guns in places no one wants a gun pointed! But every time he hurt me, I got flowers and a card. Every time he hurt me, he knew it was wrong, he knew it was because of his father... but he couldn't stop himself. It wasn't drugs- he rarely even smoked pot, it wasn't alcohol- we drank on weekends only and it wasn't to get drunk- at least not for him! It was his childhood, his dad.

I remember standing over him one night while he slept, I had a loaded gun in my hand pointed at his head. I stood there with tears running down my face for probably an hour... I was ready to kill him, to save myself. But what if I missed? Or only injured him and he woke up? I'd be dead! He wouldn't hesitate to kill me then!

He was never afraid of me. He taught me to use every gun we owned, and every gun was always fully loaded in the house. He bought me my own gun to carry. There was a trust in our relationship, it wasn't based on fear or threat, it was true trust. I guess it was a really strange relationship we had.

One day I stood looking in the mirror... I had a couple scars from knives, some burn scars, a scar from a bullet that had grazed me, I had bruises on my chest and breast, and some swelling on my face. "What the hell am I doing? This is suicide!" I had started using cocaine to dull the pain. I worked three jobs so I didn't have to face the possibility of being hurt again that day. I drank... all the time, starting with vodka in my morning coffee.

It had to end. But when? How far would this go? I loved him! I couldn't' just walk away! Would he kill me? He tried to stop, really he did. He saw a therapist, he wanted me to be his wife and mother of his children. We still had an amazing relationship most of the time, he loved me like I can't explain. He risked his life for me during our marriage, and I know he would have given his life for me. People say they don't love you if they hit you... that isn't true. I know he loved me.

One night I got home from work and he was upset about something. And so it began... I told him I was done with this, he couldn't hurt me like this anymore. If it didn't stop, I was leaving. He got more angry, and this was the worst beating I ever took from him...

As I walked into my parents house that night, my dad wanted to call 911, I begged him not to. My mother looked at my bleeding face, broken cheek bone, broken tooth, and gashed open arm... "I told ya so" and walked in the other room.

People tell me they have been abused and I have no idea what it is like. I understand more than they can ever realize. But I don't advertise that I was abused. I loved him, and I did not want to hurt him or his reputation in the world we lived in. Many of the people I know today, also knew him- I have no reason to make those people think differently of him. And I have no desire to bring back the pain.

Life after the past, right? that was almost 30 years in the past! But somewhere in my head- I see his face and I still smile, but if I hear his voice... I panic.

If you or someone you know is ever in a violent situation- don't tell them to leave, they have to be ready to do this on their own. Support them, be there for them, love them... and never turn them away!

Do You Remember?

We all remember, don't we? This day 13 years ago. I remember moment by moment the details of my day, I think most of us do. I was waking up, glanced at the tv and thought nothing of what I saw. As I got out of bed and put my robe on I looked at the tv again. What movie is this? It doesn't look familiar. I went to start the coffee then turned on the tv in the living room... odd, same channel that we had on in the bedroom. I shrugged it off and went outside to smoke. Came back in and poured my coffee, sat down on the sofa, and picked up the remote... maybe there was news on somewhere.
Channel change... what the hell? Is this... this can't be real! A couple more channel changes and all I find is the exact same image. I turn on the sound to see if it's real or if I need to drink down my coffee, then I walk in to wake up my boyfriend. David? Hun? Wake up! You need to see this! He was so cranky when he was woken up! I led him to the living room as he bitched and moaned and demanded coffee... sat him down in front of the tv, "what show is this?" 
"This is the news, David, This is right now." We stared at the tv for hours. What was happening, what just happened?
As the day went on they start reporting of a plane going into the Pentagon, and one crashing in the middle of a field... could all this be related? No one really knew at that point. So much confusion in the media, not even our military or government could answer the questions.
All day we sat, watching in awe. What do we do? Everyone is right where we are- at home watching the news, waiting. No one knew what we were waiting for, but we were waiting.
I went to work that afternoon... I was sure if anyone left home the bar would be the place to go! And I was right. Customers came in like zombies- lost, confused... and needing a drink to deal with it all! It was far from the normal lively crowd I was used to. We had the tvs on, and we talked about the tragedy. No one played the juke box, no one played pool. They all just sat.
It was a couple days before we could even begin to process what had just happened- the lives lost, the attack on our country, the day that would forever change our nation.
Hundreds of thoughts and questions went thru all our heads that day. Fear, loss, a feeling of vulnerability. 
I am grateful for the men and women who gave their lives to protect and save others that day- the first responders, the men and women of flight 93. My thoughts are with the families who lost someone that day. 9-11, now officially  recognized as Patriots Day, is a part of our history. Pearl Harbor, D- Day, and this. Don't ever forget, and don't let your children or grand children forget the importance of this day.
The men and women who have lost their lives since that day 13 years ago, our future depends on the younger generation understanding why.

Today I realized that there are some people who may be questioning my marriage. I need to assure everyone my marriage is wonderful and not at risk!
A number of people stop doing things as couples when things start going downhill, one partner does things he wants, the other- what she wants. We have been doing things apart from each other. But I have to push my husband to go do things without me. He does not attend rides and other functions alone because I don't' want to be with him... He attends them because I can't be there due to my health concerns, but I still want him to be there representing both of us, enjoying the things he loves to do... even if I am unable to join him. As for me, I don't' do things- plain and simple. My health has not allowed me to do things. Whether it is things I want to do or things I feel a responsibility to do... I just simply can't do them. It sucks! I love my husband and I love the time we spend together, Our time on the bike is the most wonderful thing in the world for me! But until I am well again, it just is not something we will be doing for a while. 
If anyone thinks you know my story, you are probably wrong! If you want to know my story- ask me! I have a lot going on in my life and I don't need people assuming my marriage is failing! Yes we are moving... ALL of us TOGETHER. Not because we are separating, because we need to move. Our marriage is stronger than ever, our family is stronger than ever. 
I spent much of today at the hospital. First visiting my dear friend who had lung surgery yesterday. Then a couple more tests for me, talking to my doctor and my daughters doctor, then my husbands back appointment. Topped off with another visit to the pharmacy. We are all on the path to a healthier life! Yay us!

birth mom

I realize so much of my posting has been health related! That is not why I started this blog! So lets get back to me and my life outside the health problems!
I was just watching a show about people who are searching for their birth mothers. Adults who were given up for adoption as babies. It brings a lot into my mind. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little girl.
I gave Echo up to foster care when she was a little over a year, visiting multiple times a week. By a year and a half, I said good bye for good and allowed her to be adopted, which occured on her 2nd birthday.
I know she will never have far to search for me, I know I will more than likely meet her before she becomes an adult. But what if something were to happen that would eliminate any way she has of finding me... would she search? 
She is 10. What goes thru the mind of a ten year old about the woman who gave birth to her? I look forward to the day I will meet her, I am nervous, but wouldn't anyone be? I don't know if I will meet her this year or in 5 years, or even longer. That isn't up to me, that is her choice. 
My daughter is a victim. Her father was an evil man. My stupidity makes her a victim of me as well. I pray my girls don't hold the past against me, I hope they both understand why things happened the way they did. I still blame myself for very much of the pain my girls went thru, altho it wasn't my doing.
Kayla and I have healed those wounds. We still talk, she understands for the most part. And we are closer than ever! We are closer than we would have been if we hadn't gone thru what we did. And I hope that one day I will be able to have even half that relationship with her sister. I don't want to be her mom, or her other mother. I want to be a friend. I gave up the right to call myself her mom, and I'm ok with that. She has amazing parents raising her! I just want to be a part of her life.
I am lucky enough to know that she can ask questions about me and get straight answers. I get to hear things about her. Most importantly to me- she and Kayla are still sisters, they see each other and have that relationship.
Yes, I'm rambling. I am tired and a bit emotional. 
I know people who have adopted children, I wonder if they fear the day the child wants to know about the birth parents? Or do they have open adoptions? I don't think my daughters parents have concerns about me and Echo seeing each other, they have been very open and honest with her about me, and I have made it clear that I respect their wishes and choices, I respect them as her parents.
I feel for people who can never find that parent. Not so much for the parent who gives up the child. The adult made that choice to walk out of the babys life... the baby did not have that choice, and I think have a right to know who and why.

Doctors. Tests. Answers... part 2

So after another somewhat miserable week, I got a letter in the mail with results from my blood work... The serious things, like kidneys and liver are ok. But I have serious deficiencies in many areas. So to start things off on m path to well being... Starting tomorrow I will be taking 4 supplements along with my meds. It's a start, it's a good start! I have to thank a very dear friend for helping me get these supplements and helping me understand how they will help me. The doctor wants me to meet with a nutritionist, but I trust my friend and her advice. I will follow up with the doctor after getting my chest x-ray. I'm sure there is more to it, I know I need to change my eating habits, I rarely drink anymore, I have already started cutting the soda out of my routine and I know I have to stop smoking- this is no longer something I want to do, it is something I need to do. I know I can get Troy on board in supporting me with it, so it will be easier. I just need to change my habits, and I know I can get feeling a lot better! Stay tuned for more news from the doctors and more news on how the supplements are working! I am keeping a very positive attitude about all this! I have never really been one to take extra anything, even vitamins, but I had no idea how bad off I was... I am willing to change this standard to feel better.
Troy has the whole week off this week! Not going to be a lazy week by any means! We both have doctor visits, I am going to have him help me with some packing and organizing. We are having an open house bbq on Friday that I need to get the house ready for and get a menu for! I have Kayla home most of the week as well, and Dallon works nights all week! So maybe we can actually have some family activities as well. If the kids are interested, that is. 
A dear friend had surgery today. I was really unclear on what was wrong and how serious it was. I knew he had been sick and in the ER a couple times recently. He had lung surgery... sounds pretty serious! I have lost two amazing former coworkers, and I wasn't about to lose another! After about 6 hours I finally got word that he was out of surgery and ok. I am hoping to go see him tomorrow or Tuesday- he will be in the hospital all week, including his birthday! I know Ryan was there watching over him, making sure he made it... it isn't his time yet, he has a wonderful wife and two amazing little girls!

Yesterday was Pagan Pride, I was able to get out of the house for a bit and walk around the park, it was so nice! I got the three of us new necklaces- I have been needing a new pentacle, smaller than the pendant I have work for the past 4 years. Kayla was needing a new triquetra because the one she had broke at the hook. And Troy found a beautiful wolf pendant. We took Zavina with us and she was the highlight of the day, everyone is always so interested in the snake! I enjoy educating people, especially those who fear snakes.
Blessings to all as this weekend comes to a close. Tomorrow brings the full harvest moon~ time to get energized and charge my crystals! 
On a final note... I did only have 2 small seizures today!

Doctors. Tests. Answers.

No, we aren't moving yet. But I'm ok with that. 
I went to the doctor, had my annual check up and made some progress in getting myself well again! Or least to getting answers. We talked about all the problems and symptoms, she is such a good listener, I love Dr. Paula! She had a bunch of blood drawn to start running tests, she ordered a chest x-ray along with the mammogram. She got me a prescription for a new inhaler, that I need to be using daily, not as a rescue inhaler.  She ordered a sleep study- they will be sending out equipment for me to use while I sleep, then return it.  I also got a referral for a new neurologist! YAY! Yonger, female, covered by my insurance... I have big hopes for this one!
So after the blood work comes in and after I get my chest x-ray, and after the results of the sleep study- I will go back and meet with her to see what she has come up with so far. So I have appointments for all this stuff and I am so excited to finally be moving on all this! I hate the idea that I am getting old or that I am getting sicker and will never again be well, I am determined to get answers! And possible treatments!
I have put on some weight again, my COPD has gotten worse, my blood pressure is great. My oxygen is a concern, and of course these other issues. She is checking for some basic deficiencies first, then she is hoping to rule out Lupus and one other condition right away. Then work from there. 
I am really excited for this neurologist! I have been doing a lot of reading and research, and I am hoping she will have some of the same thoughts I do on treating my worsening condition. One of which is a hysterectomy.  There is a 75% success rate in women with seizures not having any more after this procedure! How can I not want to try that?!
I am feeling a lot better emotionally, having a more positive attitude than I have in the past couple weeks... but I am not feeling better. I am accepting the fact that I am just sick, chronic- terminal- whatever it is, I don't ever seem to feel better! I have watched myself go downhill over the past few months, and it is so sad and scares me so much! But like I said, I am staying as positive as I can. I have to keep hope, right? What other choice do I have? NONE!  

Last night was kind of a downer post, ok, a real downer post! I have just gotten to that point that I can't take it anymore. But today, altho I don't feel a whole lot better, I do have a better attitude- aside from things around me.
I cannot control everything, I have to let things happen and accept them for what they are. Easier said than done, but yeah.
Today I have a doctors appointment~ full physical and going to discuss finding me a new neurologist, I'm excited about this! I want to feel better, I am hopeful that I can get better treated and get my seizures back under control, and possibly find out what else is wrong. YAY!
I am also really hopeful about a house! We have an appointment this afternoon to look at one we like. The yard needs a lot of work, but that is doable! I am so ready to move! If we like, or even somewhat like the inside, we will take it! And if he says we can take it, after application and crap, I am willing to cancel ALL plans I have this weekend to move now! I am done just looking and hoping, I am ready to move.
I realize a big part of my health issues and depression are related to this house and the negative energy and tension and bad vibes I get from our room mates daughter. Things are really good with the room mate, no hard feelings on either side about this move, we are still friends and working together on making the move as smooth as possible for everyone. I won't ruin the friendship we have with him, he is a really good guy.
So hopefully my next post will be about getting into a new house! It's not the prettiest, but we will never find the perfect place, right? Maybe if we win the lottery one day and build a home exactly the way we want it... like that will ever happen!
So for today, I am staying as positive as I can and hopeful for the future! I got this.

Yes, I Am Depressed

So I thought my miserable week was coming to an end... boy was I wrong! Still having seizures, and altho I was mentally and emotionally feeling better earlier today, truth is- I'm a mess! My depression will not let go! Maybe I am actually depressed all the time, and just have good moments here and there, rather than the other way around! I just don't know anymore. Reality is I am miserable and do my best not to let anyone see it! But apparently, that's a bad thing. When I do allow it to show I am told I'm being dramatic, or manic, or looking for sympathy... really? Screw you! I don't like people to see me not happy- I don't like not being happy! I don't want people to know how much I cry, how much I really don't like my life... but once in a while, I can't hold it back- it slips out. And those closest to me, who say they care, who matter the most and I think I can count on support from... where are they? They disappear, they are the one talking behind my back or telling me I'm looking for pity. Or they just fade away until they see that I am back to the person they expect me to be. Yeah, those are the friends I trust and keep close... Today is one of those days I feel like just keeping everyone at a distance and stop letting people in. Stop allowing myself to get hurt. But I know that eventually I want those people in my life, and I know that even if I did push them away- I would be stupid and let someone else in who would do the same damned thing.
Depression really sucks! A year ago I was seeing a therapist, and was really making progress on my issues. I really wish I was still seeing her! Or any therapist! I know I need it! I had to stop therapy because winter came and I didn't have the car. Then I gave up my license which made it pretty much impossible to get there. 
So I will be depressed, and I will deal with it. If my so called friends can't accept that- they don't need to be my friends. If they only want the happy Red- they don't get any Red. This is who I am, I have been for a long time, and I doubt I can just make it change. 
Years ago I thought depression was just in a persons head, something you go thru and get over. I was raised that you weren't sick unless you were really physically sick, you didn't need a doctor unless you were gushing blood or projectile vomiting. But I have learned that is far from true! I suffer depression. It does not just go away! And the more that I go thru in life, yes, the worse it gets! I was in denial for a long time about it, but not anymore. I still try to hide it but I know I am sick, I know this is a problem. I no longer lie to myself about it... but I do lie to everyone else. I don't want them to see me from the inside, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or stay away because I'm not a happy person. I pretend to be happy, I struggle to smile every day. I search for things to be happy about, I find positive in every day to try to counter all the negative inside of me. 
As my health progressively gets worse, my depression gets worse. Makes sense, as I see my health decline and realize I am becoming more limited in the things I can do. Which also limits the things my husband can do... or will do because he doesn't want to do them without me. My declining health keeps me from being active, from even doing basic day to day stuff at home! The thought of a future of not being able to care for my family- or even myself- is terrifying! 
Yes, I'm depressed!