So much has happened, so many things I wanted to blog about since I last did... but I have been in a funk! Depression really sucks! And when there are legit reasons for the depression- it's even worse! Yes, I suffer with depression, have for years, but this is real- true emotional pain.
I don't like letting people see that side of me, I think I do really well at showing the positive side and hiding the dark. But somehow some of that seeped thru and I have let people see that I am not ok lately. I'm still pretending that all is well, I'm still smiling... I do have things to be smiling about! Like my daughters upcoming wedding!
Tomorrow is the 4th of July, Independence Day... I don't like fireworks, I could live without this day. it gives me even more to think about.
A lot of changes are going on in my life and my entire world... some things I am happy and excited for, some I'm not sure how to feel, and some that honestly have me devastated and terrified. I know I over think things, and thats part of why it is all getting to me so much! I am not only thinking of the immediate changes- but the whole ripple effect thing. When this happens- what happens to that? I have completely overwhelmed myself with the overthinking!
Some of these changes are big changes, some are small, but they are all change! When I was younger I got excited over any change! I welcomed the challenge! But now that I am older, I hate to admit that I have become more cautious and not so much liking the idea of change... but it has to happen. Life is all about change- good and bad, we don't grow without change... we can't be happy without some change. And ultimately that is my goal... happiness.
MY happiness. If others don't like or approve of the steps I take to find my happiness, too bad for them, I hate to lose friends, but I also refuse to let others sway my choices. If they are real friends, they will support me and care about me no matter what. Yes, I have sadly become a bit cold hearted and defensive. But that is the only way I can deal with some people... I won't try to convince them what I am doing is right, everyone has a right to their opinions- but I just need them to understand that it is what I need to do for me at this point in time. Maybe I will realize it was a bad choice, or maybe I will show them what an incredible choice it was! Either way- it is my choice and I refuse to look back and say 'what if?' I refuse to regret not doing something when I felt it was right.

My daughter will be a married woman by this time Thursday. I am thrilled, scared, sad and happy all in one ball of emotional mom! My focus right now is on her and her day and not allowing anything to get in the way of it being perfect for her. The following day I will be running off for 3 days of me time- I am sure I will find some time to blog and put some of all this mess in my head into words!
Love and light to everyone who takes the time to read my disaster of a mind!