Emotions

I am emotionally overwhelmed right now! But dealing quite well, really!
Today is my youngest daughters 11th birthday. I gave her up to be adopted just before she turned 2, and I haven't seen her, other than in photos, since. This is always an emotional day for me! I love that little girl, and I know she is in an amazing family and surrounded by so much love. I just want to be able to see her soon.
My huge emotional factor right now, is my first husband. For years he has been the one big trigger of my anxiety, the one thing I have feared facing. A few months ago I decided I needed to find him, and talk to him. I need to face this fear and get past it. I didn't expect that to happen at the grocery store! I saw him, it didn't click at first... then I heard his voice. OMG! What do I do? My heart was racing, I was going into panic mode. Why? This is what I have wanted! I took a couple deep breaths, walked over to him and tapped him on the shoulder... Troy wasn't too far away, in case I needed his support. The man I was madly in love with for all my teen years, the man who took my virginity and married me... did not recognize me! What? Yeah, I had to remind him- your first wife? We actually had a nice little chat, he seemed a bit blown away to see me married to Troy- they were friends back in the day. We talked like old friends, nothing that I needed closure on was brought up. I met his wife, his youngest child, we had just a nice talk. Once we walked away I fell apart! OMG, I just talked to and hugged the man who has caused the most pain in my life for so very long! And I am ok! Then it started processing in my head. He is not the man he dreamed of being, he isn't even the man I expected him to be at this point. Now, 2 days later, even more is processing. The math, the reaction to things I said, things he said! He cheated on his current wife with me! How dare he! And his reaction to my past in porn? Who the hell is he to judge me for that? Does he think he had nothing to do with that? Would I have taken that path at all if not for the lifestyle he took me down? UGH! I am angry and hurt and just.... too emotional for words at this point! And then there is that tiny spot in my heart. Yeah, we all have that reserved space for our first true love, right? His eyes and his voice, and all that from 30 years ago... is still the same. I love my husband, don't get me wrong, I am so very happy and in love with Troy... but I don't know that it is possible to ever get those feelings out of my heart- no matter how much physical and emotional harm he did to me. It was pretty awesome to look at his wife and think- damn... I look pretty good right about now! 
I think it will take me a couple days, maybe even running into him again and talking more, to be able to get some of that closure I want. Maybe I should have made arrangements to get together for coffee. I seriously have more issues now than I did! And I know I can face him. He is a different man than he was 30 years ago.
I have other things going on in my head that I am struggling with, but ya know... they will all work themselves out! I know this, I just have to remind myself once in a while!
I can't change the past, I don't want to change the future. I just want peace and happiness in my life!
If you have fears and anxieties... face them! Don't let them eat at you for years and years! Face it, get closure, and move on! It is the healthiest way to live!