a smile in the middle of tears

I absolutely did not want to do a thing today. I didn't want to leave the house, get dressed, nothing. I didn't want to go be around people, go all the way to Tooele. All day I had to build myself up to going. I feel like crap, but I promised my daughter. I don't want to deal with the emotions I face when I go there, but I had things to pick up for friends here. I didn't want my daughter to see the struggle, but I need her to see that I support her. Altho she has distanced herself from me, altho my heart breaks everytime I see her, and I get angry when I think about the reason behind it... I love her more than anything and I will support this type of thing in her life always.
So I went.
I saw the puppies for a few minutes- always a smile when I get to see puppies. Then I went to the party. I have to admit it was really nice to have some girl time with my daughter. Watching her open her box, her new demo kit that means she is officially a Pure Romance consultant, was actually a proud moment for me. And even with everything in my head and in my heart about her life- I can see she is passionate about this, and I want her to be a huge success as much as she does.
So after almost no sleep last night, and my dizzy spells being worse today- I actually blacked out twice, the aches and pains in my body... and those damned thoughts in my head- I grabbed my cane and headed out.
I even stayed longer than I had planned. Like I said, it was nice to have some girl time with my daughter and a couple of her friends. And it was a nice little distraction from myself.
I pray that one day things will be better between us, that she will understand my pain and my concern... I pray it happens before it's too late.

Failure

Have you ever failed at something? Of course, we all have- that math test in 8th grade, not being able to get over that hurdle on the track team... we all have something. Life is full of failures and accomplishments. My dad always told me- you don't fail at anything until you fail to try.
Well, I've tried, and tried, and tried. And I have failed. But this is bigger than a diet or a math test. This is life.
I have failed life.
I have caused and allowed my body to fall apart, to self destruct, and to basically fail me- I am broken. FAIL
I raised a beautiful, smart daughter who has accomplished things I never dreamed she would. But she has become someone I don't know, she is making choices that go against how she was raised, she is suffering (some of that she doesn't recognize or accept)and I can't fix it. FAIL
I have a wonderful man in my life, I tried everything I could to be the woman he deserves, to be the wife I thought I could be. FAIL
I caused my entire family to push me out, I became the family embarrassment, the disapointment. FAIL
I am not able to be the friend and supporter that I want to be- that I once was. People I think I'm close to- don't keep in touch. FAIL
I can't be a contributing member of society anymore, hell I'm not even a contributing member of my own home! FAIL

I want my daughter to see herself and her life from outside her head.
I want my husband to have a life. I want him to have financial freedom, social freedom. He deserves someone who can BE an active part of his life... and he doesn't deserve to be held back.
I want my family to just be able to move on, not have awkward moments of contact, not have to say- yeah, that's Amy, the one who went to prison... or what ever complaint they have.
I want the people in my life- friends, acquaintances, whoever- to just be able to live their lives.
And what do I want for me? I want to stop the physical pain, the emotional pain. I want people to understand. But I failed at that too... nobody understands.

Death With Dignity

When I was in college I did a research paper on euthanasia. That was 20 years ago, a lot has changed! Dr. Kavorkian went to prison for helping someone end their life... end their own pain and suffering, a terminal patient chose to not drag out the inevitable. Today, 6 states have legal DWD laws. Countries in Europe allow it- in people as young as 12! Personally I don't feel a 12 year old should be making that decision, but that's not my call.
I live in Utah, not one of the states that thinks it is ok! But why? Thsi should be addressed everywhere! While we are spending all this time on legalizing medical marijuana and getting noplace with that- can't we take a minute to see how many people are truly suffering and want to end that?
A terminally ill person who suffers daily... Pain- beyond what most can comprehend. Medications- that drain what little money they have, cause a multitude of side effects. Burden- these people feel they are a burden to their loved ones, a spouse or child gives up so much to care for them, they have to watch the person they love die a little more each day. There is no quality of life, just the expectation of death. Who wants to live like that?
And what about suicidal people? Severely depressed people who are miserable and make those around them miserable, people who think of ways to die every day. I know- these people have to be in a clear state of mind before they can get into a 'contract' for assisted suicide, but seriously!
So here I am, suffering a depression that I never imagined possible, wishing for a car accident every time I leave the house. I take medication that costs too much- and doesn't entirely do what it is supposed to do. I can't work to pay for these meds... because they don't do what they are supposed to do! I have multiple chronic ailments- things that will never go away, they will just get worse. I am in almost constant pain, most of the things I enjoy doing- I can't anymore... even on a good day, I know that if I do these things I will suffer worse over the next couple days. Quality of life? not really. I feel like I am a lump on a log. My dear husband works his ass off to put a roof over my head and food in my body, he puts up with me getting behind on laundry and not feeling up to cooking very often. Doing things for me because I can't, missing work to drive me places- even having to take me places when he isn't working. Missing out on events and friends because I don't feel up to going. He can't buy the things he wants because we don't have the budget of a 2-income family. So not only is my life miserable- but I am making his life miserable as well. I love him! I want him to be happy, I want him to enjoy these years- not be stuck home taking care of me...
So is my situation something that would clear for the DWD  standards? Probably not. But why? Really... I am going to live another 30 years- 30 years of pain, tears, poverty level misery. Why can't I decide? Why can't a person go to the doctor and say I want a suicide pill. 
Yes, I want my life to end. No, I am not going to commit suicide at this point.

realizing health

Since about a week before we moved my health has not been good. I've written off the pain as caused by all the moving and unpacking. Other issues- oh, it's just my fibro or whatever, I'll be ok. but day by day things seem more extreme than what would seem normal, pains that I have never experienced, along with some internal stuff that I can't even really explain. Dizziness, not just dizzy spells, but feeling dizzy for a period of time. Even falling over. muscles that feel as tho they are atrophied, I can't move like I should be able to- not just in pain, but I physically can't! The mental problems- the memory and confusion, what I have always called the 'fog', worse than I can deal with.
So to top it all off, I went for a check up with my neurologist today. Apparently the medication I've taken for the better part of 30 years, can have long term effects. And the doctor had concerns today. I was sent for blood work and will find out more soon. Meanwhile- stress, frustration, and depression.
I know what's wrong with me for the most part... altho I know I need to get actual diagnoses for it all. Thats just it- ALL. I don't just have one health issue, hell, I don't just have 3 or 4! And I hate it! I refuse to be drugged my entire life just to keep me from being bedridden.
I have done a lot of thinking today and a lot of decisions made. I will not fight to exist. I truly don't have any real quality of life. I know I will have good days again, there will be plenty of good days and bad days, but as time goes on I can only see the bad days getting worse, and the good days being less often.
I plan to get the whole living will thing done. Have a DNR in place. And make it known to my loved ones what I want and hopefully have those wishes respected if that situation ever comes up.
The depression is real. It won't get better with all this going on. I am scared, truly scared about my future and what will happen with me, my family, my marriage. I feel like a burden- and apparently this isn't going to change. Honestly feeling today that I would welcome death and be at peace if it happened. I know, there is a part of me that no matter what I will keep fighting, but I dont' want to. I want to give in and just allow all this shit to happen.
I can't work, I can't drive, I can't do half the projects around the house that I have always taken pride in being able to do. I feel worthless and useless. Who wants someone like that around? 
As I feel my body deteriorate, and realize how my mind is deteriorating... it devastates me. And I just don't know how right now, to deal with it all.

Next Chapter with a New Home

Tomorrow I get the keys to the house Troy and I are moving into. Tomorrow my family will sign the lease take over on this house. It is time for all of us to take that big scary step of moving on.
Excited? Yes. Scared? Yes. I haven't lived with just my husband since we were first married!
I love having people around, Im social like that. And helping and caring for others- its what I do- so what will I do now? Oh yeah- find myself and rebuild my marriage.
This family I have had for the past year and a half has changed my life, and I will be forever thankful they came into my world. Forever friends and forever family.
They taught me about family, they showed me what it means to be a strong family and stick together no matter what comes at you. They helped me understand what a marriage truly is. They were a reminder every day of why I do the things I do, helping others. They gave me hope for myself, they brought so many smiles and so much laughter to my life. They gave me reason to celebrate life.

Its going to be so strange coming home to just my 2 dogs, I will miss the other 4- I really have gotten attached to them, but it will be much quieter. Waking up to no one home? Kind of a creepy thought. But I guess the privacy will be nice.
I'm worried about my job. It is no longer walking distance. And I won't have anyone with us who can take me or let me borrow a car from. I used to worry about being alone, my health... but I don't fear that anymore. I feel better, and have faith that I will continue getting better. 
This is a new chapter for my husband and I, and I plan to take full advantage of this. I want to start over and focus on our marriage and building it stronger- like we should have done in the beginning.

This is also a new chapter for our family... they will finally have a chance to be a family with no interference, they can be the family they want to be without restriction of others in the home. all the struggles they have faced, and now they are where they want and need to be. This was everyones goal for them! Help them got on their feet so they can have the fresh start they so desperately deserve. I am proud of them for all they have overcome and accomplished for themselves since coming here. And a moment of gloat for me... I am happy to feel that I played a role in all that.
I swore 2018 would be the year for me, and this is a huge step toward that. I wasn't expecting this- at least not this early in the year! But I am truly happy for all of us. And even more happy to say that we have maintained our friendship and will continue that friendship! I pray the kids will want to remain a part of my life too- they have brought me so much joy! I love them and think of them as my niece and nephews.
Here's to a new shot for all of us!  Blessed for the memories we have built together!

Lost Friend... lost love

one day a long time ago I met a gal on social media. We became such good friends! Then it became more... quickly. She was married, but, like me, bisexual. We began a relationship. I got involved with someone who didn't really understand that, so I backed off to focus on this man. We remained best friends thru it all. our relationship- complicated is the best way I can describe it. Best friends both with buried feelings of love for each other. for a while I was her boss, then not, we had periods of time where we didn't talk... both of us were so stubborn, and got easily hurt because of how we felt.
Then one day day I got a phone call... did you hear about Chelle?
My best friend, the love of my life- had breast cancer.
From that moment forward I was back in her life supporting her, being there, treasuring the moments and the laughs.
She beat the cancer after surgery and treatment and destroying her body. But a while later she went to the doctor for something bothering her... it was back. Bone cancer.
This was hell. She broke bones, she hurt always- but she fought, and she didn't let any of us see her pain.
A couple surgeries in, I remember being at the hospital visiting her after a hip surgery... the oncologist came to see her. He said things that made it obvious to me she had been lying and keeping things from me about how she was truly doing. I had to cut that visit short, I barley got out of her room before I was in full tears.
I was going to lose her.
Her daughter moved their wedding up, that was the first hint to me that things were worse than I was led to believe. I knew, I just didn't want to accept it.
Not long after the wedding she fell and broke something. she was in the hospital for quite a while, then was released to a rehab center. then she went to stay with her mom rather than going home- she needed 24 hour care. I didn't see her after that. We talked a few times, but I couldn't bring myself to see her. I didn't want that image in my head. Yes, I was being selfish, but I was hurting and didnt know how to deal with any of this.
I got a call one day that she had been taken to the hospital, she had pneumonia. I knew what that meant, people with cancer can't fight illnesses like that. Then I was told they were asking that we do not come visit... I felt my heart just sink. I was told here and there that she was doing ok, just really needs to rest and recover.
Then one night I got a text... we as a family have made the decision to remove the life support.
WTF? She was on life support? And no one told me? No one gave me a chance to come say goodbye? I fell apart that night. I laid in a parking lot screaming, I shot whiskey, I cried until my eyes were dry, I stared into darkness until the sun came up... I lost her that night- for real.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her. I would give anything for just one more day.
I loved my Michelle, she was in so many ways my soumate, not just my best friend. I lost her in this world, but I know she is here with me at times, she is also watching over her granddaughter who never had a chance to meet her. Chelle had just learned she was going to be a grandma a couple weeks before she passed.

Michelle

Lost Friend #2

One night I was on my laptop having a discussion in a group on Facebook, I got a message froma gal who was very much like minded. we immediately became good friends, as we chatted online we learned we had more and more in common, same wants, same beliefs, same lifestyle ideals... we started talking on the phone and texting- all the time! We talked about her coming to visit- we even talked about her moving here! There was an incredible emotional bond between us after a short time. I truly fell in love with this young lady (young meaning a few years younger than me). She was so beautiful, so kind and caring, she always made me smile and laugh and feel better! for a long time she was my rock and my world. During some struggles in my marriage- which she was also going thru, we were there for each other. 
then one day, in the middle of texting and laughing... she sent me a screen shot of something i had posted on my twitter... she had long since deleted her FB account, but still had other social media. She was furious at my opinion. It was political, it wasn't even a statement for or against anyone- just an opinion of the election. within minutes I was told she never wanted to hear from me again and can't believe I would say something so completely opposite of how she felt. I was in tears! suddenly I was blocked from calling or messaging her!? I was lost... for days i just cried. I was so confused. the ONE person who truly got me, and who I thought would never judge or hate. we had that connection and respect for each other. I tried to explain to her that wasn't a statement of support for but a statement of acceptance, i tried so hard to get her to see what I meant... but she wouldn't talk to me.
I tried to send a text a year later just to say happy birthday... i got a message saying it was not received. I think about her all the time still, I miss her. I loved her.
They say some people come into our lives for a season... I felt she was here for ever, but I suppose she was autumn. My Halloween lady. I will never forget her.