Wow, What a year! It started out with me at one of my very lowest points... My health, my physical abilities, my mental and emotional state- all lower than I ever remember. I weighed more than I have in 8 years, I was using a cane to get around... some days I couldn't even get out of bed. I didn't leave home alone, I never slept, My epilepsy was at a high, having multiple seizures daily. I was beyond depressed. I wasn't a part of my family anymore- I never wanted to do things, go places... between the pain and the anxiety and the chronic fatigue, I just curled up in a ball and was living life as a hermit. My COPD had gotten very bad, the aches and pains believed to be fibro, altho not diagnosed, all of these issues led me to believe this was what my life would forever be. I was beyond depressed, I had suicidal thoughts daily! My family deserved so much more- they shouldn't have to care for me!
Then I learned about Thrive. Actually, I didn't even really learn much about it at all. I saw a friend using it and feeling amazing and positive after losing her husband. I picked up the phone and asked her about it. I talked to Troy, it wasn't a very cheap product considering my fixed income. But I was desperate for some kind of help and was willing to give it a try. I had to give it a try... I was ready to kill myself! I needed hope, I needed to believe I could get better... even if it only helped a little, that would be better than nothing. We agreed it was worth giving it a try for a month to see how and if it could help me.
Over the past ten months my life has done a complete flip! I cannot explain how much has changed and improved since I started taking the Thrive products! I feel young again, I feel like the ME I was a few years ago! My family has me back, I have me back.
Over the year I slowly started feeling better, gaining confidence in myself again. Yes, I still have some problems but everyday gets a little bit better. I work out, I sleep, I'm losing weight, I can breathe better and don't hurt nearly as much as I used to. I go out more, even go for walks alone. I've stopped all the supplements my doctor had me on- and my blood work last month came back as close to normal as it ever has! way better than when I was on those things. I haven't been sick, I don't take pills that didn't really help me in the first place.
Going into 2016 I am looking forward to a new me, a more positive me than ever! I already have a job prospect that should be falling into place right away. My daughter is getting married this year! So much to look forward to! A better life, a better family situation, a better marriage. Improved health and improved financial well being and improved relationships.
2015 was amazing, 2016 will be the follow up... completing the beginnings of this past year.
Love light and happiness to all for the coming year. If 2015 was not the best of years for you, don't give up hope. You never know what lies ahead.
My Love
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Dysfunction or Detached
This may come across as a rather twisted post, but I never claimed to be normal- nor have I ever said I have normal thoughts!
Recently I have been thinking of my mother. Not like the relationship, or lack there of, but things like when she dies, or if I die before she does (very possible, she is a vry healthy lady).
I wonder if my dad would even call me if she passed, or if she became very ill. I recently learned she had major surgery, so I don't expect I would be contacted if she became ill- like death bed type ill. And if I were, would I be expected to react? To visit? I hope not. Because I truly would not want to visit, not for myself, and certainly not at her request. Possibly, if my dad requested me to be there for him, I would consider it... but that's still a long shot. I mean... I have nothing to say to her, I feel no emotions toward her anymore, she means nothing to me. Sad, huh? I don't hate her, I am past the anger and the hurt and all the other feelings I felt, I just have no feelings. I know, I sound cold and uncaring, how can anyone think that way about their mother? The woman who gave birth to you and raised you? well, I don't apologize for how I feel- or don't feel, most of my life up until recently was hell because of this woman, I do not need to justify to anyone how I became this way. I am a very loving and caring person.
So what about her death? Would my dad call me? Would he call my daughter instead? or would he have my sister contact me? I'm sure she could track me down on Facebook or dig out my email address. Her husband is the executor of my parents estate, so obviously she would get the first phone call. I don't believe I will attend my mothers funeral. I honestly don't believe she would want me there, so maybe one last effort to show her respect- I would stay away. Again, if my father asked me to be there for him, I would have to bounce that thought around in my head, but when it comes down to it- no. I will be there emotionally for my dad, I will be a phone call away for my dad, I will spend any amount of time with my dad- if he wants me around, but not the funeral.
Most people don't understand how I can have such lack of respect, but I truly have no respect for the woman who raised me. I no longer care what happens in her world, in her mind. I don't care what she thinks of me or even what she tells people about me. She means nothing to me.
My dad, on the other hand, this is a very difficult situation. He is my dad! I looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor, my world... for a very long time! Then I learned that I was a disappointment to him. Ouch, that was crushing. But I still love him. I'm terrified that if HE is on his death bed, I wouldn't get a call. I do however, believe that if he passed, I would get a call telling me so. Doubtful I would be given funeral information, just a courtesy call. I truly believe the woman hates me, she has always made me feel as if she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and did things to keep me from him. Sad, right?
The entire situation is sad. I have a mother who has made no attempt to contact me in almost 5 years, a dad who just goes with the flow of what she does- for all I know he has been told horrific stories of why he hasn't seen me for 5 years! and a half sister who, well, who knows! She is far from Utah, she has a telephone relationship with our dad and her step mother.
I guess the older my parents get, the more these things cross my mind. I may never have another chance to see my dad or to tell him that I love him. In part, that was my decision. I chose to remove myself from his life in exchange for the peace of removing his wife from my life.
I have no idea if I will ever see either of them again, no idea if I will even know when they pass away. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, that pain of missing my dad still hits me once in a while, but then I remind myself of what a disappointment I was, and the fact that if he really wanted me in his life- he knows how to use a phone, too!
If any of my family happens to read this, please let it be known that I am hopeful they changed their will. I will not accept a dime, it will be given to charity or passed to my girls. People seem to think all I want from them or ever have, is their money. No, I never did, and no matter how bad off things might be- I don't want their money now. All I ever wanted was love and acceptance... Which I will never have from them.
Recently I have been thinking of my mother. Not like the relationship, or lack there of, but things like when she dies, or if I die before she does (very possible, she is a vry healthy lady).
I wonder if my dad would even call me if she passed, or if she became very ill. I recently learned she had major surgery, so I don't expect I would be contacted if she became ill- like death bed type ill. And if I were, would I be expected to react? To visit? I hope not. Because I truly would not want to visit, not for myself, and certainly not at her request. Possibly, if my dad requested me to be there for him, I would consider it... but that's still a long shot. I mean... I have nothing to say to her, I feel no emotions toward her anymore, she means nothing to me. Sad, huh? I don't hate her, I am past the anger and the hurt and all the other feelings I felt, I just have no feelings. I know, I sound cold and uncaring, how can anyone think that way about their mother? The woman who gave birth to you and raised you? well, I don't apologize for how I feel- or don't feel, most of my life up until recently was hell because of this woman, I do not need to justify to anyone how I became this way. I am a very loving and caring person.
So what about her death? Would my dad call me? Would he call my daughter instead? or would he have my sister contact me? I'm sure she could track me down on Facebook or dig out my email address. Her husband is the executor of my parents estate, so obviously she would get the first phone call. I don't believe I will attend my mothers funeral. I honestly don't believe she would want me there, so maybe one last effort to show her respect- I would stay away. Again, if my father asked me to be there for him, I would have to bounce that thought around in my head, but when it comes down to it- no. I will be there emotionally for my dad, I will be a phone call away for my dad, I will spend any amount of time with my dad- if he wants me around, but not the funeral.
Most people don't understand how I can have such lack of respect, but I truly have no respect for the woman who raised me. I no longer care what happens in her world, in her mind. I don't care what she thinks of me or even what she tells people about me. She means nothing to me.
My dad, on the other hand, this is a very difficult situation. He is my dad! I looked up to him, he was my hero, my mentor, my world... for a very long time! Then I learned that I was a disappointment to him. Ouch, that was crushing. But I still love him. I'm terrified that if HE is on his death bed, I wouldn't get a call. I do however, believe that if he passed, I would get a call telling me so. Doubtful I would be given funeral information, just a courtesy call. I truly believe the woman hates me, she has always made me feel as if she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad and did things to keep me from him. Sad, right?
The entire situation is sad. I have a mother who has made no attempt to contact me in almost 5 years, a dad who just goes with the flow of what she does- for all I know he has been told horrific stories of why he hasn't seen me for 5 years! and a half sister who, well, who knows! She is far from Utah, she has a telephone relationship with our dad and her step mother.
I guess the older my parents get, the more these things cross my mind. I may never have another chance to see my dad or to tell him that I love him. In part, that was my decision. I chose to remove myself from his life in exchange for the peace of removing his wife from my life.
I have no idea if I will ever see either of them again, no idea if I will even know when they pass away. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, that pain of missing my dad still hits me once in a while, but then I remind myself of what a disappointment I was, and the fact that if he really wanted me in his life- he knows how to use a phone, too!
If any of my family happens to read this, please let it be known that I am hopeful they changed their will. I will not accept a dime, it will be given to charity or passed to my girls. People seem to think all I want from them or ever have, is their money. No, I never did, and no matter how bad off things might be- I don't want their money now. All I ever wanted was love and acceptance... Which I will never have from them.
Monday, December 28, 2015
HouseSitting
A few years ago, I met a family who was going thru the hardest time ever. They had just lost their son in Afghanistan. Troy and I had recently joined the PGR, and this was to be the first of too many KIA missions we have done.
I saw things this family was going thru and it just tore my heart out. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like. There was a mom, a dad, a sister and nephew, a brother, sister in law, and their children... and a wife.
After Matt was laid to rest and the family began to adjust to what these families call the new normal, we had the chance to spend time and get to know them. And over the past 5 years they have become family. I absolutely love and respect this family! We ride together, we celebrate together, we share our lives... and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
A couple years ago they called and asked me to come stay at their home with their dogs while they took a trip. Me? I was touched they would ask, and honored to be trusted like that. Since then I have stayed maybe a dozen times at their home, about an hour from my own home... sometimes for 2 nights, sometimes for a week.
As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee, with a cute little schnauzer curled up next to me... I just realize how blessed I am to have these opportunities. When I started doing this the family had 3 dogs, sadly two have passed. I feel bad leaving my family and dogs, but I know they can take care of themselves for a few days. Meanwhile, I am getting some much needed ME time, I can relax and do nothing, I can think without being interrupted, and I can be a little bit spoiled... a jetted bath, amazing coffees and teas, and really any sweets and treats I could possibly want! A super comfy bed and a quiet neighborhood.
I love these people, they are family and always will be. There is trust, respect, honesty... and love.
I will be here for 6 more days this time. My husband is miserable already, my dogs are probably confused- but they have the rest of the family. And the couple I am house and dog sitting for? They are off making memories with their oldest grandchild! Every opportunity to do that, has to be taken! And every chance I have to help them make that possible- I will.
In the beginning I was really uncomfortable coming here. No one has ever trusted me like this, no one has ever wanted me to stay in their home for an extended period- let alone ask me what they should fill the fridge with before they leave! It was difficult to settle in and make myself feel at home. But as time passed, I felt better about being here and believed in myself a little more... and now it really is my home away from home.
I saw things this family was going thru and it just tore my heart out. I truly cannot imagine what it must feel like. There was a mom, a dad, a sister and nephew, a brother, sister in law, and their children... and a wife.
After Matt was laid to rest and the family began to adjust to what these families call the new normal, we had the chance to spend time and get to know them. And over the past 5 years they have become family. I absolutely love and respect this family! We ride together, we celebrate together, we share our lives... and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
A couple years ago they called and asked me to come stay at their home with their dogs while they took a trip. Me? I was touched they would ask, and honored to be trusted like that. Since then I have stayed maybe a dozen times at their home, about an hour from my own home... sometimes for 2 nights, sometimes for a week.
As I sit here enjoying a cup of coffee, with a cute little schnauzer curled up next to me... I just realize how blessed I am to have these opportunities. When I started doing this the family had 3 dogs, sadly two have passed. I feel bad leaving my family and dogs, but I know they can take care of themselves for a few days. Meanwhile, I am getting some much needed ME time, I can relax and do nothing, I can think without being interrupted, and I can be a little bit spoiled... a jetted bath, amazing coffees and teas, and really any sweets and treats I could possibly want! A super comfy bed and a quiet neighborhood.
I love these people, they are family and always will be. There is trust, respect, honesty... and love.
I will be here for 6 more days this time. My husband is miserable already, my dogs are probably confused- but they have the rest of the family. And the couple I am house and dog sitting for? They are off making memories with their oldest grandchild! Every opportunity to do that, has to be taken! And every chance I have to help them make that possible- I will.
In the beginning I was really uncomfortable coming here. No one has ever trusted me like this, no one has ever wanted me to stay in their home for an extended period- let alone ask me what they should fill the fridge with before they leave! It was difficult to settle in and make myself feel at home. But as time passed, I felt better about being here and believed in myself a little more... and now it really is my home away from home.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
random thoughts
Still bothered by the rough holiday, I fell apart last night when my daughter shared a post on her FB that said "I wish Santa was real, so the parents who can't afford Christmas could see their kids smile on Christmas morning." That killed me. I am trying so hard to just put this miserable holiday behind me and have a positive outlook on next year, and set goals and get things in motion to ensure next year is not a repeat of this year. Need to stop dwelling!
So here I sit, at my home away from home, for an entire week still! I have some amazing friends, who I truly think of as family, they invite me to stay and watch the house and keep the dog company when they travel. I do pretty much nothing but relax! I get a break my life and get to just escape and have some ME time. I miss my family and my dogs when I come down here, but they can survive without me.
Right now is a really good time for me to be away and have this time to myself. I have a lot of thinking to do, planning, goals and changes to make... to myself and my life- and ultimately my future and my family's future.
I woke up today and the temperature outside was 5... real feel was -4! so needless to say, this is an indoor mini vacation! When they go away in the summer, I like to sit outside, but this trip I'm curled up with a blanket and a dog on the fabulous sofa!
So as for my goals, I have to look at where i've been and where I want to be, I have to look at where my family is and how I want their future to turn out. Everything I do with my life- affects my entire family one way or another... my husband, my girls, my son in law and grand baby... and future grandbabies.
This past year was a huge step in reaching my goals- but in many ways I was pushed backward. Having my health improve like it has, is the biggest thing that could possibly happen for our future. I am so blessed that Thrive came into my life when it did, or I would not even be thinking about a future! My future as I saw it a year ago, was aging 10 years in the following year and not being able to do anything for myself or with my family. Thrive changed that... it took ten years off! And I am more active thatn I have been in a long time!
This upcoming year will for sure be one of many changes for me. I have the motivation and the desire to have a different life!
So here I sit, at my home away from home, for an entire week still! I have some amazing friends, who I truly think of as family, they invite me to stay and watch the house and keep the dog company when they travel. I do pretty much nothing but relax! I get a break my life and get to just escape and have some ME time. I miss my family and my dogs when I come down here, but they can survive without me.
Right now is a really good time for me to be away and have this time to myself. I have a lot of thinking to do, planning, goals and changes to make... to myself and my life- and ultimately my future and my family's future.
I woke up today and the temperature outside was 5... real feel was -4! so needless to say, this is an indoor mini vacation! When they go away in the summer, I like to sit outside, but this trip I'm curled up with a blanket and a dog on the fabulous sofa!
So as for my goals, I have to look at where i've been and where I want to be, I have to look at where my family is and how I want their future to turn out. Everything I do with my life- affects my entire family one way or another... my husband, my girls, my son in law and grand baby... and future grandbabies.
This past year was a huge step in reaching my goals- but in many ways I was pushed backward. Having my health improve like it has, is the biggest thing that could possibly happen for our future. I am so blessed that Thrive came into my life when it did, or I would not even be thinking about a future! My future as I saw it a year ago, was aging 10 years in the following year and not being able to do anything for myself or with my family. Thrive changed that... it took ten years off! And I am more active thatn I have been in a long time!
This upcoming year will for sure be one of many changes for me. I have the motivation and the desire to have a different life!
Friday, December 25, 2015
one more missed holiday
I lied... I thought I would do ok this Christmas. I was wrong. But my struggle this year was totally different than previous years.
For years I have had anger and hurt and every negative emotion about the holidays. As I mentioned previously- I have found peace with all that, which, by the way, feels amazing! I wasn't mad at anyone, I didn't have hurt feelings or memories that made me sad... all that is gone! It's an incredible feeling to be FREE of all that!
Last night I started feeling a little down, and today I fell apart a couple times. This was the first year that I actually WANTED to do Christmas... I looked forward to it for months- even bought ornaments last year! I was going to have a tree and decorate and wrap presents- I even wanted to cook a holiday dinner.
Then the closer it got, the more reality set in. That wasn't going to happen this year. None of it. I feel like I let my daughter down. I know, she doesn't expect these things from me, but she usually at least gets a gift... not this year.
No tree or decorations, no gift wrap- or even gifts, and no fancy family dinner. I probably shouldn't complain, this is what I have chosen for years. And at least I have what is important- my family, a home, a hot meal.
But I wanted it so badly. I wanted my family to have a Christmas they deserve. I have a son in law, and another daughter and grand daughter... I want my family to celebrate and make memories, create traditions, have family photos, and share our love.
If any of my family reads this, I am sorry, I failed. But I will fix it the best I can- hopefully with help from my husband, and we will have Christmas next year.
For years I have had anger and hurt and every negative emotion about the holidays. As I mentioned previously- I have found peace with all that, which, by the way, feels amazing! I wasn't mad at anyone, I didn't have hurt feelings or memories that made me sad... all that is gone! It's an incredible feeling to be FREE of all that!
Last night I started feeling a little down, and today I fell apart a couple times. This was the first year that I actually WANTED to do Christmas... I looked forward to it for months- even bought ornaments last year! I was going to have a tree and decorate and wrap presents- I even wanted to cook a holiday dinner.
Then the closer it got, the more reality set in. That wasn't going to happen this year. None of it. I feel like I let my daughter down. I know, she doesn't expect these things from me, but she usually at least gets a gift... not this year.
No tree or decorations, no gift wrap- or even gifts, and no fancy family dinner. I probably shouldn't complain, this is what I have chosen for years. And at least I have what is important- my family, a home, a hot meal.
But I wanted it so badly. I wanted my family to have a Christmas they deserve. I have a son in law, and another daughter and grand daughter... I want my family to celebrate and make memories, create traditions, have family photos, and share our love.
If any of my family reads this, I am sorry, I failed. But I will fix it the best I can- hopefully with help from my husband, and we will have Christmas next year.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Another Christmas
Another Christmas is here... strange feelings this time around, hard to put into words. I really struggle to enjoy the holidays, normally it is a time of depression and anger for me.
But not this year. I am far from excited and joyous, but I am more at peace this year than I can remember in a very long time. Altho things in my life are very difficult right now, I am seeing the blessings in my life and the positive future shining thru. I am beyond grateful for the friends and support I have. I am still just blown away about how much my health and attitude have improved since last year. I have things to truly look forward to in the coming year. I have an incredible family! A loving and hard working husband who puts up with my insane mood swings. the most wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. Her fiance, whom I am so proud to consider a part of our family. And the adopted daughter, who is a smile in the home always. I have my dogs who I can't imagine life without, as well.
Christmas this year is again without gifts or decorations, and yes- that saddens me. I really was hoping to be able to have the holiday spirit fill my home. But it hasn't destroyed my attitude. I am thankful for the things we have, I am thankful for the family my daughter has- the other side of her family that makes a big deal of celebrating the holidays and being together to make happy memories.
I have faith that one year soon I will find the holiday spirit, and the financial stability to decorate my home and fill it with everything Christmas!
But until then, I know my family is understanding, and most importantly I am at peace with my life and this holiday. I have finally gotten past the anger and hurt, past the painful memories. This is my life and I am living it with people who matter, people who love me.
Tomorrow will be spend quietly while the kids are off with other family. Afternoon will be dinner with my mother in law. Then I will be off to spend ten days alone... my ME time housesitting for some very special people. Time to reflect, decompress, plan for the new year, and probably- blog!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and whatever you may be celebrating this time of year.
But not this year. I am far from excited and joyous, but I am more at peace this year than I can remember in a very long time. Altho things in my life are very difficult right now, I am seeing the blessings in my life and the positive future shining thru. I am beyond grateful for the friends and support I have. I am still just blown away about how much my health and attitude have improved since last year. I have things to truly look forward to in the coming year. I have an incredible family! A loving and hard working husband who puts up with my insane mood swings. the most wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. Her fiance, whom I am so proud to consider a part of our family. And the adopted daughter, who is a smile in the home always. I have my dogs who I can't imagine life without, as well.
Christmas this year is again without gifts or decorations, and yes- that saddens me. I really was hoping to be able to have the holiday spirit fill my home. But it hasn't destroyed my attitude. I am thankful for the things we have, I am thankful for the family my daughter has- the other side of her family that makes a big deal of celebrating the holidays and being together to make happy memories.
I have faith that one year soon I will find the holiday spirit, and the financial stability to decorate my home and fill it with everything Christmas!
But until then, I know my family is understanding, and most importantly I am at peace with my life and this holiday. I have finally gotten past the anger and hurt, past the painful memories. This is my life and I am living it with people who matter, people who love me.
Tomorrow will be spend quietly while the kids are off with other family. Afternoon will be dinner with my mother in law. Then I will be off to spend ten days alone... my ME time housesitting for some very special people. Time to reflect, decompress, plan for the new year, and probably- blog!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and whatever you may be celebrating this time of year.
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Just a Silly Rant
Times are hard these days for everyone. Not a day goes by that I see friends and acquaintances struggling to get by... living less than pay check to pay check, not able to provide much Christmas for their kids, living with friends or family to keep living expenses down... it is hard and it is sad to see these things. But it is unfortunately the reality of the times for many.
I have been there, I am there now. And I do absolutely everything I can to be sure I can afford to care for my family and provide the necessary things for us... a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. Thankfully my family is not big into gift giving and celebrating, and we all understand the situation. I scrimp and save and go without, I coupon and shop sales and put off wants for a very long time- sometimes until it is no longer a want!
What do I see in society? I see people complaining they have to live with friends, but I see them going out every weekend. I see them not able to afford to see a doctor, but can afford all the junk food and crap they spend on daily. Then my biggest issue, and probably the most financially irresponsible thing they could do... they complain about all of these things- not having a home of their own, not being able to have a Christmas, etc, etc... then sheer excitement and joy when they announce they are expecting another child! Really? you can't afford rent but you can afford a new baby? News alert*** condoms are cheaper than diapers! A new baby is a life long expense. Why do people do this? Get your finances on track before growing your family!
I feel bad for people who are in the situations I first mentioned, but once they make this kind of irresponsible decision... I have no sympathy and I will not support your choice to have a child, nor will I try to help you thru those rough times. There is a difference in falling on hard times and creating your own.
I love seeing families grow and thrive, I love seeing happy moms and dads and new babies. But be sure you are in a place in your life that it is possible! Your children are the ones who will suffer from you being stupid.
I don't care if you are married or single, there are a lot of single parents out there who are more capable of caring for a child than 2 parent homes!
When I had my daughter, I was married, we had our house and could afford our bills with enough money to spare for special occasions. I quickly learned how fast that can all change. I ended up raising my child as a single mother for the most part, struggling off and on. Living with family, going without so my daughter had what she needed... and I ALWAYS made sure there was no chance I would end up with another child before the time was right.
That is my rant for today, my apologies if I upset anyone, but I need to be honest- and I am not sorry for my opinion.
Happy Holidays to all who follow me.
I have been there, I am there now. And I do absolutely everything I can to be sure I can afford to care for my family and provide the necessary things for us... a roof over our heads, food on the table, etc. Thankfully my family is not big into gift giving and celebrating, and we all understand the situation. I scrimp and save and go without, I coupon and shop sales and put off wants for a very long time- sometimes until it is no longer a want!
What do I see in society? I see people complaining they have to live with friends, but I see them going out every weekend. I see them not able to afford to see a doctor, but can afford all the junk food and crap they spend on daily. Then my biggest issue, and probably the most financially irresponsible thing they could do... they complain about all of these things- not having a home of their own, not being able to have a Christmas, etc, etc... then sheer excitement and joy when they announce they are expecting another child! Really? you can't afford rent but you can afford a new baby? News alert*** condoms are cheaper than diapers! A new baby is a life long expense. Why do people do this? Get your finances on track before growing your family!
I feel bad for people who are in the situations I first mentioned, but once they make this kind of irresponsible decision... I have no sympathy and I will not support your choice to have a child, nor will I try to help you thru those rough times. There is a difference in falling on hard times and creating your own.
I love seeing families grow and thrive, I love seeing happy moms and dads and new babies. But be sure you are in a place in your life that it is possible! Your children are the ones who will suffer from you being stupid.
I don't care if you are married or single, there are a lot of single parents out there who are more capable of caring for a child than 2 parent homes!
When I had my daughter, I was married, we had our house and could afford our bills with enough money to spare for special occasions. I quickly learned how fast that can all change. I ended up raising my child as a single mother for the most part, struggling off and on. Living with family, going without so my daughter had what she needed... and I ALWAYS made sure there was no chance I would end up with another child before the time was right.
That is my rant for today, my apologies if I upset anyone, but I need to be honest- and I am not sorry for my opinion.
Happy Holidays to all who follow me.
Monday, December 21, 2015
Asking for help, or even admitting I need help, I not easy for me. I have always been one to do everything I can to have what I need- and if I can't make the money- then I go without. That's how I was raised, that is how I believe things should be. My daughter always had what she needed, but not always what she wanted. I worked very hard to provide for her. There were times we went without some things we needed, and there were times we had everything plus!
Altho I feel I should have to go without if I can't afford things, there are others out there who I have always tried to help- the homeless, veterans, families in real need, etc.
This year has been very hard on my family financially. It has led to fights, talk of divorce, going without a number of things we need... and many many tears. Every time I think I am ready to swallow my pride and admit I need help, I look at my family and think- nope, we have a roof over our head, we have food in the fridge- we may not eat a healthy meal every night, but we do have food to eat daily. We have more than a lot of people do. And for that I am blessed. And continue my denial that we really do need help.
Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go to a friend and admit, just a little, of what we are dealing with. And thru the charity work she does and the organizations she works with, I was able to get some things for my kids and for my home to help out just a bit. Christmas doesn't happen in my house, not just because of how I feel about the materialistic aspect of what this holiday has become, but because we can't afford it. So it was really nice yesterday to be able to get an outfit for each of my girls, and a couple things for my grandbaby.
When we left this friends house I was an emotional mess... so extremely grateful for the help and kindness, ashamed for actually accepting help, embarrassed for needing and asking for the help. But so so very thankful for the people in my life who don't judge our situation, who are willing to help us when we truly need it.
Last month I kept dropping hints online about how desperately I wanted a waffle maker, that was all I wanted for my birthday/ anniversary/ Christmas... A couple weeks ago, my daughter walked out the door to go to work and there was a brand new waffle maker sitting on the door step that said Happy December to me. I bawled! I still have no idea who did this for me, but this little gesture meant so much to me. An inexpensive gift that will bring me years of joy... that my husband probably would not have been able to get for me.
I think we appear to be better off than we truly are, at least I like to think so. I got a brand new laptop a couple days ago... truth is, I didn't pay a dime for it. I returned a tablet that didn't work and was given store credit for my full purchase amount- which was enough to get a new laptop. We appear to eat out often, but never without coupons or everyone pitching in. The rare occasions we buy clothing, is when it is absolutely needed or on clearance or with birthday money... or all of the above! We do everything we can to save a few dimes here and there, but it still just doesn't keep us in the black.
It is scary to think things could get even worse, and I pray they don't! I am determined to do whatever it takes this year to make forward progress and not need help.
I see so many people who I personally don't feel are deserving of the help they want. They whine and complain constantly about their situation... my take on that is they are begging for someone to feel sorry for them. Then I see these people who can barely keep a roof over their heads getting excited to announce they are expecting another child! REALLY? We have honestly come close to losing our home this year, but we know where our priorities are... we aren't planning babies, we don't go to movies and blow $30+, we don't go drop $100 at the bar, we pay the bills. And what is left, we feed our family. How hard is that for people with small children to understand?
OK, kind of went off track there on my own rant. I just want people to understand that no matter how proud you are, it is ok to stop and ask for help. If you are truly doing everything you can and still not making ends meet, don't be ashamed to reach out to someone. But if you are living with friends or family because you can't afford a place of your own, and you go out on more date nights than you spend at home, and are expecting another baby... Stop! your financial suffering is your own fault! And please don't expect me to be the one to help you out!
As I said in the beginning, it is very hard for me to admit when I am in need, or struggling in any way. I don't like for others to see that under this outgoing attitude and positive person, is really someone who has feelings and pain and battles. I have always been the strong and proud one who can lift my friends out of their darkest hours. Writing this was very difficult, and yes, there are tears streaming down my face. But I needed to get this out there. I am not perfect, my family is not as well off as we appear... but what we do have is LOVE and SUPPORT for each other... and that, is worth more than anything! It may not keep a roof over our head, or food on our plates, but it keeps us strong enough to get thru these hard times. A year ago, I was contemplating suicide to escape where I am, where my family is... but where would that leave my family? where would that put my daughter? No one would be any better off if I had left this world. MY pain would have been gone... but I would have created so much more pain for my loved ones, on top of what they already are dealing with.
Accept the reality of your situations, own up to your responsibility for that situation, stop the things that make it worse, and do everything you can to make it better. And never be too proud to reach out.
I am so very grateful and blessed to have such amazing people in my life to make my fears and struggles just a little bit easier to accept.
Happy holidays, my friends.
Altho I feel I should have to go without if I can't afford things, there are others out there who I have always tried to help- the homeless, veterans, families in real need, etc.
This year has been very hard on my family financially. It has led to fights, talk of divorce, going without a number of things we need... and many many tears. Every time I think I am ready to swallow my pride and admit I need help, I look at my family and think- nope, we have a roof over our head, we have food in the fridge- we may not eat a healthy meal every night, but we do have food to eat daily. We have more than a lot of people do. And for that I am blessed. And continue my denial that we really do need help.
Yesterday I was blessed to be able to go to a friend and admit, just a little, of what we are dealing with. And thru the charity work she does and the organizations she works with, I was able to get some things for my kids and for my home to help out just a bit. Christmas doesn't happen in my house, not just because of how I feel about the materialistic aspect of what this holiday has become, but because we can't afford it. So it was really nice yesterday to be able to get an outfit for each of my girls, and a couple things for my grandbaby.
When we left this friends house I was an emotional mess... so extremely grateful for the help and kindness, ashamed for actually accepting help, embarrassed for needing and asking for the help. But so so very thankful for the people in my life who don't judge our situation, who are willing to help us when we truly need it.
Last month I kept dropping hints online about how desperately I wanted a waffle maker, that was all I wanted for my birthday/ anniversary/ Christmas... A couple weeks ago, my daughter walked out the door to go to work and there was a brand new waffle maker sitting on the door step that said Happy December to me. I bawled! I still have no idea who did this for me, but this little gesture meant so much to me. An inexpensive gift that will bring me years of joy... that my husband probably would not have been able to get for me.
I think we appear to be better off than we truly are, at least I like to think so. I got a brand new laptop a couple days ago... truth is, I didn't pay a dime for it. I returned a tablet that didn't work and was given store credit for my full purchase amount- which was enough to get a new laptop. We appear to eat out often, but never without coupons or everyone pitching in. The rare occasions we buy clothing, is when it is absolutely needed or on clearance or with birthday money... or all of the above! We do everything we can to save a few dimes here and there, but it still just doesn't keep us in the black.
It is scary to think things could get even worse, and I pray they don't! I am determined to do whatever it takes this year to make forward progress and not need help.
I see so many people who I personally don't feel are deserving of the help they want. They whine and complain constantly about their situation... my take on that is they are begging for someone to feel sorry for them. Then I see these people who can barely keep a roof over their heads getting excited to announce they are expecting another child! REALLY? We have honestly come close to losing our home this year, but we know where our priorities are... we aren't planning babies, we don't go to movies and blow $30+, we don't go drop $100 at the bar, we pay the bills. And what is left, we feed our family. How hard is that for people with small children to understand?
OK, kind of went off track there on my own rant. I just want people to understand that no matter how proud you are, it is ok to stop and ask for help. If you are truly doing everything you can and still not making ends meet, don't be ashamed to reach out to someone. But if you are living with friends or family because you can't afford a place of your own, and you go out on more date nights than you spend at home, and are expecting another baby... Stop! your financial suffering is your own fault! And please don't expect me to be the one to help you out!
As I said in the beginning, it is very hard for me to admit when I am in need, or struggling in any way. I don't like for others to see that under this outgoing attitude and positive person, is really someone who has feelings and pain and battles. I have always been the strong and proud one who can lift my friends out of their darkest hours. Writing this was very difficult, and yes, there are tears streaming down my face. But I needed to get this out there. I am not perfect, my family is not as well off as we appear... but what we do have is LOVE and SUPPORT for each other... and that, is worth more than anything! It may not keep a roof over our head, or food on our plates, but it keeps us strong enough to get thru these hard times. A year ago, I was contemplating suicide to escape where I am, where my family is... but where would that leave my family? where would that put my daughter? No one would be any better off if I had left this world. MY pain would have been gone... but I would have created so much more pain for my loved ones, on top of what they already are dealing with.
Accept the reality of your situations, own up to your responsibility for that situation, stop the things that make it worse, and do everything you can to make it better. And never be too proud to reach out.
I am so very grateful and blessed to have such amazing people in my life to make my fears and struggles just a little bit easier to accept.
Happy holidays, my friends.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Reflecting
When I was in prison I spent 2 birthdays and 2 Christmases behind bars. The first was only a month after my arrival, my birthday was only 3 weeks after getting there- I was not even to general population yet. 23 hour lockdown on my birthday. I was still terrified of what my future held in this place. Sad that my girls were not with me. Feeling 100% alone and sorry for myself! The anger was still there- anger for my husband (if I have to be in prison it should be for murdering him, right? not for something he did!) Angry at myself for being so blind and not recognizing what had happened to get me there. But most of what I felt was fear and self pity.
A few days after my birthday I was called to "roll up." I was being moved, my 30 days were up and I was going to the real world of prison- general population. By Christmas I was settled in to a cell, with a roomie who eventually became one of my dearest friends. The cell was almost 'homie', she had pictures on the walls, a gorgeous afghan on her top bunk... and she welcomed me with a smile. So she gave me the grand tour of our 6x10ish suite... I remember the last thing she showed me was our Christmas tree. She had created a tree by zigzagging green yard down the wall, and on the branches she had crocheted small ornaments. That made me smile, but the smile quickly broke into tears and uncontrolled sobbing! Was this what I had come to? A year ago I had the most amazing tree I had ever had in my life! With family and friends and... oh I was miserable over this! But each day, as I learned the routine of life there, and met a couple people- I was very afraid to be social! These were like killers and stuff, right? I'm better than that! Christmas came and I saw women exchanging gifts, there were cakes and treats made out of things that could be purchased thru the commissary, there was laughter and joy. I spent most of my day that day in my cell, still battling how I felt about where I was and how I was going to deal with it.
Fast forward one year... I knew when I was getting out of this place, I had friends, I had people who trusted me- I was even looked up to by many because I worked at the school teaching and was a literacy tutor. I found God by this time. I had my divorce done, I was... happy! My birthday was celebrated! Not just by me, my friends made me feel amazing! People made cards for me and I decorated my room with them (we really didn't call it a cell, it was out room, our suite- I mean, we were, after all, at Utah's finest gated community- so why not have a suite?)
Then came Christmas- our tree was even more fabulous than the previous year! We were allowed a party- they even brought in the television to have a movie night. A special dinner was prepared by the kitchen crew. I spent little time in my room that day, not when I was allowed to not be there! I had happiness to spread, people to cheer up as I had been cheered up a year before.
People wonder why I am not a big fan of the holidays anymore. Draper was a big reminder for me of what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Love, friendships, family... time. It's not about money and gifts and faking a smile to please that dysfunctional family! The best times ever are spent with people who don't judge, who have been in a similar situation, who have no expectations. Christmas isn't about a big tree or a meal that cost way too much and makes you miserable the rest of the day. It's not about opening gifts that you didn't really want in the first place.
As I have said before, you have no idea what true freedom is until you have had it taken from you. I am thankful to be another year older this week, to see another Christmas with my daughter (and husband and future son in law), but celebrating just isn't my thing. I would rather donate every dime spent on me for my birthday and Christmas to the prison library so they can get new books!
Thanx for reading my thoughts, I truly hope that at some point someone can find the help you are searching for thru my experiences and views. Love and Light.
A few days after my birthday I was called to "roll up." I was being moved, my 30 days were up and I was going to the real world of prison- general population. By Christmas I was settled in to a cell, with a roomie who eventually became one of my dearest friends. The cell was almost 'homie', she had pictures on the walls, a gorgeous afghan on her top bunk... and she welcomed me with a smile. So she gave me the grand tour of our 6x10ish suite... I remember the last thing she showed me was our Christmas tree. She had created a tree by zigzagging green yard down the wall, and on the branches she had crocheted small ornaments. That made me smile, but the smile quickly broke into tears and uncontrolled sobbing! Was this what I had come to? A year ago I had the most amazing tree I had ever had in my life! With family and friends and... oh I was miserable over this! But each day, as I learned the routine of life there, and met a couple people- I was very afraid to be social! These were like killers and stuff, right? I'm better than that! Christmas came and I saw women exchanging gifts, there were cakes and treats made out of things that could be purchased thru the commissary, there was laughter and joy. I spent most of my day that day in my cell, still battling how I felt about where I was and how I was going to deal with it.
Fast forward one year... I knew when I was getting out of this place, I had friends, I had people who trusted me- I was even looked up to by many because I worked at the school teaching and was a literacy tutor. I found God by this time. I had my divorce done, I was... happy! My birthday was celebrated! Not just by me, my friends made me feel amazing! People made cards for me and I decorated my room with them (we really didn't call it a cell, it was out room, our suite- I mean, we were, after all, at Utah's finest gated community- so why not have a suite?)
Then came Christmas- our tree was even more fabulous than the previous year! We were allowed a party- they even brought in the television to have a movie night. A special dinner was prepared by the kitchen crew. I spent little time in my room that day, not when I was allowed to not be there! I had happiness to spread, people to cheer up as I had been cheered up a year before.
People wonder why I am not a big fan of the holidays anymore. Draper was a big reminder for me of what Christmas is really supposed to be about. Love, friendships, family... time. It's not about money and gifts and faking a smile to please that dysfunctional family! The best times ever are spent with people who don't judge, who have been in a similar situation, who have no expectations. Christmas isn't about a big tree or a meal that cost way too much and makes you miserable the rest of the day. It's not about opening gifts that you didn't really want in the first place.
As I have said before, you have no idea what true freedom is until you have had it taken from you. I am thankful to be another year older this week, to see another Christmas with my daughter (and husband and future son in law), but celebrating just isn't my thing. I would rather donate every dime spent on me for my birthday and Christmas to the prison library so they can get new books!
Thanx for reading my thoughts, I truly hope that at some point someone can find the help you are searching for thru my experiences and views. Love and Light.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Family Closeness
Last week a member of my husbands family passed away. I had met her only a few times, but she always remembered me and asked about my health- always thought of others before her own troubles. She way so happy and full of life.
At the service yesterday it was amazing to me to see the love for this woman. Friends and family, coworkers and students- telling stories of her love and caring, funny stories and happy memories. Each of her children spoke- each cried and laughed...
Then as we left I saw her daughter completely break down. This is when I realized what a true family bond is really like. She collapsed in her dads arms- who was at his own breaking point, and cried "please don't ever leave me."
I have never had that type of relationship with my mother, that I would be in the state she was in. My family never had the bond this family has. My first thought was that I am glad I don't have that closeness- I don't want to ever feel that pain that I saw in her... But that is the way we are supposed to feel! The family bond, the relationship between a mother and her daughter- these are things that can't compare to anything, right?
My family was never really close like that. We didn't share emotions or feelings. Crying, showing love or sadness or true happiness- not things I grew up with. I have mixed feelings and opinions on that. I mean, there will be less pain when my parents do pass away, less emotions, less tears... if any. But I realize I missed out on so much!
When I was young, there were obvious differences between my mothers side of the family and my dads side. My mothers family was cold and pretty much emotionless. My dads family was once a very close and loving family, and the people in that family who I am still in contact with are still that way with their own families, but our big Smith family 'unit' is no longer.
I thought about what I would say if I spoke at each of my own parents funerals... I truly don't have any of those 'moments' with my mother. She was for the most part emotionless and cold. Not the mom most girls grow up with. My dad? well, everyone knows he was my best friend and mentor for years. I have a few of those 'moments', but still... nothing like what most people have.
If you have ever read "the dash", this reminds me of my dad. It isn't about the years you live, its about what you do during the time inbetween. My dad will be remembered by many with smiles and laughter. My mother? I don't know who will speak at her funeral. I can say it won't be me, and I won't be there to witness who does.
Back to my original thoughts... I feel I missed out as a child, as a young adult, and even know. My family is/was nothing like the family I am trying to have with my daughter. Nothing like the closeness my husband has with his family- altho he and his brother are not real close, mom holds the family close and cherishes every one of us. And I know how much my husband misses his dad.
I think I am lucky to live in a place where family is so important. Families stay close. My husband has so many aunts, uncles, cousins... and most of them stay in touch! Not directly calling and getting together, but family get togethers happen a couple times a year, and everyone keeps up on each other thru social media. I love that! I feel lucky to be a part of such an incredible family! I think every family member was at the service to show their love and support for Troys cousin and his kids, no matter what! They took the time off work, they traveled from out of state- they are FAMILY defined.
McCann clan- thank you for giving me back my faith in family.
At the service yesterday it was amazing to me to see the love for this woman. Friends and family, coworkers and students- telling stories of her love and caring, funny stories and happy memories. Each of her children spoke- each cried and laughed...
Then as we left I saw her daughter completely break down. This is when I realized what a true family bond is really like. She collapsed in her dads arms- who was at his own breaking point, and cried "please don't ever leave me."
I have never had that type of relationship with my mother, that I would be in the state she was in. My family never had the bond this family has. My first thought was that I am glad I don't have that closeness- I don't want to ever feel that pain that I saw in her... But that is the way we are supposed to feel! The family bond, the relationship between a mother and her daughter- these are things that can't compare to anything, right?
My family was never really close like that. We didn't share emotions or feelings. Crying, showing love or sadness or true happiness- not things I grew up with. I have mixed feelings and opinions on that. I mean, there will be less pain when my parents do pass away, less emotions, less tears... if any. But I realize I missed out on so much!
When I was young, there were obvious differences between my mothers side of the family and my dads side. My mothers family was cold and pretty much emotionless. My dads family was once a very close and loving family, and the people in that family who I am still in contact with are still that way with their own families, but our big Smith family 'unit' is no longer.
I thought about what I would say if I spoke at each of my own parents funerals... I truly don't have any of those 'moments' with my mother. She was for the most part emotionless and cold. Not the mom most girls grow up with. My dad? well, everyone knows he was my best friend and mentor for years. I have a few of those 'moments', but still... nothing like what most people have.
If you have ever read "the dash", this reminds me of my dad. It isn't about the years you live, its about what you do during the time inbetween. My dad will be remembered by many with smiles and laughter. My mother? I don't know who will speak at her funeral. I can say it won't be me, and I won't be there to witness who does.
Back to my original thoughts... I feel I missed out as a child, as a young adult, and even know. My family is/was nothing like the family I am trying to have with my daughter. Nothing like the closeness my husband has with his family- altho he and his brother are not real close, mom holds the family close and cherishes every one of us. And I know how much my husband misses his dad.
I think I am lucky to live in a place where family is so important. Families stay close. My husband has so many aunts, uncles, cousins... and most of them stay in touch! Not directly calling and getting together, but family get togethers happen a couple times a year, and everyone keeps up on each other thru social media. I love that! I feel lucky to be a part of such an incredible family! I think every family member was at the service to show their love and support for Troys cousin and his kids, no matter what! They took the time off work, they traveled from out of state- they are FAMILY defined.
McCann clan- thank you for giving me back my faith in family.
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