My Health- honestly

You know, I am overall a very happy and very grateful person. But once in a while I get so irritated with people, even people I care about, and get my feelings hurt for stupid crap! Today I feel miserable, my health is at an all-time low, and it is affecting me mentally and emotionally. And that messes with me even more when I think how it is affecting me! Just a terrible circle! So yes, I am more emotionally vulnerable and probably get my feelings hurt easier. But then I look at things and realize, no- I think I am justified in having hurt feelings! Will I say anything to these people? No, because I don't want them to be upset or think I'm feeling sorry for myself or being a drama queen... it's not worth all that! I'm a peace keeper, not a drama starter.

I had another really bad seizure last night. It topped off the week of feeling like crap perfectly. My seizures are becoming stronger again, and more often. Honestly, I am scared. They seem to knock me on my ass worse than they have in the past. I'm getting older, I know this, takes more out of me, takes longer to recover. But I hurt everywhere, and I don't feel any better now, at 10pm, than I did after the seizure at 5am! What is going to happen ten years from now? I already feel like I need to be taken care of and watched over, I feel like I am preventing Troy from doing the things he enjoys. I can't be a part of the things I enjoy nearly as much as I used to! Riding with my husband used to be the best thing in the world! Now, I can't do it very often, and when I do, I pay for it physically! I can't be the person I want to be! It is so depressing! I really don't like feeling sorry for myself or sounding like I want sympathy... this is just how I feel.

On the positive side! I see my family doctor this week, and plan to discuss some of my medical concerns with her and get a referall for a new neurologist! Maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel! 

You don't know what really my health problems are, do you? I've never shared more than my epilepsy. I chronic bronchitis and early stage emphysema... they thew that under the umbrella term COPD. I have an inhaler, but rarely use it. I stay indoors when the air is bad, I struggle when we have bad air and humidity. Day to day it isn't too bad, but I do notice it. My anxiety is a result of a number of things, I finally caved and got medicated for it, which has helped immensely! Rare to have major panic attacks anymore, and I can deal with the small ones. I've had cataract surgery in both my eyes, causing me to need reading glasses and I struggle to do much without getting headaches. Since the mini stroke so much has changed with my health... sometimes I wonder if it just a result of that, or results of my seizures, or if there truly is something else wrong with me... I have had problems that have symptoms of things like MS, fibro, ME, and who knows what else! This is a big reason I need to find a new doctor who can listen to my problems and give me suggestions on who to see and give me some answers! I am ok with things as long as I have an explanation! But not knowing why I get these pains and dizzy spells, and memory loss and everything else... drives me nuts! Depression has seemed to get much worse in recent years, I'm sure it is due to all this other crap, along with not being able to work and help support my family. 

I think the memory loss is the worst part of it. Short term memory seems to be slipping more every day, and that scares me a lot! I have always been so good at multi tasking and being able to keep lists in my head... now if someone tells me something that needs to be on the shopping list, I forget what it was by the time I walk in the next room to write it down! If I even remember why I came in that room! I get random stabbing pains, I get random throbbing pains. I never got headaches until maybe the past 2 years. 

I have small seizures every day now, the slightest thing can trigger what I call mid sized seizures, and even big ones. with the various types I have, I would estimate I have 25 seizures a week now, on a good week maybe 15, on a bad week probably as many as 100! Yes, there have been days I have had over 2 dozen in one day! crazy right? No one knows this. they happen when no one is here or the small ones are so small people in the house don't notice I have them most of the time. So why stress people out when there truly is nothing that can be done? Troy can't stop them, and when I have these little ones, there is nothing anyone can do to help- so why worry them. I love my husband and my daughter, and I don't' want them constantly worrying about me! They deserve to have some stress free time! My daughter is 22 and has an amazing guy in her life. She worries about me enough as it is, I can't have her neglecting her life and her good times to take care of or worry about me.

I do love my life, when I feel good, everything is amazing! Even when I don't feel well, I have a good life outside my health trouble, and I recognize that and thank the goddess every day for what I have! I will survive and I will get thru all this- I always do. But it gets harder every day to believe that it is all going to be ok.

Sorry for such negativity today, I just need to let the real me out and not be afraid to show this side of me. People need to understand why I get in my moods and what my issues really are. Like I said, no matter how sick I feel, I always find a reason to smile every day and something to be grateful for every day to bring positive into what can be a very negative day.

Which reminds me... Yesterday we went for a ride. A very long ride! My sweet friend with breast cancer was in town and I was able to find a back seat for her because we really wanted to spend time together and she really wanted to go for a ride! This girl is such an inspiration to me! She had a double mastectomy two weeks ago, is still healing and dealing with the fact that she went from a quite large chest to this. She was told a couple days ago what she has coming in the near future with radiation and chemo. She has so much on her plate! Yet she rode with us yesterday- 10 hours on the bike, I woke her up so we could be on the bikes before the sun came up! We hit cold weather, rain, and she was not at all dressed for riding! This girl had a smile on her face every time I looked at her! She complained of a couple dizzy spells, and a couple bad pains that had me really concerned, but she still rode out the day and smiled thru it all! I love this girl! If she can manage that smile with all she is struggling with... then my issues should be nothing!

)O( Love & Light

A Hump Day Post

It's Wednesday. What a week it has been since I got home! First of all, I dumped a cup of coffee on my lap top my last morning away. I have gotten so spoiled having this lap top! Three days without it and I was going crazy! I no longer have my desk top hooked up to the internet, so everything was done from my phone. My amazing nephew was able to save my lap top and I picked it up today! Yay! Kinda sad that we all rely so much on technology. I have spent much of the last two days crocheting, which has been nice. I love to crochet... just wish my eyes would cooperate and my tendinitis wouldn't act up. I have to take breaks more often than I would like, but I do still get stuff done!
We took Kayla in to see the doctor today for her ankle. It has been bothering her again. The doctor said it is scar tissue built up that just needs to be broken down thru exercise. What a relief! I was not looking forward to being told they want to open her back up! 
I am becoming more hopeful about the house hunt- time to start getting serious about it, I want to be out of here before the first of October.
I am getting irritated and frustrated again with the room mates daughter and her boyfriend. Things have been going so well, it was really nice! But I knew it wouldn't last forever. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe they just don't get it. But I really feel taken advantage of... and I honestly feel sorry for the room mate once we are gone! I don't why I allow it to get to me sometimes, but really- how hard is it to say thank you once in a while? There is more than that, of course, but just a thank you would do so much!
I am feeling really good this week, it's a nice change! The weather has been crazy- rain everyday, temps not even hitting 80. Just strange for August. But I am really liking it!
So something has been bothering me, but I haven't had my computer to blog, so here goes my rant...
I had my weight goals all planned out, and I was doing so well! I was 2 pounds away from the weight I really want to be at! I was thrilled! People tell me it is too thin for me, but it is where I feel comfortable- so screw those opinions- it's my body. Anyway... I got on a scale this weekend... OMG! I am now 15 pounds from that goal. What in the world happened? I am not at all happy! I know, I need to get off my tush and get back to working out, but really- I put on almost 15 pounds since June?! I'm just confused and a bit frustrated.
OK, that rant is over, thanx for putting up with me. 
I have to wake the husband up in a couple hours for an early day of work. It's been a pretty boring evening. And I need to eat!  

This weekend I have the opportunity to have some alone time. I realize I am alone quite often at home, but it's never really alone time. Most of the time someone is home, I have something to get done, my mind is racing... but this weekend is just me and no worries! It feels wonderful to just relax and be able to clear my head. I love my husband and my family and my dogs... but once in a while everyone needs a break. It's been quite a while since I have had this mini vacation, and I am enjoying every second of it! 
I just saw something on Facebook that grabbed my attention~ Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows. This is so very true! Lately I have been struggling with thoughts that my once best friend is no longer the person she used to be. Without getting into details, she has become so extremely negative, angry, and protective of a liar. It was so hard to let go of the idea that she was still the person I love and wanted to have in my life forever. But every day it got harder and harder. And the man in her life... I once had so much respect for him, before they even met! Now, I can't even stand the idea of being at a function he attend. How do people change so drastically? Can they not see that others want nothing to do with that kind of drama and negativity? Do they not care what others think of them? It's sad, it really is. I miss her, I have for a very long time- the person she was a couple years ago. Today was the end. I cut off communications with her- and with the man in her life. We all have struggles, daily struggles that most people, unless you are close to each other, don't realize. We don't all advertise and beg for sympathy, we don't blame others and rant about hatred. We deal with it. I have so much going on in my life, yet I deal with it within my family and my very close friends... and I always reach out to help others who may need it, no matter where I am at with my situations.
Today I woke up to see snow on the mountains behind this house. It is August! Quite a chilly night filled with thunder and lightning and rain, and a very cool morning- and I see that white stuff! It's pretty much all melted now, thank goodness!
Troy and I were supposed to be on a weekend getaway with our PGR family this weekend. Gathering of the Guard is in Vernal, that's where everyone headed off to. But we decided we needed to save the money for our move and cancelled the trip. I'm ok with it... it is probably cold up there, and I don't do well in the cold on the bike, I'm sure I wouldn't be enjoying myself. And, because we didn't go, I was able to help out my dear friends while they go, by staying with their dogs.
I am so grateful for the positive attitude I have found, the peaceful mind I have created, and the amazing friends I have! 
My past was full of anger and hurt, and fake people and drama. I am past that, I have grown, and I love the life I have!

I Have Epilepsy

Yes, I have seizures. Yes, I am epileptic. Over the years my seizures have changed, kind of odd really. But nothing about my disease makes sense, so why would I expect my seizures to remain the same?

We still don't know exactly when I started having them, I was diagnosed at age 16 and we guessed I had been having them for about 2 years prior to that. Why was I not diagnosed sooner? Well, I was raised by a woman who had the attitude that if you aren't gushing blood or on your death bed, there is no reason to see a doctor. No one ever witnessed my seizures prior to the day I was diagnosed. The first few years of my seizures they came at night, in my sleep. I would wake up for a split second and then be unconscious. I would wake up very sore and very tired, sometimes on the floor, having wet my bed... nothing made sense! I wrote it off as nightmares, because I had no memory of anything happening. I never mentioned anything to my parents... I knew what would be said. I said something once tht I was sore and weak, Mom just said I had a bad night sleep. So I dealt with it. I knew something was wrong, but I had no evidence, no proof, and no one to talk to about it!

At age 16 I was in California spending the summer with my uncle and aunt, my parents were in Hawaii. I was at the grocery store with my uncle. I don't remember a thing that happened, just that when I woke up there was my uncle and a few others around me telling me to stay still and paramedics were there immediately. I was taken to the hospital, told I had a seizure. They did so many tests. And asked so many questions! Has this ever happened before? Well, actually... and I told them the stories about my night time experiences. Yep, sounded like seizures.  They referred us to a doctor in Salt Lake, and my summer was cut short.

Nothing was ever found in those tests, no tumors or anything that could cause random seizues... it was officially epilepsy. A seizure disorder with no explanation. I continued for a couple years just having those night time seizures, and I started having focal seizures during the day... mostly when I was stressed or had overworked my eyes. A couple medication changes to get me on something that worked... one of the meds had a total opposite effect of its purpose, causing me to have about 20 grand mal seizures a day for about three days until we could get the med changes in my system.

I went thru a couple years of kind of serious drug and alcohol use, not addiction, but heavy use. Interestingly, I went that entire period of time with zero seizures! I really thought they were gone! I had been having anywhere from 10 to 20 major seizures a year to none in about 2 and a half years. Then I got clean. And there they were again.

Then came pregnancy... wow! My doctors had told me hormones played a big role in my seizures, that was an understatement! I was seeing my doctors weekly to be sure my baby was ok and that I was ok, I was on so many supplements to help my meds and hormones get along. 

The next few years I started having more day time seizures, awake- altho I always went unconscious. But they would happen at any random time, and more often than before... but somehow weren't as painful. I hated that my daughter had to see that, she didn't understand- all she knew was mom was hurting. Then there was another year or so that I didn't have any, then out of nowhere... they started again, more severe, lasting longer, always ended up with cuts, scratches, bruises, and bumps. It was scary. 

The second pregnancy, there was no controlling them. We changed meds, we gave me insane supplements, they tried to keep me in the hospital to monitor me for 3 months! No! But I was having multiple seizures daily and it was exhausting. I have to say I am grateful for the seizures I do have, I know there are people out there who are much more severe than I am, who live, or exist, with that being their daily life.

I stopped working because of my seizures, I gave up my drivers license, m life has changed a lot in the past few years due to the changes in my condition. I average half dozen grand mal seizures a year, multiple daily smaller seizures that don't really affect my activity, and depending on my health and stress levels and other things going on with me, I have anywhere from 5 to 50 a week that stop me from what I am doing, but I stay conscious, they aren't too painful, but turn my entire body to jello when it stops. Any thing can cause my seizures. There are guide lines of things to avoid, but some things just can't be avoided. I have had one major seizure on the Harley... a rock hit me in the face, startled me, and I went into a seizure. Troy and I have a system set so he knows if I am not ok. He did amazing and had me off the bike in no time at all! My dog can bark unexpectedly and trigger me. Yesterday before the ride, I stepped in a pothole I didn't see! I don't like that these silly things trigger me, it's like the older I get the more sensitive my triggers are. 

I currently take 2 medications for my epilepsy, and I developed some serious anxiety in recent years due to the seizures, so I now take a medication for that as well.

Last night I was sitting out on the front porch, enjoying the quiet and smoking. It had been a long day, and I was just about to head to bed. Suddenly I felt it, that feeling I get when I know its big not something small. I pushed the door open (I don't let the door close tight when I am alone outside), I fought to get in the house before going down. I woke to my wonderful dogs waking me and trying to move me. They tried to get help, but Troy didn't hear them. I was still out of it, but managed to dial the phone ... the one person i knew was still awake in the house. When I didn't respond to him answering the phone, he came running upstairs to help me.

I am very blessed to have people in my life who understand my condition, to have dogs who are not trained service dogs, but know what I need and don't leave my side until I have help.

My doctor once told me I might grow out of this at some point since it is not something I was born with. I dont' see that happening. I have learned to live with my disease, I have taught everyone who enters my life how to care for someone having a seizure. I am lucky it isn't worse, I am lucky to have never been severely injured or caused injury to anyone else.

This is me, I have epilepsy.

Amazing weekend- amazing people

Today was the ride of the year... Fallen Officer Ride, honoring Utahs law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty. And supporting the families of these men and women. Police officers, in my opinion, are just like our military- they put their lives on the line every day, just here at home rather than on foreign soil. These are just as much heroes as our military. This past year we had 2 officers shot and killed. These were the families we focused on today. The funds raised go to support the families, help them where the benefits stop. Today there were over 6000 bikes, I can't even begin to guess how much money was raised!

It was a long hot day, but always worth it!

So many people I only see once a year, I really look forward to this ride each year for so many reasons! The people who bring their children out to stand on the road waving and holding flags as all 6000 bikes go by. I love waving to the kids and knowing that they not only enjoy seeing us- but their parents have probably explained why we do this. The memorial at the state capitol with names, photos, and explanation of death- each attached to a flag near the memorial wall. The ceremony is always so emotional, one day they will have to find a bigger location- I truly don't think they ever expected this to get so much attention!

Truly a wonderful day with thousands of wonderful people. We had our group of friends we rode with- my sister and some friends from PGR. But everyone who comes out for this, everyone who supports this~ all amazing!

In addition to this ride, the entire weekend was just the best I could ask for! Friday night I had date night with my amazing husband. We rarely get out just the two of us. The kids were camping so we took advantage of that. Dinner and a couple hour ride- just us! Saturday morning we had the honor of attending the wedding of a woman who has become very close to us, her son was the first mission Troy and I participated in as PGR members. She has become a dear friend, and I am so very happy to see that she has found a man who is so very good to her and puts that smile on her face! Then later Saturday we attended a birthday party for a good friend. BBQ, a lot of food, fun and laughs and friends... been a while since we spent time with this group of friends- and it was wonderful!

I am exhausted now, and ready for my Monday to get here. Kids are home in one piece from camping. And everything is good here on the homefront. Avoiding the drama and negativity that seems to be trying so hard to enter my world- I am blocking it and loving my life!

Thanx to those who read what comes out of my head!

)O( Blessings to you all )O(

Days Like These

Days like these give me such emotional struggles. I am happy but hurting.

A little over eleven years ago, I was told I was going to have another baby. I was thrilled! I already had my daughter, she was 11, and I had been told I could not have anymore children. When I married husband number four, he was heart broken that he would never a child of his own. So this was amazing news for us. In March, a year and a week after we were married, I gave birth...

To this adorable little chunk. Her first year was so amazing! I had this wonderful little life who was always full of smiles and always brought smiles to everyone around.

Shortly after her first birthday, is when my world started to collapse. My older daughter taken from me by her father, for good reason. My home torn apart by police. Then the unthinkable... I was being forced to give up my baby to foster care if I couldn't find a family member to take her until all the investigation and court stuff was done. 

Long story short, I was put in a position of giving her up for good, or traumatizing her with an unsure future.

The couple I asked to adopt her are amazing! They have been able to give her things I never could have. They love her more than life itself. And I am beyond grateful to have them in her life.

So the emotional up and down...

This weekend is the annual family reunion camping trip for my first  daughters dads family. Did I mention the couple who adopted my little one is related to my older one on her dads side? My girls have plenty of chances to see each other and spend time, this weekend being one of those. This little chunk has grown into a beautiful ten year old, she knows her sister, she knows she's adopted. I am happy and blessed to be able to have these girls in each others lives. Sisters are so very important! And they love each other so much! This is the up. I love that they are spending time together, keeping their relationship alive. Kayla is there for little sister!

The low? I am not there to see it. I am not-yet- in her life. I see pictures, I hear stories, but I can't reach out and touch this girl who I created. I can't hear her voice or tell her how much I love her. It hurts. I miss her. And I love her so much! There are so many things I want her to know... In time, I know I will be able to. But when I see her with her sister, when I hear that she is with Grandma while I'm on the phone with Grandma... it just tears me up.

I know I did what was best for her. And what was best for everyone involved, including myself. But most importantly- her. She was, and always will be the person who matters. I wanted her to be happy and healthy and have a good life... and that is what I gave her. That is what her (adoptive) parents have given her. And I love them and thank them daily in my prayers!

Here are my girls... one is 22, will be 23 before her little sister turns 11. Aren't they stunning?

...

This has been a difficult week. Three celebrities passed away, Robin Williams- suicide. Just a devastating loss to everyone!
And then there is Dillon. 20 years old, walking out of a 7-Eleven after getting a soda with his brother and cousin, police mistake him for someone else and shoot him. He had ear phones in, he didn't hear them yelling to get down, he reached to pull up his pants, they thought he may be reaching for a weapon. Shot dead. Tragic end to a short life. Dillon was a friend of my daughters since third grade, they did a play together. She also had classes with his brother, who watched Dillon die just five years after the devastating loss of their parents. This is just such a terrible thing. The kids don't trust police anymore, they think they are all bad cops, and will lie in the end to make themselves look better. Who will pay the bills? Not the police. Who will go to jail? Probably nobody. The family and friends are more angry than anything. He was mexican, people are saying that is why this happened. Sad they feel that way. The police had a report of a man with a gun, Dillon happened to fit that description. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I have very mixed feelings on this situation. I do believe in good cops, I do believe accidents happen when police are in a situation where they believe there is a weapon. But I know this incident has hurt many people. When I see my daughter hurting and angry, it is so hard for me to try to make sense of it for her. No matter what I say, she won't listen. The younger generation can't see both sides, all they see is a friend is dead... for no reason.
The media brought up a bunch of stuff about him that truly had nothing to do with the shooting, and made him look bad. Fair? Not at all. Fact is he is dead, fact is he shouldn't be. He was unarmed, minding his own business. Police have a tough job- they have to make that split second decision... this time it was the wrong decision, but it was still a call those officers had to make.
I feel for my daughter and her friends who lost this young man, his fiance who is carrying his child, his brother and sister who now only have each other...
An account has been set up accepting donations to help pay for his funeral costs- which I really feel the media should be made aware of! I've heard nothing of that with all the other attention this has gotten. I pray they raise the funds needed, I pray they find the answers and the peace they need. And I pray that one day they will all learn to respect law enforcement again.
I am not the biggest fan of police, but I do trust them as an organization. I will call on them if I need help and put my faith in them to protect me. They put their lives on the line every day... one incident should not change the opinion of all police officers.
Fly with angels Dillon, we will miss you. Robin, we will miss your laughs. Lauren Bacall- your beauty and class will live on.

People

So much on my mind tonight, so many different emotions running around. I can't even focus on a single topic right now. 
There are so many different types of people who enter our lives. They all are there for a reason, whether you are happy about it or not. People will come into your life and judge you, then there are the people who have beliefs and lifestyle totally opposite yours, but still choose to be a friend. There are people who seem like they will be the best friend ever, then eventually you see a side of them you can't accept. There are people you would drop everything for and you know would do the same for you.
Today I had experiences with all these people! I am blessed to have the friends I do, I love the friends I can talk to no matter what. There are people who will hurt you no matter what they say to you, there are people who will make you smile with every word. 
That one person who cries constantly that his/her life sucks because they have no money and no life. no life because they pushed everyone away, and still manage to get the sympathy from others to have things given to them... even a vacation paid for? I struggle, we can't take trips, we don't make a big deal of it and beg for sympathy... we deal with it. We sacrifice. Do we like it? No. But we manage and accept what we have been dealt.
That person who judges you. Does he have any idea what you have been thru? 
I am irritated with people. I really wish we could just leave the city for good. Not deal with nearly the people and the crap we put up with.
95% of people have no idea who I really am and why... and yes, I would be terribly judged I'm sure. If you don't like me, that's your problem~ not mine.
I really wish I could organize my thoughts right now! I apologize for not making any sense tonight.

Summer Hair and No Regrets

I got out today, went to see my favorite hair gal... I was due for a touch up. I've told her my plans for the year- a summer of color! I decided this year that my hair will be different and fun and loud all year. I figure since I don't have a job or anyone who can tell me NOT to have wild colors, why not? I'm tired of doing the traditional 'natural' colors that I can buy at WalMart. Last year I dyed it pink and loved it! then did a purple, that faded to pink. This year I started with pink, then two different purples, then decided to have my hair girl do one of her professional colors... I told her I wanted a BAM red! And that's what I got... fire engine red! Bright, loud, and totally me! Unfortunately, it faded pretty quick- yes, to pink. Did I mention the purples both also faded to pink? I've decided I am destined to have pink hair. So today when I went in, I had told her to decide what we are going to do... she has fun with me because I'm her only client who uses the vibrant colors and really doesn't mind being a guinea pig. So after bleaching out my dark roots, she mixed up two bowls of color. Fun! She put a dark purple closer to my head, then has it fading to a magenta/pink. I love it! It fits me, just like all the other loud, off the wall colors... my personality is loud and off the wall. I really don't think I will ever have a 'natural' color in my hair again!
I am so excited for my next appointment... in about 6 weeks we are doing a rainbow of colors to celebrate Matt Wagstaff. And I think we will be doing neon highlights in each color! 
I really don't knwo how my husband or daughter feel about all this wildness going on with me, I think they are getting used to it. But it's me, it's who I am, and I love it!
If you ever get an idea to do something that seems crazy, or that puts your mothers voice in your head telling you not to... just do it! Live your life the way you want to- not the way society tells you to. I look back at the things I've done- some would call them risks I've taken, and I think how boring my life would have been if I hadn't just gone for it! I wouldn't have the memories and the laughs if I had told myself no because someone wouldn't like it.
Live life to its fullest... no regrets!

August

August has always been one of my very favorite months of the year, since I was little. My sister and my dad both have birthdays in August, it's the warmest month of the year- which in my opinion makes it the best month!
 Growing up we always took a two week vacation as a family, then later just with my parents. We went so many places! East, west, south and north. Sometimes camping, sometimes in the car. I saw so much, beautiful places, historic monuments, unusual things. I really learned a lot on these trips. 
As I got older I found more people in my life who celebrate birthdays this month, my former mother-in-law, who is still my best friend, my twins- one of whom is my soulmate. The man I had my longest relationship with. 
It has remained a month of celebration for me. Being outdoors and loving my life! Sure there are things that get me sad, like the fact that I will not be celebrating my dads 75th birthday with him on Saturday. But I keep the memories of other years in my mind. I wish I could take my daughter on the kind of trips I went on as a child, but I don't have the means. I did take her one year on a long vacation to California (in August). We went to Disneyland, Big Bear, spent a day in Vegas. Then to Sea World, a day at the beach. And topped off with the best surprise party ever! It was for my dads 60th birthday, he went to spend his 60th with his brother and sister... he was completely unaware that my California plans included seeing him, nor did he know the family had contacted friends and relatives from multiple states! We had an entire beach reserved at a club, bon fires, BBQs, so much fun for everyone! It was truly a memory I won't forget. 
August was also about getting ready to go back to school. I loved school as a kid!
As a teen August was about being in California. My parents would go on a trip alone and I would get to stay with my aunt and uncle a block from the beach!
My sister married in August. 
Now August is about seeing the neighborhood kids go back to school and not torment my dogs all day.
August is for being on the bike with Troy and enjoying our time and mother nature.
August will always be my favorite.

Empty

I have hardly started packing and the house is already starting to look like we are moving. It looks empty already! I have only packed a few things- mostly decor and stuff we won't be needing before the move. But a few pictures taken off the walls, and some empty shelves just makes it so real... I still don't like that we have to move. I wish we could stay, find a way to keep this place forever. We have looked at a couple places, but have found nothing yet. Expanded our options to Tooele if it has to be. But I really have hopes that something in this neighborhood will pop up! 
I am going to get serious with my packing probably Monday. Cory's kids are leaving tonight for a week, so I can move around the house without worrying about waking or disturbing people.
I look around and just still can't believe we are losing this, being forced out of what has become our home, I am just so sad over this! I know things will work out the way they are meant to, and I know we will find a house that works for us... we have angels watching over us!
So I am thinking a week from now this house will look like a place that is being moved out of. I don't like the last minute packing, the more I can get done now, the better! Cleaning as I pack and throwing things out, rather than tossing them in with whats being moved... I need this to be as easy as possible for us! I can't let the emotions and stress of moving cause me to get sick during a move! A week and the house will look empty. The kids are starting to pack, too. 
I had my ghost here yesterday, very active. Pretty sure it was Gary. He scared me at one point. But it helped me... it reminded me that no matter what, we have these spirits with us, protecting us, helping us, reminding us we are not alone! I know, some of you don't believe in ghosts and spirits... when you have them in your life, when you have a gift that allows you to see and feel their presence- you believe. My daughter and I have been blessed with this gift, Kayla moreso than I, she can feel the presence of spirits almost everywhere she goes! She struggles at cemeteries and hospitals are just not a good place for her! 
Time to get back to cleaning, I just needed to vent my feelings on this- reality hit me in a new way today, and brought another wave of sadness.

31 Heroes

3 years ago today we lost these 30 amazing heroes and a military dog named Bart.

I had the honor of participating in the services for one of these men- IT1 Jared W Day- a member of SEAL team 6. (He is the second one down on the left side.)

31 Heroes

Never Forgotten

Forever Friends

Last night as I was waiting for my daughter to get home from work, I got a text... Are you awake? I really need to talk! So I called. My third husband and I have a relationship not many can understand. We are best friends, we are always there for each other- no matter what. At one point in my life I loved him enough to want to spend my entire life with him, that love may change over time, but it never goes away.
He began by telling me the story of what had happened to his wife the previous night... and what the hospital told them. He is scared, he needed a friend, he needed to get this out... and I care about him, and will always be there for him- or any of my friends, when they need an ear, or emotional support. They are heading into a very scary future, an unknown future- with a lot of what ifs.
I wish I could be there for them, because I do care about them both. But his wife doesn't like me. Not that she doesn't like me as a person- she doesn't like that I am his ex, and that we are friends. She is one who doesn't understand. And I really don't understand people like that. He loves her, and I am married and love my husband... we WERE married, we divorced for a reason. So why is there jealousy? He and I will be friends until the end of our time on earth... no one can stop that. We have been thru too much together, over 20 years of friendship.
It makes me sad that she feels the way she does, and it makes me sad that he has to lie to her about me, and keep secrets when he does talk to me. They are entering into such a difficult time~ I just want to be there for them!
I have love for all of my exes... not the same love as when I married them, a different kind of love. And I will remain forever friends with as many of them who will allow me to remain in their lives. That's just the kind of person I am. I was told last night that I don't think like a normal girl- because I don't understand the jealousy and trust issues... well, maybe I'm not a normal girl! But I have what's important- a big heart, a caring soul, and the desire to help everyone!
So I send love and light and healing energy to his wife, and I pray she is going to be alright. I will continue talking with him about the situation, so he gets the support he needs.
Cancer sucks. But I honestly believe everything happens for a reason.

Tribute to a hero~ Dan Dolan

Yesterday we went on our favorite ride of the year, to honor and remember Dan Dolan, KIA 2006. All the money raised by this event go to select military and veteran charities, and we always have such an amazing time. 

We were lucky enough to be able to stay Friday night with a dear friend in Roy, so it would be a very short trip Saturday morning to our staging location for the ride. She made us dinner and even cheesecake, and made us feel very welcome and at home! And I even got a good nights sleep!

Saturday started with a couple cups of coffee with our hosts, then off to Golden Spike HD for breakfast and registration. As we prepared to ride, I made sure we had other heros represented... I had a wrist band for Jared Day, I had a pin with Matthew Wagstaff, and of course I always have my bracelet and tattoo of Brandon. I also had dog tags for Aaron Kramer, Matt Wagstaff, and Brandon. All our heros are recognized and remembered at all of these events.

First person I seek out when we get there is always Fay. Fay Dolan, the Gold Star Mom who lost her son 8 years ago. She puts so much work and effort into putting this together every year, she is such an amazing woman!

Registration takes 2 hours not because it really takes that long to register, we actually pre-registered and it took about a minute, but to socialize and visit with people we rarely see thru the year.

This is Gordon Ewell, with his new wife Melanie. Gordon is one of the most inspiring men I have ever met! He is a true hero and survivor. This man has been blown up 6 times, he is deaf in one ear, and hard of hearing in the other, he has vision in only one eye... the other has been replaced with a Purple Heart glass eye. He walks with one- sometimes 2 canes. He has more injuries than I can even remember, but he keeps going! He comes to all of these events! Gordy has written 4 books. He goes bike riding (has a bike built especially for his needs), he went rock climbing recently, he just doesn't stop! I love this guy and think more people need to hear about him and be motivated by his courage and attitude. This is the kind of person who truly gets my respect!

We had a good showing this year, not nearly as many people as previous years, but there was a lot going on this year and the economy has really made it hard for people to get to all of these events. I didn't get the count on how many were there, but it was still a good showing.

The ride had an escort of about a dozen motorcycle LEO, plus a sheriff truck. They blocked traffic and made sure we were safe the entire ride. They are always so good to us on these rides. And we can never show enough how much we appreciate them.

We rode thru the mountains, such a beautiful day! Nothing beats having the wind in my face and seeing the beauty Mother Nature has for us.

Toward the end of the ride, we took a small detour to bring some smiles to well deserving people... we all rode into the parking lot of the George Wahlen Veteran Home, a care facility for vets, rode around the buildings and thru the drop off roundabout where they had a number of vets outside waiting for us. They waved to us and smiled... we all waved and honked. It was awesome!

This was just yards from where we ended our ride, so we just pulled out of the home and into the fair grounds. Where there was food and water and soda and shade! It was a hot sunny day! We relaxed and chatted with friends, we ate and laughed. Then they did an auction and the raffle. And then there was a balloon release. A balloon for each of our Utah fallen. Steve was there, we both released a balloon for Brandon. 

It was truly an amazing day. I am so glad my health and our finances allowed us to join them this year. We missed last year, and I missed the year prior, due to health problems. So this was really special for me to be there again.

Bless our troops, bless our fallen and the families who suffer that loss every day for the rest of their lives. Bless the USA.