So many things run thru your mind when opportunity for life change happens. for 35 years I have battled this disease. Hundreds of tests, medications, suggestions of more "in depth" testing. hope for successful treatment- medications, surgery, diet... it has been a very long road with many bumps, to say the least.
Now I am facing another hill on this rollercoaster. I have been told I am a qualified candidate for the VNS implant- YAY! My insurance has approved the procedure- YAY again! I met with the surgeon and got a date for the procedure- another YAY! It all sounds perfect! Perfect doesn't happen. All the hopes... and let downs, I still struggle to believe this is real.
This device could do so much to improve my quality of life- reduce my seizures and reduce the severity of the ones I do have. This is the high, the hope. But in the back of my head is the what if... what if I am the one in a hundred who this doesn't work for? What if I am the one who has a bad reaction to this foreign device in my body? 
There are always risks and possibilities like this when a person faces surgery, and I have never been one to fear something like this. I do welcome this possibility! Much better option than what my doctor wanted to do! THAT scared me!
I am seriously on an emotional rollercoaster this past couple weeks, getting worse as my surgery date approaches, one minute I am excited about my future, the next I am scared something will prevent this from happening last minute, then I think how blessed I am to get this chance.
I have such an amazing support system in my family and friends. I discussed this with my family before making the decision... all they want is for me to be happy, for me to get relief from this nightmare that we live with. I say we because it is all of us, not just me. My husband worries about me whenever he has to leave me by myself, or when I go somewhere alone. My daughter checks on me regularly to make sure I'm ok. All of them have had to help me to the floor or keep me from hitting my head, talk me thru, sit with me as I come to. Kayla has lived with this her entire life, watching me go thru these seizures. I remember one night when she was not even three years old- I had a very severe seizure. My boyfriend called the paramedics, I was out of it until they were strapping me to the gurney... all I remember is being taken across the front yard to the ambulance and listening to my baby girl yelling for mommy. It was heartbreaking. This is what I think of every time she is there for me now. I don't want her to have to live the rest of her life like that. I need her to know that I will be ok.
So as it stands today, I am two weeks from getting this device, another 2 weeks after that it will be turned on and programmed and I will start to see results! I am excited... and pray for positive - noticable results!
I've been needing some kind of distraction tokeep me from thinking too much about all of this. Tomorrow we are going away for the weekend with friends... much needed and looked forward to escape!