Failure

Have you ever failed at something? Of course, we all have- that math test in 8th grade, not being able to get over that hurdle on the track team... we all have something. Life is full of failures and accomplishments. My dad always told me- you don't fail at anything until you fail to try.
Well, I've tried, and tried, and tried. And I have failed. But this is bigger than a diet or a math test. This is life.
I have failed life.
I have caused and allowed my body to fall apart, to self destruct, and to basically fail me- I am broken. FAIL
I raised a beautiful, smart daughter who has accomplished things I never dreamed she would. But she has become someone I don't know, she is making choices that go against how she was raised, she is suffering (some of that she doesn't recognize or accept)and I can't fix it. FAIL
I have a wonderful man in my life, I tried everything I could to be the woman he deserves, to be the wife I thought I could be. FAIL
I caused my entire family to push me out, I became the family embarrassment, the disapointment. FAIL
I am not able to be the friend and supporter that I want to be- that I once was. People I think I'm close to- don't keep in touch. FAIL
I can't be a contributing member of society anymore, hell I'm not even a contributing member of my own home! FAIL

I want my daughter to see herself and her life from outside her head.
I want my husband to have a life. I want him to have financial freedom, social freedom. He deserves someone who can BE an active part of his life... and he doesn't deserve to be held back.
I want my family to just be able to move on, not have awkward moments of contact, not have to say- yeah, that's Amy, the one who went to prison... or what ever complaint they have.
I want the people in my life- friends, acquaintances, whoever- to just be able to live their lives.
And what do I want for me? I want to stop the physical pain, the emotional pain. I want people to understand. But I failed at that too... nobody understands.