Christmas 2016~ A First Christmas

How do I even explain what this Christmas was like?

I have not celebrated this holiday since 2004, this was like my first Christmas!

I made a decision that I was going to change my attitude for the benefit of my family and myself. I went shopping for holiday decor~ Ambri said I was like a kid in a candy store! We put up a tree and decorated it, we put lights and decorations around the house, not a lot- limited budget, but it was still awesome. I was excited! I have let down my daughter for years by not doing this- she deserves better, she deserves happy memories!

This year I have a house full- and they have brought so many smiles and so much love to our home... how could I not give it back?

We were very concerned about getting gifts, money has been very tight since the family moved here- for all of us, but we did what we could. Then someone reached out to me, someone who heard about our family. A couple nights before Christmas they showed up at my door with boxes and bags of gifts and food. Gifts for each of the kids- enough to fill under the tree. Food for Christmas dinner and other basic grocery and household needs. I was so overwhelmed, a crying speechless mess! They went way beyond anything I could have asked or dreamed. This is the spirit of the season, helping others. Yes, we would have managed. These kids have all had rough Christmases with little under the tree, we would have managed a decent dinner... But we had a great dinner! And the kids got many gifts, things they wanted and needed.

The smiles on everyones faces are all I wanted, my goal for Christmas was to have a house full of happy people, smiles, giggles... it was perfect! And we even got a white Christmas! Woke up to a foot of snow outside!

The last time I celebrated Christmas I had both my girls with me...

This year I had my oldest and her husband and our extended family... and I was able to get a gift for my youngest... for the first time since 2004. I didn't give it to her in person, but she did get it.

I am already making plans for next year! This was so much more than just Christmas for me. It was a new beginning.

I hope every year is as amazing as this was, I want others to experience the true spirit of the season... I want to pay it forward and help others as we were helped this year.

I will never NOT celebrate Christmas again!

The governor and porn

So today it was announced that our governor wants to set aside $50k to give a non-profit organization to help in the efforts to block porn from Utah children... This non-profit holds conferences and educates people on how to protect your kids from porn.
I normally don't have a lot to say when it comes to political stuff and the decisions of our leaders. But this I do! And I feel I am totally justified in having a say! 1~ I worked in the porn industry. 2~ I was married to a man with a terrible (and dangerous) addiction to porn. 3~ I went to prison for hell sake! For not keeping porn 'properly' away from my children.
Porn is like beer- if kids want it, they will get it. Look at the internet! Kids have cell phones and their own computers... not that hard for them to access the crap! And if parents want to keep it away from their kids- it's pretty much common sense, right? Just like drugs and drinking- open communications, be active in their lives, blah blah blah! Utah has a bad habit of pretending things don't exist... if we don't tell our kids, they will never know. Good hell! Don't tell your kids porn is evil and will cause you to become a rapist, don't tell them it isn't real, either... guess what- some people enjoy watching porn with their spouse! Some people look at porn as an alternate to going ut and hurting someone. I have talked to many people about porn... I lived it, I needed to understand what and why. It isn't just kids watching it! There are couples, there are women wanting ideas to add spark to their failing marriage, there are lonely old men... And the people making porn? is that even an issue? I'll tell you who makes porn... women- and men- who want to be able to pay the bills without having to live paycheck to paycheck, moms who want to be able to have an income while being a stay at home parent, people who love the camera and their own bodies, people who know there are others out there who want to see them without clothes on, normal everyday people!
Will this $50k stop the exploitation of women? Or men for that matter- yes, there are men who are exploited too! No, it won't. That is an entirely different issue. And not one that can even be touched on a state level! The internet is not local!
Will it help with the sex trafficking of minors? Hell no! Not even in the same realm of issues! Yes, Utah has a BIG problem with this, but has our gov even acknowledged it? This is Utah, folks, what we cannot see- doesn't exist. Yes, the sex trafficking is a big concern, and that $50k could be a huge start to addressing it and putting a stop to it.
FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! in the entire state budget, it is a minimal amount. But think of the things that money COULD do! We have so many problems that need funds. Take $50k out of your own damned pocket to give this non-profit! and leave my tax dollars out of it!
Gov Herbert declared porn is a public health epidemic or something like that... I very much disagree with that. Yes, there are a lot of problems, but an epidemic? It is a choice! ok, a choice that can become an addiction... has Herbert put any money toward solving our drug addiction problems here? Honestly, I have no idea- Im hoping he has but I really have little faith in this man anymore.
Pornography is something that will never go away. I just don't get why our tax dollars have to fight this mans personal battles! do what is best for our state, not your opinion of what is best!
Sorry, that's my rant for tonight. I don't like this man, I don't like the things he stands for. I don't like being told I have no idea what I'm talking about, and I absolutely don't like being told by "someone who knows all" on this subject- that I don't get it...

Best Thanksgiving Ever

Over the years I have had some pretty great holidays and some really crappy ones... which led me to not ever want to celebrate any of them ever again. With November being such a miserable month normally for me, and memories of Thanksgivings gone by~ I especially hated this holiday.
But I knew some day that would have to change. My daughter is married now, I want to create positive memories, new traditions- things for her to smile about and share with her family.
So this year, having my in-laws living with us, my daughter and her new husband, my husband who has put up with years of me not wanting the holidays... I decided to make the best of it. We had little- ok, no money, I had no idea how we would make it happen, but I had to. For the kids- all of them. Thru the kindness and good hearts of others we were able to have plenty of food- all the mandatory Thanksgiving feast dishes! It was amazing. All the family, and the love, the smiles and happiness~ it really was an incredible day for me, and hopefully for everyone who was a part of it.
I had to work part of the day, so I wasn't here to help prepare much of the food... but I did help with some! First time ever prepping a turkey! Dinner was eaten late because of my working, but it was worth the wait! We had pies too!
I just can't explain the happiness, the love... how blessed I truly felt that night. I have a new family, and new tradition for Thanksgiving... for years to come.

Another November 18th

So much has changed over the years... 11 years ago today I walked into a court room and was sentenced to 0-5 years prison time, was handcuffed and led out of the courtroom and taken to the county jail to await transport to the prison a few days later. I lost my family, I lost my children, I lost my material things... I lost, what I thought at the time, was everything.
It has been a long road to get where I am from there. I have some of my family back- my oldest daughter being the most important. I have been in contact with my younger daughter. I had a career, health got in the way but I am again working and enjoying what I do. I have amazing friends who don't care about where I've been or what I've done. I have a wonderful husband, and a good life. I have the things I need- mainly my happiness and strength, freedom and faith in myself. I have also reached out to my parents- over 5 years of no contact between us, I want things to change... I want positive memories of the last years of my parents lives.
I am, for the first time in years, looking forward to Thanksgiving! I will be in the kitchen with family preparing a feast and celebrating the amazing family we have. My daughter is married! I have my son-in-law and all his family here! New traditions and new family! Past years I haven't wanted to even acknowledge Thanksgiving... I didn't really have anything to be thankful for, all I had was memories of a family who was no longer the family I grew up with, I had memories of my first day in prison being Thanksgiving and the horrid meal we were served.
Money is tight, it may not be the perfect meal. But the family and the love will outweigh everything else next week! As for today- I can look back and think I have come a long way! And I have no regrets. I am happy with my path and where I am.

Positivity~Love~Thankful

After only a week and a half of having our new extended family here with us, both adults have started training for new jobs! For sure lifts the stress just a bit. Things are still tough, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel rather than the black unknown I was fearing a few days ago.
Two things made this happen (aside from their desire)... a positive attitude that things would work out and we would eventually be ok. And the love this family has for each other- all of us, we really are one family. 
I am blessed to have this family. I am honored to be helping others. I am grateful to those who have reached out to help us in any way they can.
I am excited about the jobs and the positive outlook. I am even looking forward to the holidays with a family! I realize it is about time I set aside my past issues with the best time of year, and create new traditions and new memories for my daughter and her future family. I haven't been fair to her over the years with ignoring the holidays... I hope she can get past all that and welcome my new attitude and attempt.
We are still hopeful that our GoFundMe account will get more donations, as there are things we are not able to take care of right now. 
https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them
I plan to leave this account up as long as we are still behind on raising funds for this families basic needs and catching up on our basic household expenses.
We have had a few people reach out to help us in ways other than financial that has been a much appreciated blessing.
It is November- a month to remember all the things you are thankful for. Don't be hateful or greedy- be glad you have the things you do, be grateful for your family. And spread the love to everyone!

Help Us Help Them

An update to my last post about putting a roof over someones head who didn't have one... After a couple days of doing math and battling with my pride, we made the decision to create a GoFundMe account to help cover the expenses that are already accumulating. Bottom line is this... we have struggled to support the 2 of us and the one added family member, now we have 8 people and 6 dogs that, for the most part, my husband is entirely supporting for now. I would not change my choice to help this family if I had it to do over again! If I am not able to get donations and support, so be it- we will somehow figure it out.
I am not asking for money for a trip to DisneyLand or even to put my kid thru college... I am asking for contributions to help keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs, to get these kids the things they need to get by in this Utah climate.
So here is the link if anyone is interested in reading our story or helping us out. Thank you, and God bless.

https://www.gofundme.com/qf-help-me-help-them

Open Heart~ Open Home

People often ask me why I do the things I do, I've been taken advantage of, walked on, I don't have a lot for myself- so why do I spread it so thin that I suffer in order to share with others...
Simple, I've been there. I've been turned away by some, and supported by others. And I remember those experiences. I remember the fear of a bad situation, I remember the pain of being ignored and turned away by people who claimed they cared, and I remember the love I felt- and will always remember the people who were there in my hardest times.
My husband and I don't have a lot, we struggle every month to make ends meet. But what we do have is big hearts and a warm home.
When family is in need, you help- no questions, you just do it! No, I didn't learn that from my family... I actually learned it from the failure of my family to be this way... and swore I would never be like them.
Yes, I've had 2 recent not so good experiences with taking people into my home. But they were people from my past, that I should have left in my past!
A couple weeks ago I was told my son-in-laws family was being evicted. Times are tough in the town they are from and they had fallen behind in bills including rent. My SIL was stressed and worried that his teen siblings were going to be on the streets, this also had my daughter upset and stressed. We didn't hesitate... my husband and I discussed it and decided they would come stay with us until they can get on their feet. Things went from bad to worse and we moved up the date by 2 weeks at the drop of a hat, really. My husband, SIL, and a friend of ours who has a truck- left Thursday afternoon to drive a thousand miles, rent a trailer, pack them up, and come back... all in less than 40 hours.
My daughter and her husband moved out last week, so we do have plenty of room for the family... but even if we didn't- we would make room- FAMILY MATTERS! I have a 5 bedroom home- and now a full house. Will things be tight? Yes. Limited privacy? oh yeah! I have 4 teenagers in the house now! One has been here since July, part of the family already, but now we have her mom and dad, her 15 year old sister, and twin 14 year old brothers. And a total of 6 dogs! I can deal with people... the dogs will take some getting used to!
Money is going to be tight, we took this on knowing they have nothing right now, until they get working. We will have to sacrifice things for a while, as will they. But when you care about someone- its what you do. I've always had a soft spot for helping people less fortunate than I- even when I had next to nothing! I care! Is that so hard for people to understand? Seriously, people in todays society are so self centered, don't care about the guy who hasn't had a shower in a month, or the family who can't feed their kids- they care about the new shoes they bought yesterday or that bad ass concert they are going to on Friday. If more people would open their hearts maybe we would have a little more peace in the world.
I feel blessed to be able to bring this family into my home and help them, to help ease the stress of my daughter and her husband, to give these kids a safe and warm home where they can remain a family. I know that by doing good things and helping others, Karma will come back and help me when I need it.
So this is my life for now, we committed to allowing them to stay with us until June- this gives them time to get jobs and save some money, as well as keeping the kids in one school the rest of the year... I can't imagine how hard it is for teens to be ripped from their friends and moved, I would hate for them to have to do that twice in one school year.
I know there is always a chance of things turning bad, but I truly feel this is a different situation- these people just need a break and a helping hand.

So many things run thru your mind when opportunity for life change happens. for 35 years I have battled this disease. Hundreds of tests, medications, suggestions of more "in depth" testing. hope for successful treatment- medications, surgery, diet... it has been a very long road with many bumps, to say the least.
Now I am facing another hill on this rollercoaster. I have been told I am a qualified candidate for the VNS implant- YAY! My insurance has approved the procedure- YAY again! I met with the surgeon and got a date for the procedure- another YAY! It all sounds perfect! Perfect doesn't happen. All the hopes... and let downs, I still struggle to believe this is real.
This device could do so much to improve my quality of life- reduce my seizures and reduce the severity of the ones I do have. This is the high, the hope. But in the back of my head is the what if... what if I am the one in a hundred who this doesn't work for? What if I am the one who has a bad reaction to this foreign device in my body? 
There are always risks and possibilities like this when a person faces surgery, and I have never been one to fear something like this. I do welcome this possibility! Much better option than what my doctor wanted to do! THAT scared me!
I am seriously on an emotional rollercoaster this past couple weeks, getting worse as my surgery date approaches, one minute I am excited about my future, the next I am scared something will prevent this from happening last minute, then I think how blessed I am to get this chance.
I have such an amazing support system in my family and friends. I discussed this with my family before making the decision... all they want is for me to be happy, for me to get relief from this nightmare that we live with. I say we because it is all of us, not just me. My husband worries about me whenever he has to leave me by myself, or when I go somewhere alone. My daughter checks on me regularly to make sure I'm ok. All of them have had to help me to the floor or keep me from hitting my head, talk me thru, sit with me as I come to. Kayla has lived with this her entire life, watching me go thru these seizures. I remember one night when she was not even three years old- I had a very severe seizure. My boyfriend called the paramedics, I was out of it until they were strapping me to the gurney... all I remember is being taken across the front yard to the ambulance and listening to my baby girl yelling for mommy. It was heartbreaking. This is what I think of every time she is there for me now. I don't want her to have to live the rest of her life like that. I need her to know that I will be ok.
So as it stands today, I am two weeks from getting this device, another 2 weeks after that it will be turned on and programmed and I will start to see results! I am excited... and pray for positive - noticable results!
I've been needing some kind of distraction tokeep me from thinking too much about all of this. Tomorrow we are going away for the weekend with friends... much needed and looked forward to escape!

Peace of Mind

I have always been known for my temper and lack of patience in dealing with things. If I get mad, the anger gets the best of me- I act before I have a chance to calm down and think logically.
That started to happen a week and a half ago...
After my 'friend' had gone to Idaho to take care of things with her mothers passing, I learned that her mother was actually an old friend of mine from when AOL chat rooms were our only form of social media. One of my friends had remained close to her and knew all sorts of things that I apparently needed to know! I won't go into detail, but I did learn some things that were disturbing- that told me I had been lied to and misled by someone I cared about and trusted, someone I opened my heart and home to. After getting the info she gave me I did some digging of my own and learned this person living in my home has active felony warrants here in Utah. This, along with the crimes committed and the background I learned... led my husband and I to decide she was no longer welcome in our home. I would pack her things and put them in the shed for her to get when she returned from Idaho.
In the process of packing her things, I walked into a nightmare of moldy dishes, gum in the carpet and on the wall, needles everywhere, trash everywhere... I was blown away! As we packed and cleaned up a little, we found things that upset me more and more, proof that I was being taken advantage of, lied to, and best yet- felonies were being committed out of my home, with my address as the location things are being sent. I was livid! The reality of what was going on didn't truly set in- I just knew I wanted her out of my life. The following morning I sent a text stating that her belongings are in the shed and she is not welcome here... ever, after picking her things up. There were guilt trips and verbal attacks, that just made me smile. Normally I would attack back, anxiety getting the best of me, but I just brushed it off... words can hurt, but I know I'm the better person today and I know the things she was saying were untrue.
Within an hour of that text being sent, a dear friend- whom I have always and will always trust, helped me see the common sense side of all this. I am a felon- felonies are being committed out of my home- I now know of said felonies, therefor making me somewhat an accessory if I don't report it... I called the police.
All evidence of all the criminal activity that had taken place in her room was turned over to the police. And today I took another pile of things to the police station, I am now awaiting a call from the detective.
Saturday while we were at a funeral event, I received a text saying she was on her way from Idaho to get her things, I tried to tell her I wouldn't be there and don't want her there when we are not home... I had been instructed by the police to contact them as soon as she showed up so they could do a warrant service for her outstanding warrants... I didn't have time to argue, and honestly, I didn't care to. I called my daughter and had them put her things in the driveway. Her texts continued to try to egg me on, but I was at peace with how I had handled things. 
Shortly after we arrived home I got a series of texts claiming I had stolen from her and blah blah blah...
whatever.
I don't normally involve police, I don't normally let things slide off my shoulder. But I know in my soul that I did what was right. Not just for me, but for my family, for her victims and possible future victims. And who knows... maybe even for her as well! Chances are she will never face judgment for this, or her other crimes in Utah. She ran, as apparently she always does when the going gets tough, she has a new home- far away from me and my family. And I am perfectly fine with that. I did what was right, I did what I had to, I feel good about all of it. One day karma will catch up to her. 
Meanwhile I have my home back, I have my family, my safety, and my peace of mind.

Things happen for a reason...

Yesterday, following some doctor appointments, my daughter and went to my parents house to drop off a disk of wedding pics so they can choose and print the ones they want and always be able to pic more and have them right there. I have not been to my parents home in over 5 years- have seen them once in 5 years. havent spoken to them in 5 years. There was a bit of anxiety there! But I know I need to fix things at some point between us... they are my parents! No matter how much I dislike the things my mother does and says, bottom line is I love my parents and would hate for them to pass away with us not on good terms- I want them to know I love them. I want my girls to know that even the toughest of relationships can be mended, and I want us to be a family- especially now that I am somewhat in my younger daughters life. It was an awkward visit, but it went well. We were there maybe ten minutes- talked about the photos and how to go about getting prints, small talk about family and the neighbors in the old hood.
A little later in the day I layed down for an hour nap- I still need them once in a while! about 40 minutes later I was awakened by the front door slamming and my roommate screaming for me... but something in her voice told me this was bad. I jumped, I caught up to her as she was heading back out the door... eyes wide, tears in her eyes, and shaking terribly while listening on the phone. She just stared me blankly... she walked to the gate, turned, screamed and threw her phone as she dropped to the ground. I picked up the phone as my daughter helped her up and attempted to lead her to a chair. I introduced myself to whomever was on the other end, and I learned that her mother had passed. As my roommate puts it she was a hot mess! I wrote down all the important info she needed while she tried to pack for an immediate departure to Idaho. She is an only child, everything is in her lap now- from funeral decisions to the house payment and possible sale, insurance and any legal stuff. All she could say yesterday was "I don't want to adult right now!" I get it! I think everyone wants to go back to childhood when they lose a parent.
She was not close to her mother, they were estranged. Pretty much a fluke that she even found out her mother passed, really! She out of the blue decided to call her one relative whom she is somewhat close to- this was just hours after her mother was found. No one knew how to contact my room mate. When she first moved back to Utah- in with us, back the first of June- her original plan was to take a few days to settle then go up to visit her mother and see if they could talk a little. Then it got put off a couple weeks. Then I stopped hearing about her plans to visit... She never made it to see her mother.
After she was on the road to go do her 'adulting' and face this terrible loss, my own personal wheels got turning... what if that was my mom? What if I was the one falling apart on my good friends shoulder and having to drive to her house and to a funeral home... What a reality smack in the face!
I am truly heartbroken for my friend, not that she lost her mother so much, but that she has inside of her that she never got to say goodbye, never made amends, never had the chance to let her mom know that deep down she does love her. I can't imagine not having that kind of closure. I pray that she is able to find peace and some kind of closure with what she is going thru right now.
It told me this is the time! I have to repair the damaged relationship I have with my family! I need to reconnect, I need to tell my parents how much they mean to me- how much I love them.
I love you mom and dad!

July Summarized- focus on August

Completely deleted the entire post I had written last night... I was rambling and had too much in my head! So here is a post with a reason and a topic!
This month has been crazy and hectic, to say the least! A few days before the wedding my son-in-law drove 9 hours to pick up his dad and sister and drove 9 hours back. His sister with plans to move in and stay here in Utah with us- get a job, get into school, and get away from the parents while still having 'parents' in the home, she is 18 and ready to spread her wings! TC (the dad), planned to stay until the kids left for their honeymoon, they would take him home as part of the first day of that trip. That plan changed and he decided to stay thru the 24th festivities... the week prior to the 24th, my son in laws other sister, who was spending her summer in St George, decided she wanted to be here for the holiday with family, see her brothers, etc. So TC and I drove to St. George and got her. I have loved having them here! I enjoy having a houseful, especially when I get along well with the people visiting- which I do! I am happy to have these people as part of my new extended family.
I've also has a somewhat unwelcome house guest, this has been causing me a lot of stress. I know I just need to get it out there- again, that this is not ok, but I am just not wanting confrontation and all that goes with it. I know that my stress will go on until I fix it, it has to be my undoing.
Tomorrow the newlyweds will get on the road to take TC and the youngest sister home, my house will be empty and quiet for the weekend without these 4! Not sure what that will be like at this point, haha! It really was nice having them here and getting to know them. I really do look forward to their family moving here in a few months, I can meet the mom- stepmom, but really sounds to be more of a mom! TC and the girls talk highly of her and I have a feeling we will get along great!
A week since I quit my job and I am feeling better already! Truly was a good decision.
I am ready to get focused on my health again- I ate an avocado/tomato sandwich on multigrain bread today! and put some energy into expanding my Le-Vel business and spreading the word about Thrive. 
August will be a month of calming and focus, planning and organizing... my life, my home, and my future!

Life is About Choices

The title of my page is 'Life With No Regrets.' Well, I'm at a point in life that I am beginning to question a number of things and forcing myself to make choices I'd rather not have to make. Then I remembered~ NO REGRETS. If I put off these decisions, or make the wrong ones- I will end up with regrets.

So after a lot of tears and headaches, a lot of meditating and talking with a couple close friends, more tears, a hell of a lot of thinking... my future, my health, my family... I have made a couple very difficult decisions, and there are still more to make, as there always will be.

First off- as some of you have figured out, my marriage has been not exactly paradise recently and talks of divorce have been had. Altho things are not really back on track, yet, there will not be a divorce. I battled myself- probably more than I should have on this. But in the end I believe by putting off what I thought to be the inevitable- gave me the opportunity to more clearly think of what was ultimately best and what would- in the end- make me have no regrets.

Second- I have talked about how much I love my job and how thrilled I am to be working again. And it's true! But in recent weeks, my physical health has begun to decline again, the pain I used to experience from too much activity- it comes back... every day I work. I don't have the energy I did a few months ago- altho I am still WAY better off than I was 2 years ago! No one I work with enjoys their job, nor do they have any respect for their boss or coworkers, they are always so negative- I honestly do not enjoy going to work most days because I know it won't be fun and positive. I work hard, I put in extra effort, I always help out when a shift needs covered, I do whatever I can to make the job of my coworkers easier... and I get no thank you, I get no mutual respect. I make the same hourly rate as the guy who does nothing but stand behind the counter texting between customers. When I started working, it was intended to be added income to help us out, but because of the shifts I work- we spend more in eating out and pizza than I make! I am frustrated by so much at work, but my health is the most important issue... my mental and emotional well being. I need to take care of me before I end up back where I was- and regret the choice to start working. So choice number 2- I will be leaving my job... soon. How soon has yet to be determined, but I won't be there a month from now. I do hope to just take a couple weeks to get back on track with my health and find a job with a more steady schedule. I have tried discussing a couple of my issues with my boss- she doesn't listen, so this is my choice.

I have other decisions to make, but they are more long term and I need to give some things a little time... I can't jump! Scared about choices made and choices postponed, but what ifs and regrets are so much worse!

It is time for me to get back to putting me at the top of my priority list. I need to get healthy- physically~mentally~emotionally. I have a lot of healing to do right now, the past couple months have worn me down beyond what anyone can imagine. This week has put me beyond my breaking point, I was done, ready to absolutely give up... that is why I had to stop and finalize some things in my head. I refuse to give up- I've come too far to give it all up now. No matter how hard it is to adult and make decisions... it is part of life.

Never give up~ have no regrets~ live and love!

friendship and pain

Do you ever feel you have damaged a friendship that means a lot to you? I'm hurting. I feel my actions- toward a third person, caused permanent damage to not only my relationship with a dear friend, but also the relationship of those two people. I know I can't repair what damage has been done between them- that will hang on me for quite a while. But I hope I am wrong about my relationship- my friendship, I want... no... need to repair it! She is hurting, and I feel responsible. I hurt because of it. Different people handle these kind of things differently- some face it head on, address it right away, and put it behind them. Some just drop it all and move on, leaving it in yesterday. And some take time... time to grieve or heal or think about what should be done next. My only hope is that we can move on and move past this.
My friends mean the world to me, most of you who know me- know that. I put those I care about above myself- I would do anything for their happiness. I value the close friendships I have, and I do all I can not to put those relationships at risk. If you are in my life, it is because I care about you and value you.
If you can avoid causing pain to those you love- avoid it! It isn't fair to either of you.
If the person I am talking about sees this... please know I am truly sorry and I pray that we can restore the friendship we have had for so long. I do love you!

Photos From the Wedding

There are hundreds of photos from the wedding! Here are just a few... I am sure I will add to this post.

My Baby Girl Is Married!

Thurdsay evening, family and friends put differences aside and came together to be a part of the wedding for my Daughter Kayla and her now husband Terence. It was an amazing wedding, everything went perfect!
I have struggled for two days trying to put together words to express my feeling about the wedding, and honestly still can't wrap my brain and heart around the right words. I am happy for them- I think my babygirl found herself the perfect man. I am proud to have him join our family.
I can honestly say I am glad I don't have to do this again! So much stress and worry, emotionally exhausting... but completely worth it all! I have to say we had huge help and support from so many people, discounts and gifted services for many aspects of where our budget would have been wiped out. I am so very grateful for that!
Everything went off without a problem, only started a little late~ which really is expected! The groomsmen looked wonderful, the brides line- beautiful. And our venue could not have been any more perfect!
I remember when Kayla was just a baby- this day never even crossed my mind. As she got older, I still didn't really see it. She was my little tomboy who played t-ball and loved to ride her bike and go on hikes. Then high school~ I started to realize my girl is growing up and eventually this day will come... and here we are.

As I mentioned it was an emotionally overwhelming day for me... not only was I realizing my little girl was no longer little- she's a young lady beginning her own life... but I had this. This photo sums up everything. My youngest daughter whom I gave up for adoption 11 years ago- this was the third time I have seen her... all in the past couple months. It is so amazing to see her and talk to her, to kind of have her in my life. I know any kind of actual relationship or friendship with her is a long ways off, but for this day... we were family. Also my parents... I have had no contact with them in over 5 years. Seeing them broke me. Hugging my dad after all this time was the best feeling ever. I know the relationship with my folks is strained, and I have repeatedly said that I don't care to rebuild it... but I miss them- both. And would love the chance to see if some kind of bridge can be built. I know it would mean the world to both of these girls if I could have a relationship with my parents- and that is enough reason for me to give it a try. This photo will forever be cherished... it is the only picture of my world, of the people who I really love and would die for- all together.
48 hours after the wedding I am still recuperating. I had 2 small seizures at the wedding, but did not allow my daughter to find out- her day, my health was not about to interfere! I did leave the reception sooner than I wanted, but I was home to see the limo pull up! I left the next morning for a 3-day ME time getaway, it has been quite relaxing, but I still feel drained.Tomorrow I go home and back to work Monday morning.
My little miss is now a Mrs. and I'm sure in no time will be a mommy.
I will do a post of wedding photos soon!

So much has happened, so many things I wanted to blog about since I last did... but I have been in a funk! Depression really sucks! And when there are legit reasons for the depression- it's even worse! Yes, I suffer with depression, have for years, but this is real- true emotional pain.
I don't like letting people see that side of me, I think I do really well at showing the positive side and hiding the dark. But somehow some of that seeped thru and I have let people see that I am not ok lately. I'm still pretending that all is well, I'm still smiling... I do have things to be smiling about! Like my daughters upcoming wedding!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July, Independence Day... I don't like fireworks, I could live without this day. it gives me even more to think about.
A lot of changes are going on in my life and my entire world... some things I am happy and excited for, some I'm not sure how to feel, and some that honestly have me devastated and terrified. I know I over think things, and thats part of why it is all getting to me so much! I am not only thinking of the immediate changes- but the whole ripple effect thing. When this happens- what happens to that? I have completely overwhelmed myself with the overthinking!
Some of these changes are big changes, some are small, but they are all change! When I was younger I got excited over any change! I welcomed the challenge! But now that I am older, I hate to admit that I have become more cautious and not so much liking the idea of change... but it has to happen. Life is all about change- good and bad, we don't grow without change... we can't be happy without some change. And ultimately that is my goal... happiness.
MY happiness. If others don't like or approve of the steps I take to find my happiness, too bad for them, I hate to lose friends, but I also refuse to let others sway my choices. If they are real friends, they will support me and care about me no matter what. Yes, I have sadly become a bit cold hearted and defensive. But that is the only way I can deal with some people... I won't try to convince them what I am doing is right, everyone has a right to their opinions- but I just need them to understand that it is what I need to do for me at this point in time. Maybe I will realize it was a bad choice, or maybe I will show them what an incredible choice it was! Either way- it is my choice and I refuse to look back and say 'what if?' I refuse to regret not doing something when I felt it was right.

My daughter will be a married woman by this time Thursday. I am thrilled, scared, sad and happy all in one ball of emotional mom! My focus right now is on her and her day and not allowing anything to get in the way of it being perfect for her. The following day I will be running off for 3 days of me time- I am sure I will find some time to blog and put some of all this mess in my head into words!
Love and light to everyone who takes the time to read my disaster of a mind!

Alone

A lot has gone on in my world since I last posted, but I have been too overwhelmed, tired, and busy to have time to share my feelings. But today I have to talk about something.
I have a friend I've known for over 30 years, he and my husband have known each other since the first day of kindergarten. He is one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever known- he doesn't have a mean bone in his body, and I think I have seen him mad once. And he has had some struggles in life the past few years. Most recently, learning of a condition that was going to require major surgery.
Last night he called me, 12 hours prior to surgery. Terrified he wouldn't ever talk to me again, believing he would go into the operating room but never come out. It was a heartbreaking talk. He told me his mom would be at the hospital with him, so I said I'd be up after surgery and told him to have his mom call me.
I woke up early today, with a strange energy drawing me in the direction of the hospital- I kept looking to the sky near the hospital... I'm up, I'm worried and scared, why am I even thinking about sitting at home? I arrived at the hospital about 30 minutes after they took him into surgery... his mother was not there. They offered to allow me to sign in as family and get the OR updates, which I did. Surgery lasted 3 hours... his mother never showed up. The surgeon came and talked to me, explained what was done and how he was doing. I was told he would be in a room in CVICU and I could return to see him in about 2 hours, the time they expected he would start waking up.
I came back at 1:30, found my way to his room, spoke to his nurse for a minute then grabbed his hand and started talking to him. His eyes opened a bit, he squeezed my hand, and a tear rolled down his face. His mother was not there.
Due to the anesthesia, the breathing mask, the pain... it was tough to talk much with him. But I stayed at his side, rubbing his arm and holding his hand talking to him and talking to the nurse.
About 2 o'clock a woman walked in the room, asked if I was the nurse! I introduced myself and informed her I was a friend and I had been there all day, thru surgery, that I had spoken with the surgeon and been filled in by the nurse on his current status. I was LIVID. She said it was so nice that a friend would come see him, and she went to sit in the corner, opened her tablet and started reading! Didn't even go to her sons face! I told him his mom was there.
How can she be like that? Her son cried to me in fear last night! If I had known she wasn't going to be there first thing, I would have been at the hospital holding his hand as they put him under! If my kid was having surgery- minor or life threatening- I would be there! And I would be the first voice and the first touch my child had when waking up.
I just don't understand. I was just so heartbroken, and angry. Is this how a parent shows her love? I would expect this from my mother- but we don't even speak to each other. Paul seems to be close to his mom!
All that goes thru my head all day today... he arrived to the hospital- alone. He signed in- alone. He had a pre-op consult- alone. He was put under anesthesia and rolled into an operating room- with no one there. He believed, as all this was happening, that he would never make it out alive, he would never talk to his loved ones again... and he was alone.
People, our friends and family is all we have! Cherish every moment, support them when they need you, be there when they are alone. Don't let your loved ones go thru the biggest trials of their lives... alone.
An after note, Paul made it thru surgery, things went better than expected. He will be in CVICU for a few days depending on his recovery. Hours after surgery he was smiling, had a steady blood pressure and all that, had strength in his hands and feet... he smiled and talked. I will be returning tomorrow, and every day that I am able, until he is better! 

8 to 48

So many mind blowing, heart warming, spirit awakening moments and realizations in the past couple days!
40 years ago~ I was 8. I honestly don't remember exactly what I was doing in April at 8 years old. If it was a school night, I was sitting home watching television with my family until my 9 pm bed time. Life was simple, my world was my friends, my dog, and my family. I worried about if I would be late to school or get in an accident on my bike.
30 years ago~ I was 18. I worked full time, saving money because I was about to get married! I quit school and did night school, worked during the day at McDonald's while my soon to be was finishing high school. Life was great! Had my friends, couldn't wait to get away from my mother, had my future set! Me and my high school sweety were going to live happily ever after and drive off into the sunset!
20 years ago~ I was 28. I had a 4 year old daughter, I was separated from my third husband and I was living with an incredible woman- my daughters grandmother. I worked for my dad! I loved my life and my job, and had finally found my calling... I was going to be an accountant! I started thinking about college. working and spending every day with my hero and mentor- my dad.
10 years ago~ I was 38... I remember this week so well. I sat in a prison cell not wanting to do anything, not being social, not wanting to go to either of my 2 jobs I held. I was angry and cold, I had lost so much of who I thought I was, who I tried to be... wow, was I an ugly person! I was looking at back at who I was and what I was that landed me there, and the things I had been thru since ending up in prison. I was truly at the end of any desire to continue my existence... I was scared.
Today~ I am 48 years old! I work a part time job at 7-11, I am married to a guy who I honestly have no idea how he puts up with me sometimes, I have my incredible daughter and her fiance and her best friend living with us to make my life and my family complete. I am thankful for the little things in life and have learned to not sweat the small stuff. 
I have been thru some serious life altering experiences and I am grateful for each and every one of those- good, bad, happy, sad, they all made me the person I am today. I have grown, I have learned- sometimes thru trial and error. I have found purpose and joy and most importantly love and peace.I have been given second chances by many, and I have built some incredible relationships that I value and cherish. 
I look back over all my years, my decades... so much happened in the between years that led me to those places each decade. So what next?
10 years from now~ I will be 58... I see myself as a grandmother, still happily married to Troy. Probably not working any longer. But I will happy, I will be at peace with who I am and the things I have done. I will be planning the 20th annual Brandon's Ride!

Christian or Witch

I think I made a post about this a while back, but it is again eating at me and making me think...
My religious, or spiritual, background... in my teens I started following the pagan/wiccan path. I studied religious groups, I read the bible and other books, back then it seemed to be a bunch of crap honestly! In my late 20s I started questioning things... maybe, just maybe, some of the things that christianity claims- could be true! Or maybe there is scientific explanation for a lot of the 'miracles' the bible talks about. I had a man in my life who gave me totally new perspective on some of that- he was by no means christian, but his beliefs helped me to see an entire new side of it all.
Mid 30s, I was introduced to Jesus... in a way I had never experienced. I made a complete transformation over night... I was a believer! Then after a couple years I decided maybe I was wrong. I battled with that internally... I believed the things I had been feeling and learning, but I was at the same time being drawn back to my pagan beliefs. I chose my familiar happy place~ returning to my 'old ways' of practicing rituals and worshiping the earth.
Over the past year or so, things have been leading me back to Jesus and the god most associate that word with. There have been signs, feelings, unexplainables. 
So I realize this. Why can't I be both? I love nature and the earth, I believe in herbs and natural healing, there are a number of things that, as a pagan, can still carry over into a christian life! 
I have heard the term Christian Witch hundreds of times! But when I read about it, it is nothing like what I would consider myself... but that is the closest term to what I feel I am, or want to be.
The other day as I was reorganizing my house and putting things back where they once were, I started moving a shelf unit from my bedroom to my office. This shelf has held my altar for years... As I moved the shelf, dusting everything as I prepared to place each piece exactly where it needs to be... I found myself struggling to do any of it. There was a force stopping me! crazy, right? I ended up putting most of those things in a box- my craft box, as I call it. I even threw away a couple items. All that remains of what was once my altar, is a couple items that I just needed to keep in place, but it is no longer an altar. I looked at it when I was done putting the whole shelf together... expecting some type of emptiness, but there wasn't. I was- and am- completely at peace with the decision I made, the change that is taking place. That day I picked up my bible and dusted it off... yes, it was quite dusty! and I opened it, as I always have in the past I open it randomly and begin to read... and as it always has before- it spoke to me exactly what I needed that day to justify, in a way, what I was doing.
I still have doubts, I still question things- because that's what I do! But I know there is more, I believe there is a reason. I will never give up the gifts I have, I will never stop believing and practicing ancient ways, but my heart has moved on, my soul feel happy and my world is feeling more complete than ever as I grow and accept thing.
I DO believe in Christ and I am happy with this... choice, realization, whatever it may be considered at this point.
God Bless~

New Normal~

Life is getting back to normal, things have been unsettled, to say the least! But I am back to work- on my terms, I have my family and home back after the roommate ordeal finally ended. I am feeling better emotionally, mentally, and physically! The tension in the house is gone and I am loving working!

Ride organizing~ for those of you who don't know, I organize an annual motorcycle event in memory of Brandon Thomas, who was killed in Iraq in 2005. We raise money for 2 different veteran non-profit organizations. So I have been busily putting that together for this year, less than a month away and I feel I am so far behind schedule on all of it!

Wedding planning~ altho it is my daughter getting married, and doing most of the planning with her fiance, I still have some sense of responsibility and the 'need to know' factor. The wedding is about 80 days away... and coming at us fast!

My work schedule, altho very limited hours, seems to get in the way of time frames I need to get things dome on both of these! I won't give up the job, tho!

Reorganizing my house as well! Now that I have one less person in the house, I can move my office out of the kitchen and back where it belongs! A couple days of office decorating, and kitchen reorganizing- peace!

A couple things really on my mind today... I was having a fantastic morning, listening to music and cleaning. I glanced up at my curio cabinet, I have a photo of my Michelle on top. I fell apart. I miss her so much! I miss calling her to vent when I am upset, I miss her sending me stupid text messages just to make me smile when she knew I was having a bad day. I miss the times of blasting music and acting like no one was watching! I miss sitting on the deck drinking coffee and laughing at random crap. I watch her daughter on social media- an amazing young woman doing her best to continue her life, expecting a baby and doing the things young married people do. It hurts my heart to see her doing all this without her mom there to help her along. I am living my life, as is her daughter, not dwelling in the past, living in grief, but I do have those days that are just so hard.

Enough of the sad, onto my other thoughts...

I came home from work the other day and my ankles were sore- I had been on my feet for 6 hours- understandable. But when I sat down I didn't complain about it~ I smiled and thanked God for those aches! Sounds nuts, right? 15 months ago I was on a cane, I couldn't stand for 30 minutes, the aches were a constant- the severity changed. I didn't have the energy to be active for an hour, I was afraid to be away from my house... and on this day I was on my feet and very active for 6 hours! Away from home- without family. No cane, no pain pills, no tears. Those achy ankles were a blessing! And every bit of ache or tired that I experience due to this job- I am grateful for!

Yes, I am still thrilled with what life changing effects my Thrive has done for me, and I continue to love things I realize it is doing. New products, some I try- some I don't, but I feel I should at least give them a try once! The latest product they have is a collagen protien- I have big hopes for what it can do to help change my skin and nails. I have skin of a person 15 years older than me, I would like to look as young as I feel! 

So I guess my new normal is a life with my home and family stress free and everything in its right place (mostly... I'm far from OCD!), a life without my best friend- altho I believe she is here checking in and making noise! And a life with the kind of aches everyone gets from living a normal day to day life!